Help, I feel sick

[Boogie8481]

Hello, its me again.  Remember how I couldn't get passed the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend by kissing a girl?  Well he and I were talking about it last night and I have come to the conclusion/remember (because its been 6 years since its happened) that I actually liked it.  I thought for so long that I hadn't liked it.  The thing is, it wasn't a very good kiss.  The only things I liked about it was that I had never kissed a girl and I had experienced that, and the excitement of that, and a possible threesome.  Well now that I realize this, I just feel so sick, and anxious.  Like I just went to breakfast and I feel like I am going to puke and I feel really sad and scared....anxious.  I feel worse knowing that I liked it because I was unfaithful to my boyfriend and I just feel so terrible about this.  I loved him and still do very much, and I still don't understand how I could just do something so awful on impulse.  I mean, I wasn't planning it; I just grabbed her and kissed her.  I just don't know how I am supposed to understand how my stupidity in the whole thing.  My boyfriend said if I just would have told him it happened back then, he wouldn't feel so decieved and lied to.  He is right you know.  I shouldn't have kept this from him.  Well now I really am paying for it.  How can I deal with this?  Any ideas?  He said if I don't finish dealing with this, he will leave me because he is tired of me always feeling guilty about this.  Any ideas?

[Judy246]

Accepting what you can't change and learn from your mistakes. We are human and there is no way anyone can ever say they did not make a mistake that hurt someone. You take it one day at a time and if you keep looking back at the past, you can't see the future ahead. Hearts heal with love, so be kind to him and show him how much you love him. He knows you are sorry, but if you can't get pass this, then it's time to seek a couselor, a priest is trained to deal with these issues also, but don't it's over with, so don't dwell on it. From this point on surround yourself with good your b/f, good friends, family and a healthy productive environment and you will florish. To be human is to be imperfect and make mistakes, but it's over, so go about your normal life, one day at a time.

[megochick101]

I would suggest going into individual counseling to help you figure out why it is so hard for you to let this go. Mami and Judy are right, he forgave you and he wants to move on it's time for you to forgive yourself and move on. A therapist may help you with that.

[Boogie8481]

That's the problem.  I just don't know how to move on from making this horrible mistake.  I want to move forward, but I don't know how.  Would you are anyone else have any suggestions on how to put that behind you?  I mean he IS a wonderful man, and we were so young when we got together and have grown together, and I have done this awful thing and broke his heart and messed up our relationship.  I just feel awful.  How do I put all that behind me?

[Judy246]

I agree 100% with Mami. You have accepted that you made a mistake and your b/f want's this behind him .It's time for you to forgive yourself. You did confess it and their is nothing to hide any longer. Forgive yourself, he is will to forgive you, so it's time to put it behind you and not bring it up anymore.  You have a great guy who forgave you and it takes a special person to forgive. Now, forgive yourself and move forward in your relationship and show him that how much he truly means to you...move forward.

[Boogie8481]

Thanks.  Yes, I do want to be with him.  He wanted a threesome for a long time and she was the only bisexual girl I knew, but before I had kissed her, I was thinking of pulling her aside and asking her, but instead I just grabbed her and pushed her into the restroom at my work and made out with her.  I DID enjoy being with a woman, but its just a sexual curiousity thing.  I want to marry a man, the one I am with, I want to be with him forever, and I don't know how I let myself do such an awful thing to such a wonderful person.  It did hurt when he asked me to have a threesome, but I agreed after a couple of years, so its my fault, I can't really blame him.  He said if I would have just told him what happened, he would have felt left out but not lied to and betrayed for 5 years.  I just couldn't tell him.  Then the guilt got to me once we moved out on our own.  I had to tell him, but it took time.  I even lied about how it happened at first, then finally 2 years ago, I told him the whole story.  Now I can't let go of it.  We talked about it and I really do believe that the reason I can't let it go is because I liked it, and I can't understand how me, a person who is deeply in love with someone for so long (it had been 7 years at the time), can just do this.

[mami1323]

You need to come to terms with your guilty feelings at some point.  Your boyfriend obviously wants to move forward with you and is willing to forgive you at some point you need to forgive yourself.  You made a mistake, you feel regretful and remorseful and now instead of focusing on your feelings of guilt and more on making your relationship work.  Unless of course you would rather be with a female and not your boyfriend and those are your true feelings.  You need to figure out what it is that you want.