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My boyfriend prefers to sleep on the couch, is this normal?

We have been together six months and he only sleeps with me occasionally.  It makes me feel like he doesn't want to be close to me. Of course, he says that isnt it at all,  that he has acid reflux and sleeping on the couch gives him relief. I have never had this issue, he is getting tired of digussinh it and im tired of answers that dont make sense. Can anyone provide some insight for me.
7 Responses
134578 tn?1614729226
Honey, he is more comfortable sleeping on the sofa, so it's "normal" for him in whatever situation he is in. Only time will tell if the reason he has given you is a true explanation, but in the meantime lighten up about it , because what you are doing is not helping.
1 Comments
Thank you so much for your comment, i really appreciate a different prospective
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, I think you can tell him that sleeping together matters to you.  :>)  A large percentage of married couples do sleep separately and it has to do with them wanting good sleep or relationship issues . . . but a boyfriend on a couch would not be ideal.  I'd personally try to get to the bottom of it as it will cut down on intimacy if he continues this. And if he continues it, it may not be the man for you.  My friend has slept separate from her husband for a couple of years and she says it is like they are roommates now rather than lovers.  So . . .  starting this way is less than ideal.
3 Comments
Thank you I said the same thing. Ive talked till Im blue in tbe face about it and I have finally just given up. It really hurts my feelings and I feel like acid reflux is such a weak excuse that its almost like a slap in the face.
Ya, I think I'd be hurt.  Whether it is his normal or not, it's not yours.  That's a compatibility issue and if you are looking ahead to the future, you probably want your partner in your bed at night (at least most of the time).  I'm not sure this would ever get any better.  Sorry!  hugs

I have a friend whose husband had reflux really badly. He had to sleep upright in a reclining chair, it was so painful. But it doesn't sound like you are saying this guy has reflux like that. If he hasn't seen a doctor about the reflux, it might be an excuse.
Avatar universal
Since he said it's an acid reflux thing, you can offer to buy him one of those wedge pillows that would help him sleep with his upper body elevated, which would help prevent the acid reflux. Then you could both sleep in the same bed. It's definitely something to think about.
2 Comments
Yes I have thought about that, actually I recreated the couch, on the bed, he just thinks of a new reason. We are 56, so its probably not as big a deal as it once would have been, but it still doesn't seem normal to me.  However, I was raised, that a couple slept together, I never been faced with this ussur before. Its very confusing to me.
It continues to bother me that you ask if this is "normal" and say it "just doesn't seem normal," as though if you could prove it is "not normal" he would see the light and sleep in the bed with you. He doesn't want to sleep in the bed. I agree that he might not be telling you the real reason why, but he doesn't want to sleep in the bed. It hardly matters if it is normal or not. That is the situation. You can't argue someone out of it if that is where they are.

If you don't think he realizes it hurts your feelings, and if you think he would change his mind and come sleep in the bed if he realized it hurts your feelings, just tell him it hurts your feelings. Don't slap a label on him that he is not normal. (Or try to.) If you are just trying to figure out why someone would do that, I can think of several possible reasons that do not include being in any way abnormal. But really, if he hasn't told you why he does it, or if acid reflux is really why, it doesn't sound like he wants to change anything and he's probably pretty tired of you going on and on about it. At this point you have to just cool it, or find a new boyfriend.
Avatar universal
Ok, there is some people who prefer to sleep alone. I always sleep with my husband, but when he's not at home I really enjoy sleeping by myself, it makes me sleep much better.
From what I see he avoids to answer the question, so he might be ashamed of it, or he doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe he farts during sleep (trust me this happens), or maybe you snore so it doesn't give him enough sleep. Don't push with "why don't you sleep with me?!?!?!" answering same question over and over can be annoying and he will end up resenting you cause you became that nagging gf. Instead ask "Do I snore while I sleep?" playfully, or when opportunity arises, like the question is unrelated to you and him not sleeping together. Also how is your sex life? If you have sex on regular basis you don't have to sleep together to have good relationship.
2 Comments
I really don't nag about this. I think that at least I deserve an answer that makes sense, as it might indicate another problem that I'm overlooking. However, I have given up anyway and when I'm finally tired of hurt feelings I will most certainly move on. Just trying to get a fresh prospective, i.e., trying to conquer a problem that can mushroom into something that will cause an even bigger riff.  
It seems like the rift is pretty big now and has mushroomed already, if you have given up on the relationship over your hurt feelings about this.  It doesn't sound like even hearing a different reason will make things better.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
So, the thing is, for some couples, sleeping separately works for them.  Frankly, I love the bed to myself or sleeping alone but my husband does not. So, I don't do it.  We're a couple.  If I were dating someone, gastric reflux or not, who had this issue and I wanted to sleep with my partner, I'd think twice about the relationship.  And I honestly do believe that a couple not sleeping together regularly lack intimacy and less close than other couples who do bed together.  That's my opinion but I can't see how it wouldn't be the case.  Truthfully, the couples I know in this position often have a lack of closeness/intimacy in their relationship.  Again, I do kind of like sleeping alone better. BUT, it's not really great for my marriage.  :>)  

I see this as a red flag when dating.  And remember, sleeping is a habit.  You get used to sleeping with or without someone and you have to relearn the habit if you want to change it.  If he is unwilling, I'm not sure I'd try to make this work.  No matter how great he is.  I mean, does he have sex with you and then hit the couch after?  That situation won't feel any better 10 years from now.  :>)  Sorry!  It's hard.  But we are supposed to judge people we date for whether they will be good partners down the road for us.  This doesn't sound like a match in my opinion.  (unless this is just temporary.  But you are leading me to believe this is simply his preference overall.).  
3 Comments
I feel like its a commitment issue, but he seems commotted in every otjer way. About turn distance back on him and it will eother fic or end it
I agree, I wouldn't like to be an old married couple after a few months.  :>)  You may be typing on your phone as I am not sure but *think* I know what you are saying.  We can all have empathy for a health situation but you know . . . effort counts.  Sometimes if I am dog tired and my partner is breathing heavy (code for snoring), I stay for a while, and then go or a while and come back.  :>)  But I will tell you . . . that was NEVER the case when dating.  That's when it is all hot and heavy and you aren't supposed to want to be a second away from each other.  (ha, early romance).  
PS:  also don't want to make anyone feel bad if they sleep separate from their partner.  I heard a statistic of 30% of long term couples do this.  I know an elderly couple that have side by side townhouses . . . no joke.  Totally a married couple but they have not only separate bedrooms but separate front doors.  lol  I don't know what it takes to get to that point . . . but on some days, I totally get it.  But I wouldn't want to start out that way unless I was strictly looking for a companion.  good luck
20842584 tn?1533055115
I didn't read any of the above answers as there's a lot of writing there, so maybe some of what I'm saying now will have been said already (sorry). Just want to say that my bf is the same way and for nearly the entire time we've been living together for two years, has been sleeping mostly on the couch. For the first little while, we had some very painful arguments about it where it always ended in him emotionally and verbally abusing me, calling me selfish and controlling and saying that he's a human being too and allowed to sleep wherever he wants. He's told me I'm childish and living in a fantasy world if I think all couples sleep in the same bed together every night. For me, the issue has been a painful one because I strongly believe when two people live together but don't sleep in the same bed at night, it creates a lot of distance between them, even if they don't realize it. I've begged him and asked him to compromise but he refuses. He tells me that he would never stand in my way of sleeping wherever I wanted to. His reasons for staying on the couch have varied so much over the years that I just don't know which is the truth now. First it was that he wants to stay near where his cigarettes are, and he can go right outside the door next to the couch to smoke. However, when we moved here we chose a walkout balcony off the bedroom so that he could do that at night easily? Then he started saying he just wakes up all the time constantly and doesn't want to disturb me. Then another time it was back troubles and that the couch is somehow more comfortable.

Sorry for the rant. I just know what this is like. Not sure if eventually you'll just come to terms with it and be okay with him sleeping there. Maybe you will since he at least seems to have a solid reason. I know how lonely it can feel though, that your guy doesn't want to come crawl into bed and snuggle up with you. I know what that's like... boy do I ever. To me I think the worst thing is that THEY don't seem to miss that or need it as much. Well, good luck to you. I wonder how things will pan out...
3060903 tn?1398565123
His sleeping in the bed is important to you, and the fact that he so rarely compromises and finds his way to  lay by your side, would be most concerning to me. if i was you. What about chivalry? He sounds very cold about your concerns if he only sleeps by your side so infrequently after you've let him know how much it means to you. (and it sounds like you have).

How does he manage his acid reflux? How seriously is he taking researching and finding a solution that would allow him healthfully to sleep with his partner?

i.e.

FROM THE WEBMD ARCHIVES
Nighttime heartburn affects four out of five people who suffer regular heartburn and acid reflux. The discomfort and bitter taste can make sleep uncomfortable, even elusive.

While over-the-counter and prescription drugs can treat symptoms once you have heartburn, "the cornerstone of treatment for any disease or disorder is prevention," say Lawrence J. Cheskin, MD, and Brian E. Lacy, MD, PhD, in their book Healing Heartburn.

Fortunately, sometimes all it takes to prevent nighttime heartburn is a few lifestyle changes. WebMD turned to the heartburn experts to get their tips on stopping nighttime heartburn before it hits -- so you can sleep well tonight.

12 Tips for Nighttime Heartburn Relief

1. Sleep on your left side.This position seems to help reduce nighttime heartburn symptoms, says David A. Johnson, MD, internal medicine division chief at Eastern Virginia School of Medicine, Norfolk, Va. To remember which side to sleep on, Johnson offers this memory trick: Right is wrong.

2. Lose weight, even a little. Heartburn often just gets worse as you gain weight, but losing as little as two and a half pounds can help reduce heartburn symptoms, Johnson says.

3. Sleep with your upper body elevated. When you lay flat in bed, your throat and stomach are basically at the same level, making it easy for stomach acids to flow up your esophagus, causing heartburn. You can elevate your body in two ways:

Put the head of your bed on 4- to 6-inch blocks.
Sleep on a wedge-shaped pillow that's at least 6 to 10 inches thick on one end. Don't substitute regular pillows; they just raise your head, and not your entire upper body.

4. Wear loose-fitting clothes. Tight clothes, especially near your waist, can put pressure on your stomach, leading to heartburn symptoms.

5. Avoid foods that trigger your heartburn. Foods that trigger heartburn differ from person to person. Common foods and drinks that can cause heartburn and interrupt sleep include alcohol; caffeinated drinks like colas, coffee, and tea; chocolate and cocoa; peppermint; garlic; onions; milk; fatty, spicy, greasy, or fried foods; and acidic foods like citrus or tomato products. Keep a food diary to help you track which foods may trigger your heartburn.

Is he willing to take steps to find out what foods are causing the acid reflux in order that he can fulfill an expectation of intimacy that's important to you? If not, if he's not willing to place his finding other types of relief to keep you happy, i'd say he's selfish and that you're not compatible for the long run.

I think it would feel  a bit like a friends with benefits arrangement for my if my partner did not make every single possible move to rectify the sleeping arrangement situation for you and for him. He should want to achieve the milestone of sleeping by your side. Perhaps the problem is that he's not into cuddling and is using this as an excuse to not have to say it to you?

Has he tried every possible solution that he can find on the internet? Does he eat food that he knows gives him acid reflux? That would be pretty selfish of him , if it cost you the piece of mind of having  your partner in your marital (common law counts ) bed.

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