My boyfriend doesn't understand my self confidence issues!

[chance1901]

I can certainly admit that I have no drastic form of low self confidence, in fact there are times when I do feel happy with myself. Although, when I am around other women of my age I start to compare myself. I also always have to look my best when going out in public, its not myself being vain, it is because otherwise I belittle myself to the extent of having an anxiety attack.
My boyfriend has treated me right from the start, he makes me really happy and it's the happiest I have ever been. However, some times when I don't want to go out, because I feel I look Bad, he gets really angry at me
I think he assumes it's his fault, I try to explain but it always ends in a fight.
how can I tell him about these issues?

[wyrpamatz]

I'm so sorry to hear that, but just take it one day at a time and keep your head up. keep working on working on your self confidence.

[chance1901]

I sincerely Thank you from the bottom of my heart. However, I was too late. He has chosen to end the relationship. I one day will focus on improving my self confidence, but its hard at the moment due to how I am currently feeling. Don't worry, I will take your advice and focus on my self confidence, one day.

[Caryopteris]

It's great to care how you look when it motivates you to take care of yourself in the ways that matter.  Eating right, exercising, not smoking, getting outside and doing active, exciting things; all of these things are good for us and make us more interesting and desirable.  They contribute to our self confidence because we are taking charge of our lives.  

A lot of women have a terrible habit of thinking self-destructive thoughts like you describe.  This side of people is not attractive to others, and this is much more to blame in people being driven away from us than how we look!  If you spend time analyzing who you know who is most popular, some of those people would not be the most beautiful ones, and some of the most beautiful ones might be loners because they don't know how to connect with people.  It takes practice to change the way our brains work, but you need to find a more pleasant and positive place for your thoughts to go when you are alone or when you are around other people.  When you see a pretty woman, it is no reflection on you.  She is herself and you are yourself.  She may be just as anxious as you are.  You really do need to focus on your positives.  

I am not the prettiest woman around, but I am popular with men because I listen to what men like and I don't judge them for it.  I know what they like about me and I know what they don't like to see in women's bodies and personalities.  I improve what I can and I try not to show them my insecure side.  Why?  Because it's not fun.  It's not somebody they want to spend time with.  It's a drag.  It's a drag because they can't fix it for you.  There are no magic words they can say that will make you feel better about yourself so you can move on and enjoy the day that they want to enjoy with you!  They are thinking about your positives, and you are wanting to point out your flaws.  Life is too short.  Go with what you have and be thankful for it.  

[Nighthawk61]

Since you're arguing a lot now, I think that you need to act on a change now, Try to use just use a quick foundation and lip gloss and get out there and have fun, too much makeup looks phony and can be seen as exactly the opposite of what you're trying to achieve....beauty.....i agree that your boyfriend loves you just the way you are and being spontaneous is very important to your special guy...... stop the arguments and make it your goal to be spontaneous and you'll enjoy your life a whole lot more..I used to think exactly like you, it has been a real eye opener to realize that all that work "getting ready" really meant little to nothing to other people...it is your personality that people look forward to, your natural looks, not makeup that attracts people, please try changing your priorities and prove to your bf that you are not so "high maintenance", especially if you don't want to take a chance of losing your bf to a more user friendly model.......

[AnnieBrooke]

Good luck.  I had a stepmom who never would face the day without obsessive attention to her hair, makeup and clothes.  It didn't make her look good, it made her look like she had no sense of her own value in the world and was trying to make up for it with makeup.  Don't be like that, you have plenty of value even with a bare face and your hair undone.  Go over it with a therapist, it will help a lot.

[brice1967]

You're welcome.  

And it's not so much that you are a problem, per say... it's that you've directed the attention necessary to another point.  We all do it or we've all done it.  

In regards to change, whether you realize it or not, we change every day.  Those changes occur naturally.  Maybe the hair is a little more gray, maybe hair is falling out, maybe a wrinkle.... its all vanity and there isn't a whole bunch we can do about those changes.  (I guess you could dye the gray hair and get a face lift... but again, that is being vain.)

As far as things like weight gain or having a body type that we don't like... that is changeable.  It takes work, but its doable.  Don't like how your hair looks, do something different with it. You don't like your clothing, every pay day or so, buy something new.  It really is simple.

But again, I want to point out the obvious.  It looks like you have a guy who is crazy about you and wants to do things with you.  That's awesome!  Enjoy it for all its worth.  Relax a little bit and do what you can to change what it is that you don't like....

[chance1901]

Thank you so much, to everyone who has commented advice above. You have made me realise the problem was not with my boyfriend, but in fact, the problem is me. My constant desire to look presentable and to be the best. I will definitely get help with this. I would like to thank you again. I'm looking forward to making these big changes.

[brice1967]

I'd have to agree with the above posters.  Your self esteem could use a tweaking, and that's okay.  I think it says a lot when your boyfriend says, "lets go!".  He's ready to go do something with YOU.  He thinks YOU look okay and is half way out the door.

(One of the things I like most about my wife is, we can wake up at 7:30 and be out the door to hit yards sales, go to the store, go fishing... whatever, by about 7:40.)  Don't get me wrong, I like it when the wife gets dolled up for a night on the town, but I know she enjoys a little spontaneity.  

It seems like you have this urge to have him understand you.  And I guess I get that, to a point.  I have a challenge for you.  Try to understand him....

The fact of the matter is, like some of the posters above mentioned, we all have something that we don't like about our bodies.  Every single one of us!  And that is okay.  With most of these things, there are things we can do to address them.

Take a good personal inventory and find out what it is that you want to change.  Change in this matter is a good thing.  

[wyrpamatz]

I agree with AnnieBrooke and RockRose I think you should speak to a therapist about your low self esteem. What if you look at your self in a mirror and really look at yourself & look at the positive things b/c everybody has things that they LOVE on their body. Why don't you try it I think it will help you a lot. And don't compare yourself with other women b/c that will really hurt you. Just think "I am the most beautiful woman" and believe in yourself.

                    Best Wishes To You.

[RockRose]

I agree with Annie.  I think you should go for counseling.

And BTW - it sounds like you think other women who are continuously "dressed" feel differently.  I don't think so.  I believe this is exactly what vanity IS - the inability to stand comparing yourself - or anyone else comparing you - unfavorably with others.  Mirror mirror on the wall,  who's the fairest of them all?  That's the core of vanity.

I think a therapist could re-focus you outside yourself,  rather than on your looks, so you could drop this burden and begin to live.  I would guess you miss out on a lot of life - would you ever ride the Water Flume at a park and end up soaked in public?

[AnnieBrooke]

Do you literally mean a panic attack?  You could see a counselor, and tell your boyfriend that you are working on this little hiccup in your self-esteem.  That would help to ease the fighting.

I understand the desire to look well, that is human nature.  But if it gets to the point where you won't go to the grocery store unless you are dolled up in full makeup, or else you get an anxiety attack, then some neutral help from a third party would do you a lot of good.