Mom and me not getting along...

[vix8]

My mom is going through menopause, but she has been for the last 5 years I think. She has type A personality, she is super stressed out, and she has been on and off anti-depressants. She recently has been in a major fight with her sister where they did not talk for a long period, and her mother (my Nana) almost died. Lately we have not been getting along and it's getting worse. Yesterday she flipped out on me for the stupidest reason! She actually hit me, and I ended up hitting her back, and my dad had to stop it. I had a nap because I got up at 5am that morning, and I left my bed unmade, pillows on the floor, and like two outfits on the floor. Other than that my room is spotless! She comes over while I'm doing homework and starts screaming at me, calling me a pig, slob, and that I do nothing around the house. Truth is... if I vacuum, she re-vacuums. My dad, sister, and me hardly do chores, because my mom will just re-do them all, but then she gets mad when we do nothing. But we always do our own personal chores, such as keeping room clean, put away own dishes, ect. Our house is seriously spotless, and she always goes on about how messy and dirty it is. But I don't think it's at a level where you would call her obsessive compulsive. I think it's just her type A personality.

I'm actually going insane living with her though. I feel like I can't get stuff done because she always is complaining and starting fights with me. I'm a sensitive person, and once I have a fight with someone, I'm down for the rest of the day. I also feel like her negative qualities are starting to reflect onto me. I've noticed that I sometimes act like she does with my boyfriend. Making assumptions, being a pessimist, and that nothing is ever good enough. I swear I used to never be like that. I used to be super chill, and always looked on the bright side. I think I may be acting this way because my mom is constantly putting me down with my school. I go to university to paint, and she is always pressuring me what I'm going to do after school. She says art will get me no where in life. I'm starting to believe it, and I'm starting to feel like I'm wasting my time with everything I'm doing. My boyfriend is 4 years younger than me. And my mom says that he is too young for me. I'm starting to believe that my life is going to be put on hold a few years down to road, meaning that I will have to wait for my boyfriend to catch up. I seriously am starting to feel like a nobody. Just some person on this planet. But I also feel that my boyfriend brings back my adolescent-hood. Something I never really had, because I was miserable during it. My boyfriend is also the exact same person as me, but I find he is like a super version of me. We have the exact same thoughts, but his seem to be more advanced than mine and it fascinates me, because he can make sense of all my thoughts for me. I feel like he makes me understand myself better, and he is the only person who encourages me in life.

I just feel like me and moms relationship is falling apart. I feel like I have to avoid her so that her negative qualities won't shape me as a person. I want a good and healthy relationship with her, but I don't know what to do. I've explained to her calmly and politely various times of how she is making me feel and she gets so offensive. I always tell her she needs to calm down and talk to me like a human being and to stop yelling at me and that if she has a problem then she can talk to me, not scream. I feel like the more we keep living, the more me and the rest of my family avoid her, and then the more she gets depressed because she doesn't feel appreciated. Someone please help :(.

[vix8]

I'll definitely give that a try

[brice1967]

Let me suggest something else.  The last 4 words of your last reply were, "I am trying harder".  What I suggest is, immerse yourself into your studies and your art, and DON"T try so hard.  Just let it happen.  Make every decision a conscious decision, but do not dwell on anything and do not over think things.

Good luck and relax a little.  

[Londres70]

Glad to hear things are a bit better for you.  

[vix8]

She's totally a perfectionist! Type A personality for sure. Anxiety and depression tend to run on my moms side of the family, so I think she has menopause pretty bad. Your right, there is nothing worse than hating what you do it life. You actually reminded me of the attitude I once, that somewhat faded off as the years went on after I got accepted into art school, thanks. It's hard to keep focus when so many people put you down. My mom wanted me to be a dentist actually, but I would never be interested in that. I've been making my bed everyday since this post, so far so good. I made dinner for everyone tonight, so I am trying harder!

[brice1967]

The ladies above are wise beyond their years and always give super sound advice.

The few things that caught my attention where that your mom sounds to be a bit of a perfectionist.  If she isn't a perfectionist, she may be a little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  My dad was all of that, and I could never measure up.  I had this very unrealistic view of what my dad thought I should be doing.  (His views were unrealistic, but I compounded this all in my own mind.)  The fact of the matter is, I can only be me, you can only be you, your mom can only be your mom, and there's not a thing we can do about any of it.

As for menopause.... I know nothing about it.  My mom went through it, but mom was real easy to get along with.  For the most part, I stayed out of her hair and didn't cause he much trouble, so perhaps the change in life was easier for her.... who knows.

About your career path.... chase it for all its worth.  A degree in art can lead you in many directions, and any one of them would keep you doing what you love.... there is nothing better than that, and there is nothing worse than being stuck doing something you hate for the rest of your life.... nothing!  

Mom may have wanted you to be a lawyer or a doctor.  If you've got no interest, why go that route?  Keep in mind, success is measured in more ways than just financial rewards.  If you can pay your bills, maybe tuck some money aside, become and stay self sufficient, and enjoy what you are doing???? YOU are successful.

Try to see things from your mothers side, and remember that it is her house.  Her house, her rules.... bottom line.  As long as you are there, you get to play be her rules.  Make the most of it.

[vix8]

Thanks so much, you ladies were helpful!

[specialmom]

Yes, good advice from Londres.  In speaking of your career------  and independence that you seek--------- it is absolutely essential to think of what you can do with your talents that will make an income to live on.  Yep, we all have to think that way.  I was interested in interior design as my field of study but after that conversation with my dad, I realized how hard it would be to find a paying job out of college and went a different avenue.  Now, I"m I still love interior design and dabble in it but make a lucrative living elsewhere.  I was completely financially independent upon graduating college as I started working immediately.  I think this is so important to think about.  That is real life.  

If you can use your art to make a living ------- awesome!  My niece is in graphic design school where she is using her artistic talents.  You could become an art teacher with an education degree tacked onto it.  Etc.  I'm just saying that I hope you can make a living at whatever your art is and sometimes that requires thinking outside the box.

But I can not fault a parent that brings this up to their kids.  It is real life and planning what you can do to be independent is important.  Especially when you don't like living in your mom's house!!  good luck

[Londres70]

Specialmom gave some good advice as well.

Your mother doesn't sound paranoid, just a mother going through menopause.  

Like I stated in my post this is a rite of passage for all young people I think.

You can talk to her, but you CAN'T change her and it is her house.  

I think you should try to become more independent and make your own way.  You are 20.   I think the real issue here is you needing independence.  

[vix8]

Yea she has been on hormone pills as well, she's currently not taking anything. I'm wondering if all these pills she keeps getting off and on is causing her to worsen. She's acting paranoid too. I'll try to joke around with her and scare her behind a corner and she gets mad, and says it makes her too jumpy. She is a concerned mom! No doubt about that. She even uses that word to tell me she is concerned. Sometimes I feel babied by her, and I'm 20 years old. I feel like I lack a bit independence because of it. I don't know how to do laundry... because she won't let me do it. I do understand she is concerned with me, but I don't think she understands that some of the comments she makes hurt me. In my opinion I think a various of lifestyles can work, and I feel as though she's "cutting up" mine. Her way is always the right way apparently. I feel like if I do move out, things would be better, but I can't move out at this time and she wouldn't let me do it anyways. I'm not sure if i can afford a therapist either.

I do realize that I have bad points as well. I can be stubborn and procrastinate a lot if I want to, and my mom is an everything has to be done right now kinda person. We definitely clash in that area. It's not that I don't clean my room, I just like to do it at a more convenient time, or after I relax from coming home from school. I've also offered to help her, and she just sighs and brushes it off. I don't know how to help her or what needs to be done in the house because everything is already cleaned. And she won't tell me what needs to be done. The keeping my room clean under her house makes sense. I guess I can work harder to keep it clean under her schedule, I find it hard to change my habits though. My dad actually supports my art, as he is a piano player with his own piano tuning business. His whole family is artistic and they are all making a fine living. There is actually different things you can do in art with my degree I will be getting, not just be an artist. My mom isn't artistic at all and never went to college/university, so she gets very upset because she doesn't want me to be a stay at home mom. Truth is, I kinda want to be a stay at home mom with a part time job. I'm not very career orientated. But I'm not completely shutting myself away from that option, as I don't know where my future will take me.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm sorry you are going through a rough time with your mom.  That is a special relationship------ the mother daughter one and we just don't feel balanced when we are at odds with them, do we?  

I'm sure your mom has good points and bad points . . . AS do you.  We all do and as said above, we are all human.  You say yourself that your mom is going through a stressful period and so her behavior is more extreme right now.  I think one approach is to tell her that you realize she might be a bit stressed out and ask her if she needs anything from you. Tell her you'll help if you can.  

Now with your complaints of her------- this may seem like something you don't want to do.  But it is really helpful to present yourself on her side.  If she is using you as her stress reliever (someone to yell at or blow off steam to)----- tell her that you understand she is going through a rough time and is upset and you would like to help her but to not use you in that way.  

What is tricky is that you are an adult living in her home.  That means you DO have to live with her rules and the way she is.  If she wants you to vacuum----- whether she does it again or not, vacuum.  If she wants your bed made------ make it.  This is her home you are living in.  Some day you will be on your own and able to run the house however you see fit.  Until then, you do have to do it her way.  Just the way it goes.  My mother was a clean fanatic as well------  I felt like it was my room and I should keep it how I wanted.  But . . . it was my room in HER house.  My mom is dead and buried now so that all seems silly in retrospect.  Keep in perspective that this is just a period of time in your life.

Now, I will tell you that I wanted to do something very different with my career and my dad sat me down to tell me about the real world. It is full of bills and not so fun things to think of.  Rats.  Now, I did think about this and I altered my plan so that I had a career path that I'd be able to sustain my financial independence.  I don't want to thwart anyone's dream----- do think of how you can use your art to make an immediate income though.  

So, get through a difficult time like any other and wait for better times.  They are coming, I promise.

[Londres70]

Is she taking her anti-depressants now and/or in therapy?  Did this all start with the menopause?  BTW:  Menopause, uggg.  I am going through it too.  Your hormones make you feel like you are on a rollercoster ride.  Is she taking any hormone replacements?  Sometimes that is more beneficial than anti-depressants.  

Some of the comments your mother has made towards you sound like she is just being a concerned mom, i.e. about life/career goals and your bf.  I don't see anything negative or terrible about that.  With that being said, I think you are mixing a "concerned mother's" comments with her occasional  "over the top" behavior.  The cleaning sounds a bit excessive.  Plus, she has had her share of issues with her mother and her sister.  

My mother was the same way and over time I came to the conclusion she isn't going to change any time soon, so I moved out to my own place because I was ready to be independent anyways.  That turned out to be the best thing I could have done.  Over time she became "softer" and things were great between us.  Over time I realized my mother wasn't trying to be this "evil, pessimistic" person I thought she was.  She was being a "concerned" mother who always wanted the best for me.  Plus, she shared with me that she was going through some things at that time that she couldn't talk about then.    

Have you ever tried talking to a therapist about all this?  Wouldn't hurt if you can do this.

Parents are human too.  Sometimes they are going through rough patches and don't make this known to their children for whatever reason or reasons.  Unfortunately, it manifests itself into "over the top" behavior.