Husband cheated - please help

[justme779]

I feel like I am living a nightmare!!!! Last week I read about a massage parlor question and if that girls husband or whatever is getting just a hand job she is lucky. I knew my husband used to go to those places but Friday night I found out he went again - yeah it was a hand job (BAD ENOUGH!!!) but we FINALLY laid all our cards out on the table. He has gotten a hand job about 24 times in the 4 years we are married - but it gets worse. When we were first married he got the whole package three times. He said that he felt that was wrong and stopped and then he took the hand package. He again stopped that for the most part but went the other night because he was stressed about losing his job. He wanted to tell me everything and start all over - infact he wants to renew our vows. He also swears to never go again and will make sure I know he does not by making me control his $$ and he'll check in at all times on the way home. Besides that we talked about why he went in the first place. (1) He really wanted a good massage and one thing led to another (NO EXCUSE)- so he asked that now only I give him a massage, (2) He felt alone as I am often busy - so he hired me a maid, joined me up for his gym and wants us to do things together - even going away to sporting events with his friends. He'll hang with them to do the sport but then we'll stay in our own hotel and have our nights and (3) the sex got boring - he asked that we talk about what we both want to spice it up. He also said that he never once kissed or did anything with a girl as he never wanted another relationship - it was only quick fun. He is not kidding himself - he knows he was 100% wrong and is blaming no one. FINALLY the question - do I give him another shot with all these changes and believe he can be good or do I leave him??? I never minded his porn and I did not like his website browsing which he stopped - but this has me feeling empty. Does it matter that it is he who told me everything  - not sure.

[RockRose]

I agree with Anxious,  I personally would leave him,  too.  But again,  this is totally your choice and your life,  and you can do whatever makes you feel the best.  I would DEFINITELY not have any children with him,  because I think the odds are overwhelming that he will go back to cheating at some point and then you'd be left hanging with a dependent child.

Best wishes.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I personally would leave him....

He has beeen cheating on you for years and having sex with others puts your health and indeed your very life at risk.

And he is paying for sex, thereby objectifying women and helping support an industry that is rife with violence and abuse.

Saying you are "too busy" and "the sex got boring" is in essence blaming you.  He is not taking responsibility, he is fast talking you into believing you are to blame because he is a bad man.

What a jerk......

You deserve better.

[BearHitch]

There are things that barn babe said and pertykitty that I agree with.  First, it doesn't sound as if he trusts himself- is he trying to convince himself he can by giving you so much control?  Also, that is a lot of times going with not telling you.  Within 4 years of marriage, I would expect him feeling like you're too busy for him and those things to surface- instead of communicating with you, he finds it elsewhere.  And this all started at the beginning of marriage.  While you could do marriage counseling and all of that, I wouldn't be surprised if there was more he didn't lay out, and from the sounds of your post, I wouldn't be surprised if you could never fully trust him or forgive him.  You'll always be wondering.  That's no way to live.  He had his chance and betrayed you- what was it, 27 times in 4 years and its just now coming up and ONLY because he was caught?  I have to agree there isn't much hope for this marriage- I personally think you deserve better than this!

[pertykitty]

you a pacifist with your anger and namecalling? interesting self image you have.

[justme779]

I started reading responses but have to leave for work .... I'll be reading from there - BUT you hit on something that I said to him ... I can not and will not police you. He feels that he knows he will not do it again - he said that talking so much and seeing the pain it caused has made it that he could never do it again. He thinks though that I may not be able to trust and wants to offer anything I need to trust. And we agree we can not do everything - he just feels though that he wants me to know that anything I want to be a part of - I am. No more "guy" trips - now it's our marriage first and we as a couple join others. Okay I am off to work... I was NOT debating waht you said - just adding things. I was crying so hard last night that I really did not know where to begin or what to include. It was so hard summarizing it all on one input screen. I wished you could just all come over and talk around the table. Again I'll be reading all the future posts and I thank you all - right now it is amazing but just knowing you are all out here helps. I need someone to talk to and I am too embarrassed to talk to friends. He can not understand why I am embarrassed as he says I am innocent and he is wrong but still I am.

[baby_onthe_way]

You know you can ask for advise and I don't blame you.But you have to make the decision that suits you best.No one should tell you to either leave him or stay with him.That's all on you.My opionon is that once the trust is broken time after time it's very hard to repair.Trust can be built back up but it sounds like from what you told us that he doesn't have enough respect for you his wife to stay faithful period.I'm sorry hun but a handjob to me is still cheating,if another woman is giving it to him.Why doesn't he just do it himself or have you do it?That would be the right way to go but he clearly can't concieve the right way.I feel if you do decide to remain in that marriage you might have forgave him but you will never forget.It will always still be there and you will always second guess where he's been or where he spent that extra 100 dollars so have you.That is sad that a man can be so selfish and only think of himself then his own wife and make excuses for doing the wrong things he has done.There isn't any excuse that is a good enough one to allow or excuse the things he has done.I do not have massage parlors here and I am thankful for that.But this man has major issues and you are to good to sit back and take his **** again time after time.It's one thing to make a mistake once."Shame on you" but make it twice"Shame on me" or over and over then you are only proving to yourself you can not do better then him or you have settle for whatever reasons.Taking control over the funds isn't going to prevent something like this from happening again.And I think you know that.Now grow a back bone and stand your ground and be strong not weak.You decide what's best for you, it is your life.Good luck and I hope you do not back down on whatever decision you decide to make.