Husband cheated - please help

[justme779]

I feel like I am living a nightmare!!!! Last week I read about a massage parlor question and if that girls husband or whatever is getting just a hand job she is lucky. I knew my husband used to go to those places but Friday night I found out he went again - yeah it was a hand job (BAD ENOUGH!!!) but we FINALLY laid all our cards out on the table. He has gotten a hand job about 24 times in the 4 years we are married - but it gets worse. When we were first married he got the whole package three times. He said that he felt that was wrong and stopped and then he took the hand package. He again stopped that for the most part but went the other night because he was stressed about losing his job. He wanted to tell me everything and start all over - infact he wants to renew our vows. He also swears to never go again and will make sure I know he does not by making me control his $$ and he'll check in at all times on the way home. Besides that we talked about why he went in the first place. (1) He really wanted a good massage and one thing led to another (NO EXCUSE)- so he asked that now only I give him a massage, (2) He felt alone as I am often busy - so he hired me a maid, joined me up for his gym and wants us to do things together - even going away to sporting events with his friends. He'll hang with them to do the sport but then we'll stay in our own hotel and have our nights and (3) the sex got boring - he asked that we talk about what we both want to spice it up. He also said that he never once kissed or did anything with a girl as he never wanted another relationship - it was only quick fun. He is not kidding himself - he knows he was 100% wrong and is blaming no one. FINALLY the question - do I give him another shot with all these changes and believe he can be good or do I leave him??? I never minded his porn and I did not like his website browsing which he stopped - but this has me feeling empty. Does it matter that it is he who told me everything  - not sure.

[barn babe]

Sorry, but that humor went over like a lead balloon. Maybe I've just spent too many years doing pro bono work for sex workers and women in abusive relationships who were on the receiving end of too much violence. Jokes about violence do nothing for me. The visual imagery of it is off-putting. I don't like it when men make jokes about violence, and it's just as offensive when women do it. I happen to be a pacifist anyway, so, yep, your "humor" was lost on me.

But I think humor about violence speaks to the cavalier attitude we have about violence and physical abuse in this culture.  Maybe something for you to think about. If you haven't been the victim of violence, haven't seen what physical violence does to people's psyches, their spirit, let alone their bodies, you may be  oblivious to how such "humor" comes across.

[pertykitty]

and here we go again, the black eye comment was a joke. humor. barn you need to get some of that. you really need to relax with all the name calling. i think we can all share our opinions, and that is all they are, without temps rising or spewing profanity. maybe we could all just give our opinions without bashing the other posters.   "pertykitty"  (love the quotes)

[barn babe]

Okay, "freakin," now I understand the screen name. Because YOU are freaking. Calm down, for f*ck sake. Nobody is "attacking" you. Don't you think we KNOW that the OP is going to do what she wants no matter what a bunch of internet yahoos think?  Chocolate christ on a  popsicle  stick, you act like she's some kind of alien pod who can't make a decision about her own life.

This is choice, though:

"p.s. all he needs may be your support and care.. show him how much your(sic) ready to be there for him.. now if it doesnt work.. DUMP HIM, bite him, kick him, etc."

Complete sentences would be nice. However, if I'm reading you correctly (not easy to do, admittedly), you are advocating that she bite him and kick him? That's cute! But wholly inappropriate. What's with the black eyes, the kicking, and the biting? If you and "pertykitty" have pent up aggression bottled up, go out for a run or hit a punching bag. Violence doesn't solve anything. (See my recent post about violence being inherent in U.S. society, though.  If you are not an Amerikan, however, you can disregard it. But you still have issues.)

Take a Valium, "freakin."  Just count to 10 and breathe. It's all good. You need to learn not to get suicidal if somebody disagrees with you.  We're all just dumb-f*ck internet yahoos here. It's all meaningless, in the end.

[freakin-natural]

well ok LEAVE HIM , HE's GOOD FOR NOTHING......


are you happy?

i dont know but sometimes, we have to let the woman decide for herself.. since its her who feels freaky ... were here to suggest.. it was mine and it was yours.. and how come my name was mentioned.. im a freak who wants to save relationships... may it be from a disaster or pure hell.. but in the end.. THOSE TWO GUYS are still the ones to decide.. not us.. never us..


p.s. all he needs may be your support and care.. show him how much your ready to be there for him.. now if it doesnt work.. DUMP HIM, bite him, kick him, etc.

[pertykitty]

with the hand jobs and the whole package (im guessing sex) counts as cheating 27 times. ok it didnt take a brain surg to figure that out, but from the sound of your post you dont really see it that way. i agree with barn. he is using any power he has to get you to not leave. 27 times!! in 4 years if i remember reading that. do that math. it wasnt a one time thing. honestly was he like this in other relationships? and let me tell you, you go to get a massage and 98% only do massage my guess. so if he wanted a hand job, he went to a place that he KNEW would give it to him. and you dont go to a place like that to just get the knots worked out. i think you need counseling for yourself at the very least. your esteem has to be down, and your head clouded with his lies. there really are somethings that cant be fixed. and by attaching yourself to him wont fix. we cant all be together 100% of the time, and if you do- i imagine the trust will start to come back, and he will go off by himself. honestly if my dh did something like this then asked me to renew our vows, he would have one heck of a black eye and possibly some papers to sign.

[barn babe]

Sorry, senior moment. I forgot something - get yourselves into couples counseling. You might be in over your head at this point.

I still don't have much hope for this marriage, but counseling might bring you out on the other side. Good luck.