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I don't love my husband and my child
I've been married for 5 years. My child is 3 years old now. 3 month after she was born I learned that my husband cheated on me with his Ex. I found a letter from Family court which stated that she filed for child support for her daughter who is only six month older than mine. It was my husband's child.. Which they conceived after we got married.
I was shocked, I felt like my life was destroyed. I didn't divorce my husband, because I had this baby to care for. Plus I have no family in the US, but my husband, so I nowhere to go. I felt depressed, and tried to commit suicide. It took me a year to get use too idea that my live will never be the same, and family that I have always dreamed of will never happened to me. I am all better now, but unfortunately I don't have any love left for my husband. I can't stand him, every time I look at him I see person who lied to me while promised to make me happy. having sex with him is a night mare for me. And the worst thing of all, I don't love my child. I feel like I got trapped into this life because of her. Every time I look at her, all I can think of is that if I didn't have her I would be free from this man, who betrayed me and destroyed my marriage. She loves her father very much, they are the best friends in the whole world.
I really want to leave my husband, but if I do what should I do about my daughter? I don't want people around me think that I am a bed mother if I leave her too. But If I take her with me she will be devastated; her father is everything for her.
I am lost, and don't know what to do.
Some clarification.
The Myth of the Wage Gap
Civil Rights Journal by Diana Furchtgott-Roth
"The 74 percent figure is derived by comparing the average median wage of all full-time working men and women. To obtain figures for individual states, average wages of men and women within that state are compared. So older workers are compared to younger, social workers to police officers, and, since full-time means any number of hours above 35 a week (and sometimes fewer), those working 60-hour weeks are compared with those working 35-hour weeks. These estimates fail to consider key factors in determining wages, including education, age, experience, and, perhaps most importantly, consecutive years in the workforce. That is why in States such as Louisiana, where it is less common for women to work, and where they have less education and work experience, the wage gap is wider. In areas where it is more usual for women to work, such as the District of Columbia, the gap is smaller. But this average wage gap, as it is known, says nothing about whether individuals with the same qualifications who are in the same jobs are discriminated against.
When discrimination occurs, and, as readers know all too well, it does occur, our nation has laws to deal with it. We need to focus on individuals rather than averages, and apply the Civil Rights Act and the Equal Pay Act to eradicate cases of discrimination as they occur.
How much less do equally-qualified women make? Surprisingly, given all the misused statistics to the contrary, they make about the same. Economists have long known that the adjusted wage gap between men and women--the difference in wages adjusted for occupation, age, experience, education, and time in the workforce--is far smaller than the average wage gap. Even just adjusting for age removes a lot of the gap: in 1998, according to data published in Employment and Earnings by the Department of Labor, women aged 16 to 24 made 91 percent of what men made.
The wage gap shrinks dramatically when multiple factors are considered. Women with similar levels of education and experience earn as much as their male counterparts. Using data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, economics professor June O'Neill found that, among people ages twenty-seven to thirty-three who have never had a child, women's earnings are close to 98 percent of men's. Professor O'Neill notes that "when earnings comparisons are restricted to men and women more similar in their experience and life situations, the measured earnings differentials are typically quite small."
What about the remaining gap, often referred to as the unexplained statistical residual? Economists Solomon Polachek and Claudia Goldin suggest that different expectations of future employment, or human capital investment, may explain the residual. In other words, since 80 percent of women have children, they may plan their careers accordingly, often seeking employment in fields where job flexibility is high and where job skills will deteriorate at a slower rate. This allows them to move in and out of the workforce with greater ease, or to shift from full-time to part-time work, if they so choose. But job flexibility frequently comes at the cost of lower wages in these fields."
The Myth of the Wage Gap
Civil Rights Journal by Diana Furchtgott-Roth
"The 74 percent figure is derived by comparing the average median wage of all full-time working men and women. To obtain figures for individual states, average wages of men and women within that state are compared. So older workers are compared to younger, social workers to police officers, and, since full-time means any number of hours above 35 a week (and sometimes fewer), those working 60-hour weeks are compared with those working 35-hour weeks. These estimates fail to consider key factors in determining wages, including education, age, experience, and, perhaps most importantly, consecutive years in the workforce. That is why in States such as Louisiana, where it is less common for women to work, and where they have less education and work experience, the wage gap is wider. In areas where it is more usual for women to work, such as the District of Columbia, the gap is smaller. But this average wage gap, as it is known, says nothing about whether individuals with the same qualifications who are in the same jobs are discriminated against.
When discrimination occurs, and, as readers know all too well, it does occur, our nation has laws to deal with it. We need to focus on individuals rather than averages, and apply the Civil Rights Act and the Equal Pay Act to eradicate cases of discrimination as they occur.
How much less do equally-qualified women make? Surprisingly, given all the misused statistics to the contrary, they make about the same. Economists have long known that the adjusted wage gap between men and women--the difference in wages adjusted for occupation, age, experience, education, and time in the workforce--is far smaller than the average wage gap. Even just adjusting for age removes a lot of the gap: in 1998, according to data published in Employment and Earnings by the Department of Labor, women aged 16 to 24 made 91 percent of what men made.
The wage gap shrinks dramatically when multiple factors are considered. Women with similar levels of education and experience earn as much as their male counterparts. Using data from the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, economics professor June O'Neill found that, among people ages twenty-seven to thirty-three who have never had a child, women's earnings are close to 98 percent of men's. Professor O'Neill notes that "when earnings comparisons are restricted to men and women more similar in their experience and life situations, the measured earnings differentials are typically quite small."
What about the remaining gap, often referred to as the unexplained statistical residual? Economists Solomon Polachek and Claudia Goldin suggest that different expectations of future employment, or human capital investment, may explain the residual. In other words, since 80 percent of women have children, they may plan their careers accordingly, often seeking employment in fields where job flexibility is high and where job skills will deteriorate at a slower rate. This allows them to move in and out of the workforce with greater ease, or to shift from full-time to part-time work, if they so choose. But job flexibility frequently comes at the cost of lower wages in these fields."
Who said anything about bon bons etc. Please cogitate men and women make the same pay, for the same jobs ( jobs like food service have less men and jobs like meat processing have more so their are median wage differences) but that still being considered most families work two jobs not because they want to, but rather because they have to. So yes that is a luxury to not have to enter the workforce when most of world has to. For the love of god check your facts.
And yet even without one person being a stay at home mom they get those things you mention, except for child care done. I know a little bit about that subject beause I used to take care of my son from home and work "at home" .
The different wages for same jobs is a myth check your statistics.
As to being able to afford you? Wouldn't want you! I suspect the product is damaged, overrated, and not near as reliable as you think as some of the advise you have given borders on illegal to say the least. Check out the Stockholm treaties and removing a child from a country. Canada and most of the western world are signatories.
And yet even without one person being a stay at home mom they get those things you mention, except for child care done. I know a little bit about that subject beause I used to take care of my son from home and work "at home" .
The different wages for same jobs is a myth check your statistics.
As to being able to afford you? Wouldn't want you! I suspect the product is damaged, overrated, and not near as reliable as you think as some of the advise you have given borders on illegal to say the least. Check out the Stockholm treaties and removing a child from a country. Canada and most of the western world are signatories.
i ALSO SUGGEST YOU ALSO GO TO A WOMEN'S HELP CENTER AND DISCUSS WHAT YOU ARE EXPERIENCING. iF YOU NEED SOMEPLACE TO GO FOR SAFETY, THEY HAVE SAFE HOUSES FOR YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER TO STAY TEMPORARILY.
Have your own set of car keys hidden somewhere outside the house. Pack a bag of clothes for you and your daughter for a week or longer departure. Get a credit card in your name only. Open a bank account in another bank, even in another town, in your name only. Remove as much money as you can to take care of you and the baby for awhile until you can get work and on you own feet. Put it into your own bank account. Don't let the bank do it for you. This must remain private. Include in your bundle of clothes, your passport, your and you daughter's social security cards, and birth certificates of you both. Also start making a list of names and addresses and phone numbers of friends, relatives, the police, 911. Ask at the women's help center where you can get hold of a cell phone and set up an account in your name only and not where your husband has his account. Learn your phone number by heart, and have it not written down anywhere. You can inform your family in Canada when you choose to leave, but not where you are going. You will be the only one who will do any calling. They will not have your phone number. Put your bundle someplace like the bus station depot locker and hide that key where only you will know where to find it, or someplace of your choice.
If your name is also on the car title, registration and insurance, you have every right to take the car in the middle of the night to carry out your plan. I would suggest you call the police to inform them that you have taken the car and it is not stolen. You can tell them you are in the process of leaving an abusive marriage. Do not tell them where you are going. Have a plan as to where you are going...far away. You can leave the car somewhere, keep the keys, and have a Taxi or bus or plane pick you up and take you to various locations so he cannot follow you. Before you decide to return to Canada, check with a lawyer about if you can legally take your daughter to Canada without her father's knowledge. lYou may also need to have a Protection From Abuse order issued to husband that stipulates he is not to contact you or come near you or your daughter. It will be temporary, unless you file again and make it permanent. Go to the Women's Help Center for any additional questions you have and for more advice. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING. And don't put it on this forum. Good luck and God Bless.
Have your own set of car keys hidden somewhere outside the house. Pack a bag of clothes for you and your daughter for a week or longer departure. Get a credit card in your name only. Open a bank account in another bank, even in another town, in your name only. Remove as much money as you can to take care of you and the baby for awhile until you can get work and on you own feet. Put it into your own bank account. Don't let the bank do it for you. This must remain private. Include in your bundle of clothes, your passport, your and you daughter's social security cards, and birth certificates of you both. Also start making a list of names and addresses and phone numbers of friends, relatives, the police, 911. Ask at the women's help center where you can get hold of a cell phone and set up an account in your name only and not where your husband has his account. Learn your phone number by heart, and have it not written down anywhere. You can inform your family in Canada when you choose to leave, but not where you are going. You will be the only one who will do any calling. They will not have your phone number. Put your bundle someplace like the bus station depot locker and hide that key where only you will know where to find it, or someplace of your choice.
If your name is also on the car title, registration and insurance, you have every right to take the car in the middle of the night to carry out your plan. I would suggest you call the police to inform them that you have taken the car and it is not stolen. You can tell them you are in the process of leaving an abusive marriage. Do not tell them where you are going. Have a plan as to where you are going...far away. You can leave the car somewhere, keep the keys, and have a Taxi or bus or plane pick you up and take you to various locations so he cannot follow you. Before you decide to return to Canada, check with a lawyer about if you can legally take your daughter to Canada without her father's knowledge. lYou may also need to have a Protection From Abuse order issued to husband that stipulates he is not to contact you or come near you or your daughter. It will be temporary, unless you file again and make it permanent. Go to the Women's Help Center for any additional questions you have and for more advice. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING. And don't put it on this forum. Good luck and God Bless.
According to your discription of your husbands behavior, I just noted, you are married to an abuser. He will not change and he will cause you to feel totally crazy as long as you remain with him. He is a control freak and he will distroy you. Get out of that relationship before you totally succumb to his insane behavior. You cannot leave your daughter with him either. You will have to fight to save her life from him as he will do the very same thing to her once he took control of her. He would then make it impossible for you to see her too. He would raise her to believe that she must obey the wishes of any man she meets.
I worked 10 years for a women's help center. I have seen this abuse only escalate into worse situations. If he knew you were writing in this forum he would do everything to take away your ability to savor this outlet of communication. Don't let him be aware of this forum. Also definitely get counseling for you. He is a lost cause. Help yourself grow strong and move on in you and your daughter's lives. You can and will have a much better life when you get away from him.
I worked 10 years for a women's help center. I have seen this abuse only escalate into worse situations. If he knew you were writing in this forum he would do everything to take away your ability to savor this outlet of communication. Don't let him be aware of this forum. Also definitely get counseling for you. He is a lost cause. Help yourself grow strong and move on in you and your daughter's lives. You can and will have a much better life when you get away from him.
To begin with you need to reread the wage statistics. Next you need to realize that even stay at home mothers are working more than their husband's 9-5 jobs. And if a woman who were to charge the hourly rate to drive her kids to/from school, school sports practices and events & band practices and games, plus charge for being a housekeeper, a laundress, a babysitter, a party planner, a chef in the kitchen several times a day, not to mention for meals when the boss visits, or the in-laws visit. Then she needs to charge her time for taking the car for repairs, or to the car wash and for cleaning out the interiors. She should charge for the lawn, and outdoor maintainence landscapers make a bundle on. She should charge for the time it takes her to take the children to their doctors, dentists, vaccinations, emergencies. She should get a nice income for handling the family hair care, all the time she spends planning meals, grocery shopping, buying clothes for the family for school, work, play, church. She should make a nice sum of money for being her husband's sexual pleasure any time he wants, and his woman he identifies with at meetings and conventions. She is a dishwasher too. Plus she is the family psychologist, and her husband's personal consultant. And then she takes care of your elderly parents, and her elderly parents. I can think of more things a stay at home women could charge for her 24-7-365 day 18+ years work that the man of the house does not get charged for. It would far outweigh his income and he couldn't afford people to do all this work. Also for the part-time worker woman, who still comes home and does all of the above while her husband relaxes in front of the TV. the Computer, takes his nap after work, and groans when he is asked to take out the garbage, or put his dirty laundry into the hamper instead of his wake of trail of dumping and dropping his stuff as he goes about his world at home oblivious to the fact that his wife is probably very sick and tired of his not atleast picking up after himself.
I am not a man hater or anything as such. But you, and a lot of guys have got your gall to assume a stay at home mother is living in luxury, doing nothing, eating bonbons, just holding out her hand for your paycheck and living life like a parasite. Get real and now. You don't know how much work a woman does to maintain a home, husband, family, food, income, health, education, and all, when you make statements like you posted in your remarks.
And for a woman who is head of a household, who makes less in wages than a male doing the very same job, who also runs the whole show and may not get their children's child support money because her ex has a new woman to spend money on, a new car, a new life, well he is only hurting his children and they will remember him for it.
I have been both a stay at home mother, and a working wife and mother. I know you couldn't afford me. I make more money than you do on your best job.
I am not a man hater or anything as such. But you, and a lot of guys have got your gall to assume a stay at home mother is living in luxury, doing nothing, eating bonbons, just holding out her hand for your paycheck and living life like a parasite. Get real and now. You don't know how much work a woman does to maintain a home, husband, family, food, income, health, education, and all, when you make statements like you posted in your remarks.
And for a woman who is head of a household, who makes less in wages than a male doing the very same job, who also runs the whole show and may not get their children's child support money because her ex has a new woman to spend money on, a new car, a new life, well he is only hurting his children and they will remember him for it.
I have been both a stay at home mother, and a working wife and mother. I know you couldn't afford me. I make more money than you do on your best job.
What your husband did to you is unfathomably cruel, self centered, irresponsible, inmature, and reprehensible. He should NEVER have married you when he didn't have his old relationship thoroughly over with. And after he married YOU, he owed his loyalty, love, honor, attention to YOU, UNDIVIDED. I hear your anguish, depression, sorrow, abandonment. He should be on his belly kissing your toes and proving to you that he truly loves you and is sorry he hurt you like this. Instead he is demonstrating that he is not a worthy man to be married to. He also demonstrates he is not a worthy man to be called a Daddy. He really blew this one big time and I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do. I honor your feelings toward your husband and if you choose to leave him, I honor that as well. You are not in a trap, however this may look to you. You can sue him for Alimony, and Child Support, and all the debts incurred in getting you mental health counseling. Get a job that will help you to save up money to make a move, if this becomes your choice. Then get your own place.
As for your daughter. She is not guilty of your husband's behavior. She did not cause it and she doesn't deserve to have to pay that price, just because she is his baby. She is every bit your daughter too, and she needs her Mama more than you can imagine. She knows when you don't love her. She can see it in you eyes, hear it in you voice, detect it in your behavior, and sense it in her soul. You have to hate him, but love her. She had nothing to do with this and your rejecting her will destroy you both. Keep her with you and work at loving her for who she is and not anything to do with her father.
You are wise to get counseling. You need this support system on your side. If a doctor recommends medication to help lift your mood, go for it. When you feel better emotionally, you will be able to tackle your situation with a much clearer head. It will sting for quite some time, but this too shall pass.
Attempt something a woman I know did to help her get out of her bad marriage situation. She wrote all her family and friends (without devulging what was happening), only that she desperately needed help financially to get out. A lot of caring people opened their wallets and got her some money to work with, not expecting to be repaid, but that would be your choice. She had a job and a new baby to support and she was then in her own apartment. From there she was able to get on with her life with a beautiful little son, who looks just like his Dad. She gives him the number one love and treatment he deserves, and they are enjoying a good life now.
Maybe your family can send you and your daughter home to Canada so you can be close to family that loves you and her. If your husband loses contact with your daughter, well, he has got to eat this one because he brought it upon you and her. You and she deserve a good life together without him, mingling with people who love, respect, honor you and treat you both with dignity. She can grow up with a happy mom, and feel proud of herself and loved. She needn't feel second fiddle because of this anger you have. You both deserve to feel in the number one position, no less.
Please stay in contact with this forum. By the way. In the USA women are paid .75cts. for every 1.00 a male is paid for doing the very same job. Yet more households are headed by women. Our system has got to change the balance of this problem. Men still are in denial about this issue. They just refuse to achknowlege even the statistics published. Yet they are whining because they have to pay to support their children. Why? Because they make babies!
Many male attitudes are still like owners and slaves. They still have the mentality that they run their castle and the wife and kids must make due with what he lets them have. That is not good enough in today's world. Women are not owned. Wives are EQUAL PARTNERS in the marriage. (If you had done this to your husband and he had written in instead of you, I would have been telling him the very same advice I am telling you. I am not a man hater, or anti family, or anything else. What is fair for the Goose is also fair for the Gander, and vice versa).
As for your daughter. She is not guilty of your husband's behavior. She did not cause it and she doesn't deserve to have to pay that price, just because she is his baby. She is every bit your daughter too, and she needs her Mama more than you can imagine. She knows when you don't love her. She can see it in you eyes, hear it in you voice, detect it in your behavior, and sense it in her soul. You have to hate him, but love her. She had nothing to do with this and your rejecting her will destroy you both. Keep her with you and work at loving her for who she is and not anything to do with her father.
You are wise to get counseling. You need this support system on your side. If a doctor recommends medication to help lift your mood, go for it. When you feel better emotionally, you will be able to tackle your situation with a much clearer head. It will sting for quite some time, but this too shall pass.
Attempt something a woman I know did to help her get out of her bad marriage situation. She wrote all her family and friends (without devulging what was happening), only that she desperately needed help financially to get out. A lot of caring people opened their wallets and got her some money to work with, not expecting to be repaid, but that would be your choice. She had a job and a new baby to support and she was then in her own apartment. From there she was able to get on with her life with a beautiful little son, who looks just like his Dad. She gives him the number one love and treatment he deserves, and they are enjoying a good life now.
Maybe your family can send you and your daughter home to Canada so you can be close to family that loves you and her. If your husband loses contact with your daughter, well, he has got to eat this one because he brought it upon you and her. You and she deserve a good life together without him, mingling with people who love, respect, honor you and treat you both with dignity. She can grow up with a happy mom, and feel proud of herself and loved. She needn't feel second fiddle because of this anger you have. You both deserve to feel in the number one position, no less.
Please stay in contact with this forum. By the way. In the USA women are paid .75cts. for every 1.00 a male is paid for doing the very same job. Yet more households are headed by women. Our system has got to change the balance of this problem. Men still are in denial about this issue. They just refuse to achknowlege even the statistics published. Yet they are whining because they have to pay to support their children. Why? Because they make babies!
Many male attitudes are still like owners and slaves. They still have the mentality that they run their castle and the wife and kids must make due with what he lets them have. That is not good enough in today's world. Women are not owned. Wives are EQUAL PARTNERS in the marriage. (If you had done this to your husband and he had written in instead of you, I would have been telling him the very same advice I am telling you. I am not a man hater, or anti family, or anything else. What is fair for the Goose is also fair for the Gander, and vice versa).
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