Divorce or not?

[wondering1989]

My husband & I have been married for 23 yrs & have a 16 yr-old daughter.  Through all the years, I've had an issue with his interest in porn and the fact that he's overly "friendly" to other woman.  He admits that he has boundary issues and says he'll work on it.  We've stayed together through his affair 11 yrs ago, charges for sexual assault 6 yrs ago, sexting in the last few months and now 2 claims of sexual harassment yesterday.

After the affair, we went through counseling which only left me feeling inadequate and guilty of putting my child first instead of him.  Over the years, my self-confidence, which wasn't high in the first place, has been knocked to the ground and, with the latest stuff, just unsure of everything.

I'm to the point of thinking both my daughter and I would be better off without him.  They argue often and it ends with her in tears wanting to "get away" and him angry and resentful.  I'm seen as the peacemaker, but they both resent me trying to explain the other person's side of things.

Anyway, is there any hope of things getting better or should I stop hoping for miracles?  Thanks for any and all responses, both positive and negative.

[wondering1989]

Thanks again for all the replies. Lots to think about :(

[specialmom]

Ah, that is hard.  This will change the dynamic some I'm sure but hopefully they are aware of the things their son has done (since there are legal charges) and will understand.  Stay strong.  And as you put this what seems to be a serial cheat behind you, you never know what your life will hold.  Keep the faith.  Lots of good things and times ahead for you.  peace

[wondering1989]

I appreciate your comments, specialmom.  It has been hard for a long time and, as much as I know that it can't continue, I'm very afraid of losing my in-laws who are like my own family.  I have no family close and just feel so alone in this situation.

Thanks again.

[wondering1989]

Thanks for the input ~ it's great to have unbiased "eyes" on the situation.

[RockRose]

I think it's just a matter of time before this man is charged with felony rape and maybe even worse.  You don't say how the sexual assault charges were resolved,  but when there's this much background,  it's hard not to believe there was probably some foundation for the charges.

If I were you,  I'd leave.  

Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

Missmy, I do agree she should have a talk with her daughter and explain that things are bad between them (or that she is finally losing patience), but I don't think it is necessarily a good idea for a mother to ask a 16-year-old what to do, even if it is just giving lip service to seeking her opinion.  This is a woman who has tried to be the conciliator and wound up looking to each person like she takes the side of the other; in other words, her daughter already thinks she is trying to please everyone and not pleasing anyone.  A teenage girl needs to see her mom role-model decisiveness and strength, and in a bad situation like this would welcome a clear-cut statement along the lines of "I've done all I can, and now it's over, and we are leaving" rather than "What is your opinion about what I should do with this sex offender who I've been trying to sweep problems under the rug with for all these years?"

[MissmyAngel]

Honestly I think you should have a talk with your daughter (being careful not to downtalk your husband to her) and just tell her that things are getting bad between you two, and would like her opinion on what to do.

[AnnieBrooke]

If he had an affair and then was brought up on charges for sexual assault years after that, sweetheart, calling it "boundary issues" is being extremely mild.  You're making apologies for a man who committed an act that is against the law.  It sounds like you've tried.  Now it is time to support your daughter at a key time in her development and show her by your actions that women are not doormats whose role is to look the other way and internalize all the bad acts of jerks.  Your daughter deserves to see you act as an autonomous individual who says enough is enough, and who either gets a respectful relationship, or none, and is fine with that.  If you can't leave for you, leave to show her that she deserves better in her relationships with men.  Kids don't believe what you say, they believe what you do.  Stop trying to take your husband's side with her, there is almost nothing to defend, there.

[thatquietgirl]

It sounds like it's pretty clear.  He's not willing to respect you, and he knows he can get away with lip service to pacify you or he'd have stopped all this behavior like he said he would.  He seems to view you as a pushover.  And your daughter's grown up seeing this behavior regardless of how much or how little she actually knows.  If you're unhappy and unable to be the best you for your daughter and for you, and you feel divorce is right for you, then go for it.  He's made it clear he has no respect for you and is not going to stop his behaviors.

At the very least, you need to let your daughter and your husband play out their own battles.  Resentment leads to a breakdown in communication over time, and with your self-admitted low self-confidence, this is not going to be good for you--especially if it ever happens that way with your daughter.

Do what you need to do for you and for your daughter's sake.