So, you have prioritize what you work on here. Your mental health is the first priority. If you are suicidal, you need to be working with a psychiatrist and therapist! It's clear that your mental health is impacting your choices with regards to this ex boyfriend. Your activity would constitute as stalking. Which is illegal. You need to be working with a professional and please go to the ER if you are considering harming yourself.
I agree with specialmom about your mental health being your first priority and working with mental-health professionals, not just a doctor. You don't want to get arrested, but even more important, you want peace of mind. Don't shy away if one of your therapists suggests medication, it can help.
Another thing that sometimes helps is to realize that the thing you are stalking is not the real relationship as it was with your ex-boyfriend, but a mental image you made up in your head of the relationship. It probably never was what you say to yourself now that it was, this thing you are chasing is a fantasy of a perfect relationship that you made up yourself. Sometimes it really helps, when you need to let go, if you remember that what you are letting go of is not a real thing, it's a story that you made up yourself. It can make you feel in control to remember that the image of the relationship is really just a story that was one's own invention. That's not really so hard, since you wrote the storybook you can turn away from it.
I'm sorry that you are in such mental anguish LIlly. You've said that you were in 2 Psych Units for a total of 6 months. Can you share what you did learn about your condition from the professionals working with you in the Psych Wards? Can you share what your diagnosis was as a child and then, as an adult?
so, when I read your full story, I can appreciate your long journey you've been on. I think you still have quite a ways to go for healthier mental health and life. the ex is something you have fixated on.
You have to address YOU. I think you need to continue working with a professional -- psychiatrist, psychologist. I don't quite understand the addiction treatment program unless 'someone' thought it applied to you. Sometimes it is hard to see your own problems. But that you've been suicidal and are showing some unstable tendencies in the stalking behavior or your ex, I worry. Take it seriously, reach out for help and get back into treatment.
I was actually in a similar situation to a lesser degree - I think I have BPD, I got really obsessive over two friends I had crushes on who didn't like me back to the point where I was putting myself in danger so they'd pay attention to me, then they cut off contact with me and blocked me. Afterwards I would follow them around and obsess over them and go to places I knew they were so I could stare at them, made a ton of fake accounts to try to talk to them and see what they were doing, drive past their house, etc. It was really bad and I still haven't fully recovered eight months after they cut off contact with me. There isn't an easy solution for this unfortunately. I went to therapy and it didn't help at all. I'd have no impulse control and would still stalk them no matter what my therapist said. She had given me anxiety meds beforehand but they didn't help with this either. And the therapy techniques she taught me didn't matter because I didn't care enough to try them. The only thing that worked is giving them time. After eight months, one of the two guys is talking to me again and I no longer feel the need to stalk him. The other one isn't but having one guy back is helping me not stalk the other one. I didn't actually stop stalking the first guy before he decided to talk to me again a few days ago but I did it in such a discrete way that he couldn't tell I was doing it anymore. So as bad as it sounds, your best solution is to only do digital stalking that they can't track. Like, make the fake Facebook accounts to see what the ex is doing, but never do anything in person to stalk him. In person stalking is detectable and is only going to drive him further away. Hopefully over time you can wean yourself off of the digital stalking and maybe he'll come back to you. Good luck. Let me know if you want to talk.
You might want to try a local sex and love addicts anonymous group. It helps with obsession in relationships and past relationships but go to a women's only chapter because they focus more on what you're experiencing. It's sort of a kind of addictive behavior.
It seems you are saying that all this behavior is going on in spite of yourself. As if you are not responsible for it. Face up to it, you are the one doing these things. You only have to put yourself in the position of all these boyfriends. If somebody was doing this to you, I think you would run a mile. It certainly defeats the object. With regard to psychopathy - please look this up in the dictionary or online. You will then see that this has nothing to do with psychopathy at all. This behavior is totally unacceptable and not something a mature person would indulge in.
I have read this thread again just in case I was being too harsh in my first answer. No. I don't think so. You have had a great deal of support on here, but when you say none of the 'professionals' believe you or can help you, don't you think that this is not a mental health issue but a behavioral one? There really are no pills or potions to control one's behavior. As for private hospitals - they are in business for profit.
You did give yourself away, though. In the middle of all your diagnoses you added BPD. I assume you are referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. If this is the case, it stands to reason that you would indulge in such extreme behavior as the cardinal symptom of borderline personality disorder is attachment difficulties. Abandonment is a major issue. So if you feel abandoned by these bfs, you feel compelled to over-react. However, apart from anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications, there really is nothing in pill form that can help. Psychiatrists often find it very hard to treat this condition.
You will have to accept what these professionals have told you. The best advice I can give you is to go to see a behavioral therapist. I hope you will find somebody in a professional capacity to help you overcome this. Otherwise, this will be a life-long problem.