My 15 yr old daughter is being left out

[concernedmon]

I have one daughter who is 15 yrs old.  She is very pretty, really sweet, and has a big heart.  She cares so much for other kids, that if one kids is being left out of somethings, she always makes sure that they get included.  She is also an only child and is mature for her age - she can handle adults as well as kids her own age.

My daughter - Kim - is going through a problem right now and I am at my wits ends on how to help her.  One of her best friends - Shannon -in the neighborhood, that she has known since kindergarden, decided to go to a party on New Years Eve - a party that my daughter wasn't invited too.  My daughter got very upset with her "best friend" b/c she thought they would going to do something together on New Years.  Text messages were sent back and forth - the other girl not understanding why my daughter (Kim) was upset.  

Then for the next few days, this "best friend" started shunning my daughter - which led to my daughter feeling really bad about herself.  Of course, other kids soon followed Shannon - who got a new car from her grandparents for her sweet 16th.

One of the worst parts is that I gave the sweet 16 party for this girl (her mom & dad helped financially but Shannon doesn't like having her mom around, so the party was at my house without the girls mom).

Between these two issues, Shannon has started ignoring Kim, only calling her when she has a problem.  I have told Kim to make other friends, but she is worried what school will be like now.  Can she sit with them at lunch?  Are they going to make plans in front of her and still not include her?

Can anyone give me some advice on what to say.  I hate seeing my daughter in such pain.  She's a good kid, very pretty and sweet, likes everyone.  I really think this started after the NYE Party rather than the Sweet 16.

Thanks for any wisdom someone could give me.

[Judy246]

It's a very difficult, transitional age. Hormones and sensitive emotions are very high. I would attempt to speak with the girls parents and ask if it's ok to invite the "girls" over and discuss their differences. Parents are welcome, but nick it in the butt, so this drama does not continue in school and spread like poison traumatizing your daughter. There is nothing worse than being a parent and watching your "little girl" suffer through school issues that can escalate to gossip, shunning out and even violence. Have them over and discuss how can they resolve their issues and either reconciliate as friends or stay away from each other respecting each other. If you have any problems with the issue continuing in school, I would talk to the principal to resolve it. My sister is the principal of a middle school and she has had incidents where two girls got into a fight and one pulled out a blade and cut the other girls face out of jelousy, because of her popularity. The police had to get involved, because of the seriousness of the fight and all over jelousy, because one felt ugly and the other one was pretty getting attention. Good Luck.

[RockRose]

I agree that talking to the counselor at this point might be really helpful.  

It's still pretty early in all this - sounds like it started after New Years although for her it probably feels like forever,  and it feels like everyone is against her.

All three of my boys - had difficulty during this time or a little before with suddenly shifting social groups.  Boys do a little better with this,  and have less social drama,  but maybe the same general rules apply.

Are there girls who are kind of on the periphery of her crowd that are maybe less drama,  less sparkly girls but  nice and even keel girls?  Inviting a couple of them over to make homemade pizza and watch a favorite show,  something very low key and low drama,  might be helpful?    Or at this point doing a project with girls she has known but doesn't hang out with - like something assigned in class as a group,  have them come over to work on it or study for a test,  something very task oriented and no pressure to only socialize?  I'm trying to think of the things that helped a lot with my kids.

Also, as shallow as this sounds,  getting a few new outfits that she really feels confident in and good about can be helpful.

It's not fun,  is it?  Urg,  very painful.  "When you become a parent you agree to have your heart walk around outside your body".  

[penswriter]

if it's getting to the point she wants to transfer schools it may be a good idea to have a talk with the principal or guidance counselor. are they bullying her? or just ignoring her?

[concernedmon]

Thank you so much Rockrose and Coolas and Penswriter.  That makes so much sense.  It's hard for me to see through this because it's happening to my daughter, and when your child is hurting, you are hurting even more.  

Shannon's mom has some mental issues (bi-polar) and that could be why Shannon doesn't want her mother around very much.  I wanted them to stay at the party with me but they chose to leave because they knew Shannon didn't want them there.

I have tried to be friends with the mother for years, she lives a few houses down from us, but she is so strange.  I have other friends and things going on, so I am not so concerned about the mother not liking me though.  I just want my daughter to have good memories of high school, like I did.  I had a great group of friends, many are still around today.

This morning Kim asked me if she could transfer schools.  I don't want her to run away from this problem or these kids.  

I hope she does bounce back like you said Coolas.  In fact, I know she will.  It's just going to be hard watching her go through this until that does happen.  

Thank you all.

[coolas]

I agree with RockRose..  So this kid wanted a sweet 16 but didn't want her parents there and they were alright with paying for it but not participating but having another parent participate..? Sounds a bit dodgy to me..  Now of course my 8 year old is already protesting about me walking her to the gate at school, but I cannot imagine some other parent throwing a party for her and me not being there.

In any event, it sounds like your daughter has lots going for her - as hard as it is to watch her go through this, in a way, it is character building. Some of the most interesting people had the toughest time at school; when you aren't miss or mr popular, you are forced to develop other aspects of yourself.   I would recommend advising her to concentrate on some other goals right now and to try not to worry too much about the social life - it'll bounce back, she just needs to keep her cool and not let it get to her.  

A-

[RockRose]

As painful as this is,  it sounds like a blessing in disguise.  

The few things you've described about Shannon make her sound like dangerous territory.  I sense at some point in the near future you're going to be praising God that Kim is no longer hanging out with Shannon - saying,  but for the Grace of God,  Kim would have been there too when ____ happened.

[penswriter]

that's the hardest part of being a parent. having to watch your kids struggle through their issues. my boys are only toddlers but it still breaks my heart seeing them struggle with small things BUT makes me proud when they figure it out. which when she realizes how stupid fighting over a party is and moves on...you'll be proud at how mature your baby is being. teenage angst is awful. lol. but think...she could have bigger problems.

[concernedmon]

I agree with everyone.  I am encouraging Kim to make some new friends.  I would love her to get involved involved with something else.  Shannon is not a bad kid, she's just being a teenager too.  Is it just me or does anyone else think that teenagers have it worse these days because of facebook and texting and twitter?  They know what everyone else is doing at all times, and so they know when they are being excluded.  We didn't have that in my day, so if there was a party and you weren't invited, you never knew and your feelings weren't hurt.

Thanks everyone for your advice/support.  I know she will get through this but it breaks my heart to see her feeling so bad.  

[penswriter]

ahhhh high school drama. it s*cks that her friend is doing this but...they're teenagers. it happens. you daughter honestly shouldn't have gotten upset that her friend was invited to a party and she wasn't. or that she went. things like that happen. they're friends...not siamese twins. does it hurt? sure it does. as far as the friend "shunning" her...maybe they should sit down and talk things through. if they truly are best friends they'll get over it. my friends and i had arguements like this ALL the time in high school...we're now 24-28 years old and all still VERY VERY good friends. we may not hang out as much (some have moved out of state, two of us have married and had children while others are busy with work) but we all still chat with each other and at least once every 4-6 months we go out for lunch or dinner/drinks and just hang out. we've added to our group...two brothers and husbands/boyfriends/fiancees.

it's life. it's apart of growing up. if they can't get over this one small thing then maybe they were never truly friends. and if they can't i'm sure your daughter will make new friends.

[KATE535]

Finding a new group of friends would be good for her. I remember going through the same situation. I 'moved on' by moving on with new friends. It can be quite easy to make new friends just by going to new places eg. join a sport-club, dance-club... etc. This friend really is not worthy if she 'uses' people like she does. You being supportive will help her a lot too.

[teko]

OH WOW! To me these times are the true pains of childbirth. Watching them go thru these things and not being able to do anything about it. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about it and she will have to walk this one alone. It is part of growing up. My heart goes out to both of you. Just encourage her to talk and you be there to listen and let her work it out. Sorry