how do i overcome jealously fits and anxiety

[antnic]

My fiance and I have been together for 3 years now. We have been engaged for a year. I am in the military and have been away most of our relationship. When we first started dating everything was perfect, we didnt fight at all. Then i left for the military and we had to battle the long distance relationship. Everything was still going great until I came home in the middle of my deployment. We were down the shore with some friends playing a game when i found out during her college years before we even knew each other she had a threesome with two other guys. She did admit that they did not have sex. I also found out how many people she had slept with. This was all before we met and yet it still bothered me. I saw her as the person i knew and would have never believed she would have been like that. That started out first fight. We were fine later that night and everything went back to normal between us. A while later I started to look at photos on facebook of her while i was away. I found some pictures of her dancing close with a guy when i first left for the army. i got upset and asked her about it and she said nothing happened. she said it was just a friend. We talk about everything. I dont hold anything back with her. When i am upset i let her know. I continue to dig and look at pictures from the past to find if she ever cheated on me. I dont understand why i do this to myself and our relationship. I love my fiance with all my heart and i know i am messing things up. She hangs out with my bestfriends all the time and my brothers. I know if she was everything doing anything they would let me know. Even when she goes out with them i get jealous and wonder if anything is happening. This is getting worse and i know i need help or else im going to push her away to the point that she is going to leave me. She is a very friendly person. She can get a long with anyone which is one reason i fell for her. I just get worried that while i am away she is acting like that and someone else who doesnt know her might take it as flirting and im worried that something could happen. I love my father, but i dont want to be the same way he is with my mother. I feel like there is no passion with them and i feel like my mom is afriad of my dad. I do not want to be that guy with my fiance. I told her since we met to always be open with me and tell me how u feel. I honestly do trust her and i know she has changed. i do know she would never do anything. i just dont understand when i tell her to go out and have fun i end up getting worried and it turns into a fight because im jealous. This is not the first relationship i have done this with either. I know i have a problem and need help. Just need to let it out and see if anyone has any suggestions on why this is happening and how to overcome it  

[Londres70]

"I love my father, but i dont want to be the same way he is with my mother. I feel like there is no passion with them and i feel like my mom is afriad of my dad. I do not want to be that guy with my fiance."

"This is not the first relationship i have done this with either."  

Well.....I really don't think it would have made a difference if your fiancée didn't or did have a past.  This is an issue stemming totally from YOU.  I will give you kudos for realizing that this is your issue, not your fiancée's.  You might be repeating patterns from your parents' relationship.  

What to do?  Well.....this should really be explored with a professional relationship therapist who would have the time to dialogue with you and get to the root of this problem and give you the tools to overcome this.  

[AnnieBrooke]

1.  Face it, everyone has some kind of romantic past.  Probably even you.

2.  When a person is not entirely secure in himself, it is quite likely that he will be attracted to someone more outgoing who has a lot of confidence.  But that lack of self-certainty will also carry the seed of his feeling insecure when the partner keeps being the person he was attracted to -- i.e., acting outgoing and friendly.  

The thing to talk to her about is not whether she has misbehaved -- she hasn't.  Talk to her instead about how she handles it if some guy takes her friendliness as more than she meant it.  I would bet you a hundred bucks that she is readily able to suppress such pretensions --  she wouldn't be female in our society if she didn't know how to blow off someone's too-friendly advances.  Then, after that talk (which will unfortunately not make you look concerned and protective, but instead insulting and needy) you simply absolutely have to believe her.  She doesn't sound like she is stringing you along, she is hanging with people you know and doing things in a very transparent way.  She sounds like the same person she has been since you met.    

[TTinKKerBBell]

If You feel distrust of this Girl - it will never be good for You OR Her.  If You cannot trust Her - You only do Her AND YourSelf justice by moving on.

You CANNOT have a GOOD relationship with a Girl You do not trust!!   You will spend all Your time beating "up" on Her OR beating" "up" on YourSelf!!   If the "trust issue" is YOUR "hangup" and has nothing to do with HER behavior then You need personal, one on one, therapy to address Your own trust issues within YourSelf.

My first husband cheated on me for 15 YEARS with "friends(?)", relatives, and ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that wore a skirt AND/OR had a heartbeat!!  (as in - he wasn't in the LEAST particular - I could not tell You how many affairs He must have had besides the NUMEROUS ones I knew about!!  I'm trying to make You understand and realize that this Man(?)'s cheating was in the EXTREME!!  Never the less, and in spite of his unfaithfulness - I have never for one Moment been insecure about the Morals, Standards or Behaviors of the Man I've been married to for the last 28 YEARS!!  What I am trying to say to You is that:  jealousy and insecurity EITHER lies with the unsavory person who is doing those things OR it lies within You!!  You can't have it both ways.  You should either walk away because SHE is untrustworthy OR if She IS a Good, Faithful, Trustful Person, well then, the trust "issue" is Yours and You need to work on YOUR issues.
If it IS truely Her then for Your own sake - You MUST Move on.
Good Luck!!

[Life360_Dave]

Well as far as her past goes thats really not part of now as yourself have had sex with others prior to her correct? Just think of it that way and should relieve your anxiety as fare is fare right?
Her hanging out with your friends while you active is most likely comforting to her as makes her feel like your still around. They are the closest thing to you.
I think your frustration in part is that you are away from her and not knowing leads to suspicion. Maybe you should move up your wedding date as her being your wife will lead to more security on your part.
Remember jealousy is a terrible thing as is in some ways despotic.
As far as your dad and mom, dont judge them as they have created their lives together and have formed habit lifestyles that are content. This habit life style happens to most of us and most likely will happen to you. There is no perfect relationship.