Emotional abuse

[loribell981]

My ex-husband (we were married twenty years) was a text book case of a narcissistic emotional abuser.  He left me ten years ago for one of his grilfriends.  My life with him involved sexual abuse, sabotaging every hope or dream I had, never keeping a promise,  destroying our son's emotional well  being with hurtful words and physical threats as well as abuse.  Sabotaging our finances was also a rather clever way of controlling the money because I was in charge of the finances.  I couldn't tell you how many times he would get mad about something and the next thing I knew he was overdrawing our checking account and of course blaming me.  Since then at least by appearances he has turned over a new leaf.  We are both remarried but he is now living the life I had wanted to make with him.  The life he used to mock me about.  He still is not much of a father to our son who is 28 years old and living on disability but he treats his new wife like a queen.  Meanwhile I am even disgusted by myself for my lack of character and drive.  I went back to school and have failed the same class twice.  I used to be an A student and now I feel all the judgement and contempt I used to get from him still ringing in my head.  Anxiety attacks almost every day.  I can no longer keep a job or balance my checking account.  Even though once upon a time I had my check book balanced to the penny and went to work everyday and receive many awards for my performance.  It's like we switched rolls in life.  How did I end up like a lifeless puppet because he stopped pulling the strings?  I am more sellfish than I have ever been in my entire life.  I don't like who I am at all.  What the Hell happened?  And I didn't mention this but I'm now frigid at the ripe age of 47.

[AnnieBrooke]

I am all for you lifting yourself up, and talking to the therapist about the whole cycle.  However, a man could not have conditioned you as completely as you describe if there was not a starting point in your own psychology, probably from your younger years (before you met him).  If a guy started trying the kind of tricks you describe on my big sister, for example (she is the kind of person who would put the fear of God into anyone who messed with her), it simply would not have penetrated.  So when you do talk to a counselor, while it is important to go over all the negative messages he indoctrinated you with, it is also significant for the therapist to talk about why you let such messages in right at the beginning.  (I understand why you would have after a while -- repetition by your husband would be persuasive after a certain while.  But why did the first time work, and the second?)  So look for a therapist who understands that it might not be all about him being the big bad overpowering one and you being the weak victim, it might also be that you had a small soft spot for that kind of message even before you met him.  And both that original tendency that was somehow programmed into you much earlier, and then the later, insidious and negative messages that reinforced it, are something to work on.  You are not in fact destined to be or doomed to be a victim.  You can come out of this, and look back it as a horrible dream, if you work on it with a good and supportive counselor.

As for how to find one, ask people like your doctor for referrals.  My doctor's nurse is really up on who is good in the local medical field, through her I found a great pediatrician and some other help.  Also ask your friends (if they are in therapy) who is good and especially, who is supportive.  If you go to an appointment and it seems like the therapist is one who tries to "challenge" you into awareness, move on to another.

Good luck, you can do it.

[loribell981]

Thank you for your thoughts.  I admit when I saw I had received a response I started to cry.  I thought people were going to judge me for holding on to my anger for so long.   The responses have all been very kind and helpful.  I have been in therapy (the first three years after the divorce).and I am ready to try it again but  I just told them all the stories of what he had done but understanding this sycle of emotions wasn't really addressed.   I've taken anitdepressants and antianxiety medications both separately and together.  It's strange.  I will choose to feel good about myself.  I get to a point where I'm functioning at a certain level then when I try to move to the next level I choke.  I feel I suppose shame.  It's like I don't deserve it because I'm only pretending to be smart or sincere or a good person.  I'll answer nearly every single question in class and then if there is a discussion between my classmates I'm always afraid they will learn I'm not the kind of person they want to know or I'm not as smart as I'm pretending.  If I do speak I replay the conversation in my mind and cringe at anything I may have said that could be construed as rude or worry if I had misspoken about something in the conversation.   I''ve gone into tests that I knew the material and then fail the test because I didn't have enough time to read the questions.   I'll have an anxiety attack without any understanding of what the trigger is.other than I was starting to feel a little confident.  Then I get angry and depressed all over again.  
I believe I've earned the right to be confident and I deserve to have self esteem but feeling it causes me pressure that leads to anxiety.  I believe this is because that every time something good happened to me my ex would destroy or ruin it.  Example, I worked two years 70-80 hours a week to save up to build a house.  Our house was in a bad neighborhood and my kids were being bullied in school.  We bought a piece of ground and just when I was ready to start talking to a builder he tells me there was no way he was going to move,  He actually told me he never had any intentions of getting that house.  I don't want to bore you with so many details but while I was saving and paying off debts he was buying man toys and hiding them at his brother's house.   He then put me on the defense.  He told me I had lived with him long enough that I should have realized how he was feeling without him having to tell me.  Not only that but he wasn't sure about how he really felt about me because all I ever "wanted" to do was work and wasn't any fun and since I was working so much the house was a mess what I really needed to do was concentrate on my family if I loved them so much.  The marriage lasted I think another 5 years but that is an example of how twisted things could become.  It made no sense that he would buy a piece of ground and lie to me about living there and then accuse me of not being smart enough to realize he didn't want it in the first place.  I couldn't even control a situation with reason and logic.  I wasn't going to be able to keep up the pace and I wasn't going to be able to get a new home without his help and if the marriage fell apart we might actually end up in a worse place so I just dealt with it.  I feel like one of Pavlov's dogs that somehow he conditioned to have certain neurological and physiological responses if I start to feel confident.  I want to move forward and I have made steps but there have got to be other women like me.  I have seen many web sites on the damage of emotional abuse and the answer is to leave the abuser and get counceling but I don't have any information on what long term effects can look or feel like,  Also How have they personally worked through it?  It's not just the anger its the insecurities and I don't understand why I react the way I do or how more therapy will help.  Without that how will I recognize a good therapist?  I swear, this is not the kind of person I used to be.  I had never held a grudge against anyone in my entire life.  
  
Once again I thank everyone for taking the time to help me and I am familiar with the one author recommended by one of the posters.  I will look for more of her work.

[mammo]

Your ex-husband did exactly what he set out to do......destroy your self confidence.  Don't allow his treatment of you to define who and what you are today.  I know that emotional abuse if often harder to overcome than physical abuse, so this is not an easy task.  Understand that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors in your ex's marriage....I doubt he's changed much, if at all.  Be glad he is out of your life, and try to lay down the anger and walk away, allowing God to deal with him.  Time is too precious to spend it on the past.  I understand your hurt where your son is concerned, but he caused him a lot of pain in the past and being in his life now may not be a good thing.  I think you are very capable of being the woman you once were!  Right now your mind is going in so many directions that you just can't concentrate, making it difficult to do well at everything you want to.  You lost 20 years to this man, it's time to let go, especially of the anger.  You're not alone, many of us have been thru this..... so know it can be done.  Start doing things you enjoy in life, see your friends, start anew.  Your ex will never be happy....these types never are, but he's no longer your problem and now you can accomplish anything you want!  By letting go of the past and your anger, you are no longer his victim and can move forward with your life.  He's still pulling your strings.....break free of this and move on.  Get into therapy to learn how to best do this.  You have a life to live, and will find the kind of happiness you deserve and want.  Decide today to no longer be his victim and start moving forward.  We're all pulling for you!  Best wishes and take care.

[29sillygirl]

Emotional abuse is a condition we have to get over.  You have made a good start by going  to school.  Now, I believe you would benefit from a few sessions with a counselor.

None of us is stupid.  Believe that.  All of us who escaped an emotionally abusive marriage feel unsure of ourselves...low on self confidence.

You will get past this.  And definitely stop giving the ex your valuable time and energy.  Many of us vent in MH....great place for that.  But.  And, really, after 20 yrs of marriage, you cant just erase the guy.  I put in 21 yrs with an insecure, controlling man....raised 4 kids...and had to leave when he refused to let me go to school.  

I bet there are groups of women creating a new life in your area.  Check around....see if you can get to a therapist...maybe a counselor on campus...there is nothing like finding out you are not alone.  

Best to you....

[nursegirl6572]

I agree with the other posters, it's time to move on.  You've spent enough time and wasted energy on this jerk.  It's been ten years, you owe it to yourself to put this behind you and get on with your own life.  Therapy would definitely help with that.  A lot of what you are going through is thanks to your ex.  He robbed you of your self confidence and you still continue to suffer.

I know it's easier said than done right now...but with some help and time, you'll get to the point where you won't CARE what kind of life he's living or how wonderfully he's treating his wife.  Incidentally, people like him rarely change, so you can't assume everything is so wonderful with his new wife.  He is most likely subjecting her to the same crap he put you through, she may just be good at putting on a good front.  Really, though...who cares?  I know you do, and that's okay, it's why you need to get some help to be able to move forward.  You deserve better.  You're a young woman and you have a new life ahead of you.  Him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you.  You'll see that one day.

There's a saying that is so true in situations like this..."living well is the best revenge".

Let us know how you're doing!

[Devonlee]

Therapy definitley and stop obsessing about this man. He is your EX husband. He shouldnt be in your life at all (especially since your son is 28) it isnt like you have to share custody. Stop dwelling on the past and get urself together. You deserve a good life especially after what you went through but only YOU can make it good. Talk to your dr and see a therapist to start with. Stop talking about your ex.....who cares what his life is like anyway? It isnt your life anymore. Be proactive and concentrate on you and whats going on right now not on him and your past! Good luck with everything....

[AnnieBrooke]

Any way to get some therapy?  It would help a lot.

[plomeli]

Well I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds to me like you have a lot of recentment and anger towards you ex husband and you are letting it consume you. I really think you would benifit from therapy so you can overcome this. Just think about it for a second if he was such a horrible person thank God he is out of your life and dont give him the satisfaction of accomplishing what he set out to do to you. I feel really bad for your son but remember that your ex is not getting away with anything...and I dont believe for a second that he has changed dont believe that he treats his new wife so well people like that only "pretend" then their real side comes out. Don't  be disgusted with yourself we all fail classes I was never able to pass algebra lol. Maybe you got used to the way he was treating you and now you are doing it to yourself. I am going to suggest a book called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay it explains how we learn since childhood to not to love ourselves. Then we attract bad things and bad people into our lives, you have to be patient with yourself and love yourself sooo much because you are worthy of love and deserve it. Make sure you get some therapy so that you can learn how to deal with this and turn your life around, and not let anything similar to this happen again... we repeat patterns. Maybe you need some medication to help with your anxiety or maybe you just need to excercise! I am positive that you can do this, do it for your son because he will learn from your example. Just let go of the past, stop giving your ex any more power over you or your life!!! Good luck.... keep me posted! P.S. My mother inlaw was married for 40  years and got a divorce two years ago. She learned how to drive and got a job for the first time in her life.  She was forced to be a housewife because her husband was paranoid and thought she would cheat on him. She was 58 years old when she got a divorce and decided that she had suffered enough!!! It's never too late to be happy.