Girlfriend is serious about our relationship but says she need space

[TJohn3]

So my girlfriend and i have been dating for almost 2 years now and we both love each other very much and we have discussed marriage before and we both agree we are the perfect match for each other. our familys like our significant others and also see us as a great couple. we met in college and now go to two separate colleges not too far apart. during the school year we talked everyday and really looked forward to each weekend (the only time we would see each other). we have had sex, alot in the beginning of the relationship but have slowed way down on that part to focus on us and wait til marriage. we have had some small fights but nothing too serious to really affect our relationship and how we feel. we always turn out stronger in the end and realize more about each other. then when the summer hit she was sad to leave me but we knew the distance would make us stronger. we recently saw each other about a month ago for a few days and she was really happy to see me and sad that she had to leave. we still talked during the day and always have called each other to say good night ever since we started dating. then a week after she visited me she had to go work at a camp and was really busy working. she made friends (girls) at the camp and was excited about meeting new friends. we didnt talk much and it was frustrating for me at times not being able to talk to her. i think we just had one small fight but we were fine the next day. we always talked at nights on the phone before bed for about 10 minutes too. then after a week or two of working at the camp she seemed more distant towards me. she said she needed space and didnt want to always talk at night (even though we have been doing that since we first started dating) she said she didnt know what was going on but she just needed space to figure it out. she thought she was changing? i asked if she felt differently towards me and she said "idk! idk whats going on". i am confused on how to feel or what to think. she says she still loves me with everything she is and will never cheat on me. what is going on??

[Aimbow55]

John, hi, I'm Amy.

I'm so heartbroken for you. This really is an awful situation. I've also been through two breaking myself, but John, I was not walking as closely with the Lord as I should have been. I was putting myself into situations that basically told God "I love you God, but I want to do this MY way."

I'm going to be extremely blunt with you: you don't need a girlfriend, you don't need a good career, you don't need a social life. You need to seek God. You need to build that relationship and plunge into His love. People wont understand, people will mock you, people will try to tell you that you should just do what feels right, people will also try to tell you that you have follow a long list of rules to be close to God.

I would guess that if you are anything like myself, God is standing right next to you, and He's been watching your struggles the whole time, and all He really wants you to do is seek Him.

I also have to be very blunt about another thing: having sex like you did was a sin. Scripture says that Gods standards are so much higher than ours, that even looking upon a woman and lusting in your heart is sin - unless that woman happens to be your wife of course (matt 5:28). Having sexual dealings with your girlfriend (or boyfriend in my case) is basically choking your relationship from the beginning. Marriage is supposed to be a symbol of Jesus' love for the church, and when you decide that sex is "ok" before marriage, it's basically defiling the very image of God. It's like saying that people get to commune with God even while they are living in sin. No. God does the reaching down to us and then we accept and BAM! We're a new creation (aka, we're "married" to Him).

Maybe you already figured all of that out. I just read all of your story, and I can't help but share what I've learned through the years. God can bring you someone wonderful (He did it to me) but HE gets the glory. Real, full, life only comes through a relationship with God.

(btw, I'm proud of you for being a man and breaking up with her. It was the right thing to do, both for your and her sake.)

Psalm 38
Hebrews 12

I hope the best for you!

[TJohn3]

so, after this break i find out that she made out with this other guy for about ten minutes. apparently she feels a more spiritual connection with him than she does with me. we are both lutheran and are both religious. her family is very religious because of how they grew up. her dad is becoming a pastor and so are some other family members of hers. but i am also religious and live in a very lutheran town. we also addressed the issue of growing more as individuals and taking things slow rather than moving so quickly with our relationship. so in the end she says she has a spark with this guy and she has lost her spark with me. she also said after she cheated on me she didnt feel bad about it at first and it took her a while for her to feel bad about it. and shes also not sure who she wants to be with (him or me) because of her different feelings.

so if she has to contemplate who she wants to be with after knowing him for only a month and being with me for almost two years. so that tells me alot about how she feels. so i broke up with her. and i feel ok about it and am just trying to get past it all. my only concern is if she wants to try to get back together and says she made a mistake in doing all this to me.  i still care for her alot but im just not sure if my feelings will ever return to the way they were after all this has happened. its going to take alot from her to win me back over. she really deeply hurt me.

so my last question is if she does say she wants to get back together with me and that she is sorry for everything shes done and regrets it, what do i do? should i try to make it work with saying she has alot of trust to build back up with me. im still not sure if i would feel the same way about her. or should i just completely move on from her and look for someone better? im not looking for an answer just some advice to help me out.. im just so confused and hurt

[TJohn3]

Thank you so much for your insight! i really needed someone to talk to privately and you really seem to know what your talking about haha. you give really good advice and i will follow it! I am being honest and respectful of her but its killing me waiting. and ive been trying to prepare myself for when she will text me or talk to me in some manner so that i do not get angry or like you said defensive (which i have been known to be slightly defensive..) i did see her facebook status that she posted about saying shes going out to the city tonight so i dont know what that means... and i am trying not to think of the worst. were not old enough to drink yet but im hoping she didnt go to a club... we have been to a club before but it was over a year ago and she is a very shy person but it just seems like shes breaking out of her shell alot more lately.

we have made a deal with each other not to go out and drink with out each other or to go to the club with out each other. especially dancing with others of the opposite sex. and she has been really faithful to me and even says if she got a couples massage she wouldnt want a guy to do it because it would make her feel uncomfortable. which i really like and it really attracts me to her. so if she went out and was dancing up on other guys idk how i would react to that....it would break my heart. (im sorry im going off on a rant but it really helps me to just put it all into words and not keep it bottled up. she said she would rather not have me talk to anybody about her needing space until she figures herself out) ive been just trying to relax and enjoy myself and my friends but my mind keeps thinking about her and the possibility of us breaking up.... i cant live with out her... were a really good couple and have always had a really great relationship and others have said the same thing about us. but just that one day she just seemed different and then wanted space..

[specialmom]

Well, that is a really good question.  It will be a little like an elephant in the room.  But I think initially, I'd allow her to direct the conversation.  When she is back and if you spend some time together or she contacts you more, it is fair to ask what changed her mind about the relationship.  You can ask it in a way that is not putting her on the spot but more that you are trying to understand.  You can also ask her if there are things you can work on to be a better boyfriend.  That is not a bad question to ask-----------  I ask this of my husband frequently because it helps me understand if there is a problem in his eyes and helps me be a better partner.  You just can't get defensive------------  which can be hard.  

And reality is, for a relationship to work-------------  you have to have your needs met as well.  So maybe something that is important to you is something she has a problem with and then that would indicate that you might not be as great a match as you initially thought.  

But I think you are handling this the right way.  It is hard to do that when we are hurt.  Proud of you, man!  Hang in there and keep us posted.

[TJohn3]

Thank you so much for your understanding and words of wisdom. it is going on day 7 right now of no talking but i told her a week ago i am here to talk to her whenever. but i have been doing my own thing and have kept myself busy with summer classes and with work. and yes i am 20 and so is she. i do believe she is really busy working the christian camp and both of us are pretty religious also on a side note. but i have been respecting her space and waiting for her to feel comfortable to talk to me again. but i have one more question for you. when she starts talking to me again i plan on not requesting what happened or what made her feel like shes changing and needs space. i am just hoping it comes out on its own and she will explain to me what her feelings are and what changed. i just was wondering how i should react in this situation. im guessing just be calm and collected and dont get upset and be understanding of her feelings and listen to what she has to say to try to change my mindset a little and let both of us grow together but also (just as importantly) as individuals. its just been really hard for me cause we havent talked in a week and im a little nervous/scared of the outcome of all this even though im putting on a brave face and not showing it

[teko]

I think the writing is on the wall. She is not sure of what she feels or in what direction she needs to go, the timing in her life is not right. She does not want to lose you as a friend, but not sure she wants you right now in the forever after either. She is breaking free in order to go find herself. It may or may not work for the two of you but at a later date Im afraid.

[AnnieBrooke]

She is in a new world where things are interesting and vital new stuff is happening every moment, and you are asking her to stay with the exact old status quo that she was in before she arrived in the interesting new world.  What are you two, 19 or 20?  This is the perfect time of life to find interesting and vital new stuff that is happening.  I'm sure she isn't cheating, unless you think it's cheating to find and love new life experiences and learn new strengths about yourself, and find that exciting.  Unless you had gone to camp with her, you are inevitably not part of that.  Time is the only thing that will tell whether she comes back happily to your arms, or whether you two have grown apart.

Your best bet is to act comfortable and casual, and say "love" when you are done talking on the phone, but not to act worried or whiny.  It won't change anything or help, if you act worried.  She's going to go and make the decisions she makes, and will be happy to come back to you if she comes back to you, or will move on.  This may sound very unfair, but if the situations were reversed (imagine you were asked to travel on a very exciting and challenging trip around the world with a group of people your own age that you enjoy) the same thing would happen to you, too.  Girlfriend back home would be a tender, loving spot in your heart, but not your most immediate priority.