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Mother in law moving in after husband passed away!
So my Father in law passed away 3 weeks ago and now my mother in law can not afford to stay where she is. My husband wants her to come with us, I of course agreed because she will be homeless. The problem is that she has mental illness and takes 15 meds a day I’m concerned this will effect our marriage. Not sure I can handle this. We have been together for 8 years and married for 3. He doesn’t want her in a nursing home. Not sure what to do. I’m trying so hard to be understanding, not easy at all.
Before i could consider just your feelings and suggest what i think you should do, i would first have to know vital information about your mom (in law).and also some vital information about you.
First off,
IF and when, the same thing happens/ed with your mother -
IF your mom was left in the same position after your dad's passing, as your MIL is today -
Would you want to take her in?
If your mom was on medication for mental illness, would that be a deal breaker, or would you give it your best to make your home her refuge?
If after some really serious and honest consideration, the answer is "Yes", then i think you should stop calling her your mother in law and just get to calling her "mom" - and do for her what you would do for your own mom and discuss this scenario with your husband now so that you can expect from him what he wants from you -
and that is for you to do your best to look after mom, whether it's his mom or yours..
Secondly,
IF you both decide to have your mom come stay, you both need to sit down and talk about what's important for you both to make it work beforehand.
It does Not need to be an all or nothing deal.
I think when you do talk to your husband you need to start out with you both acknowledging that you both do enjoy your current privacy and that ideally, you would both choose to have this privacy continue, - and work from there.
I think you both need to acknowledge that if your mom were to come and stay, that it does not have to be an all or nothing deal. It does not have to be that your mom is gone into a nursing home seldom seen or heard from to being all up in your business 24/7.
The fact that your mom has mental illness that she is being medicated for means that you have to be very careful to set a tone that she is compliant with before she moves in. Let her know that you understand her immediate need for accommodation, but you both are currently happy with your privacy, and if she can compromise as you both are compromising, there may be a way for her to live with your family.
Simple rules devised ahead of her moving in, would be far more humane that to have her up in your business causing strife in the marriage and then coming up with a compromise that both spouses can accept. Why not skip that action and have a plan in place that can be revised in the event that you are comfortable with seeing more of your mom. It sure beats having to tell you mom to go to her room, rather than to ask her if she wants to do something above and beyond the routine that you have put into place for her.
I think planning a routine for your mom is important.
For instance, making set dates that she is invited to dinner - say twice a week to eat with the family - ie. Tuesday and Saturday nights. That allows your family privacy 5 nights a week. Your mom could have her dinner in her room. When you get older, it's nice to have the freedom to have your own remote and watch whatever you want on tv. You can make sure she has plenty of suitable entertainment by teaching her to download movies and documentaries etc. On the nights that she eats with you, she may want to help cook the meal which she can look forward to. You can bring her to senior's centers to a couple times a week for bingo or cards, for senior walks at the mall so she has creates her own life.
The problems that daughter in laws are having with their mother in laws moving in that i've read about here on medhelp are numerous. Basically, a lot of mother in laws apparently take over the kitchen and make the daughters in law follow their lead. I hear many cases where DIL (daughters in laws) are treated very cruelly by MIL's (mother in laws) that come in and take the house over.
This should never happen. A wife and mother should never bow down and have to be compliant to a guest in their home.
I think you're very smart to be asking questions and being careful.
I appreciate that you are concerned that your mother in law would be "homeless" if she were not invited to your home, but what does that mean?
Does that mean that your FIL left your MIL destitute? That he passed away with no property or savings? Is it really a question of her being homeless, or is a question of her not being able to live alone? There's a big difference.
If your in laws did own property that could be sold, and put towards her living with you, perhaps you could move to a home, or build in your home, an in law suite so that both she and yourselves had privacy. I mean I'm not a rich person by any means, but should my husband pass i could sell the house and contribute those funds towards my son and his wife buying a larger property or developing their own property to accommodate an in law (thus the in law suite) and this would also raise the value of your property holdings after your MIL passed, which you could then rent out as a unit for further income. If that were the case, there are usually nurses or personal support workers that come in to help the elderly in their care (at least in Canada there is).
If it's a question of your MIL having many kids and the plan was to split any property up between the kids, then that can also be revised. It can be revised that the home that is provided for your mom is the recipient of any and all funds. The money could be used to accommodate her needs, so that she has a bathroom and maybe a kitchen of her own.
So, I'm hoping this helps. We would all love to hear back from you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Blessings.
First off,
IF and when, the same thing happens/ed with your mother -
IF your mom was left in the same position after your dad's passing, as your MIL is today -
Would you want to take her in?
If your mom was on medication for mental illness, would that be a deal breaker, or would you give it your best to make your home her refuge?
If after some really serious and honest consideration, the answer is "Yes", then i think you should stop calling her your mother in law and just get to calling her "mom" - and do for her what you would do for your own mom and discuss this scenario with your husband now so that you can expect from him what he wants from you -
and that is for you to do your best to look after mom, whether it's his mom or yours..
Secondly,
IF you both decide to have your mom come stay, you both need to sit down and talk about what's important for you both to make it work beforehand.
It does Not need to be an all or nothing deal.
I think when you do talk to your husband you need to start out with you both acknowledging that you both do enjoy your current privacy and that ideally, you would both choose to have this privacy continue, - and work from there.
I think you both need to acknowledge that if your mom were to come and stay, that it does not have to be an all or nothing deal. It does not have to be that your mom is gone into a nursing home seldom seen or heard from to being all up in your business 24/7.
The fact that your mom has mental illness that she is being medicated for means that you have to be very careful to set a tone that she is compliant with before she moves in. Let her know that you understand her immediate need for accommodation, but you both are currently happy with your privacy, and if she can compromise as you both are compromising, there may be a way for her to live with your family.
Simple rules devised ahead of her moving in, would be far more humane that to have her up in your business causing strife in the marriage and then coming up with a compromise that both spouses can accept. Why not skip that action and have a plan in place that can be revised in the event that you are comfortable with seeing more of your mom. It sure beats having to tell you mom to go to her room, rather than to ask her if she wants to do something above and beyond the routine that you have put into place for her.
I think planning a routine for your mom is important.
For instance, making set dates that she is invited to dinner - say twice a week to eat with the family - ie. Tuesday and Saturday nights. That allows your family privacy 5 nights a week. Your mom could have her dinner in her room. When you get older, it's nice to have the freedom to have your own remote and watch whatever you want on tv. You can make sure she has plenty of suitable entertainment by teaching her to download movies and documentaries etc. On the nights that she eats with you, she may want to help cook the meal which she can look forward to. You can bring her to senior's centers to a couple times a week for bingo or cards, for senior walks at the mall so she has creates her own life.
The problems that daughter in laws are having with their mother in laws moving in that i've read about here on medhelp are numerous. Basically, a lot of mother in laws apparently take over the kitchen and make the daughters in law follow their lead. I hear many cases where DIL (daughters in laws) are treated very cruelly by MIL's (mother in laws) that come in and take the house over.
This should never happen. A wife and mother should never bow down and have to be compliant to a guest in their home.
I think you're very smart to be asking questions and being careful.
I appreciate that you are concerned that your mother in law would be "homeless" if she were not invited to your home, but what does that mean?
Does that mean that your FIL left your MIL destitute? That he passed away with no property or savings? Is it really a question of her being homeless, or is a question of her not being able to live alone? There's a big difference.
If your in laws did own property that could be sold, and put towards her living with you, perhaps you could move to a home, or build in your home, an in law suite so that both she and yourselves had privacy. I mean I'm not a rich person by any means, but should my husband pass i could sell the house and contribute those funds towards my son and his wife buying a larger property or developing their own property to accommodate an in law (thus the in law suite) and this would also raise the value of your property holdings after your MIL passed, which you could then rent out as a unit for further income. If that were the case, there are usually nurses or personal support workers that come in to help the elderly in their care (at least in Canada there is).
If it's a question of your MIL having many kids and the plan was to split any property up between the kids, then that can also be revised. It can be revised that the home that is provided for your mom is the recipient of any and all funds. The money could be used to accommodate her needs, so that she has a bathroom and maybe a kitchen of her own.
So, I'm hoping this helps. We would all love to hear back from you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Blessings.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Whew, couldn't agree more with AnnieBrooke. This is a really tough spot to be in. Really tough. But you have your children and your life to think about. Now mental illness can often be controlled with medication but that can be shaky depending on how compliant his mom is. How did they afford to live prior when your father in law was alive? Does he not have any death benefit to leave her? Are there any other family that you can turn to? What else can you work out?
If you don't think this will bother you, then take her in. It's so hard to be an aging person with no income. But also, depending on where she lives, if she is mentally deficient, would she not qualify for disability? I'd start that process. Then she can have housing and some income to live. What would she do if you were not in the picture (you and your husband, that is)?
If this may be something that bothers you, talk to your husband and be honest that you'd like to explore other options. You have your own sanity to think about here.
Let us know how this goes, okay?
If you don't think this will bother you, then take her in. It's so hard to be an aging person with no income. But also, depending on where she lives, if she is mentally deficient, would she not qualify for disability? I'd start that process. Then she can have housing and some income to live. What would she do if you were not in the picture (you and your husband, that is)?
If this may be something that bothers you, talk to your husband and be honest that you'd like to explore other options. You have your own sanity to think about here.
Let us know how this goes, okay?
1 Comments
Did the father look after her previously, or any other person?
One problem witht seniors is medical issues can get worse in a hurry, so even if things are tolerable today, make sure you have an understanding with your husband about where the line gets drawn for her to go to a home. Some people can't make decisions, and if he is like that you need a plan in advance.
One problem witht seniors is medical issues can get worse in a hurry, so even if things are tolerable today, make sure you have an understanding with your husband about where the line gets drawn for her to go to a home. Some people can't make decisions, and if he is like that you need a plan in advance.
That is pretty serious. I would not want a person with mental illness to live in my house unless I had nothing else to do with my time but keep an eye on her.
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