Husband cheated - please help

[justme779]

I feel like I am living a nightmare!!!! Last week I read about a massage parlor question and if that girls husband or whatever is getting just a hand job she is lucky. I knew my husband used to go to those places but Friday night I found out he went again - yeah it was a hand job (BAD ENOUGH!!!) but we FINALLY laid all our cards out on the table. He has gotten a hand job about 24 times in the 4 years we are married - but it gets worse. When we were first married he got the whole package three times. He said that he felt that was wrong and stopped and then he took the hand package. He again stopped that for the most part but went the other night because he was stressed about losing his job. He wanted to tell me everything and start all over - infact he wants to renew our vows. He also swears to never go again and will make sure I know he does not by making me control his $$ and he'll check in at all times on the way home. Besides that we talked about why he went in the first place. (1) He really wanted a good massage and one thing led to another (NO EXCUSE)- so he asked that now only I give him a massage, (2) He felt alone as I am often busy - so he hired me a maid, joined me up for his gym and wants us to do things together - even going away to sporting events with his friends. He'll hang with them to do the sport but then we'll stay in our own hotel and have our nights and (3) the sex got boring - he asked that we talk about what we both want to spice it up. He also said that he never once kissed or did anything with a girl as he never wanted another relationship - it was only quick fun. He is not kidding himself - he knows he was 100% wrong and is blaming no one. FINALLY the question - do I give him another shot with all these changes and believe he can be good or do I leave him??? I never minded his porn and I did not like his website browsing which he stopped - but this has me feeling empty. Does it matter that it is he who told me everything  - not sure.

[kris123]

I agree with rockrose and anx - I would leave.  27 times is a lot.  It is cheating to me and that mean he cheated on you 27 times - only what I think.  What a butthole and gross - that is just nasty to let some woman you don't know give you a hand job - not to metion how many other hand jobs she gave during one day - what the hell kind of business is that.  I know it is easier said then done - to tell someone to just leave - it took me months to leave a drug user.  Now that I'm gone - I'm so so happy and my thoughts on him - he is gross.  Just try to think of how gross it is.  I just dont' understand why a man would do this in the first place.

[misscloey]

You know, waiting with hope you are absolutely correct!! My husband and I got involved in meth use in California for a period of several years. Everyone there does it, everyone we knew did it (and still does). He had an addictive relationship with it, to where I could do it occassionally and let it go. (still not good at all!) Our marriage and family needless to say has always been very strong but this really put serious strain on us. I wanted him to quit-completely. We pretty much lost every material possession we had. When we were at our lowest point in our marriage and in our lives we decided that the only way for him to overcome this was to move far far away. We moved back to Texas where he is from. We stayed strong and rebuilt our lives. We are now both very successful and have overcome financially and emotionally from this period in our lives.I did not want to move from my home, family and friends but I had no choice if I wanted to save my family from total destruction. It is the best sacrifice I have ever made in my life. People throw marriages away like a dirty diaper these days. There will be hard times with the wonderful ones, whether it is drugs, alcohol, gambling issues, or infidelities. A marriage is a bond between two people and God. He will watch over you and your marriage if you put the time and effort into making it last. When times get really hard and you want to give up, remeber that the grass is not always greener on the other side. If you were in love enough and committed to this person enough to vow your life to him/her then you need to honor that vow and exhaust every avenue before deciding to give up. I am very proud that we have overcome such a difficult dilema and believe it has only strengthened our marriage. I now feel like we can overcome ANYTHING that is put before us. Hang in there!      

[waitingwithhope]

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If he wants to change, then his actions will speak that. You need to see a pattern of behavior and build trust again. Maybe if you separate for a time and he can show you a positive and healthy pattern of behavior, with some individual and couples counseling, he could change. Just know that his habits are as addicting as drugs. In other words, he has to completely turn from it or he will get sucked back in eventually to feed that craving. Drug rehabilitation (analogy) is a long process with setbacks. If you are willing to be with him throughout it, then make sure you are going in it with your eyes open and that you never compromise your own self-worth or self-esteem.

[freakin-natural]

Guys, i guess this barnie is trying to mess us up.  She keeps saying the Valium thing and even calling names.  Is that what a person who wants to help or just wanna **** other people?  Well, i guess she does wanna **** people.  She had a lot of arguements with other people.  She's bashing those who don't even wanna argue. Not good for these board, coz she might just or we might just end up arguing if she's in.

[misscloey]

Ok I must admit I did not read all of your postings before replying and now that I have I would like to say something else to you. I feel like what you have said about the conversations with him that he really does love you, but has been misguided about marriage from the get go. I can understand how guys think and especially a group of friends who have pretty much grown up together. He was doing all of these things to "go along " with the guys, knowing full well that it was wrong. I truly believe he is sorry and wants to change. My only worry is that he actually will. I do believe that with a strong friendship and a loving spouse anything can be worked out. You made vows to each other and in them was included "for better or worse" this is definitely as bad as it gets. But, if you feel in your heart that you both can move on together and put this behind you and make a better marriage for yourselves then I feel like you should. At this point what have you got to lose? If you walk away because you are angry and hurt at this moment you may be throwing away the marriage that should have been.(and coud still be) Just take one day at a time and talk to each other. One more thing, I do not feel like you should share this with people you know. People who are emotionally involved with you (friends, parents, co workers) cannot see both sides of the story. They will most likely be as angry as you are and give you bad advice. Keep posting on the boards and take in what you read, but decide together what is best for your family. God Bless.  

[misscloey]

I feel for you. You must be so sad and confused. I cannot imagine how bad you must hurt over this. There is absolutely nothing worse than being betrayed. I understand that he came clean, but if he never did anything wrong there would be no reason to come clean!!! As far as I am concerned once the trust and respect are gone, there is nothing left. It will NEVER be the same again even if you do decide to forgive him. I will be the first to say try everything to save your marriage. But cheating is the ultimate sin as far as I am concerned. That shows complete selfishness on his part and total lack of love and respect for you. I cannot tell you what you should do, you will have to figure it out for yourself. I wish I could say or do something to help you, but I dont know what to say except if you feel like you can forgive him and trust him again then you should at least try. I personally don't know that I could ever get over it. You should not have to babysit your husband and track his every move, what kind of relationship is that? Like I said, without respect and trust it simply cant' be a healthy happy marriage! Best of luck to you, maybe you should pray about it. If he did it one time in a drunken stupor (still inexcusable) and everything else about your marriage was happy ie...sex, communication, friendship then I could see trying some counseling and working on forgiving. His behavior was a little excessive in my book. How do you know that the next time he is "stressed" he wont go back? Good luck!