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Husband cheated - please help
I feel like I am living a nightmare!!!! Last week I read about a massage parlor question and if that girls husband or whatever is getting just a hand job she is lucky. I knew my husband used to go to those places but Friday night I found out he went again - yeah it was a hand job (BAD ENOUGH!!!) but we FINALLY laid all our cards out on the table. He has gotten a hand job about 24 times in the 4 years we are married - but it gets worse. When we were first married he got the whole package three times. He said that he felt that was wrong and stopped and then he took the hand package. He again stopped that for the most part but went the other night because he was stressed about losing his job. He wanted to tell me everything and start all over - infact he wants to renew our vows. He also swears to never go again and will make sure I know he does not by making me control his $$ and he'll check in at all times on the way home. Besides that we talked about why he went in the first place. (1) He really wanted a good massage and one thing led to another (NO EXCUSE)- so he asked that now only I give him a massage, (2) He felt alone as I am often busy - so he hired me a maid, joined me up for his gym and wants us to do things together - even going away to sporting events with his friends. He'll hang with them to do the sport but then we'll stay in our own hotel and have our nights and (3) the sex got boring - he asked that we talk about what we both want to spice it up. He also said that he never once kissed or did anything with a girl as he never wanted another relationship - it was only quick fun. He is not kidding himself - he knows he was 100% wrong and is blaming no one. FINALLY the question - do I give him another shot with all these changes and believe he can be good or do I leave him??? I never minded his porn and I did not like his website browsing which he stopped - but this has me feeling empty. Does it matter that it is he who told me everything - not sure.
whoow.... look whos talking, maggot-breath... just do your thing , our suggestions and comments vary.. that's why its a free world here.. ok, am sorry i freaked out.. but taking an advice of taking a valium for myself, whoow you must be an addict my friend.. those kicking would be indeed necessary. ok, im done my bad.. next time we collide, ill make sure your barn's burn.. lo.. nah, kiddin.. have a nice day maam...
Hey justme, I am so happy to help!!! Post anytime :)
I know a lot of posters have given you advice to leave, but I think it's too EASY to run away when problems like these come up. These are real life problems that happen, and we can't just remedy everything by leaving our partner. Especially in your situation where it sounds like you do already have a foundation of love and respect with your husband. People do screw up (lol, check out the abortion thread and the debate on that!) Sometimes we are stuck in a situation without the tools we could have used to make a better decision.
Definitely still go for counselling, but it sounds like your relationship with your husband is undergoing a lot of positive changes :)
I know a lot of posters have given you advice to leave, but I think it's too EASY to run away when problems like these come up. These are real life problems that happen, and we can't just remedy everything by leaving our partner. Especially in your situation where it sounds like you do already have a foundation of love and respect with your husband. People do screw up (lol, check out the abortion thread and the debate on that!) Sometimes we are stuck in a situation without the tools we could have used to make a better decision.
Definitely still go for counselling, but it sounds like your relationship with your husband is undergoing a lot of positive changes :)
Oh my God - that too is so true. When they see my husband do something sweet they say "You have to show hand in the relationship!" or something like that. And he said they were recently bashing him that he is going to pay my daughters college with me - apparently they think that is my responsibility - not his problem and he should straighten that out right away. They can not understand why we keep everything joint.
Thank you for taking so much time out to talk to me. You made me feel so much better.
Thank you for taking so much time out to talk to me. You made me feel so much better.
I also wanted to add that with my ex it was like he developed a double personality. I could tell when he had been talking to "the guys" because it was like he was somebody I didn't even know. I wonder if you had a chance to see your husband alone with these guys, he'd probably be wearing a mask and acting macho just to fit in. It sounds like he's been under a lot of pressure you weren't even aware of.
If you two can work through this, think of how it will make those other men feel. If they're all scared about what would happen if THEIR wives found out, I'll bet they'll feel pretty small to see that your husband has a REAL relationship with his wife that (until they come forth with honesty) they'll never really have with their wives. They might make fun of your husband for not going to the massage parlor anymore, but your husband will be a lot more relaxed feeling like he's not living a double life. Good luck, justme.
If you two can work through this, think of how it will make those other men feel. If they're all scared about what would happen if THEIR wives found out, I'll bet they'll feel pretty small to see that your husband has a REAL relationship with his wife that (until they come forth with honesty) they'll never really have with their wives. They might make fun of your husband for not going to the massage parlor anymore, but your husband will be a lot more relaxed feeling like he's not living a double life. Good luck, justme.
That's a really good sign. I bet he's been wanting to say these things to "the guys" for a long time.
If my own story is any insight, I had an ex who cheated on me while we were long distance. He was working in a very testosterone-charged envrionment at the time, and he wasn't a particularly aggressive person himself. One of his many excuses was "you don't know what it's like to be working here", suggesting that pressure from the guys contributed to his decision to cheat. I also got a taste of the influence of those guys friends myself during the breakup, where they called me all sorts of filthy names and would not let me talk to him on the phone, saying they'd deal with "this crazy b****" and things like that. In these situations, you really think about how (other) men can be a**holes.
I certainly could not agree with his choices, but it did make me think about how would I feel if I were in that environment everyday.
Hang in there, justme!!! Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you and your husband are on a good road.
If my own story is any insight, I had an ex who cheated on me while we were long distance. He was working in a very testosterone-charged envrionment at the time, and he wasn't a particularly aggressive person himself. One of his many excuses was "you don't know what it's like to be working here", suggesting that pressure from the guys contributed to his decision to cheat. I also got a taste of the influence of those guys friends myself during the breakup, where they called me all sorts of filthy names and would not let me talk to him on the phone, saying they'd deal with "this crazy b****" and things like that. In these situations, you really think about how (other) men can be a**holes.
I certainly could not agree with his choices, but it did make me think about how would I feel if I were in that environment everyday.
Hang in there, justme!!! Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you and your husband are on a good road.
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