abuse?

[ConnieG]

Okay, I need some help here.
My husband is the most patient person most of the time.  He puts up with my constant sarcasm and picking (which I shouldn't do but for some reason I can't stop).  But then every now and again I catch him in a bold face lie.  And when I he flips out.  he's only done it twice but the actions scare me a lot.  I just got out of a very abusive relationship a year and a half ago.  I met my hub a couple months after the breakup, we hit it off so well we were married in 6 months...
Well here is the background of yesterdays fight.  He was complaining about something dumb that happened in the past and (covers not big enough to cover king size bed and him not having "enough" as if he's the only one with enough covers every night....)  Anyway.  I got mad and said the covers are even today, I wasn't tugging on them I was straightening my side, I didn't take any of your covers and you were in bed 30 minutes before I got in bed if they were an issue why didn't you fix it before I got in or asked me to fix it now? instead of lecturing me....Anyway he went on and on about his lecture and I stormed off.  He followed me an hour later and apologized. I was still mad so he got mad again that his apology didn't wipe it all away.  
I said well your sorry I'm mad but not about what you did you would understand me still being upset....
He lied about raising his voice, I said I just heard you raise your voice. And he tells me he has been talking in this even tone the whole time.....What am I a moron that I wouldn't know what tone he used??? So I called him a liar.
That's when he got in my face an inch away yelling, showing his teeth, shaking his fists yelling and he even did the sign for choking someone!!! right at me.  How in the world am I supposed to know that him doing this isn't going to result in me being punched pushed or choked (which are all things I was quite used to in my last relationship)
So I walk off and tell him not to follow to leave me alone he was being abusive.  And he said, Or what?? are you going to hit me?!?!  
What in the world? NO i"m not going to hit you but I don't feel safe around you right now....
So I he follows me and I tell him if he doesn't leave me alone I'm leaving so he keeps following and yelling.
I go to the closet to get clothes and he locks me in telling me he's not letting me out until I promise not to leave.  Then he says he's not blocking me I can leave, he's taking up the entire doorway with arms crossed.  Seriously unless I push you I can't get out,
he does the same thing all the way down the hall and to the front door.  And when I tell him to move he says I'm not blocking the door.  You're standing in the hall between me and the door with your hand on your hips and elbows out so I can't get around without moving you! I am NOT going to lay a hand on you to get out of the door.  In my experience that is an invitation to be thrown across the room!! (from my ex, not him)
So today he denys any of it ever happening. According to him the only thing that happened was he blocked me from leaving because he was afraid I was so angry I would get in a car crash.....
What do I do????  How do I convince him he's a big fat liar???  
I'm so confused.  I don't want to leave him for good, but I dont' feel safe with him right now.

[AnnieBrooke]

mami, I would say so too, except Connie said "He puts up with my constant sarcasm and picking (which I shouldn't do but for some reason I can't stop)" in her first post, in a way that sounded like she didn't intend to try (then).  I've seen men AND women react almost like a crazy person to that kind of continuous cutting down.  

Also in her original post, she was so focused on being right in the fight, and didn't say anything more about herself being so continuously provoking.  ("How do I convince him he's a big fat liar???" is not about solving problems, it is about coming out on top in a fight.)  

I used to work at a poverty-law clinic that handled a lot of divorces, and one pair was particularly frustrating.  He would say snide, cruel things that set her off, and she would scream and rant like someone totally out of control, and he would fold his arms and say to his lawyer, "See?  She shouldn't have custody."  But his control issues were far worse than her overreactions.  He was in charge, was playing her for a fool.  I was annoyed at her for flipping out, but really annoyed at him for being so manipulative.  

Connie, one thing I've read is that sometimes people do this kind of picking and sarcasm because deep down they are testing whether the person will really stay, and they are so scared they'll leave that they just can't stop testing them.  Maybe if you two get to the point where you can really communicate honestly to each other that you don't intend to leave, there won't be the need for the picking?  

Good luck with your therapy.

[ConnieG]

I completely agree that he overreacted Mami!  And it was crazy how far it got.
Like you said, I'm hoping counseling will help us both too!  But at the same time I think that if you are pushed then it is easier to overreact.  But I am so much more calm about it because I printed off intimidation online and how it's not appropriate and how blocking and all that is bad, and I also typed a letter of how I saw the fight happened since he was so angry he was blinded to the details.  And he seems sincerely sorry and signed up for counseling and so I feel like we will be able to move forward and we will both get some tips on how to react more appropriately and how to better each other as spouses instead of let dumb things escelate (sp?) like that.  
Thanks RockRose :)

[RockRose]

Best wishes with it,  Connie.  Old habits are hard to break.  Been there,  done that.  

He looks like a nice guy in your photo -   ;D

[mami1323]

Am I the only one who thinks that her husband was overreacting?  I mean I can understand his frustration but to take it to the point that he did, well I don't blame Connie for being afraid.  I feel like you might have rushed into a new relationship too soon after your last one and when we do that we tend to repeat mistakes.  Especially when it comes to the cycle of abuse.  We need time to work on ourselves first and I would say that would be a good year or so.  I think you both have issues that need to be worked on.  That fight didn't need to happen.  I understand that it's annoying when someone picks at small things and so we tend to be sarcastic but that just escalates the situation.  However, he took it way overboard by blocking you and scaring you.  RockRose is right in the sense that there was no need for this argument.  However, I do feel like there was no excuse for him to try to overpower her.  So I'm glad he's agreed to counseling, I think that is a great idea.  It will help with future communication issues and teach you how to pick your battles.  Good luck.

[ConnieG]

I guess I missed the last paragraph...That's a great idea rockrose! I'm gonna do it tonight.  I have no idea why that never crossed my mind! :) lol

[ConnieG]

Thanks guys!  He signed up for therapy last night thank goodness.  And I am going to go too because of my sarcasm issues.
You all have good points! I was just frightened because I didn't know if this was a sign my past was going to repeat itself.  I want nothing more than to save the marriage Annie! :) So we are both going to counseling.

You're right to an extent RockRose, I was thinking that last night.  But I just get so afraid that people are going to be like the people in my past that I point out when they even almost seem like they'll be abusive and that can be so frustrating for someone who is far from the people of my past.  So I can imagine how he must feel stuck that he can't convince me he's not like those people.  I remember how I felt when exes did it to me.  Which is why I've decided to seek counseling too.  

We're new at the marriage and living together thing too, it's been only 7 months so we have a lot to learn to respect other peoples boundaries.

I appreciate all of your responses!

[RockRose]

Good God,  Connie.   : (

When he first started complaining that the covers weren't enough,  the thing to do is say are they usually not enough because I agree,  I'll shop soon for bigger covers.  

This little tiny dispute turned into such a huge mountain,  for no reason at all except the two of you are like the LockHorns.  I was at first concerned about your statement early in the post that you nag and are sarcastic all the time,  and you can't help it.  Yes you can,  you can help it.  Just stop it.  

Often when people raise their voice they don't realize they've done it,  I know both my husband and I are like that.  One of us will say well you don't have to yell about it,  and the other will say well you were,  and then the yeller will say I don't think I was.

There's no reason to say how can I convince him he's a big fat liar.

I don't think he's abusive or violent,  I think he's had all he can stands and he can't stands no more,  like Popeye.  I  think you've cut him off at the knees and he can't even defend himself without you cutting him short and keeping him from asserting himself because you say you're afraid he'll be violent.  

Maybe the two of you could get The Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  But to make it work,  you both have to WANT to make each other happy.  Which I certainly don't see here.  

I know I sound harsher than I intend,  but really.  Read back through your post,  and think about the goal of marriage - to make each other's lives richer and more wonderful,  to help each other out,  and to be each other's best friends.  

If your main goal is to convince him he's a big fat liar,  I think you're pretty far afield from that.

Tonight,  get on the computer,  and look through bedding ads and calmly say you're right we need bigger covers,  pick one of these three I like.  I think his jaw will hit the floor.

[imanaddict]

It sounds as if he needs some anger management to help him learn how to deal with anger. Also, he may not remember some of the things he said when he was mad. That happens to me more often than not. Sometimes when I get REALLY angry, I can't remember things that were said to me and things I said to someone else. I shake and get this feeling inside me like I'm going to explode. This only happens when I'm raging mad, not upset about something small. It could very well be the same for him.

You guys may also benefit from marriage counseling. Some sort of professional to talk to so you both can learn how to communicate effectively without blowing up and without the snide remarks.

[AnnieBrooke]

OK, when in a situation like this and married, your choices are, therapy or leave.   Do you think he'll go to therapy?  Is it worth trying to save your marriage or do you just want to get out?  I'd go for therapy whether or not you leave this man.  This is the kind of thing that happens over and over for some women because they can't break their own patterns and change what they are attracted to (or tolerate) so keep winding up with the same kind of guy.