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Feel Like Husbands Family is Ruining Our Marriage
First off let me say that I am super sorry this is such a novel but that I could really use some advice or at least someone to tell me if it is honestly my fault or to tell me that I’m not crazy for feeling so broken because of this.
Ever since I met my husband I have felt like the third wheel around his family and they have made points to tell me that I am not liked. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I have a 4 year old that he is supposed to be adopting from a previous relationship and together he and I have another daughter that just turned 2 last week. I have always put up with his families dislike of me and have tried to be the bigger person and let things go. Before we got married his mother came to our house crying because her and her son were in a fight and he wouldn’t talk to her so I felt bad and talked to her and during our conversation she tells me that she doesn’t know why her son is with me. That he should be with someone from Harvard or Columbia instead of a stupid little party girl like me.
Recently my mother in law called me to tell me how unsupportive I am of my husband and how I am the worst daughter in law and biggest disappointment in her life. I posted to all my friends on facebook that “I love when my mother in law calls me a disappointment. Just means she loves me!” All my friends commented about how horrible in laws can be and to not let her get to me. Well my niece (on my husband’s side) saw the post and texted me telling me I’m a horrible person and how could I do that to her grandma? Then I get a call from my husband saying that his niece had seen it and that his mom was mad and upset and that I was uninvited to his sister’s wedding until I deleted the post and apologized to his mother. His mother also decided to email every friend of mine that commented on it and tell them that she loves my family and that I was exaggerating and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt my family and loved us all. Anyways, I refused for 3 days to apologize because I don’t feel like I should have to censor what I say to my friends. But I could see that it was hurting my husband and so I decided to be the bigger person and I apologized and deleted the post. At the wedding they were short with me and rude and during the family “couples” dances and toasts I was given the job of filling up shots by myself on the other side of the venue.
My husband recently was cornered by his mom into leaving his job to come do the sales for her job. She claimed that he would be making better money since it was commissioned based, but that he would need to work really hard to get the numbers up to receive decent money. Before that he was making about 3000-8000 a month at his old job. When he told me he was going to quit and go work for his mom I BEGGED him not to. I told him that I didn’t think she would ever allow him to make more then he was currently making and I knew if he was with them 24/7 that they would get involved in our relationship and I didn’t want that. Within the first two months of working there he was only bringing in about $500 a week which to support our household (since I had just graduated from college and was searching for a job) was not enough. I ended up trying to sign up for food stamps and we were sent eviction papers from the landlord of the property we rent. When we needed to send in the food stamp papers I had just picked up my daughter from school and was wearing sweat pants. He told me to come into the office to fax the papers so I came in for about 5 minutes and left. About a week later is when we received the eviction notice which he asked me to bring him and then left on his desk for about a week. Then I ended up getting a job and called him to say “YAY” and he asked me to stop by the office so he could borrow some money. I went down to his office and handed him a $20 and asked if it was enough and he said that he needed to pay his phone bill and so I went out to my car and came back in and gave him $100. Then I reminded him that my car bill was due the next day so I needed the money back asap. That night I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me that I was NEVER allowed to come to her office again because I create too make conflict for a work environment. I asked her what she meant since I hadn’t felt like I had done anything and she starts yelling about how I come into her office in pjs and leave our eviction crap all over the place for anyone to find and that I was yelling at Nathan about money when I went into the office earlier that day. I started to cry and my husband was like “whats wrong” and so I hung up on her and told him and he was upset because he felt that I too had done nothing wrong and that I most certainly hadn’t yelled and so he called her and told her to back off. Then after calling her he tells me that its my fault and that I need to respect her boundaries.
Ever since I met my husband I have felt like the third wheel around his family and they have made points to tell me that I am not liked. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. I have a 4 year old that he is supposed to be adopting from a previous relationship and together he and I have another daughter that just turned 2 last week. I have always put up with his families dislike of me and have tried to be the bigger person and let things go. Before we got married his mother came to our house crying because her and her son were in a fight and he wouldn’t talk to her so I felt bad and talked to her and during our conversation she tells me that she doesn’t know why her son is with me. That he should be with someone from Harvard or Columbia instead of a stupid little party girl like me.
Recently my mother in law called me to tell me how unsupportive I am of my husband and how I am the worst daughter in law and biggest disappointment in her life. I posted to all my friends on facebook that “I love when my mother in law calls me a disappointment. Just means she loves me!” All my friends commented about how horrible in laws can be and to not let her get to me. Well my niece (on my husband’s side) saw the post and texted me telling me I’m a horrible person and how could I do that to her grandma? Then I get a call from my husband saying that his niece had seen it and that his mom was mad and upset and that I was uninvited to his sister’s wedding until I deleted the post and apologized to his mother. His mother also decided to email every friend of mine that commented on it and tell them that she loves my family and that I was exaggerating and wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt my family and loved us all. Anyways, I refused for 3 days to apologize because I don’t feel like I should have to censor what I say to my friends. But I could see that it was hurting my husband and so I decided to be the bigger person and I apologized and deleted the post. At the wedding they were short with me and rude and during the family “couples” dances and toasts I was given the job of filling up shots by myself on the other side of the venue.
My husband recently was cornered by his mom into leaving his job to come do the sales for her job. She claimed that he would be making better money since it was commissioned based, but that he would need to work really hard to get the numbers up to receive decent money. Before that he was making about 3000-8000 a month at his old job. When he told me he was going to quit and go work for his mom I BEGGED him not to. I told him that I didn’t think she would ever allow him to make more then he was currently making and I knew if he was with them 24/7 that they would get involved in our relationship and I didn’t want that. Within the first two months of working there he was only bringing in about $500 a week which to support our household (since I had just graduated from college and was searching for a job) was not enough. I ended up trying to sign up for food stamps and we were sent eviction papers from the landlord of the property we rent. When we needed to send in the food stamp papers I had just picked up my daughter from school and was wearing sweat pants. He told me to come into the office to fax the papers so I came in for about 5 minutes and left. About a week later is when we received the eviction notice which he asked me to bring him and then left on his desk for about a week. Then I ended up getting a job and called him to say “YAY” and he asked me to stop by the office so he could borrow some money. I went down to his office and handed him a $20 and asked if it was enough and he said that he needed to pay his phone bill and so I went out to my car and came back in and gave him $100. Then I reminded him that my car bill was due the next day so I needed the money back asap. That night I got a call from my mother-in-law screaming at me that I was NEVER allowed to come to her office again because I create too make conflict for a work environment. I asked her what she meant since I hadn’t felt like I had done anything and she starts yelling about how I come into her office in pjs and leave our eviction crap all over the place for anyone to find and that I was yelling at Nathan about money when I went into the office earlier that day. I started to cry and my husband was like “whats wrong” and so I hung up on her and told him and he was upset because he felt that I too had done nothing wrong and that I most certainly hadn’t yelled and so he called her and told her to back off. Then after calling her he tells me that its my fault and that I need to respect her boundaries.
So, you've got some drama...what's the deal with the engagement ring, why would someone do that to you? Did the guy get arrested for stealing the ring?
As for the pics....not sure what "implied" nude is...never heard of that....is that like what would be found in playboy....like nude, but no "cat" showing? Or no nipples?
I'll be honest...sounds like you may have downplayed the pics to your hubby, and sort of got called on it. You would have been better off showing him then from the beginnning...then he could have said to his sister, "I've already seen those...A showed them to me years ago". That would have taken the wind right out of her sails.
I agree about letting everything go. That's not going to be an easy thing to do, because no doubt they have treated you very poorly, and it will probably feel as though you're "giving in", but really, your marriage depends on what's going to happen next.
I strongly advise marital therapy...where you guys can share with each other these issues that have hurt you...like him not standing up for you.,.,.that needs addressed. You need to tell him how that makes you feel. NOT with finger pointing or blame, but just with facts. Something like, "Regardless of what has happened, I know you're stuck in the middle and that's hard, but you need to know how hurtful it was for me to have your family saying mean and unkind things about me, with you not sticking up for me"
I think you guys have a LOT to sort out, and I really hope you're able. It's a well nown fact, that right or wrong, in-laws have been deal breakers for people. It would be a shame if all of this drama, fueled by both sides, manages to split you guys up.
I think it may be as simple as YOU stopping everything, NO negative talk about them, and HIM starting to set some boundaires and limits with his family. If YOU are not biting...their drama will flop. They'll have nothing to feed on, and quite honestly, it will make them look VERY bad to continue picking on you while you are saying nothing. That might be enough to upset your hubby so that he starts defending you.
I also REALLY think he's too dependent on them. once you work through therapy a bit, I would bring up that you think it would be better if he didn't work for his Mom. It's NOT a good situation, and has been the sourse of many an argument.
As for the pics....not sure what "implied" nude is...never heard of that....is that like what would be found in playboy....like nude, but no "cat" showing? Or no nipples?
I'll be honest...sounds like you may have downplayed the pics to your hubby, and sort of got called on it. You would have been better off showing him then from the beginnning...then he could have said to his sister, "I've already seen those...A showed them to me years ago". That would have taken the wind right out of her sails.
I agree about letting everything go. That's not going to be an easy thing to do, because no doubt they have treated you very poorly, and it will probably feel as though you're "giving in", but really, your marriage depends on what's going to happen next.
I strongly advise marital therapy...where you guys can share with each other these issues that have hurt you...like him not standing up for you.,.,.that needs addressed. You need to tell him how that makes you feel. NOT with finger pointing or blame, but just with facts. Something like, "Regardless of what has happened, I know you're stuck in the middle and that's hard, but you need to know how hurtful it was for me to have your family saying mean and unkind things about me, with you not sticking up for me"
I think you guys have a LOT to sort out, and I really hope you're able. It's a well nown fact, that right or wrong, in-laws have been deal breakers for people. It would be a shame if all of this drama, fueled by both sides, manages to split you guys up.
I think it may be as simple as YOU stopping everything, NO negative talk about them, and HIM starting to set some boundaires and limits with his family. If YOU are not biting...their drama will flop. They'll have nothing to feed on, and quite honestly, it will make them look VERY bad to continue picking on you while you are saying nothing. That might be enough to upset your hubby so that he starts defending you.
I also REALLY think he's too dependent on them. once you work through therapy a bit, I would bring up that you think it would be better if he didn't work for his Mom. It's NOT a good situation, and has been the sourse of many an argument.
I used to be an agency signed model. When my husband and I first started dating I told him that I had never done nude photos but that I had done implied nude. His family googled my maiden name (not my married name which I go by) and found the photo and showed it to my husband and he blew up. Apparently if you are nude even if your parts are covered up that isn't OK to him. I assumed he knew what implied nude was and he didn't. She also found my medhelp and said I was posting about the girls online and pictures of them. And we had our engagement ring stolen and the guy that took it wrote and article pretending to be me on cheatersville.com. I commented on that article saying it wasn't me that posted it and the information was incorrect. Nathan knew about all these things but he was still angry all over again.
Again, I'm with RockRose. Every time we suggest anything in this thread, you come back with a further long, detailed complaint about them and how while you might have been at fault, they are REALLY at fault, and your husband is supposed to say such and such to fix it and he hasn't and you are so hurt, etc.. Continuing to rev up the argument is not 50% your fault, it is 100% your fault. Stop revving up the argument. Unless you want to lose.
Good luck.
Good luck.
alaysha, my guess is that thing at the end of your post - your husband has rehearsed it and rehearsed it in his mind but he knows it would do no good whatsoever.
Both sides in this are addicted to the thrill of drama. That's why his sister googled your name. To dig up fresh juicy drama to enjoy. At this point, you're in line to lose so very much that the pleasure of the battle is no longer there for you - it's become very serious, but for them it's still a thrill. Probably the most thrilling thing they have, this pack of people against you.
And there's your husband stuck in the middle. If he were a different man, he'd stick up for you. But he's not.
SO. How about you take the advice you wrote there and just stop? As hard as it is, just completely stop talking about them in a negative way. No running after your MIL and grabbing the car door and saying she needs to give you a lot of notice before activities with your kids, no facebooking, no complaining to your husband about how his family behaves.
Can you do that? Can you take the next 2.5 weeks before your counseling session - and completely, completely rest this? No complaints, no stirring anything up, no complaining about them, no confrontations?
I think you'll feel like a completely different person if you can put this away.
I agree with SM, I'm really terribly curious about what they found about you. It's like, when they are looking for fresh fodder for the gossip mill, there's plenty of ammo out there.
Best wishes. I don't know at this point if this is savable. All you can do, is what YOU can do though.
Both sides in this are addicted to the thrill of drama. That's why his sister googled your name. To dig up fresh juicy drama to enjoy. At this point, you're in line to lose so very much that the pleasure of the battle is no longer there for you - it's become very serious, but for them it's still a thrill. Probably the most thrilling thing they have, this pack of people against you.
And there's your husband stuck in the middle. If he were a different man, he'd stick up for you. But he's not.
SO. How about you take the advice you wrote there and just stop? As hard as it is, just completely stop talking about them in a negative way. No running after your MIL and grabbing the car door and saying she needs to give you a lot of notice before activities with your kids, no facebooking, no complaining to your husband about how his family behaves.
Can you do that? Can you take the next 2.5 weeks before your counseling session - and completely, completely rest this? No complaints, no stirring anything up, no complaining about them, no confrontations?
I think you'll feel like a completely different person if you can put this away.
I agree with SM, I'm really terribly curious about what they found about you. It's like, when they are looking for fresh fodder for the gossip mill, there's plenty of ammo out there.
Best wishes. I don't know at this point if this is savable. All you can do, is what YOU can do though.
If you're comfortable sharing, maybe you could give us an example or two of these things they're finding out that have become an issue? Maybe it would shed some light on the situation for us? I agree, it's kind of confusing...the way you explain it, they're just soooo over the top with disdain for you...are there some things that they may be justified in being concerned about?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying someone googling your name, just to start crap with you and your hubby...but maybe there is a genuine concern somewhere, that has just gotten blown out of proportion?
Same with the issue of them calling you a "party girl". Do you go out frequently to night club type places with your friends? Did you recently "party" a lot? I'm not pointing fingers, just trying to understand.
I think it's great that you can be honest and admit you have a part in this...but I agree with SM that there seems to be a piece of the puzzle left out, and the biggest concern, for ME would be, that, with the googling, whatever your SIL found, your hubby didn't know about, because he ended up asking you about it. If they're discovering not so attractive issues from your past, and your hubby doesn't know about them, that sure puts him in an awkward place. How can he defend you in those situations, when he's in the dark? That probably makes him feel like a fool.
You certainly don't owe your in-laws any kind of explanation over issues that happened in your past that maybe were the result of some poor choices (providing they're not HUGELY scary), but you DO owe your hubby those explanations.
Please try not to get defensive, we're really trying to help you, we're not judging you, the more upfront you are about this, the better we can try to help you. It's a difficult situation, for sure.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying someone googling your name, just to start crap with you and your hubby...but maybe there is a genuine concern somewhere, that has just gotten blown out of proportion?
Same with the issue of them calling you a "party girl". Do you go out frequently to night club type places with your friends? Did you recently "party" a lot? I'm not pointing fingers, just trying to understand.
I think it's great that you can be honest and admit you have a part in this...but I agree with SM that there seems to be a piece of the puzzle left out, and the biggest concern, for ME would be, that, with the googling, whatever your SIL found, your hubby didn't know about, because he ended up asking you about it. If they're discovering not so attractive issues from your past, and your hubby doesn't know about them, that sure puts him in an awkward place. How can he defend you in those situations, when he's in the dark? That probably makes him feel like a fool.
You certainly don't owe your in-laws any kind of explanation over issues that happened in your past that maybe were the result of some poor choices (providing they're not HUGELY scary), but you DO owe your hubby those explanations.
Please try not to get defensive, we're really trying to help you, we're not judging you, the more upfront you are about this, the better we can try to help you. It's a difficult situation, for sure.
COMMUNITY LEADER
What are you doing that you can google your name and things pop up? Just curious. And why don't you use your married name?
I just feel like there is more to the story. Like there is something else going on with you personally that has contributed to the rift.
I had a family member I was curious about and i googled her name. It happens in the age of the internet. But usually when you google someone, you find so little. So----- it makes me wonder what is going on with you.
If you have some kind of life behind your husband's back--- that they aren't telling him lies but TRUE info from the internet about you--- that is odd.
good luck
I just feel like there is more to the story. Like there is something else going on with you personally that has contributed to the rift.
I had a family member I was curious about and i googled her name. It happens in the age of the internet. But usually when you google someone, you find so little. So----- it makes me wonder what is going on with you.
If you have some kind of life behind your husband's back--- that they aren't telling him lies but TRUE info from the internet about you--- that is odd.
good luck
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