Failing in Asia

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

Sorry this is kind of a long story so I will try to make it as brief as possible.

Successful American male, earning 6 figures, marries an Asian girl. Girl insists on moving back to her home country. Husband sends his wife to Asia at least 4 months out of the year to visit home. Still not good enough....  Wife stipulates move or divorce.

Husband can not survive in Asia, does not speak the language. Eventually a baby is born. The wife really starts to make strong demands or returning home. So after 5 years of marriage in the US, couple moves to Asia. Husband now works 6-7 days a week, as opposed to 4.5 days a week in America. Husband is required to travel often.

Family now lives in the mother in laws house, husband is now treated as a fly on a wall. No longer treated as an important figure, relationship is really no longer treated as a relationship, more like an association of two individuals. No privacy, no intimacy....   Sex is minimal  3 times in 7 months to be exact. Wife states she has no intimate desires for her husband at all, and that it is not due to lack of husbands attractive looks. She states she is just sexually "TURNED OFF" period. She is not on any medications, The lack of sex within the marriage has lasted for 3 years. Husband and wife sleep in seperate rooms.

Husband, out of desperation finally had an affair....  and believes he may be in love with the other woman.

Husband does not want a divorce, does not want to lose his son, or a large amount of his wealth and in some respects still loves his wife.

This particular asian culture does support the practice of having a "minor wife" but he does not know if this could work...

He is dyeing inside.

Child has dual citizenship, without a doubt the mother would be granted custody. Wife, through her husband is already has 100% ownership of  rental property which provides the income of twice the average citizen in her home country. If there was a divorce she would retain the property because foreingers can not own land in her country. She would also recieve 20% of husbands income for child support & half of all of his savings. In short, she would be extremely rich.


Advice?

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

Truth is I dated essentially every color to every race to every religion essentially out there, or at least the major ones, from Mormons to Muslems done it all.
Even Pentacostals....  a rainbow of flavors & colors.

What happened in my situation is that I was dateing a woman that could very well have been a Victoria Secrets model, all body, little heart.  

I was involved in a very bad accident, my wife now, was just a friend then, but she stayed with me 24/7.....   she was a foreing student in a foreing land, and I was essentially her only friend. She begged me not to die, "Please don't leave me" she said.  I told her that if I lived I would marry her....   Sweet story...

I lived, we married 28 days after the accident. (Compound Skull fracture, hematoma etc)

My girlfriend, called me after I was released from the hospital...  she was angry with me because I never called her while I was at the hospital, nor did I tell her that I had been released.  Needless to say, that relationship was soon abolished, or my phone number was ereased etc. I believe her comment was "Enjoy that shrimp eater...."  Yea I thought that was weird too...!

So there was not a lot of time to REFLECT on things, cultures etc. I had lived in other countries and adapted well... enjoyed them actually. So I really didn't fear this situation. But let me tell you, if our problems are due to culture I am saddened.  I think a majority of it could be, but I also atribute it to the lack of sex, lack of care towards me, the bait and switch promisses that were given to get me here to this country.

I have enough to retire here, instead I work essentially 7 days a week. Sure I make a lot of money for this country, even for the US, but that is not the point I came here to relax...  I have already worked and saved...  

well, sorry folks, like I said this is a novel.

[hatrick03]

I know this doesn't really help you now, but I wish more people would think more about cultural differences before getting in interracial relationships. I've dated outside my race a couple of times, and figured I'd be more in tune with a man outside my race since women are minorities too, and we've all historically been oppressed in a white male-dominated society. I'm pretty liberal and a feminist, and it's true, non-white men do tend to have more liberal social views than white men. But, there are culture barriers that I didn't think about. Even the U.S. black culture is remarkably different than the U.S. white culture. I dated an Asian man, and we really didn't encounter cultural barriers since he grew up in a predominately white area and had just his dad in his life, so he didn't have the typically strong Asian family structure. But, Asian-Americans from my experience, typically DO have strong family values - family influence in their lives is great. Many AA's tend to have a strong tie to their homeland. My ex was born in Taiwan, but has bad memories of it and had little interest in returning, but he was into travelling and was more open to moving around and living outside the U.S. than I was.

Also, you have to be careful - a lot of people get into interracial relationships for the wrong reasons. They want to experience another culture, or they want to see if the stereotypes are true. Or, like me, they've had bad experiences from men of their own race. I've rarely encountered a white man who wasn't conservative, esp. when it comes to social values, even if he votes Democratic. I was just tired of it after living in the city and being around men of other races who were not like this. But, I don't know if I could ever make a lifetime commitment to someone of another race. The attraction is not the same, for one - I can think a non-white man is very handsome, but when I date him the attraction just isn't there, and from my experiences, doesn't grow. I'm not saying this is what your wife is encountering, but it could be that the novelty of being with a white man has worn off and she is interested in being with someone of her own race. There is said to be "a loss of a person of the same color" when someone marries outside their race. I know we talk big about there being no differences b/w races, people are people, etc., but the fact is that's not true.

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

I would say you really got to know asian culture, and I think you lived where I live now. I have lived in other parts of Asia, but this particular country takes the "woman being the boss" to all new level.

Truth is, I really don't care about that. What I care about is the role that "our family" has now. There is no "our" family, it is "THE FAMILY" and our/my family has just become spokes of the wheel. The wheel of THE FAMILY. It used to be just us, now it is the neighborhood!  Like I said there is literally no privacy....  the mother-in-law just bursts through the door like no big deal. If by some chance I was actually having sex (little chance) she would really get a surprise. I have rental properties, in fact I have a one empty right now... but the wife does not want to go. I have a co. right now interested in my working for them in a different country, and I don't even think my wife would come with me. Truth is, I can't blame her, our present state of marriage....  well put it this way, we co-exsist and that is about it.

Which is pretty much on par for most asian mariages.

".....typically cute and tough and seemingly adventurous Asian girls only to be shocked after marriage...."  Sums it up dramatically...............

[Trialanderror]

Having lived in a part of Asia myself as a foreigner, I know what you are talking about. I have seen many Western guys fall in love with the typically cute and tough and seemingly adventurous Asian girls only to be shocked after marriage about how dominant the position of the woman of the house, especially the mother-in-law can be. It is pretty common for men to have mistresses there, even with their own wife`s encouragement but that will not resolve your clashing with the cultural differences. Try the apartment solution for a while, at least you are still in reach for your child while he or she needs a father. Or cut the ties, get all financial issues settled and be on your way back to America to start a new life. That however may break your child`s heart. He or she may always have to explain herself for being of mixed race which is really an issue in Asia unless they become models later on. Thus your child will be reminded of you constantly. So try to be there for as long as you can, just work on the living conditions. As for lack of interest in sex after childbirth - this is pretty common in most cultures, often due to lack of sleep, resentments, physical damage, depression and the like. The Western cure for this is couple counseling and communication but that would be pretty uncommon in Asia. I think there is little hope for improvement at the home front. Hope this helps from a female point of view...

[Wear/a/Jimmy]

liquid figure, at least 225K USD, that is at the time of divorce, and at least  15K or more for child support. We have ZERO liabilities, we owe nothing.

Inheritance, around 500-700K USD at risk here, possibly more. But the inheritance, should be in the form of a trust fund. The inhertance is really a small issue here, because that is a future issue, not NOW.

I am 35 yrs old, and unfortunatley, I like sex. At the first of our marriage she did too.  I mean she would even make vidieos of herself and give them to me when she left for long periods of time to go home to visit. I tell you this not because I am wierd in the head...  I just am trying to set the level of sexuality that she used to operate on.  After getting pregnant, it all went down hill. Pretty much zero sex.

Reg. Running the show:  Yes in this culture the woman is the boss.... HANDS DOWN NO QUESTION ASKED on that one. In America, I did not mind so much, but here, because I do not speak the language....   she really can control my every move/action etc.  I try to learn the language, and when I gain a little independence it does help "me" but it does not help our relationship. Or I guess I can look at masturbation as a the ultimate form of independence....?!

[pertykitty]

wow you have quite the situation.  should you stay, you suffer.  should you leave, your child is so far away.  if you were to divorce then your inheritance would be to you, not her im guessing.  after, who knows.  sounds like she tricked you, and is running the show.  maybe this is how people from this area live, i dont know.  how do you know the exact figures you stand to lose?  with a great attorney maybe you can get off easier.  its hard for you im sure!!! you have to think about what is more important to you, and what you are willing to lose in both accounts.  i couldnt live this way, but i couldnt stand to be so far away from my child either.