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My adult son hates me!
Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son. I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else. I raised my 4 younger siblings. My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.
I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
Quoting you:
"She wanted to pass the time by talking about a bunch of trivial and unimportant things going on in her life."
"trivial and unimportant".
Yet---isn't that how YOU just got through saying SHE saw and treated YOU---as "trivial and unimportant"?
It just goes to show the PROOF of something I heard long ago: "You who judge another ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS."
I hear a lot of self-pity in your post---"I'm this way because my mother did so-and-so."
Well, you know what? She isn't Hermione Granger and doesn't own a Time-Turner. She can't go back and "re-do" the past.
Neither can you.
Solution?
FORGIVENESS.
It's the only cure for bitterness---and bitterness is a poison. Stop feeding it to yourself.
Good luck.
"She wanted to pass the time by talking about a bunch of trivial and unimportant things going on in her life."
"trivial and unimportant".
Yet---isn't that how YOU just got through saying SHE saw and treated YOU---as "trivial and unimportant"?
It just goes to show the PROOF of something I heard long ago: "You who judge another ARE DOING THE SAME THINGS."
I hear a lot of self-pity in your post---"I'm this way because my mother did so-and-so."
Well, you know what? She isn't Hermione Granger and doesn't own a Time-Turner. She can't go back and "re-do" the past.
Neither can you.
Solution?
FORGIVENESS.
It's the only cure for bitterness---and bitterness is a poison. Stop feeding it to yourself.
Good luck.
You can do that. You can even apologize. But if your son REFUSES to forgive, and prefers to hold on to his bitterness, and to take no responsibility for who he IS and who he CHOOSES to be TODAY----then what is left for you to do?
Does your husband have any input on what the problem might be? I think sincerely, when people say "I have absolutely no idea what the problem was", they really do know.
I'm curious what political views you were espousing that caused him to explode. I'm not asking you to state them - that would cause a distraction in the thread - but there are political views that would make me want to tell someone to shut the F up too.
I'm curious what political views you were espousing that caused him to explode. I'm not asking you to state them - that would cause a distraction in the thread - but there are political views that would make me want to tell someone to shut the F up too.
I'm in the same boat. My only son and I have always been close.l was going to help take care of his first baby. I went there and all of a sudden, he turned on me. Overnight, he hates me. But won't say why.
Yes, his dad and I were always supportive, probably even coddled a bit him as a child. No new cars and freeloading though. We had high expectations...
..I now know better than to talk politics with him even though I get it in both ears from him and his wife. I said one thing a bit too political and he yells viciously. " Mom, What the f--- do you even care for. You'll be dead soon anyway." That hurt. ....Anyway he is acting like a prick.
Mean......And I've always helped with anything financially. He has zero student loans. 10G for wedding, Down payment for home, half of car, ten G for child's 529 plan, and on and on. Always generous and thoughtful.......never wanted anything back.....In fact this, (Is it an argument?) began a few days after I arrived.I asked him if we could go have a cup of coffee and talk a bit. After all, I came 3000 miles to see him. He says what do you want? You got my wife and daughter to talk to. When I mentioned we hadn't talked in person for over a year, he lost his cool.
Actually I'm wondering. If he is getting some kind of mental illness? I asked him to go to therapy. But he will only agree to "Skype Therapy" through a computer screen. Heck, I'll try it. Thought there was a lot of love between us. But now I don't think I could ever trust him again.
And the worse part is the pain I'm enduring. I was not prepared to be stabbed in the heart.It's been 3 months and I can still barely move. I've been shaking, barfing, and gut level crying. It's killing me. It's like his gentle soul is transformed into something strange. I just wish I could find peace and get back to life before I lose my husband. Or my life.
I must admit, I removed him from my trust this week. He does not deserve a huge amount.I have to have something coming back, from him, like love and respect.
Yes, his dad and I were always supportive, probably even coddled a bit him as a child. No new cars and freeloading though. We had high expectations...
..I now know better than to talk politics with him even though I get it in both ears from him and his wife. I said one thing a bit too political and he yells viciously. " Mom, What the f--- do you even care for. You'll be dead soon anyway." That hurt. ....Anyway he is acting like a prick.
Mean......And I've always helped with anything financially. He has zero student loans. 10G for wedding, Down payment for home, half of car, ten G for child's 529 plan, and on and on. Always generous and thoughtful.......never wanted anything back.....In fact this, (Is it an argument?) began a few days after I arrived.I asked him if we could go have a cup of coffee and talk a bit. After all, I came 3000 miles to see him. He says what do you want? You got my wife and daughter to talk to. When I mentioned we hadn't talked in person for over a year, he lost his cool.
Actually I'm wondering. If he is getting some kind of mental illness? I asked him to go to therapy. But he will only agree to "Skype Therapy" through a computer screen. Heck, I'll try it. Thought there was a lot of love between us. But now I don't think I could ever trust him again.
And the worse part is the pain I'm enduring. I was not prepared to be stabbed in the heart.It's been 3 months and I can still barely move. I've been shaking, barfing, and gut level crying. It's killing me. It's like his gentle soul is transformed into something strange. I just wish I could find peace and get back to life before I lose my husband. Or my life.
I must admit, I removed him from my trust this week. He does not deserve a huge amount.I have to have something coming back, from him, like love and respect.
If he is 24 then he needs to support himself. Give him 6 months to stop all this abuse. Ifvhe doesnt then calmly tell him to leave.and stick to it.
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