Aa
sexually confused
Hi, I have a lot of stress in my life and I am a single 30 yr old guy. I know this is probably shallow of me and something I need to work out, but it is summer here where I live and there are SO many attractive women and I find myself acting desperate, especially when i go to the river. The thing is is I believe my greater self should be patient and grateful and wait for someone who I LOVE and not just run around seeking my options for sex. I feel I am really putting on a lot of unnecessary stress on myself by running around looking for attractive girls who might want to do something with me. I mean, the last and only time I had sex was with this one girl 4 years ago, and my hormones are kindof controlling me and it's hard to just be patient or discipline myself to seek love, and deny my sexual desires. My question is, what do you guys think about seeking casual sexual encounters? Or, is it only right to do it with someone you really like or love?
Hi Londres70,
I do value the holistic and natural approach. And after traveling the world I did embrace Chinese, and Far Eastern, and asian values in general. actually, it was learning how China particularly is "collectivist", and the west is "Individualistic". Having learned this I admired collectivism and became ashamed of my individualism. But as I see it now, while the West may breed arrogance, i am learning that China isn't perfect afterall. This is my culture shock in a nutshell, and the fact that I "fell in love" with a Chinese girl from the ship only made me try to become collectivist even more, to embrace the values of sharing the same beliefs and values as your family and even culture, and all get along and be humble and happy.
This was at the heart of my problem i believe because in China, when 2 people get married it is seen as the two families comming together. So I basically tried for many years to convert my "individualistic" and hence morrally corrupt family, and self, into being collectivist. Otherwise I knew it would never work out between me and the girl.
However, I no longer see things in this respect that I learned them; I think the world is wrong to differentiate from one another at the cultural and moral level, as I now believe we all struggle with the same things. SO, this is why some of my work these days consists of raising cultural awareness. I'll keep you posted on that! Sorry for the long answer but I can't say that i agree or disagree with far eastern values or even medicines. But yes, i am definately holistic and natural minded.
I do know of the dalai Lama, and appreciate his teachings. I have, however, becamse more drawn to Thich Nhat Hanh, who is another widely respected asian budddhist and spiritual teacher. I actually have followed him closely for support.
i appreciate what you said about finding my identity in the western world without compromising my integrity, and finding the real me :) That was a wise statement and I believe it is possible and right.
However, i do not practice meditation. that is one thing that never resinated with me, at least the sitting down thing.
It's not my only job opportunity. But my life has been very difficult and I have a hard time holding a job, and in a social environment. I have hope, always that this will change! But I actually started my own landscape tree pruning business and plan to pursue that more, as i am fairly broke and working with my dad is not really healthy for me. Because he is the most individualistic in my family, it has been trying to earn his respect for collectivism. so it's hard to depend on him. And the work itself is too vigorous for my body. I have vericose veins in my leg pretty badly, and heavy lifting literally makes them worse in just one day!
Ultimately, for the past 2 years I have been working on a business for raising cultural awareness, and that is what I am hoping for to be my livelihood.
thanks for the questions and sorry for such long answers. But it helps me to reflect as well.
And perhaps we can continue via PM from here if you want but this may also fill others in regarding my situation. Oh, and I have been stepping back from my desperation and desire for sex which seems to really be helping. You know, I think I am looking for something meaningful afterall!!! :)
Thanks again!
Ash
I do value the holistic and natural approach. And after traveling the world I did embrace Chinese, and Far Eastern, and asian values in general. actually, it was learning how China particularly is "collectivist", and the west is "Individualistic". Having learned this I admired collectivism and became ashamed of my individualism. But as I see it now, while the West may breed arrogance, i am learning that China isn't perfect afterall. This is my culture shock in a nutshell, and the fact that I "fell in love" with a Chinese girl from the ship only made me try to become collectivist even more, to embrace the values of sharing the same beliefs and values as your family and even culture, and all get along and be humble and happy.
This was at the heart of my problem i believe because in China, when 2 people get married it is seen as the two families comming together. So I basically tried for many years to convert my "individualistic" and hence morrally corrupt family, and self, into being collectivist. Otherwise I knew it would never work out between me and the girl.
However, I no longer see things in this respect that I learned them; I think the world is wrong to differentiate from one another at the cultural and moral level, as I now believe we all struggle with the same things. SO, this is why some of my work these days consists of raising cultural awareness. I'll keep you posted on that! Sorry for the long answer but I can't say that i agree or disagree with far eastern values or even medicines. But yes, i am definately holistic and natural minded.
I do know of the dalai Lama, and appreciate his teachings. I have, however, becamse more drawn to Thich Nhat Hanh, who is another widely respected asian budddhist and spiritual teacher. I actually have followed him closely for support.
i appreciate what you said about finding my identity in the western world without compromising my integrity, and finding the real me :) That was a wise statement and I believe it is possible and right.
However, i do not practice meditation. that is one thing that never resinated with me, at least the sitting down thing.
It's not my only job opportunity. But my life has been very difficult and I have a hard time holding a job, and in a social environment. I have hope, always that this will change! But I actually started my own landscape tree pruning business and plan to pursue that more, as i am fairly broke and working with my dad is not really healthy for me. Because he is the most individualistic in my family, it has been trying to earn his respect for collectivism. so it's hard to depend on him. And the work itself is too vigorous for my body. I have vericose veins in my leg pretty badly, and heavy lifting literally makes them worse in just one day!
Ultimately, for the past 2 years I have been working on a business for raising cultural awareness, and that is what I am hoping for to be my livelihood.
thanks for the questions and sorry for such long answers. But it helps me to reflect as well.
And perhaps we can continue via PM from here if you want but this may also fill others in regarding my situation. Oh, and I have been stepping back from my desperation and desire for sex which seems to really be helping. You know, I think I am looking for something meaningful afterall!!! :)
Thanks again!
Ash
Sounds like you are more for Far East Traditional Medicine which takes a holistic approach.
Do you follow any of the Dalai Lama's teachings? His teachings are pretty deep and this might help you on your path to finding the "real" you; finding your identity in this Western world without compromising your integrity.
Have you ever tried meditation and/or accupunture?
Is this job with your father the only job opportunity you have?
Do you follow any of the Dalai Lama's teachings? His teachings are pretty deep and this might help you on your path to finding the "real" you; finding your identity in this Western world without compromising your integrity.
Have you ever tried meditation and/or accupunture?
Is this job with your father the only job opportunity you have?
Hey guys,
so I am still not fully recovered but I think I am alright. also, I am feeling tired again particularly because I ate gastric food and didn't get to bed until very late last night!!
So, I believe Londres70, you are right, that this is not so much sexual as it is underlying insecurities that have never been fully addressed!! I haven't been really well for years now and everyday i work to finally be better. I had a culture shock experience and so this is, I believe the root of my problem here. And I have been thinking that this is what I really need to address. I'm working on that.
The thing is is that while dealing with my general difficulties I sometimes get put over the edge from hard physical labor while already under stress or feeling pressured on the site! And this happened recently twice working with my dad and for his crew (tree work). The stress prolongs after the work experience for days, or a week now I guess, because i get a physiological condition/reaction from this intensive physical labor and mental stress, where my temple veins pop out and subside, but then come back.. until I have recovered. These veins are unsightly and I read a lot into this and it is quite common knowledge that this is a common reaction from stress + physical exercise. So that gives explanation to that which is nice.
And I've noticed, that when this happens i get depressed, which is why the stress prolongs I imagine. And then i am doing worse than usual. And what i believe is that when I am feeling this way and stressed out, I don't give myself time to recover.. because I feel i need to keep going due to everything being so unsettled in my life. It's not like I have a wife to go home to.. instead I feel i have to go to the river and find some therapy from a random young woman.
But really, i think I just need to become happy within myself, and I believe this is possible, and just remain patient and not get CONSUMED by the need for someone! I suppose these are just ongoing life lessons, but it really does help to have all you guyses input and support, and to reflect! Even if it's not all that easy to do so.
Just to address some of your other questions: I haven't had sexual encounters at all except with one girl 4 yrs ago, so i am not feeling guilty about that.. i am feeling guilty about, I think, my intentions and obbsessiveness.. really about my desperate approach!!!!!!! I just need to step back from it all, and focus on my responsibilities and yes focus more on love, and trust that things will work out eventually!
I don't believe in western meds for mental health, but I do believe in therapy. I have seen many therapists and while there was some help along the way it was also detrimental, and so I prefer group support/therapy.. like medhelp :) and I also follow spiritual teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh.
My intentions upon traveling were curiosity, not directly family problems! I actually recall feeling quite content the very night before leaving, though, and remember asking myself whether I really need to go abroad or not.. interesting!
Thank you guys all for all your advice and support, it really is so helpful!!! I know i am not exactly giving individual recognition, but please know that I hear you and it is great advice and so helpful!!! Thanks for all the great advice specialmom, thanks for understanding my real problem Londres70 and for the follow up notes :). Thank you TTinKKerBBell for encoureging me to find something meaningful :) and thank you Nursegirl for the great advice and heartfelt concern :)
It is really helpful, and hopefully it doesn't remain too confusing :(
Please feel free to reply if you want or have any other advice! reflecting on this can only help, and it means a lot to me of course :)
Ash
so I am still not fully recovered but I think I am alright. also, I am feeling tired again particularly because I ate gastric food and didn't get to bed until very late last night!!
So, I believe Londres70, you are right, that this is not so much sexual as it is underlying insecurities that have never been fully addressed!! I haven't been really well for years now and everyday i work to finally be better. I had a culture shock experience and so this is, I believe the root of my problem here. And I have been thinking that this is what I really need to address. I'm working on that.
The thing is is that while dealing with my general difficulties I sometimes get put over the edge from hard physical labor while already under stress or feeling pressured on the site! And this happened recently twice working with my dad and for his crew (tree work). The stress prolongs after the work experience for days, or a week now I guess, because i get a physiological condition/reaction from this intensive physical labor and mental stress, where my temple veins pop out and subside, but then come back.. until I have recovered. These veins are unsightly and I read a lot into this and it is quite common knowledge that this is a common reaction from stress + physical exercise. So that gives explanation to that which is nice.
And I've noticed, that when this happens i get depressed, which is why the stress prolongs I imagine. And then i am doing worse than usual. And what i believe is that when I am feeling this way and stressed out, I don't give myself time to recover.. because I feel i need to keep going due to everything being so unsettled in my life. It's not like I have a wife to go home to.. instead I feel i have to go to the river and find some therapy from a random young woman.
But really, i think I just need to become happy within myself, and I believe this is possible, and just remain patient and not get CONSUMED by the need for someone! I suppose these are just ongoing life lessons, but it really does help to have all you guyses input and support, and to reflect! Even if it's not all that easy to do so.
Just to address some of your other questions: I haven't had sexual encounters at all except with one girl 4 yrs ago, so i am not feeling guilty about that.. i am feeling guilty about, I think, my intentions and obbsessiveness.. really about my desperate approach!!!!!!! I just need to step back from it all, and focus on my responsibilities and yes focus more on love, and trust that things will work out eventually!
I don't believe in western meds for mental health, but I do believe in therapy. I have seen many therapists and while there was some help along the way it was also detrimental, and so I prefer group support/therapy.. like medhelp :) and I also follow spiritual teachers like Thich Nhat Hanh.
My intentions upon traveling were curiosity, not directly family problems! I actually recall feeling quite content the very night before leaving, though, and remember asking myself whether I really need to go abroad or not.. interesting!
Thank you guys all for all your advice and support, it really is so helpful!!! I know i am not exactly giving individual recognition, but please know that I hear you and it is great advice and so helpful!!! Thanks for all the great advice specialmom, thanks for understanding my real problem Londres70 and for the follow up notes :). Thank you TTinKKerBBell for encoureging me to find something meaningful :) and thank you Nursegirl for the great advice and heartfelt concern :)
It is really helpful, and hopefully it doesn't remain too confusing :(
Please feel free to reply if you want or have any other advice! reflecting on this can only help, and it means a lot to me of course :)
Ash
Thank you guys for responding. I really appreciate it and it is very helpful. i was hoping to respond tonight but wasn't feeling that great earlier and now it is late an am tired. I will respond soon though! Thanks again, and goodnight :)
Perhaps you are looking at sex as a way to release all this anxiety you have?
Sounds like you are struggling with who you are related to long standing insecurities issues that have never been addressed making you extremely anxious.
What's the situation with your family? Are they the reason why you decided to travel internationally?
I know you stated you don't believe in and refuse to take Western meds, however, do you believe in therapy?
I don't think this is a sexual issue per se.
Once again, casual sexual encounters.....to each his own, however, it really isn't healthy to be trying to address your anxiety issues by having lots of sex with strangers. That's what I think you are trying to do.
Sounds like you are struggling with who you are related to long standing insecurities issues that have never been addressed making you extremely anxious.
What's the situation with your family? Are they the reason why you decided to travel internationally?
I know you stated you don't believe in and refuse to take Western meds, however, do you believe in therapy?
I don't think this is a sexual issue per se.
Once again, casual sexual encounters.....to each his own, however, it really isn't healthy to be trying to address your anxiety issues by having lots of sex with strangers. That's what I think you are trying to do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, certainly appreciate your honesty.
The question is----- do you desire someone in your life or do you just desire sex? Are you longing for companionship or just a warm body??
Here is why I ask that---- if you down deep desire to be with someone special, casual sex would be hard on you. You'll attach to women in ways that you wouldn't if you weren't having sex wit them and you'll be vulnerable to heart break.
When one wants a relationship, they take their time getting to know people before diving into the sack.
It's okay to just want a physical relationship. You're an adult and lots of people do this. But with that, you must be sure that you can handle the come and go of being with someone just for that.
I think when we are super horny and seeing lots of pretty girls . . . we are just that much more aware that we aren't with anyone. Skip the river once in a while. Try to do something around where you live that is fun and has the potential to meet someone you might like to get to know better than just seeing them naked.
good luck. Don't be anxious about this. LOTS of people are lonely, lots of people want sex and lots of people find these things elusive. Give yourself time and stay strong.
The question is----- do you desire someone in your life or do you just desire sex? Are you longing for companionship or just a warm body??
Here is why I ask that---- if you down deep desire to be with someone special, casual sex would be hard on you. You'll attach to women in ways that you wouldn't if you weren't having sex wit them and you'll be vulnerable to heart break.
When one wants a relationship, they take their time getting to know people before diving into the sack.
It's okay to just want a physical relationship. You're an adult and lots of people do this. But with that, you must be sure that you can handle the come and go of being with someone just for that.
I think when we are super horny and seeing lots of pretty girls . . . we are just that much more aware that we aren't with anyone. Skip the river once in a while. Try to do something around where you live that is fun and has the potential to meet someone you might like to get to know better than just seeing them naked.
good luck. Don't be anxious about this. LOTS of people are lonely, lots of people want sex and lots of people find these things elusive. Give yourself time and stay strong.
Okay, maybe this is toop easy, but if you're struggling with your feelings about sex vs love, why not avoid going to the river? Clearly, that is just one big trigger for you. Until you sort things out a bit...I think you would be better staying away from that kind of stimuli.
Out of all you wrote...I have to say I'm very confused. Exactly WHAT is bothering you? Casual sex encounters? Are you feeling guilty about that? Are you thinking about sex too much and are concerned about some type of addiction? Are you upset that you're not in a committed relationship (which is a good thing I think right now, for you)? I just don't get what your internal struggle is.
I think you would benefit greatly from talking to a professional.
Out of all you wrote...I have to say I'm very confused. Exactly WHAT is bothering you? Casual sex encounters? Are you feeling guilty about that? Are you thinking about sex too much and are concerned about some type of addiction? Are you upset that you're not in a committed relationship (which is a good thing I think right now, for you)? I just don't get what your internal struggle is.
I think you would benefit greatly from talking to a professional.
Hi TTinKKerBBell,
I really appreciate your advocacy for love!!! It is what I usually seek, and what I ultimately am seeking. I have been through a lot in recent years and feel I need love. It's just that I am still insecure and i also want sex. And I go to the river all the time to cool off and ther are so many bikinis that it makes me concentrate too much on sex. I am aware that I am most likely wrong in my approach, which is why I am suffering, but another factor that has added to this stress and desperation is not only my long ongoing insecurities and lonliness, but working with my dad on trees (he has a tree business). This is what induced my stress about this in the first place which I wrote in my reply to Londres70. Anyway, it's confusing. But thank you for the advice, and you seem smart. I like how you said you have trust in life, or faith. I do as well, even though i neglect that wisdom with my impatience and desperation :( so dumb. well thank you again, a lot, and I really appreciate your response.
Ash
I really appreciate your advocacy for love!!! It is what I usually seek, and what I ultimately am seeking. I have been through a lot in recent years and feel I need love. It's just that I am still insecure and i also want sex. And I go to the river all the time to cool off and ther are so many bikinis that it makes me concentrate too much on sex. I am aware that I am most likely wrong in my approach, which is why I am suffering, but another factor that has added to this stress and desperation is not only my long ongoing insecurities and lonliness, but working with my dad on trees (he has a tree business). This is what induced my stress about this in the first place which I wrote in my reply to Londres70. Anyway, it's confusing. But thank you for the advice, and you seem smart. I like how you said you have trust in life, or faith. I do as well, even though i neglect that wisdom with my impatience and desperation :( so dumb. well thank you again, a lot, and I really appreciate your response.
Ash
Hi Londres, sorry about the delay, it is only because it has still been stessful.
My anxiety is an old story. I've been struggling with my spiritual health for particularly the past few years now. And I refuse to take western meds for it. I feel I am addressing it spiritually thou (personal growth).
Well, yes, I am committment phobic, it is because I have become insecure for years now. Like everyone I have had insecurity issues my whole life but these past few years I have been struggling with my identity. It started with a culture shock/identy loss experience after traveling around the world on a semester at sea (study abroad).
And, I have developed this thing where I stress out if I do vigorous physical labor if and when I am already under stress or feel pressured.. where my veins in my temple area (side of forehead) will pop out and just one occasion of this may last days where I feel stressed/tension, and my veins will subside but then come back. back and forth for days until I recover. SO, this happened just recently while working for my dad and his tree business (stressful), and I didn't give myself time to heal and take care of myself. Instead I felt I had to keep going and continue to seek woman, and all these desires under stress just prolonged my stress and i am still dealing with it even though I am also always trying to take it easy and may feeling better. But this can go back and forth.
But I do anticipate options for sex, as a lot of people do I guess, but it is really only so bad because it is summer here and I go to the river alot and .. bikinis everywhere. So I think I am concentrating much more on sex, where i usually am more based on love and it just seems that if I wasn't thinking about sex i would have recovered by now from getting all stressed out working with my dad.
So sorry to keep writing but I really appreciated your response, and you wrote again. I'm thinking that casual sex can be ok, but I think my prolem is being obbsessive and getting my terms right about it!!!
I have been thinking today that maybe the bigger problem is is that I have been confused and insecure for so long and i am trying to fulfill some desires and am being desperate, espeially when I'm stressed. I think I need to recover and finally be happy with myself and then yes, my judgement will be better and things will be more clear. It's just confusing.
Thank you so much again though and please let me know if you have more advice :)
Ash
My anxiety is an old story. I've been struggling with my spiritual health for particularly the past few years now. And I refuse to take western meds for it. I feel I am addressing it spiritually thou (personal growth).
Well, yes, I am committment phobic, it is because I have become insecure for years now. Like everyone I have had insecurity issues my whole life but these past few years I have been struggling with my identity. It started with a culture shock/identy loss experience after traveling around the world on a semester at sea (study abroad).
And, I have developed this thing where I stress out if I do vigorous physical labor if and when I am already under stress or feel pressured.. where my veins in my temple area (side of forehead) will pop out and just one occasion of this may last days where I feel stressed/tension, and my veins will subside but then come back. back and forth for days until I recover. SO, this happened just recently while working for my dad and his tree business (stressful), and I didn't give myself time to heal and take care of myself. Instead I felt I had to keep going and continue to seek woman, and all these desires under stress just prolonged my stress and i am still dealing with it even though I am also always trying to take it easy and may feeling better. But this can go back and forth.
But I do anticipate options for sex, as a lot of people do I guess, but it is really only so bad because it is summer here and I go to the river alot and .. bikinis everywhere. So I think I am concentrating much more on sex, where i usually am more based on love and it just seems that if I wasn't thinking about sex i would have recovered by now from getting all stressed out working with my dad.
So sorry to keep writing but I really appreciated your response, and you wrote again. I'm thinking that casual sex can be ok, but I think my prolem is being obbsessive and getting my terms right about it!!!
I have been thinking today that maybe the bigger problem is is that I have been confused and insecure for so long and i am trying to fulfill some desires and am being desperate, espeially when I'm stressed. I think I need to recover and finally be happy with myself and then yes, my judgement will be better and things will be more clear. It's just confusing.
Thank you so much again though and please let me know if you have more advice :)
Ash
No problem.
I like people to try and make healthy choices for themselves and not choices they are going to have to pay for bady when all is said and done.
BTW: Are you seeking help for your anxiety issues? Your anxiety plays a big part in the difference between making good and bad choices.
I like people to try and make healthy choices for themselves and not choices they are going to have to pay for bady when all is said and done.
BTW: Are you seeking help for your anxiety issues? Your anxiety plays a big part in the difference between making good and bad choices.
Thank you guys so much for responding. I got the messages earlier today but waited to respond. But they were so helpful. Unfortunately I am feeling a little anxious right now and will write more later, but I wanted to write something now at least and it really did help me and make me feel a lot better. So thank you so much again and I'll write more soon....
I agree with Londres70 but I would go so far as to say
if You can or want to be so casual about sex.....
if You're not looking for Love.....
if You're not looking for a MEANINGFUL Relationship
well then.........
JUST GO SOLO!! If it's just "release"(orgasm) You could leave the girls alone and treat it as You would any other bodily function - You don't need a Woman to shower, You don't need a Woman to brush Your teeth, You don't need a Woman to shave and YOU DON'T NEED A WOMAN TO ORGASM!!
if You can or want to be so casual about sex.....
if You're not looking for Love.....
if You're not looking for a MEANINGFUL Relationship
well then.........
JUST GO SOLO!! If it's just "release"(orgasm) You could leave the girls alone and treat it as You would any other bodily function - You don't need a Woman to shower, You don't need a Woman to brush Your teeth, You don't need a Woman to shave and YOU DON'T NEED A WOMAN TO ORGASM!!
This is more of a morality question, so I am sure you will get a variety of different answers.
In my opinion, sexual encounters are ok if you are just looking to be physical with someone without any emotional attachment.....then so be it, however, the risks of transmitted diseases would have to be taken into consideration. Just based on that fact ALONE I wouldn't recommend having sexual encounters.
Your statement...."The thing is is I believe my greater self should be patient and grateful and wait for someone who I LOVE and not just run around seeking my options for sex.".....Sounds like you want something meaningful, so I would say this is the route to go. Connecting with someone sexually when you care and love them makes it so much better.
Why aren't you putting more effort into trying to meet a decent woman vs. chasing after women or trying to find women who will just "sleep" with you? Are you committment phobic?
Hormones shouldn't be controlling you; you should be controlling them.
In my opinion, sexual encounters are ok if you are just looking to be physical with someone without any emotional attachment.....then so be it, however, the risks of transmitted diseases would have to be taken into consideration. Just based on that fact ALONE I wouldn't recommend having sexual encounters.
Your statement...."The thing is is I believe my greater self should be patient and grateful and wait for someone who I LOVE and not just run around seeking my options for sex.".....Sounds like you want something meaningful, so I would say this is the route to go. Connecting with someone sexually when you care and love them makes it so much better.
Why aren't you putting more effort into trying to meet a decent woman vs. chasing after women or trying to find women who will just "sleep" with you? Are you committment phobic?
Hormones shouldn't be controlling you; you should be controlling them.
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