Is marriage for me? Is there something wrong with me?

[awaitingpeace80]

Hello all, I am a married mother and I am not so sure if I am cut out for marriage. Here is my story, I have been with my husband for 11 years and married 6 of the 11 years, throughout which has not been perfect by any means. Whenever I present a problem to my husband, he likes to argue with me about whatever the issue is, it could be, who is going to do something or when something is going to get finished. He refuses to do it, we have had financial hardships because he refuses to face problems. Whenever I want to confront a problem, he argues with me and makes me so frustrated just want to leave him!!! I am getting to old to argue with him about every single problem we have. I want peace in my family and married life. We have been to two different counselors and he fixes the problem temporarily then it's back to  square one.

[specialmom]

Well, marriage is hard work.  No doubt about it.  And when we try to make a change such as breaking patterns and habits in our communication, it takes resilience and dedication to make long term change.  Do you continue to practice the things you learned in therapy?  That is the key.  Not getting complacent again and letting our new bag of tools drop.  

No, I don't think a couple should bicker and fight constantly as that would be miserable for everyone.  Some people never manage to work it out.  I don't think they have to stay together forever if they are unhappy.  But when kids are involved, I do think it is worth the best effort to save things that we can give.  Both partners have to commit to that though.  

So, I'm not sure what your question is but I do think some couples can try and try and try and eventually figure it out while others can't.  Where you fall in that, time will tell.  If you are still able to, for your child's sake, I'd give it another try.  Counseling that helped temporarily is a good sign.  

And sometimes actually telling someone ahead of time what you are looking for helps.  If you are presenting a problem and just want him to listen---------  tell him "please don't try to fix this or argue with me.  I'm just sharing how I feel with you.  Thanks".  That might help.  

Let us know how it goes and what you end up doing.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

You said you are a married mother.  Is the child (or are the children) this guy's kids?  If so, you two really owe it to them to try hard together to change the pattern of constant bickering.  If he simply won't change, then for the kids again, I'd consider leaving.  They deserve a role model for relationships that is better than you're describing.

[missfiveday]

I'm not married but my hubby and I have been together for almost 9 years.  We have a 4 year old child, and we have many unresolved issues because instead of discussing them in a calm fashion my husband gets defensive and we end up arguing until one of us walks away.  We say uber hateful things to each other in the heat of the moment.  Even tho we take it back later on.  It's very stressful on children to go through.   I Also feel that it all has to do with how we grew up and how our parents dealt with marriage issues.

[specialmom]

missfiveday, I'm glad you see the destructive nature of how you and hubs handle conflict.  That is the first step to changing it.  What you describe can become a habit.  Next time, as you feel yourself getting agitated, walk away then before the hateful things come out.  Make an agreement that you both will do that.  It should have a better outcome.  And if you feel the hateful things must come out, write it on a piece of paper and then get rid of it.  
good luck

[teko]

Marriage is tough and personally not sure it is worth the sacrafice. However, with that said, you are in one, have made the decision to be in it and now must learn how to cope in it. How we handle opposing views is a choice. We choose to argue or walk away. Walking away is the toughest thing in the world to do, but is also the least harmful, then you can come back at a later time after you have calmed down to address the situation. You both know how to push each others buttons and are in the habit of doing it too. Do you want to hurt and lash out at each other or do you want solutions. Your answer will determine how you can resolve the problems or not. Marriage evolves, people evolve, and situations are constantly changing. We must learn to adapt and grow and that makes marriage a work in progress on a daily basis. Good luck.

[awaitingpeace80]

Teko, no one is pushing buttons we disagree and the argument is not as graphic as you think it is. lol! I am just frustrated and tired of it. I am usually the quiet one in the argument and usually telling him to leave me alone. It is a work in progress.

[missfiveday]

Is there any kind of addiction involved?  I know alot of the time my hubby tries cutting out tobacco, he gets mood swings and won't walk away from me.. It's alot of work and sometime it seems easier to walk away, especially if tempted by your old lifestyle.  But the grass isn't always greener on the otherside!!

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[awaitingpeace80]

Yes missfiveday, there is an addiction to alcohol and tobacco. My husband does not feel that he is but he sneeks in the alcohol and tobacco so he does not have to hear my mouth. I don't mind him drinking a little every now and then to relax, but he over does it sometimes and does not realize it. When I tell him that he drinks way to much alcohol he starts referring to his tolerance level. My husband also has a rare condition called Sarcoidosis which has affected his lungs, so I really don't like to see him using anything. So that also gets to him so I try to say as little as possible about his bad habits. Sometimes it seems like he is just upset at me for nothing which is really hard to deal with and really stresses me out. It seems like your husband and my husband have a few things in common, he goes through mood swings more than I do. I am the woman with ever changing hormone levels, I am supposed to be the one that is moody. I am glad that I am not and that I have this forum to vent to. ;-)

[specialmom]

Ugh.  Well, that is a hard situation.  Would you guess that your husband has some depression?  Would he be willing to figure that out with a doctor?  I know you've mentioned these bouts of therapy and things being alright and then it goes back to the same old way.  What about a contract?  Each of you put into writing what you are willing to do in the marriage.

But moody is very hard to live with. Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde is a royal pain in the butt when you are faced with it day in and day out.  My own husband has some anxiety/depression issues and goes through periods like that.  He doesn't have to open his mouth and I can tell if he is in a bad mood or a good mood.  His aura says it all.  When he is in a bad mood I call him either the grim reaper or Eeyore which I'm sure he doesn't like but that is how it feels.  What has really helped and made it much better is his own awareness.  He figured out (with a little help) that he carried his stress from work home from him, that he didn't deal well when something completely unrelated to me or home was bothering him-----  but I was there, so I got the brunt of it.  He does a "leave it at the door" thing now.  Where when he touches the front door to come in---------  he thinks "I'm away from work.  Leave the stress there."  And then he steps through the door without the baggage of his work day.  That has helped him-------- just visualizing that and taking the time before walking in our door to let things that stress him out that are not home related go while at home.  I encourage him to go exercise when in a "mood" which helps a lot.  I try to stay even and calm with him when I'm upset at a mood----------  and that helps.  But his own awareness and desire to not be like that is the key to it all.  Your husband has to want to change.

The alcohol is a bit of a problem though.  If you believe your husband is an alcoholic, all bets are off.  That becomes the focus of what you should try to conquer.  I'd hit an al anon meeting, and work on him getting sober.  And if he goes over the top with drinking sometimes, then he will probably have to stop completely.  In the mean time if this is too much to work on now, ask him to cut back.  Here are some tips-----------  ask him to limit his drinking to 2 drinks only.  Ask him to drink a big water or pop or something in between the two.  Ask him to change up habits that lead to drinking (football is always beer night----  make a good non alcoholic drink for him instead).  Ask him to never ever drive if he's had even one drink.  That he has to call you to get him.  Ask him to never lie to you about it.  If he lies, it is a sign of a problem and then he'll have to give up drinking completely.  So then maybe he won't lie if he knows at this point, you are asking him to cut way down.  If he doesn't do the 2 drink thing---------- chart it.  You could also ask him to pay you 50 bucks every time he over does it.  All of this sounds kooky probably, but these are ways I've seen others cut down on drinking.

Wow---------  I am going on and on.  Sorry.  I'll go get my coffee now!  good luck

[missfiveday]

My mom has sarcoidosis as well.  
On the husband front, feel free to vent... Your life sounds alot like mine.  How is his relationship with your children?  

[awaitingpeace80]

@specialmom, I think he is depressed but I am afraid to tell him what I think and I also feel as though I may be wasting my breathe telling him my opinion again. Most of the time, when I give him my opinion it leads to a disagreement. I am going to give the counseling a shot for the third time. I am getting a referral from my doctor for counseling, so until then I plan on keeping my mouth shut. I try to get him to leave the work problems at the door also but he doesn't, people are calling him on his work phone 24-7 it seems like. So work is constantly following him home. I asked him to turn the phone off when he comes home, but he refuses because "someone may have a question or need something".

[awaitingpeace80]

@missfiveday, his relationship with the children is okay, but he does not volunteer his time to them much. He was taking them to karate twice a week but the sessions were to late for the kids and myself, they were from 6-7PM. The kids would be to tired to get up in the morning for school and I work odd hours. After the kids karate, he would want me to pick them up and I would be tired also. I asked him to get the kids in an earlier class and he hasn't even looked into it. In the meantime, I don't let the kids go (because their rest and school is much more important than karate right now) but he is still going to karate and is mad that I don't let the kids go so late. To me it seems as though he's really inconsiderate because he doesn't get the kids up and drop them off to school every morning so I don't think he understands how lack of sleep affects children and as I said before, I cannot give my opinion because of the disagreement it always leads to. I don't yell at him or tell him off when we disagree, so I will keep my mouth shut until we go for counseling.

[specialmom]

This is just so hard.  I hear the relationship issues just in what you've written here.  You can't broach difficult topics with him due to not wanting yet another argument so no communication is preferrable. Ugh.  And not working as a team on things regarding the karate class and I'm sure a million other things.  

I am glad you are doing the counseling but do worry about these deep rooted problems.  His drinking being one of them.  Depression another.  And inability to communicate effectively for both.  And sadly, so much water under the bridge at this point.  I always have hope but as you know, this will take a lot of work.  And for your kids sake, I do hope that it works out.  

Let us know how counseling goes.  I wish you all the best, peace in your heart and good luck.