Am I in the wrong?

[ajhus]

I know this may seem just silly, but it's really hurting my relationship with my boyfriend over the last few months and I am looking for any kind of advice.  Promises are important to my boyfriend and I, although in this situation I think he should be able to understand where I'm coming from. Let me explain the situation...
Some days we will tease each other and talk about having sex later on that same day. Because we don't have sex very often due to class and work schedules, my boyfriend will sometimes ask if I promise that we will have sex later on that day. If I'm really in the mood or something from the teasing or whatever, I'm usually (not always) going to say "Yes I promise", because I want to later on.
However, there have been several times where later on in the same day I will not want to. Whether it's because I'm enjoying the cuddling and watching a movie with him, or just the lack of time, or just that the mood is gone and I don't want to. Now, I know that I promised to have sex, and I always feel bad that I'm breaking that promise because of the above reasons, but I think on some level he should be able to accept that. It's not like we never have sex, nor like I always do this (although it has happened more often because of this fighting). But his response to me not wanting to have sex later on is always something like "Well you promised, sooo we better." And it always leads to a fight.
I understand that he's upset that I promised and that I'm breaking that promise. But if I really don't want to have sex, neither one of us is going to enjoy sex if we go at it. So I think he should respect my wishes...
I would like to hear others' thoughts on this if you have any, thank you!

[ajhus]

Thank you again for the advice!  I really like reading all the takes and comments on this, although I agree with almost everything.
I will be confronting him on this very soon, and it just has to change or I am done.
To the whole time of sex concern, we have gone to a professional with this when we both went in to get tested for std's and sti's. They found it to be completly normal for him and said we shouldn't worry. But to your point, yes, it can get very boring and tiresome.
But thank you all again! I believe I got the reassurance I needed to be able to confront him more directly with my beliefs on this!

[AnnieBrooke]

Yeah, I am also thinking along the lines that if a guy has to go for 45 minutes to an hour (not foreplay just the action itself) and gets limp if lubrication has to be applied in the middle, then a) his partner might get bored or find sex tiresome and b) he might sense this and be insecure.  Maybe all the yelling about the promise to have sex is really him reacting to you backing away from a dull event, and getting offended or anxious about that.  Maybe you have bigger things to talk about than whether you promised and didn't come through.

[RockRose]

Hmmm ajhus.  It seems like he has some kind of mild sexual dysfunction.  I he on antidepressants or other medication that would make him have such difficulty having sex?

A healthy 19 year old man should be able to complete the act in about 30 seconds if he wanted to - an hour is extreme.  I just can't imagine routinely having sex for an hour.  At some point,  it's just dreadfully boring.  : (  

So I kind of want to change what I said earlier.   Is he purposely trying to take so long,  or is this what it takes for him,  do you know?  

When I said oh just do it and get it over with,  I was imagining a man who was completely ready to go,  and didn't require the effort on your part to complete this.

Sometimes,  couples just aren't compatible.  

[mami1323]

I have to agree with RockRose.  Men like sex, it's how they are wired.  Men spend their days thinking about it and wanting it and well, us women can go days without the desire.  Not because we don't like sex but it's just not the most important thing to us.  I am like you, I flirt via text message with my husband and feel all excited to have sex but by the end of the day, I would rather go to sleep.  He on the other hand has had his hopes up all day, anticipating the sex we will be having and then to be disappointed is very frustrating for him.  We've had similar arguments and we're in our 30's.  I sometimes just do it, just to satisfy him.  I'm sure he would rather me be more into it but hey it is what it is.  I would rather him want it with me than with someone else.  Sometimes you just have to mentally prepare yourself for it.  Visualize an enjoyable moment and get excited.  Or get dressed up in some cute lingerie, it may make you more in the mood.  But to fight over it will cause more problems than there needs to be.  I also want to add, by you not wanting to have sex, he personalizes it and probably feels as if you don't desire him.  That will really crush a man's ego.  He will think there is something unattractive about him and that leaves an opening for another woman who will know how to stroke his ego.  Good luck and hope it all works out.

[AnnieBrooke]

When I was in college, the guys would hit you with "Aha!  You just aren't liberated!" if they wanted sex and you didn't want to have it.  They were not at all concerned with the political freedom of their women friends, they just had figured out that it was a good way to manipulate said female friend into having sex.  It often worked, too.  Don't let yourself be browbeaten.  When he says accusingly, "Oh that means for sure 'No,'" why rise to the bait?  Just say, "Guess so.  See you tomorrow."  He is being a manipulator (maybe out of insecurity about his sexual abilities, if your description of your sex life is accurate) and as Londres says, he's acting kind of like a little kid.

[Londres70]

Hmmmm.  Strange how he started acting this way 3-4 months ago.  Just weird he is wanting you to promise sex.  He sounds like a kid with his mother or father asking her/him to promise to buy or do something for her/him.    

If he is "not getting it" after the above suggestion of "bluntly" telling him how you feel when he asks for these "promises" I would just cut my losses and move on and perhaps you will find someone who is being more mature about all this.  I just think this is downright silly of him.  

As you stated, you all are having adequate time together, so I just don't see why he is doing this. It isn't like you all AREN'T having sex.  I am not sure if something happened to him and he is not telling you or what.

Can't imagine it is easy fitting all this in plus school and work.  
        

[sweetpea03]

Honestly, I would just be blunt about it, saying that he is acting in an immature way by saying what he does. You shouldn't have to promise him sex for later, as it's an odd thing to do to begin with and manipulative. As for what rockrose said, yes you may not always feel like it and do it anyways, but you shouldn't be doing that all of the time. If I don't feel like having sex, I typically won't and my fiance is fine with that. As for the age thing, your profile says you are 19, so I was going off of that when I previously posted.

[ajhus]

Thanks again to all!
I'm 20, he is 19. We have been dating for almost two years . (Just in case anyone still wanted to know).
It's not a matter of us never doing it, because we do have sex. Though with college and work (we are unable to support living on our own), we might only see each other once or twice a week. With him, sex usually last about 45min to an hour. And that's not counting any make-out, foreplay, or build up of any kind. He rarely does any of that though.
And me not wanting it as often now is due to the fact that we fight so much about it.
But to your point RockRose, about women feeling that they have to want sex in order to give it, I think is actually more accurate on how it has to be. I took a sexual identity course my freshman year in college, and we went through hundreds of studies that disprove misconceptions about sex and such, and many women found it hard to engage in sex if they didn't want it themselves.  I can fake my interest in sex when we start getting into it so that he gets hard, but I can't make myself or stay wet if I'm truely not wanting the sex at the moment. It's almost impossible to have sex unless I'm completly wet, otherwise it hurts. And yes, we've tried many types of lubrications and such, and either they don't last long enough (and stopping to put more on just makes him go limp) or I am allergic to them (I am also allergic to latex).
I guess my question has turned into "How do I get the point that his promise idea is immature across to him better? Because I have been trying to for some time now, but he doesn't seem to get it."
I continuously don't promise any more, but he always says "Oh that means for sure 'No'". It doesn't, I just don't know how I'll feel later, but he doesn't seem to understand it.
We haven't ever had problems like this until maybe three-four months ago. We've always been very open with what we want out of sex and what we want to try. I haven't been able to pick out anything that happened or was said to make it change, but it has. I'm just not sure how many more ways there are to try and show him why it's childish to have me promise, but I'd really like to save this relationship if I can.
Thank you!

[AnnieBrooke]

RockRose brings out the realistic point that to preserve a relationship, sometimes it's not a bad idea to have sex even if not particularly interested at that moment.  But this is not a married couple with an overworked but greatful wife who wants to make sure her husband stays happy.  I was reacting to the spurious-sounding nature of the whole argument about "promising."  If promises are so important to this guy and he's really mad about her promising and not coming forth, why is he saying "Aha!  If you don't promise, that means you don't want sex!!!"  (At that point, who WOULD want sex with this manipulator.)  Why should a teenager who is not married to, being supported by, nor obligated to, some guy be made to feel guilty if he "accuses" her of not wanting to have sex with him later in the day?  I'd be out of that relationship so fast.

One of the first things my husband said to me when we were dating was on this same topic.  I hesitantly mentioned that although the sex was fine, he seemed to want to hop in the sack all the time, sometimes I didn't feel like it at the same moment he did.  He said immediately, "No problem.  Both names have to be on the check."  

[RockRose]

I guess I have a little different opinion than everyone else.  

If you keep refusing to give him sex,  you'll lose him.  Boyfriends don't usually hang around if they aren't ever getting any.  If you want to keep him,  you'll need to stop refusing always to have sex with him.  That's just the way relationships work - he needs sex,  if you never give it to him,  he'll be gone after awhile.

I don't know why in the last 50 years or so,  women have decided they have to want to have sex to offer it to the man they love.  When you have a baby,  I'm telling you,  you will NOT want to get up for the 3 am feeding but you do it anyway for love.  I really do not want to fix dinner sometimes,  but I cheerfully do it.  I sure as heck don't want to take my kid to soccer and then stand there in the heat and watch their team lose,  but you couldn't guess that by looking at me.

Do you realize how much more time you're wasting thinking of ways to refuse him than if you just went ahead and had sex?  That takes like,  15 minutes.  How much time are you spending putting him off?

[sweetpea03]

Meant to say 19, I can't type, but the same applies...

[sweetpea03]

Is your boyfriend the same age as you? 17 is young and his wanting you to promise him for sex later on is really immature. Don't ever promise him for sex later in the day or anything else like that, because you don't know how you'll feel later that day. If you don't feel in the mood, then he needs to respect that and not push you for sex. Though at his age, his brain is just thinking about sex, which is why he is truly upset(not about broken promises). I think Annie gave you a good way to turn down the pressuring of promises, as to say: "Sorry, can't promise", smile, and just leave it at that. Don't try to explain yourself and argue back to him about any reason for why you don't want to promise. If he keeps bugging you, change the subject to something else. But just don't promise him for things like that.  

[ajhus]

Thank you for advice!
I have tried the not promising several times, he does pick a fight over that.
When I say no to promising, he just keeps asking for me to promise, and eventually says something along the lines of "Then you don't want to have sex later, I knew you were trying to get out of it".
I agree that it's childish, and I've tried to confront him with this. He refuses to see it that way.
So the promising is stopping completly. And I think I'll just have to find a better way to confront him about this, because always fighting about it is why I don't want to have sex anymore.
Thank you again!

[ANewLife4Me]

I agree with the very first sentence in AnnieBrooke's reply.  Also, I just don't see how you can promise anybody to feel a certain way at a certain time.  I'm not sure how to put this, but I wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who has to have sex with me just because they promised, but really weren't aroused, into it, or wanted to hurry through it, just to keep their promise.  I think he should respect your wishes and I wouldn't promise anymore.

[Londres70]

"Promising sex?"  Sounds a bit odd.  How old is this bf?  Sounds a bit immature to be fighting over this in my opinion.  Sounds childish.  If you all are busy with school and work and still able to fit in time together I really don't know what the problem is.  Plus, sex can't be the center of everything.

I would agree with the above poster and NOT promise him this.  

Yes, he shoud respect your wishes and realize this is ridiculous.  

[AnnieBrooke]

He's not upset that you promised, he's upset that he doesn't get to have sex.  Don't ever promise, earlier in a day, to have sex later that day.  It's a b.s. game he's playing and the pretense that he is mad because you are breaking your word is part of the whole fake manipulation.  If he says "Will you promise to have sex with me later today?" just say, "Sorry, can't promise," and smile.  If he wants to pick a fight with you over that, just tell him without smiling that you are tired of being manipulated.

I'll bet that if you promised to go with him to your mother's for dinner on Sunday, and he didn't really care about it much and then you changed your mind, he would not give you a lot of static for "breaking a promise."