i'm sorry that you're hurting by having no choice but to divorce. I think it might help you immensely if you understood that you and he should not have been married in the first place, that it wasn't well thought out and was a mistake for you both. If you learn the lessons from this marriage, you will not as likely repeat them, and marry into a cultural problem that you will not be able to change. Many have made this mistake in their first marriage, and down the road, are so happy that they moved on, armed iwth their new wisdom, to find a marriage that is COMPATIBLE. MANY PEOPLE LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES. AND MOVE ON TO A MUCH BETTER PLACE, IT'S NOT JUST YOU.
The thing is, I am really feeling like you have no choice in this currently. He is not really giving you an option of working for or on this. I'm so sorry.
You're in my thoughts and prayers Paandupura. I heartily agree with the advice you've been given here by all. I do believe this is a cultural thing that 99.9% you will not be able to change. If you could have gotten through to him, i think that he would be ready to talk to you after 70 plus days. I asked if you had children and you didn't reply.. I think though, that you haven't had kids yet, and i think his parent's position (and therefore his position) is that it is better for the family if you were to go now, because to have you fighting the cultural norm when there are kids involved, would be absolute torture for the entire family. I think that all people have a choice to make about whether they are happy (accepting) or sad (not accepting) what is culturally ingrained in them. It seems that you naturally do not accept the cultural norm and that he does accept the cultural norm. This means that you and your husband are incompatible for marriage. You have to take responsibility for yourself and i think this ill help you to stop being so angry that your husband doesn't ever go against what his family does or says. Before you got married, you and you had the opportunity to talk at great length with him and his parents about what your expectations were as a daughter in law, a wife and mother. You could have shown your true colors before you were married, but you did not. The reason why i'm saying Look at You here, and what you could have done differently, and for you to take responsibility for how you could have foreseen the problem before it happened. is because we learn the most by looking at what we can do differently. You may not be designed to marry within your culture, or you may only be happy with a very small percentage of men from your culture. You may have to marry outside of your culture to be truly happy. I know how hard it is for your first marriage to not work out. I think it helps though to understand what our own issues were that it didn't work out. By doing so, we are in a far better place to make a 2nd marriage work out. I'm not here to judge your husband's family's cultural norm. I know i would not be acceptable to them , nor would they be acceptable to me. If I did marry into a family like your husband's, knowing that i would not be happy, and knowing that they would not be happy - i would be able to say that both sides are incompatible and both sides suffer until the marriage is dissolved , and both both parties find partners that are compatible.
I'm sorry, but i think you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim here, and understand that you and your husband and your husband's family simply did not think this marriage through before your marriage was accepted by your husband's family. It was a mistake that you got married, and the only way to move on from it, is to accept your own part in that mistake, as well as your husbands and his family.
There are many books and articles on the internet to read that will support you to move on from this marriage that took place far too quickly and many friends that you can have that understand where you're at, that can help you in your life transitions. I pray that you do find Serenity, Acceptance and Courage. .
This happened to a friend of mine. Her husband was in the wrong big time on something, she confronted him, huge fight followed. She told him to get out and she was done. Well, she regretted it. He then decided to stay away. She was calling him to beg him to come back. HE was torturing her. Making her suffer. Calling her on her bluff. He DID come back after two weeks. But from then on, he had like this upper hand if you will. He showed her that he WILL walk away if she pushes too hard and she was 100% right to be furious with him (he drank too much, never came home and she got phone calls from multiple friends as he worked at her family's business that he was 'with' a coworker and they slept together. His only statement about it was he didn't remember. They had a newborn baby at the time.).
I do believe that two people committed to a marriage should be able to communicate their needs and make adjustments for the other person. absolutely. But they have to want to. And make that effort.
I've noticed since being at MH that there are cultures in which the male in the relationship is overly attached to their original family and the new wife has not a say. in anything. Is this the case for you? Is your situation one that culture also dictates? That makes it much harder to work on.
I would let this be for a bit. I would find new ways to communicate with him. Don't threaten, don't be hysterical. Calmly say what you need. If he says no or will not take your feelings into consideration, then you do have to decide if you will put up with it or find a different/better situation for yourself.
My friend is still married to her husband and they now have 5 kids. She still walks on egg shells because he is in the power position. She puts up with things I wouldn't. Because she has to in order to keep him as her husband. She's not wrong for doing so. It's her life and her decision and she's making what feels best for her in this matter. I'd just make a different decision.
So, you have to do what is best for you. Focus on what is in your control rather than what isn't (IE: his attitude and behavior). good luck
This is obviously a cultural thing, where daughters-in-law are supposed to behave a certain way. If you cannot take it, you should let the divorce happen. You love him but only the part of him that is not connected to his mother, and obviously a huge part of him is connected to his mother. I assume you think he will somehow magically become disconnected from her, but sorry, not for a long, long time if ever. So you have to decide if you want to be the subservient daughter-in-law for him. You should not be angry at the situation, it is this way and is going to stay this way. You should just decide if you want the situation AS IT IS. You are not going to get things to change by threatening divorce, that is a child's game. Either live with it the way it is, or leave it.
i agree with all that A.B. has said. Can you please fill in some blanks? What are the reasons why you were angry enough to consider divorce as a solution? Not only do you need to really look at why you suggested divorce, but you also have to have a heart to heart with your husband as to why he thinks divorce is the answer. This means that you have to get through to him and if he is hiding behind his family or if his family is in any way interfering or influencing him, that may not be possible.
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change,
The Courage to Change the Things i Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
If you Cannot get through to him to talk to you, you can do more. If you can do no more, you might as well spend your energy letting go and moving on. Are there children involved? If you do not have children, does that mean that you both can move on and remarry and have children in a better situation for all involved.? After all, kids don't make a marriage better and children should not be used to keep a family together that is not happy.
You are not alone and you don't have to be alone. Many of us here have had first marriages that didn't work out and moved on to marriages that have worked out. (In my case at least). I'm here to talk anytime. Please be good to yourself. Appreciate the simple things in life. Do not let this ruin you. Save yourself so that you can be happy and move on.
It must have been a heck of a fight. It sounds like you are saying that now you feel you did not really mean you wanted the divorce although you said you did.
If he will not answer your phone calls, go see him or write him a letter (not an email) and say that you spoke in anger and do not want to divorce. Once you are certain he knows this, if he really wants a divorce there is nothing you can do to change his mind. (To be married, both people must want to be married. It sounds like he does not want to be married to you.)
Also, I have had lots of fights with my husband but I have never once said I wanted a divorce. You might have been correct about how you really feel about the marriage, even though you think right now that you didn't mean what you said. Resisting the idea now might come more from embarrassment at being sent home than that he took you seriously. Be sure your present resistance to the idea of a divorce is not just your ego talking. Maybe you do want to stop being married to him but you are just offended at the speed with which he took your suggestion seriously. If you want out, get out, and stop being concerned with how it looks to his family.
The main point, though, is that the only way two people can stay married is if they both want to be married. If he genuinely does not want to be married to you, it is not a marriage with only one person wanting it.