letting go of your first love possible?

[johnathonray84]

I was 12 years old and in the 7th grade when I first laid eyes on johnathon I was dating his friend taylor ...me and a few friends had snuck out of my mom's house and walked down to a gas station about a mile away where john,taylor and cory had picked us up...the first time I saw john I instantly knew there was something about him and I never really forgot about him....but of course I was dating his friend and that was that ....about a year later taylor and his family moved away and I was a freshman ....the 2nd time I ever saw john(a now senior in HS )was in the hall way of our high school our eyes instantly met and I knew from that point on my life would never be the same ...we started dating august of 2003 ...we had a a lot of good times that year and I truly fell in love with him...when it came time for him to graduate he signed up for the Marines ...a choice that was very hard for me ...he left for NO louisiana to take his asvab test ....he was supposed to return 2 days later...needless to say he returned about 16 hrs later and told me he couldnt go thru with it ....he couldn't bare not spending one minute without me ...so instead of the Marines he took a job with a local metal company as a helper he moved up quickly because he was a hard worker one of the many things I loved about him..and got a Job as a Forman which he still has today....3 years pasted and there was some good and bad times he made me laugh and when the good times where good the amazingly  and when they where bad they where really bad .. he had cheated on me but I forgave him I loved that boy so much ....now I look back and realize that it was an maturity thing he had turned 18 before me so he was exploring the bar sean mixed with alcohol and being young ....I now am a senior in high school I turned 18 and moved in with him full time ( Dispite what my mom said )...he took care of me spoiled me and did everything for me and of course we had are fights we broke up and got back to gather as young couples do ...I graduate from HS (2007)...and we continued our life togather when I was 18 I became pregnant and quickly misscarried...It was hard on me  ..  I heard rumors that he had cheated on me throughout our now 4 years together but chose not to belive most of them...I got 2 jobs one at a law firm and one at a bank ...until I started college. ...it is was the beginning of  January 2008 when we had went out separately the night before with friends and I had decided to stay at my friends house instead of driving  home and I had told him I would be home around noon the next day ...I ended waking up early and there where some movies that need to be returned at our house...so the plan was to pick them up and bring them back ....I knew there was something wrong the second I walked into the house and saw our room mates face ....I walked into our room and there he was passed out naked with another girl....I was heart broken this was real life not a rumor I saw this with my own eyes and it was devastating this was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that I loved with all my heart
Nothing was ever really the same after that ...I packed all my things and left ...he begged for me back promised he would change told me he wouldn't go out with out me and I took him back we moved into our own house ...in mid January  2008 my dad unexpectedly passed away I was filled with hurt anger didn't understand and dint know how to deal with it ...I felt as John didn't Wasn't there for me which made me mad at him (now looking back I think he just didn't know how to handel the situation he was now 23)...in feb of 2008 I started taking class to work in the health feild...life was starting to get back to normal and wounds where starting to heal ..on Feb 12th 2008...he decided that he was going to go out with his friends no matter how I felt I was so angry I had just lost my dad a month before then i caught him in bed with another girl not long before that...that was it the next day I packed up and left I was done i was thru and this time he could not convince me other wise ....he sent flowers to my work he called me 1000 times . For 3 whole months...told me he would never do it agin and i really did belive him but i just couldnt be hurt agin it was the hardest thing I have ever done still to this day to walk away from him I loved him so much in early March of that year I had went back to get the rest of my things he told me he was ready to settle down and marry me it's what I always wanted but I just couldn't I was so hurt he said that he would never treat another person he loved like he did me ....that when found someone next time he would get married and that would be it ..he told me he would always love me ....I belived him I just wished he had done those things with me ...as I drove away from his house that day I knew my life would never be the same that I would never love or feel like I did with him ..I never stopped thinking of him and wondered if I had made a mistake .and still sometimes wonder that....I started seeing this guy nothing serious in august 2008 I unexpectely became pregnant for this guy
for some reason i instantly called john ...I told him I wanted to be with him I couldn't stand being without him I told him I was pregnant. ...he sounded devastated he told me that he had met someone that she was a good nice girl he told me she would never be me but he wasn't ready to be a dad...I was so heartbroken I really honestly thought he would take me and my baby back and for him to say no I felt rejected and hurt...that was the last time I talked to john 7 months later him aND that girl got engaged in april 2009 I had my beautiful son ...and in april 2010 of the next year on my son's first birthday they got married ...o how life had changed ...I was supposed to marry him and have kids with him and be with him forever ...I passed by the place they where getting married it was an outside wedding and I watched from afar ...it was so hard but i thought if I saw it I would realize he loves someone else
I honestly thought I would feel some kind of closer ...fast forward I meet this awsome guy and get married in 2010 and had another beautiful son in 2011 ..don't get me wrong my husband is great and I love him but I don't and never have felt or loved the way i did with John ...now a days 2015 I am still married and so is he I have two kids he has one and one on the way ...I think about him all the time I dream about him and if I close my eyes I can still smell him...I joined this gym about a year ago a gym he used to be a member of I have a friend that works there and asked her if he still went there she said he had not in a couple of years ...I didn't want the conflict if he still went there ...this gym was very convenient considering it was in my neighborhood. ...so I joined needless to say about 2 months later john rejoined I now see him ever now and then at the gym every time I see him my heart skips a beat he still has that effect on me and I catch him staring in the mirror at me...of course I don't want him to leave his wife and kids to rekindle our love and I don't want to do the same either  that wouldn't be fair to anyone...but it is a reminder of what would have been...all I have ever wanted for him was him to be happy all I have wanted for me since we broke up is to let go but some how I can't ...and I don't think I ever will it has now been 7 years since I walked away from the man who I still Think Might Be My Soul MATE  ....I LOVE My Husband But Don't Think I WILL EVER LOVE Anyone Like I Did HIM ...I Wonder if I WILL EVER GET Over HIM OR If There Is Anyway I Can Let HIM Go ...There are still some songs on my Playlist if they come on remind me of him ..clay walker where do I fit in the picture,gary all it would be you,Carrie Underwood someday I'll stop loving  you Kelli Pickler one last time ...sometimes I have to skip them because I still tear up

[Nighthawk61]

and please don't think i'm saying that you are childish to have these feelings, you are NOT, plus you asked advice about your thoughts, much respect to you.. i'm just saying that you and he are both completely different animals now, Remember with love your past, but leave it there if it doesn't fit in with what's happening now.

[Nighthawk61]

I have to agree that it's doesn't seem to be beneficial for this emotional affair you are having with your first love. Remember, he left you alone and pregnant,  I too think that you should go to another gym, or buy your own equipment so that your husband and kids can also enjoy working out.
I still daydream about my first love. and consider contacting him once in awhile, but i know that would hurt his wife, and my husband.

1 Corinthians !3:109

For we know in part and we prophesy in part; ..but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.…

[TTinKKerBBell]

Londres70 - that was really observant about the screen name !!

Johnathonray - Considering the dates You have cited, I think You are about 25 years old?? !!

You have a Husband and 2 Children !!  

You are no longer a lovesick teenager - and life is not a romance novel !!

I also agree with Londres70 regarding the other People involved here - if You were to realize Your 'fantasy' it would be a DISASTER for FOUR Children and TWO Adults besides You and Him.  You two had Your chance with each other - it didn't work - move on - join another gym.

[Londres70]

You even chose his name for your screen name here........geesh.

[Londres70]

Hon, two words................wake UP.  This is a bit melodramatic and over the top; creepy.  Sounds like you have never had any closure to this breakup.  This is EXTREMELY unhealthy...........in fact it is stalking.  

A married women with two children fantasizing about a married man with a child on the way..........really?  If he were willing and ready to be with you would you be OK with breaking up TWO families/marriages?  

Soulmate?  He cheated on you over and over then he went and married someone else, so I am thinking he didn't consider you two as "soulmates," but for some reason you are fantasizing that you two were/are soulmates.

"....I LOVE My Husband But Don't Think I WILL EVER LOVE Anyone Like I Did HIM ...I Wonder if I WILL EVER GET Over HIM OR If There Is Anyway I Can Let HIM Go ...There are still some songs on my Playlist if they come on remind me of him ..clay walker where do I fit in the picture,gary all it would be you,Carrie Underwood someday I'll stop loving  you Kelli Pickler one last time ...sometimes I have to skip them because I still tear up"....................Well, whenever you have these thoughts THINK about YOUR children and husband and what you would be destroying if you take this situation ANY further.  Plus, you aren't considering his pregnant wife and showing very little consideration for her.  In other words think about the others involved MORE than yourself;

You are pining for someone who has move on and left this stuff in the past.

Agree with life about cancelling that membership and with TQG and Tink about seeking counseling.  You aren't thinking clearly.  What is scary is you are starting to act on this fantasy by joining that gym.

Get real and wake up dear.

[Life360_Dave]

Be carefull what you wish for as nature has a way of making things we desire possible but most often is not they way we expected and often there is tremendous sorry involved. I would suggest quiting the gym you joined to seek him out as this is in a way cheating on your now husband.
Love your husband in the time you are together as there comes a day when we loose them either by choice or illness.

[TTinKKerBBell]

He's proven HimSelf to You time and time again.  He has no morals, no standards, no integrity, no respect for others (You AND the women He had/is cheating with.  You KNOW this about Him.  What You need to do is examine YourSelf.  You need to realize what it is about YOU that causes You to want SomeOne of such poor character.  You have choices and You are CHOOSING to pine away over this guy.  He Is NOT Your SoulMate - a 'soulmate' does NOT cheat on the relationship.  "SoulMates" are made - They GROW out of a meaningful relationship/commitment - and it takes years of this growth to BECOME SoulMates.
Marriages need Love, Trust, Honor, Respect and Desire.  The People in the Marriage also need to EMBODY those - EACH of them need to be loveABLE, trustWORTHY, honorABLE, respectFUL and desirABLE.  If either one of them stops being those things (or fails to be those things in the first place) then that person is NOT a "soulmate".

It sounds to me like You've made a lot of Your own drama by 'wanting' to 'love' someone who is totally unloveABLE !!

You say the Husband You have is great and that You love Him.  So go with that - Love HIM and let the cheater go  - He's gone anyway (always has been) it's just been Your refusal to let it go.  

I am DEEPLY in love with my Husband, but none the less, I believe love is a CHOICE and You can, You really can choose to love a good man over a bad man

I agree that it's not fair to Your present Husband for You to 'think' this way and I agree You need help and guidance.

GoodLuck

[RockRose]

Your post is so long that I sort of skimmed it,  but to answer your title question,  yes,  I think it's possible that you will never get over your first love.

I do know women who had one first love,  and that didn't go well, and they never recovered from it and never found any other man who could give them that "spark",  their entire lives.

Some humans are truly monogamous,  meaning,  there is one partner for them and once they find that partner they won't be able to accept another partner.  There are animal species that are like that,  and if the first partner dies,  they live the rest of their lives without a partner.

So yes,  you may go to your grave a very old woman still in love with this one guy.  But that doesn't mean he would be any good for you if you got back together with him.  

[thatquietgirl]

What would have been was you having to put up with cheating again and again and again.  Maybe he's been better with this girl, but he already proved to you he wasn't someone to trust time and time again.

What you're holding onto is romanticized hope.  I would recommend some counseling to help you move past this.  It's not fair for your husband and marriage to hold onto this fantasy.  It is possible to move past this, but it seems you may need some help and guidance.