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Halloween - Blended families
I am so frustrated right now. I have a daughter that will be 6 months old when Halloween rolls around and my Ficane' wants me to take her Trick-Or-Treating with his ex wife and two kids. I went last year while I was pregnant and felt like a 9th wheel.. I was there with him, his ex, his ex wife's new husband, her new husbands ex wife, her bestfriend, her mother and father, her sister, her sisters kids. It was unbelieveable. I do not want to go through that with my daughter... I want to ENJOY her first Halloween and have Halloween be ABOUT HER this year, and not about my Fiance's ex wife. I just want to go with my FAMILY...my SIL and her kids, and MY sisters and Her kids... how do I do this? What would you guys do? I know it's a kids "holiday" if you want to call it that. I feel selfish, but I also feel that my Fiance' is being selfish. I don't want him to have to choose, and I don't want to make this all about me, but I DO want to be comfortable on my daughters FIRST Halloween.
I have respected you and your advice to people in the past, but buddy you really can be a jerk, can't you?
I have no idea where you gathered your anger and conclusions from with this thread, but I think it deserves a little explaining on your part.
I am sorry if you have been scorned by an ex, and if you have I am sure I can relate to your situation.
In fact, Ava is NOT the THIRD chid, but the FOURTH. My fiance' has a third daughter by an ex girlfriend whom he has not been able to see for over a year of her life now. She just turned 2 on the sixteenth of September. I know how easy it is for women to use and abuse the system, because she uses it everyday. She has had him locked up on ficticious charges, and has been in contempt of court for over a year with their court ordered visitation. He can't fight her without paying $5,000.00 in lawyers fees, and still he continues to pay childsupport or she will have him served for being a DAY late. She used cocaine while pregnant with his daughter, and drank heavily as well.. she even attempted to get a late term abortion because he upset her. That baby would not be alive if it had not been for his fight to keep her in utero. I have seen him suffer through the pain of missing his daughter.
I am sorry if you are experiencing anything like this. I want you to understand that I am not trying to keep his children away from him, and I am not trying to interfer with his co-parenting with his ex-wife. I am amazed everyday by the way they co-parent together, she is a terrifer mother, and if you read through my previous posts you will see how I have admired her in the past. It is not so black and white, like many would like to believe it is. My pregnancy was a sweet surprise. I cherish my daughter, and her Daddy, and I absolutely adore her sisters. As I type this to you they are laying on my side of the bed, while I prepared my bed on the couch so they could sleep with their Daddy, and this is an every Thursday, and every other weekend arrangement, they get my bed, I get the couch. See, I'm not such a butthead.
I have no idea where you gathered your anger and conclusions from with this thread, but I think it deserves a little explaining on your part.
I am sorry if you have been scorned by an ex, and if you have I am sure I can relate to your situation.
In fact, Ava is NOT the THIRD chid, but the FOURTH. My fiance' has a third daughter by an ex girlfriend whom he has not been able to see for over a year of her life now. She just turned 2 on the sixteenth of September. I know how easy it is for women to use and abuse the system, because she uses it everyday. She has had him locked up on ficticious charges, and has been in contempt of court for over a year with their court ordered visitation. He can't fight her without paying $5,000.00 in lawyers fees, and still he continues to pay childsupport or she will have him served for being a DAY late. She used cocaine while pregnant with his daughter, and drank heavily as well.. she even attempted to get a late term abortion because he upset her. That baby would not be alive if it had not been for his fight to keep her in utero. I have seen him suffer through the pain of missing his daughter.
I am sorry if you are experiencing anything like this. I want you to understand that I am not trying to keep his children away from him, and I am not trying to interfer with his co-parenting with his ex-wife. I am amazed everyday by the way they co-parent together, she is a terrifer mother, and if you read through my previous posts you will see how I have admired her in the past. It is not so black and white, like many would like to believe it is. My pregnancy was a sweet surprise. I cherish my daughter, and her Daddy, and I absolutely adore her sisters. As I type this to you they are laying on my side of the bed, while I prepared my bed on the couch so they could sleep with their Daddy, and this is an every Thursday, and every other weekend arrangement, they get my bed, I get the couch. See, I'm not such a butthead.
I can tell you i understand where your coming from with the ex wife and family and all. My step daughter is being raised by my in laws and i'm fighting with them instead of the ex wife. My sons first halloween was last year and i did it the way i wanted it done. He did see his sister for a few minutes but of course it pissed a few people off that he didnt go with them. I didnt take him out around the neighborhood i just took him to family houses. They took her out around some neighborhood. So it was by chance they seen each other. Trust me i was glad to see her. I think you should sit down with your fiance and just tell him how you feel. Tell him YOU are going to make it a special holiday for Ava. Tell him you dont want to take him away from his other daughters. But remind him that it is Ava's first Halloween. And if he will work on it with you that it will mean alot to you but as much to her when she gets older. Its just my opinion. I sure do hope this works out for you and your family. I wish you the best!!
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this thread, and I finally am going to respond.
BH - Halloween is nothing. Really, it's a kid's party. Ava will probably prefer Trick or Treating with her big sisters once she is old enough to have any idea what this is about - running around grabbing candy. I think Halloween should be off the table as a concern. This year it would probably frighten her anyway.
There will be days where it is all about Ava. Her baptism (if you practice that), her birthdays, her school plays, her soccer games. That's all about her.
The other things - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, will be all about the whole family. She's the third child, and that's the role of the third child. I actually have video of my third son swinging in his swing, at the age of 2 months, while his older brothers tore through Christmas presents and got all our attention on Christmas morning. You pay attention to those who are aware of what's going on.
For you, she's the first child. For your family, she's the third daughter.
I understand, this is hard. With my first son his firsts were EVERYTHING. And they were everything to my husband, because that was his first.
You have a different path. She is a third child in the family, and as long as you take tons of pictures of her and make a big album so you can prove to her when she's 13 that SHE is as important as they are, that's all you need to do.
Because frankly most third kids don't have as many pictures.
Best wishes. Your path is harder. But she doesn't have to feel that. And the pictures you have of her sisters are so endearing - she loves them, they love her , it's all good.
BH - Halloween is nothing. Really, it's a kid's party. Ava will probably prefer Trick or Treating with her big sisters once she is old enough to have any idea what this is about - running around grabbing candy. I think Halloween should be off the table as a concern. This year it would probably frighten her anyway.
There will be days where it is all about Ava. Her baptism (if you practice that), her birthdays, her school plays, her soccer games. That's all about her.
The other things - Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, will be all about the whole family. She's the third child, and that's the role of the third child. I actually have video of my third son swinging in his swing, at the age of 2 months, while his older brothers tore through Christmas presents and got all our attention on Christmas morning. You pay attention to those who are aware of what's going on.
For you, she's the first child. For your family, she's the third daughter.
I understand, this is hard. With my first son his firsts were EVERYTHING. And they were everything to my husband, because that was his first.
You have a different path. She is a third child in the family, and as long as you take tons of pictures of her and make a big album so you can prove to her when she's 13 that SHE is as important as they are, that's all you need to do.
Because frankly most third kids don't have as many pictures.
Best wishes. Your path is harder. But she doesn't have to feel that. And the pictures you have of her sisters are so endearing - she loves them, they love her , it's all good.
I don't know how this will work for you. But my cousin was married for almost 10 years and had two kids from the marriage. He got divorced and remarried a couple years later. The kids are still young and now he has a new son with his new wife thats 17 months old. With major holidays like christmas they do the whole with dad on christmas eve and mom on christmas day. Normally they switch off weekends with dad. Meaning, they live with their mom mostly but go to dads every other weekend. For Halloween I believe they go to their dads and go T&Ting early then go back home to their mom and spend the rest of the time with that part of the family. The wives get along, but don't like each other obviously, so they try not to be at the same family functions. I fully understand and do not think you're being rude or anything that you don't want to tag along with family thats only yours by marriage (almost anyways lol). I would suggest spliting the night between the two. That way your husband can be with all of his family then letting the girls be with the moms side of the family. He would be with the girls and you and Ava, then y'all wouldn't have to go with the ex's family.
Well I don't have to say it because MrsOckert and AJ said it already. BH is a great step mom or potential step mom. She is doing her best in a very stressful and difficult situation. She has always did what was best for the entire family, she is just tired of having to constantly bend for others and then left to feel like the odd one out. Her fiance constantly puts everyone before her and his new child. Does she have to share every moment with her fiance's ex even if they share children together? What if she had a child with someone else, should she expect her fiance to constantly be hanging out with him? It's not fair, she gets set aside all the time. He can spend some time with his other kids and then come and spend the rest of the time with her and his new baby. I don't see why she has to please him all the time?
Sam, that was harsh and mean. I respect where you're coming from when you state your case quite often, but like MrsOckert said, your response here was uncalled for.
BH is probably one of the most understanding, caring people I know of on this site when it comes to her blended family. I've followed many of her posts about it. She's never tried to set ultimatums for her fiance, attempt to keep him from seeing his other daughters, or even withheld her own daughter from the siblings.
She has concerns and frustrations that she faces on a regular basis, just like any blended family. Heck, even like most intact, fully functional, stable families.
BH is probably one of the most understanding, caring people I know of on this site when it comes to her blended family. I've followed many of her posts about it. She's never tried to set ultimatums for her fiance, attempt to keep him from seeing his other daughters, or even withheld her own daughter from the siblings.
She has concerns and frustrations that she faces on a regular basis, just like any blended family. Heck, even like most intact, fully functional, stable families.
Sam that was really uncalled for. Baby didn't mean any of those things and you know it. I think you're having a bad day and taking your anger out on her, either that or the anger towards your ex. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time, but Baby is entitled to have some alone time with her own family without ALWAYS having the ex around and continually be compared to the ex. She was venting.
Of course it's not selfish for you to not want your husband to be surrounded by his two kids from a previous marriage!! After al he's all yours now! and since yo have a child with him he should just quit all of this bit with having time with his kids from a previous relationship!
In fact this man has tried to be so reasonable in the past why don't you just through a couple ultimatums at him! Me and your child with me or your older kids. And if doesn't go for it, just break up and withhold his daughter from him and her half siblings! After all people should not be trying to act sane around their ex, and their kids after all
For crying out loud we were given teeth and nails and yu should be using them to fight as best as you can!!!
SO FAR as women having the ultimate say? Welcome to America! We frequently give custody to women because god knows they don't chop them up, drown them, beat them, smother them, roast them... (Sorry in Illinois actually mom's have done all those things.... MOre than once.)
In fact this man has tried to be so reasonable in the past why don't you just through a couple ultimatums at him! Me and your child with me or your older kids. And if doesn't go for it, just break up and withhold his daughter from him and her half siblings! After all people should not be trying to act sane around their ex, and their kids after all
For crying out loud we were given teeth and nails and yu should be using them to fight as best as you can!!!
SO FAR as women having the ultimate say? Welcome to America! We frequently give custody to women because god knows they don't chop them up, drown them, beat them, smother them, roast them... (Sorry in Illinois actually mom's have done all those things.... MOre than once.)
((I should not be getting pissy about it now because I knew this life was a cluster-*uck when I entered it.))
That doesn't make it any easier.
((He calls it sharing his "experiences" with me,))
Wow, I would tell him that I do not want to hear about her anymore. How would he like it if you kept bringing up some past loser ? No one wants to hear about an ex all the time.
That doesn't make it any easier.
((He calls it sharing his "experiences" with me,))
Wow, I would tell him that I do not want to hear about her anymore. How would he like it if you kept bringing up some past loser ? No one wants to hear about an ex all the time.
That was sweet of you to do that for him! It's the things we do as parents like that that make our babies feel special, and I don't see anything wrong with that.. after all Santa is not real, and our kids will figure that out one day and say "thank you Daddy and Mommy for the extra effort in making us feel special that year".
His ex IS a control freak, and it get so overwhelming at times. I am constantly compared to her, and I'm just about sick of it. And I don't mean he compares me to her looks, or her job or things like that I mean he says things like this "well R did it that way and that is why we are not together", it P I S S E S me off to hear that. I can not make a decision for my daughter based on emotions because whatever I choose to do it WILL BE compared to THEIR children. He calls it sharing his "experiences" with me, I call it being controlling and not letting ME be involved in the decisions making BECAUSE of something that happened in THEIR lives.
I should not be getting pissy about it now because I knew this life was a cluster-*uck when I entered it.
His ex IS a control freak, and it get so overwhelming at times. I am constantly compared to her, and I'm just about sick of it. And I don't mean he compares me to her looks, or her job or things like that I mean he says things like this "well R did it that way and that is why we are not together", it P I S S E S me off to hear that. I can not make a decision for my daughter based on emotions because whatever I choose to do it WILL BE compared to THEIR children. He calls it sharing his "experiences" with me, I call it being controlling and not letting ME be involved in the decisions making BECAUSE of something that happened in THEIR lives.
I should not be getting pissy about it now because I knew this life was a cluster-*uck when I entered it.
It sounds like his ex is a control freak that wants to steal the whole show. How can she say when Santa comes? That reminds me of when my son was in K, I had to work on X-mas so, at school he wrote Santa and asked him if he could come early. Thank God, I read his letter in the newspaper and I talked Santa into coming early. All of his friends were so jealous, my son didn't even mind that I had to work on X-mas. Your ex needs to tell her that he will do whatever he wants when the girls are with him. No wonder he divorced her.
Your childhood with your Mom sounds like a lot of fun! Those are the kinds of memories that will last from year to year. I've always loved the traditions of doing the same things every year. I don't know, maybe that makes me boring! lol
I can certainly understand you wanting your own time with your baby and husband and not always hanging out with the exes and all their paraphernalia.
I can certainly understand you wanting your own time with your baby and husband and not always hanging out with the exes and all their paraphernalia.
I know what you mean! I never participated in Halloween as a child that I can remember. We rented movies, bought candy, and had a candy party every year with my mom... we made popcorn balls, and candy apples.. because the State Fair was always in town around the same time Halloween came around.. which we hardly ever even got to go to the Fair either.
I don't know what I will do this year with Ava.. I DO feel she is too young to stay out the full 2 or 3 hours, I think I'll just show up for a few minutes then take off.
I don't know what I will do this year with Ava.. I DO feel she is too young to stay out the full 2 or 3 hours, I think I'll just show up for a few minutes then take off.
I was just curious. I never could see the value of doing all the holiday things with babies that don't know what's going on.
But don't anyone yell at me. I don't have children of my own. I got my stepkids when they were 16 and I love them dearly.
I always enjoyed my nieces and nephew more when they were past the toddler stage.
But don't anyone yell at me. I don't have children of my own. I got my stepkids when they were 16 and I love them dearly.
I always enjoyed my nieces and nephew more when they were past the toddler stage.
I realize that I will have to share him, but I do not have to share myself and my child with his ex's entire family on Holidays.
He can split his time... he can spend part of the night with Ava, then part of the night with his older two.. and besides that, it is our weekend anyway, they will see Ava when they get home. Maybe I'll suggest that. But it's never going to be the way I want it anyway, their mother has the ultimate say in ALL holidays. Last year at Christmas we celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve morning... she FLEW OFF on him.. I mean she called him every ugly name in the book because "Santa" came to Daddy's house early. It was worth the nagging to actually see those girls faces when they woke up and Santa had came to see THEM early!! They felt soo special!
Mrs O -
Of course Ava will not be going door to door with the kids and holding out a bag. That is one of the reasons that I said I would stay home with her while he goes out with the older kids. Who wants a baby tagging along anyway. But, lik GRose said, everyone loves to see baby's dressed up.. it's cute, and fun to do.
He can split his time... he can spend part of the night with Ava, then part of the night with his older two.. and besides that, it is our weekend anyway, they will see Ava when they get home. Maybe I'll suggest that. But it's never going to be the way I want it anyway, their mother has the ultimate say in ALL holidays. Last year at Christmas we celebrated Christmas on Christmas Eve morning... she FLEW OFF on him.. I mean she called him every ugly name in the book because "Santa" came to Daddy's house early. It was worth the nagging to actually see those girls faces when they woke up and Santa had came to see THEM early!! They felt soo special!
Mrs O -
Of course Ava will not be going door to door with the kids and holding out a bag. That is one of the reasons that I said I would stay home with her while he goes out with the older kids. Who wants a baby tagging along anyway. But, lik GRose said, everyone loves to see baby's dressed up.. it's cute, and fun to do.
I have to admit, this does sound like a circus. Can you take your baby and his girls out earlier by yourselves and then let his girls go with their Mom? When you are with a man that has other children from a former relationship, you will always have to share him because he is still Dad to those other children. What do you do on other holidays?
there is nothing wrong with taking a six month old trick or treating with her sisters and cousins. BH wants to take Ava along with her SIL and sister. I took my son out on his first halloween, people love to see babies dressed up.
All of those people getting along and hanging out together is a little weird. lol. That is kind of crazy but sounds interesting. Why don't you maybe go trick-or-treating with your husband and your little one first and maybe towards the end catch up with your husbands kiddos? That way you aren't spending a good chunk of the night with all of those people.
Well, you have to admit that it's cool that everyone gets along!! Weird, but cool. If I were you, I would feel very uncomfortable going with them too. Tell your man, straight up that you don't feel comfortable with all of these exes and you just want it to be your own family especially since this is her first Halloween outing. If that doesn't work, I'd probably take my daughter, and let my man go with the exes. That's just me though, that's what I'd do.
Have you had an honest heart to heart with your man about all of this?
Have you had an honest heart to heart with your man about all of this?
The thought of going through it again makes me almost angry. I just want to have a good time with my daughter, and if I can't then I'll just do as my mom did and keep my daughter home and shower her with Mommy love, candy, and a couple of really good movies. We can still dress up too. It was a free-for-all last year with kids running EVERYWHERE, it was a game to see who could get to the most houses... that does not seem enjoyable to Ava. I think she'll be too young anyway...and at this point I need to be the one who decides for her, and when she is old enough she can decide what she would like to do. Call me a brat, but I just can't stomach walking around 2 or 3 hours listening to his ex talk about herself, and her mother talk about herself, and her sister's stupid laugh.. while the kids run around screaming.
I wouldn't want to go with his ex and her family if I were you. That's silly.
Do your neighborhoods have trick or treating the same day. If not why cant your fiance's kids go with their Mom in her neighborhood and his Dad in your neighborhood. Otherwise, if trick or treating is the same day can the kids do half the time in each neighborhood? TorTing is usually a few hours, you could work it out.
Do your neighborhoods have trick or treating the same day. If not why cant your fiance's kids go with their Mom in her neighborhood and his Dad in your neighborhood. Otherwise, if trick or treating is the same day can the kids do half the time in each neighborhood? TorTing is usually a few hours, you could work it out.
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