Why can't I just get over it?

[lovemykids1970]

Hello. I'm back. Could not remember my account name or password so had to start a new one. (Lovemykids465). So things are going well for my hubby & I. Back story - in 09 I found out he was having an emotional affair with a co worker who was 18 years younger then him. It did not cross to physical but was headed that way before he broke it off. But two days after he broke it off I found out. I was devistated . We have two special needs children, four kids total, so there is and was a lOt of stress.  Then a year later I find texts from another woman. Almost a year to the day. I confronted both of them . Found oUt it was just friends But flirty and he was hiding it as well as she from her husband. We went into counseling and worked things out. It really took a lot for me to trust but had to learn to not keep beating him up for it, so I did. Then in 012 my best friend who I confided in tried to break us up. She was hitting on him so he decided to pull away but did not tell me why. I knew because I know her and could read her but it caused my hubby & I to fight b/c he tried once again to hide it from me and when I would tell him how I did not want her around if I was not he would tell me I should have more faith in him lol. Of course he finally told me, I confronted her , her husband freaked out on us and needless to say we are no longer friends. Then in July of 13 I had his phone when he got a. Text from another woman. I freaked but we were on vaca w extended fam so could not do much. Plus moving son to college and dealing with ill child. I finally did leave and it landed him in an emotional health hospital for a week for depression and suicidal thoughts. We have a son with emotional disorder and this threw him so I came back and we went back to counseling. 9 monts later we are doing great. He is completely transparent with me. He is going above and beyond. BUT even though when we are together I am fine and I enjoy how he is really emotionally invested in US, I still battle with the thought of what happened. The last five years have been hell. Also dealing with a child with physical disability and youngest with mental. I feel I have gotten the short end of the stick. Not with kids but with him. For him it is over, he knows what a jerk he was and so on, but I can't forget. I forgive but the pain runs so deep. It is not fair. Everyday I have to make the concise decision to push it aside, smile and be the wife and mom they all need. I wish I could forget and no matter how much I say I am beginning to trust, whenever he is late or on his phone, the computer or texting my mind goes there. Ugh! You know the minde  eraser in the movie men in black? Yep, I need one.

[lovemykids1970]

Thank you. We are in marriage counseling and you are right, when we first go together our relationship was very sexually charged. I was the bad girl who needed rescuing he was the all American good boy, even when the kids were young things were good but then our youngest came along who is on the autism spectrum and our second child ( 10 years ago now) became ill and has been getting worse over time. I poured myself into them, yes still there for husband but not like before. We use to go out every weekend and I attended every one of his baseball and basketball games but with the kids illness I was not able to do as much as before. Plus I became resentful that he still had a life and I was working part time, running the kids to dr, therapy and counseling on top of caring for other kids and the home so we began to fight a lot. I do take ownership in the first situation. The second, the woman told me that he would talk to her about how he knew what he did was wrong but how I would always throw it up in his face ( this is true, we fought terrible for a year. We really should have separated then and got individual as well as marriage council, it was at this time that  our 8 year olds behavior became worse and I know it was the effect of being in this environment. ) but I just could not believe that he once again was hiding a friendship with female from me. She admitted to me that she was having marriage issues and they would talk to each other about it but that  a bond was being formed. After this one we went into marriage counsel and we started dating again, the situation with my friend did not rock me much b/c it was her not him. Last one was the worse b/ c I thought I was doing everything possible , everything he asked of me and he said I was. Things were real bad with our daughter, we almost lost her a few times. He was angry and bitter, about life. We see now he was battling depression . Seeing he could not fix our family he would get sucked into trying to help others. But they were always young attractive woman. He admitted he was flattered that they were interested in him. I now have all his pass words and such. I have been doing a bit better since I posted the other day. I guess just getting it out helps. I still check up on him and hold my breath every time afraid of what I will find. I just can't wait for the day that I no longer feel the need tondo this.

[helpplease8888]

Also, my uncle cheated on my aunt so she slept in a different room for a few months. They seem fine now, but I'm sure the thought still lingers in her head. My ex cheated on me, emotionally and sexually, with another girl and the pain is still there (not as much as before though). I get jealous a bit easier now when this guy I am talking to talks about other chicks so I'm afraid I might have some trust issues in my next relationship. I shouldn't though because he has given me nothing to worry about.

The pain will take time to heal. It will take a while for you to trust him again. He has to prove to you that you can trust him.

Sorry for writing a lot. It makes me sad how things like this happen. I hope everything gets better!

[helpplease8888]

Get some marriage counseling? Have you two done anything romantic since you've had kids? Maybe he's missing that spark and needs that back so that's why he's talking to other women. Do something fun, sweet or sexy to get it back… whatever you two did when you first met. Try talking to him and asking him what he needs, and then tell him what you need in the relationship as well. People change. I had a professor who had a few kids with her first husband. He cheated on her and she forgave him the first time. The second time he cheated, it killed her inside and she didn't want to leave him because they had kids together, but she did. She is a lot happier now and has come to forgive him since it is unhealthy to not do so. I'm not telling you to get a divorce but you should do whatever is best for you and your kids. Please pay attention to your son as well because I'm sure he needs you.  I hope whatever you do makes you and your family happier. I hope I did not say anything to offend you.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Hi LoveMyKids,
I SO remember You!! (I DO, I DO!!) and my heart is heavy for all that You have (and do) endure!!

Regards,
Tink