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Not attracted to my husband anymore, fell deeply in love with another man
Hi, glad I found this site! My situation is very similar another post on this site, "Attracted to another man should I leave my husband?" from 2006...I have been with my husband for 10 years, married 9, I was head over heels for him when we first got together, but before we even got married, he got involved in an auto accident that caused serious injuries to the girl he hit from behind, he admitted he had 2 drinks at a company function just prior to the wreck, but was in no way drunk, but they nailed it to him, and ended serving 6 months in jail 5-6 years ago...I had to drain my savings just to keep the house afloat ($20k worth)...then about a year later the girl dies from her injuries, and this WHOLE MESS started ALL up again, but even worse, cause he was then charged with vehicular manslaughter, and have spent a fortune on legal fees again...THIS WHOLE LEGAL DRAMA has hung over our ENTIRE relationship, causing untold grief and fell out of love with him a few years ago, but have stuck with him because I feel a duty, as his wife, to be there for him, but have been living a loveless marriage for 3-4 years now at least! I've been so unhappy and miserable, I'm not physically attracted to him anymore, haven't been for a few years, and haven't had sex in almost 3 years now, and even when he tried before, it hurt because I wasn't able to get aroused and build up any lubrication at all...
Then a little over 2 years ago, while we were one month removed from the final court date to determine the outcome of this 2nd vehicular manslaughter case, which the attorneys were telling us he pretty much had NO chance at all of avoiding more jail time...I wasn't actively looking for someone else, then out of the blue I met this man from Texas who, from the moment we 1st laid eyes on each other, WE KNEW something was just RIGHT about the connection we had, and was open to it because I was just about 100% certain my husband Mark would be going to jail in Oct/Nov 2009, making it soo much easier and drama free to be able to move out of the house we own together, and be with James...He makes me SOO happy when we're together, he is madly in love with me, and I'm very much in love with him, still to this day...
Problem is, his Oct court date got delayed till Dec, then got delayed again until Feb 2010, then once more till April 2010...by the time we finally went to court, our attorneys had actually made alot of progress in the case, in Mark's favor (deep down, I was, hate to say it, really hoping he was gonna go to jail, even if for just 3-6 months, so I could get out), he ended up getting No jail time, BUT got probation for 7 years, AND his drivers license TAKEN AWAY for 7 damn years! This has added a whole other dimension to the strain on our relationship, with me having to tote him around to everywhere he needs to go...Ugh, I am soo tired of this, BUT this other part of me is afraid of a 2nd 'failed marriage', I'm 47 and my 1st marriage lasted for 15 years, and feel a strong sense of duty, as his wife, to be there for him to make it though the probation and license suspension thing for the next 5 of those 7 years...I am SOO unhappy at home, and James and I have seen each other about once a week for the past 2 years, but it's only either early in the morning on my way to work or at lunch...Mark had scheduled a business trip down to Mississippi for 4 weeks ago, to be gone for a week, and that was the time period I was gonna take to GET OUT...James has been preparing his place for me and my son to move in with him, in fact moved into his current duplex in order that it would be close to my work...we've been planning this for months! Then when it came right down to the moment to do it, to pack my stuff during that week a month ago, I got cold feet, scared...it's not James, he's been absolutely wonderful, waiting on my to get my things in order so that we could be together, I feel really bad about the situation I've put him in, as I originally only thought this would go on for a few weeks, at most 4-6 months, and then I could get out without the all the drama that I know I will definitely have to deal with with Mark, the house, everything...I've told James I feel like there's some unfinished business that I feel like I need to wrap up, it's been really tough on the both of us, cause I am really crazy in Love with him, he makes me feel in ways like I haven't felt in a very long time, BUT I can't keep doing this to him...keeping him waiting in the wings, BUT I don't want to lose him, AND he's told me the same, and is still willing to wait a little longer for me to figure things out...HELP!!
Any advice you can share with me on this? A big part of me wants to do the 'right thing' and stick by my marriage and my husband, BUT I am so miserable in it, there's no love left in our marriage, we barely even touch anymore, but I lost out on the 1st house I had with my 1st husband, got nothing out of it when it was sold, and with this one being on both mine and Mark's names, when/if I leave, he cannot afford the house on his income alone, and he's the type that he'll just let it go into foreclosure, ruining my credit!
BUT I wanna be HAPPY, and James makes me soo happy, in every which way...just the laughter alone that we share, I never had that like this with my current or 1st husband, and I just WANNA BE HAPPY!
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry for soo long, but felt like I had to share all these details for you to have a good understanding of my dilemma...
Desperately searching for what I should do...THANK YOU...
T
Then a little over 2 years ago, while we were one month removed from the final court date to determine the outcome of this 2nd vehicular manslaughter case, which the attorneys were telling us he pretty much had NO chance at all of avoiding more jail time...I wasn't actively looking for someone else, then out of the blue I met this man from Texas who, from the moment we 1st laid eyes on each other, WE KNEW something was just RIGHT about the connection we had, and was open to it because I was just about 100% certain my husband Mark would be going to jail in Oct/Nov 2009, making it soo much easier and drama free to be able to move out of the house we own together, and be with James...He makes me SOO happy when we're together, he is madly in love with me, and I'm very much in love with him, still to this day...
Problem is, his Oct court date got delayed till Dec, then got delayed again until Feb 2010, then once more till April 2010...by the time we finally went to court, our attorneys had actually made alot of progress in the case, in Mark's favor (deep down, I was, hate to say it, really hoping he was gonna go to jail, even if for just 3-6 months, so I could get out), he ended up getting No jail time, BUT got probation for 7 years, AND his drivers license TAKEN AWAY for 7 damn years! This has added a whole other dimension to the strain on our relationship, with me having to tote him around to everywhere he needs to go...Ugh, I am soo tired of this, BUT this other part of me is afraid of a 2nd 'failed marriage', I'm 47 and my 1st marriage lasted for 15 years, and feel a strong sense of duty, as his wife, to be there for him to make it though the probation and license suspension thing for the next 5 of those 7 years...I am SOO unhappy at home, and James and I have seen each other about once a week for the past 2 years, but it's only either early in the morning on my way to work or at lunch...Mark had scheduled a business trip down to Mississippi for 4 weeks ago, to be gone for a week, and that was the time period I was gonna take to GET OUT...James has been preparing his place for me and my son to move in with him, in fact moved into his current duplex in order that it would be close to my work...we've been planning this for months! Then when it came right down to the moment to do it, to pack my stuff during that week a month ago, I got cold feet, scared...it's not James, he's been absolutely wonderful, waiting on my to get my things in order so that we could be together, I feel really bad about the situation I've put him in, as I originally only thought this would go on for a few weeks, at most 4-6 months, and then I could get out without the all the drama that I know I will definitely have to deal with with Mark, the house, everything...I've told James I feel like there's some unfinished business that I feel like I need to wrap up, it's been really tough on the both of us, cause I am really crazy in Love with him, he makes me feel in ways like I haven't felt in a very long time, BUT I can't keep doing this to him...keeping him waiting in the wings, BUT I don't want to lose him, AND he's told me the same, and is still willing to wait a little longer for me to figure things out...HELP!!
Any advice you can share with me on this? A big part of me wants to do the 'right thing' and stick by my marriage and my husband, BUT I am so miserable in it, there's no love left in our marriage, we barely even touch anymore, but I lost out on the 1st house I had with my 1st husband, got nothing out of it when it was sold, and with this one being on both mine and Mark's names, when/if I leave, he cannot afford the house on his income alone, and he's the type that he'll just let it go into foreclosure, ruining my credit!
BUT I wanna be HAPPY, and James makes me soo happy, in every which way...just the laughter alone that we share, I never had that like this with my current or 1st husband, and I just WANNA BE HAPPY!
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry for soo long, but felt like I had to share all these details for you to have a good understanding of my dilemma...
Desperately searching for what I should do...THANK YOU...
T
Hoping your husband got jail time so that you could have him out the way to do what you wanted with your lover? Hmmmm.......please be decent by letting your husband know how you feel, file for divorce, settle things with soon to be ex and then go be with your other man. Hey, if you get NOTHING from this divorce, the house goes into foreclosure and your credit rating plummets...well.....just something you have to be prepared to accept. I am not so sure you all were not going to lose the house anyways related to his legal nightmare. I doubt you get much out of the divorce financial wise.
Do you really know this man? Yes, you have spent some time together, but I really don't think enough to be moving in with him. What about your son? This just isn't good for him to see mommy "bouncing" from one man to another. Is the present husband his dad? Just make sure you aren't "jumping from the frying pan into the fire."
I can understand the situation with your husband has drained you "dry" per se and that you feel you need to leave for your own well-being and happiness, but why move in with the another man so soon? Why not be by yourself for a bit?
Bottom line: Come clean with your present husband BEFORE preceding to do ANYTHING and DON'T move in with this other man too soon.
Do you really know this man? Yes, you have spent some time together, but I really don't think enough to be moving in with him. What about your son? This just isn't good for him to see mommy "bouncing" from one man to another. Is the present husband his dad? Just make sure you aren't "jumping from the frying pan into the fire."
I can understand the situation with your husband has drained you "dry" per se and that you feel you need to leave for your own well-being and happiness, but why move in with the another man so soon? Why not be by yourself for a bit?
Bottom line: Come clean with your present husband BEFORE preceding to do ANYTHING and DON'T move in with this other man too soon.
Oh yea, as far as the house goes, there are ways around that so you don't end up in foreclosure. Not sure where you live but there are all kinds of programs that will buy your home or you can do a quick sale. So don't let the house be one of the reasons you stay. Good luck to you.
Specialmom hit it right on.. I completely agree, you do need to leave your husband the right way. It sounds like the guy from Texas is willing to wait for you. So take your break from him, leave your husband, and get all your things in order. If the guy from Texas is still waiting then go for it. The main thing here is letting your current husband know that its over.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Well, let me be honest. You by no means have to stay married to your husband----- but starting a relationship before ending that one was the wrong thing to do. The wimpy thing to do. It is not a show of a strong woman to have to have another man to run to in order to escape a bad marriage.
And unfortunately, you have doomed any real hopes of a long term marriage with the next guy. Why? He'll never fully trust you. He knows that you will cheat and be with someone else if things get bad between the two of you. You've shown him that. He's also shown you that he has no qualms about hooking up with a married woman as well which deep down will make you wonder about his character too.
So what should you do?? Dead honest here-------------- go ahead and leave your husband. Like a big girl. Not waiting for him to be out of sight so you don't have to face him. Tell him that his situation drained you and along with other things, you no longer love him and are happy. You want to move out. And here is the tough thing for you------ you've been unhappy for a long time---- hopefully you have educated yourself or been trained in something to provide yourself an income. If you must go from man to man to support yourself, you will always end up with guys that aren't great. Love doesn't bloom just because we need a roof over our head and food on the table. So, you need to be self sufficient. Perhaps your husband will pay some support as well. But you need to live---- MAN FREE---- for a year or so.
Now, I know you won't probably do that based on what you've written. Psychologically, it would be best. But I'm not gathering you'll all of a sudden change who you are to do that----- so, the second best option for you is to tell the Texas guy that you need some time. Take a break---- and during that time, leave your husband. Start the divorce. Your husband deserves to have you leave him properly rather than sneaking away. Do it. Then after that is started, move to Texas. I guess. (I really think it is dumb to uproot our kids for a man we really don't know 'that' well . .. especially if it means leaving their other parent and family/friends.)
But you should end one thing before starting the next. It's the right thing to do.
So, hopefully you will take this advice in the light I intend it which is to help. I do wish you well and hope your life works out for you.
And unfortunately, you have doomed any real hopes of a long term marriage with the next guy. Why? He'll never fully trust you. He knows that you will cheat and be with someone else if things get bad between the two of you. You've shown him that. He's also shown you that he has no qualms about hooking up with a married woman as well which deep down will make you wonder about his character too.
So what should you do?? Dead honest here-------------- go ahead and leave your husband. Like a big girl. Not waiting for him to be out of sight so you don't have to face him. Tell him that his situation drained you and along with other things, you no longer love him and are happy. You want to move out. And here is the tough thing for you------ you've been unhappy for a long time---- hopefully you have educated yourself or been trained in something to provide yourself an income. If you must go from man to man to support yourself, you will always end up with guys that aren't great. Love doesn't bloom just because we need a roof over our head and food on the table. So, you need to be self sufficient. Perhaps your husband will pay some support as well. But you need to live---- MAN FREE---- for a year or so.
Now, I know you won't probably do that based on what you've written. Psychologically, it would be best. But I'm not gathering you'll all of a sudden change who you are to do that----- so, the second best option for you is to tell the Texas guy that you need some time. Take a break---- and during that time, leave your husband. Start the divorce. Your husband deserves to have you leave him properly rather than sneaking away. Do it. Then after that is started, move to Texas. I guess. (I really think it is dumb to uproot our kids for a man we really don't know 'that' well . .. especially if it means leaving their other parent and family/friends.)
But you should end one thing before starting the next. It's the right thing to do.
So, hopefully you will take this advice in the light I intend it which is to help. I do wish you well and hope your life works out for you.
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