HELP iam married and in love with another man

[anavalencia]

hi  before i ask my questions i wanna give a little on me.. when i was in middle school i dated a guy named jimmy on and off through out high school. i was so in love with him but always felt like he was too good he was in band and ROTC and all kinds of things and was super busy to keep a high school relationship we broke up and after i met my husband. we worked with my dad and my dad and other family members urged me to meet him. i liked him he was sweet and quiet. my mom was having problems at home and couldnt afford our rent when i told my then boyfriend he said if i moved in with him it would be less for my mom.. we had only seen each other 3 times but talked on the phone for over 3 months.. we thought we were in love and i moved in with him. 4 months later i became pregnant at the age of 17. we started to argue and fight over silly things. we couldn't afford our own place now that i was pregnant so we moved in with my mom, the arguments continued and when the twins were born
things got worse i went through postpartum depression and he blamed me and said i was just lazy.. things continued on the same path when the twins were 6 months old he had to leave to mexico for a family emergency left  me without money and with  the two kids. my family helped me out and 3 months later he returned and things spun out of control. his family had told him i was cheating while he was in mexico and he stated beating me.he would beat me with his belt and smack me punch me and all in between. i was miserable my mom told me to stay with him so i did. i am Mexican so a whole lot of people in family wouldn't approve of a separation under any circumstances. things got worse he was beating me for any and all reason.. i grew tired and one day packed my stuff and my sons and told him i was leaving. he was so mad he continued to beat me and injured my ribs and have to go the ER, of course we lied and said i had fallen of the steps. he felt so bad that he promised to change, and i believed him. we moved got our own house our own car the beatings didnt return. hes a good dad he works hard and he tries to make it work but i cant go out without permission im not allowed guy friends and sometimes when he looses it well return to the beatings.. i dont wanna take my sons father away hes a great dad hes never hit me in front of them. just recently i came into contact with my old school love jimmy. we talked one day when my husband was working and he says that i get a divorce he'll marry me and be a good dad to my kids who are now 3  iam 21 and so is jimmy. my husband is 24. in some way i feel like i might ruin jimmy's life. and iam scared of what to say to my husband or even of what to do. please give me advice iam cimpletely confused i love jimmy but iam so scared.

[deadmemory]

You know, it took me a long time to forgive myself. I was at work when my 12 w old was taken from me. I will leave out further detail, I just want to say there is NO MAN more important than our babies. And I read this post late last night, so I think you got out...

You're kids and yourself deserve an abuse free life..
Remember, God is good!
I feel its important that I tell u the names of my twins.. Justice (my sweet angel) and Liberty.. she will be 7 this year :') I adopted her out to a diff family.. as I was only 20 when I lost Justice... I felt that was the most selfless thing I could have done...

God bless you and your miracles..
"K"

[Londres70]

OMG, that is terrible.  I am glad you were able to recover from your horrific situation.  

[deadmemory]

A man who is capable of abusing their wife physically is def capable of being abusive to the children..

I was beat for 4 years, he hit me with his car, broke my nose split my lip, my own mother couldn't recognize me. He went to prison (I too had twins with the mother fuc*er) he is there for manslaughter in the 1st degree of my sweet eldest child. This was 6 years ago. I wish with all my heart I was able to see the future, but he wasn't this way when I was pregnant. I saw no red flags.. nothing.

Its hard, and I feel for you.. god bless

[Londres70]

Hey, keep us posted/updated dear.

Wishing you a safe and healthy New Year for you and your children.

[anavalencia]

thankx everyone for your opinions and i do believe what someone said i dont need to go with someone else to be able to leave : ) iam talking to a lawyer whos gonna help me for free and everything will be fine thanks alot

[brice1967]

Uhm, you mentioned that "he is a good dad", but he is literally beaten the crud out of you.... Not real sure that is being a good dad.  

[Hobby10]

Thanks special mom u gave very good advice as well.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Wow, I"m so sorry.  YOu are a young woman and have experienced a lot of pain in your life.  I'm going to give you my most heartfelt and sincere advice.  I believe as all here do that you must leave this man you are married to.  He's beaten you and will again if you stay.  Things like that escalate and it can be very dangerous.  

Second, leaving him does not mean you must go to another man.  Can you move in with your parents?  In the United States, we want people to become self suffient.  If we look at our government programs to temporarily help us get to that point, then we are using them correctly.  You could apply for financial assistance and housing along with food stamps and health care.  AND----  the important part---- get a grant to go to trade school or some type of secondary school to train yourself to do a job that will provide you income to be financially independent.  Then you can choose a man that is best for you and not one because you need one.  If your parents would help you----  this would be the best thing.  

Then you can date the other man down the road and see where that goes.  Going straight to him isn't wise as I don't think you are healthy enough to make a good decision about that right now.  You've been in an abusive relationship and feel trapped by what it provided (a roof over your head and financial support).  This skews your ability to look realistically at this other man.  

When you can afford it, I really think therapy is a good thing.  It can help break patterns and give us a plan for our life.  Churches offer great support and free counseling can often be found there or a YWCA.  good luck

Oh, and I think Hobby10's comments were spot on.  Peace

[Hobby10]

It takes a lot of determination and desire to stop a cycle of abuse.  He may have been beat up as a kid.   It doesn't matter if he hits you in front of your kids or not. The point is--- no one should be hitting u and no one deserves that.  Protect yourself.   Get a restraint order so you have some kind of record of abuse and it's easier to get him arrested if necessary.  Some guys are just abusive control freaks.  It's sad but it's true and it's not your responsibility to fix him.   Take care of u and your kids.   Best wishes to u and happy new year.  

[RainLover71]

Your husband's a pig.Leave him now,actually yesterday.This is one marriage that will never work.

[Londres70]

Totally agree with Integrityblue.  

To add:  There is a pattern here.  You seem to be hopping from guy to guy to save or spare yourself from unfortunate situations; someone to rescue you.  First with your husband escaping your mother's home because she was having financial problems and couldn't pay the rent and now you are thinking about getting into a relationship with "Jimmy" trying to escape an abusive marriage with the husband.    

I am all for you getting out the marriage, however, wouldn't recommend running to "Jimmy" to make things all better or fix things.  Personally, I just wouldn't draw anyone else into your unfortunate situation at this time.  This is definitely NOT the time to be starting any new romantic relationship.  Plus, I would be afraid for Jimmy and you if your husband finds out.  I just wouldn't add any more "fuel" to the fire you got going already.  Who knows what your husband would do.  He has already beaten you to the point you had to seek medical attention.  

Focus on you and your children's safety and well-being.  Get a restraining order and get out of this abusive marriage ASAP.    

[integrityblue]

I think... you should get a restraining order on your husband and file for divorce but you should also NOT get into a relationship with this other man.. yet. Give it some time to deal with your life before you get your mind all foggy with new love. Protect yourself first and foremost! I know you love him and want to stay with him but you are enabling him to continue to abuse you. If you love him, you will help him stop. Love yourself and get out.