Aa
Please, I need an some opinions!
I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?
PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!
PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!
there are so many red flags in this relationship, that i would get out of it, it sounds like he is stringing you along. also you are to young to not want children in the furture luck jo
The first BIG red flag to me is that he was 31 dating an 18 year old. What does a 31 year old want with an 18 year old? Why is he not seeing women his own age? There's a reason he's not dating women his own age. The same holds true for a 35 year old and a 22 year old. You both are on way different pages. You've hardly lived life and he's more experienced. You want the things he's already had. He's not looking for anything serious, hence why he's dating someone much younger than him and is not committing to you. He's already had his kids. He doesn't want any more. That's his right and I think it's a good idea seeing as he doesn't pay much attention to the 3 he already has. You need to move on to someone who wants the same things out of life as you do. Someone you can experience things with for the first time.....together. Not someone whose already been there, done that and has the baggage to prove it.
One can't tell what the future holds.
So, you don't know if or how he'll change... for the better or for the worse.
So, what you base yourself on is what you know, right now.
And, from what you described, you're with a man who's 13 years older than you
(which isn't too bad); is somewhat distrusting of a woman's fidelity (not a good thing); says that he doesn't "... want to ever live with [you]" (a negative thing); and has
3 children who he knows little of in terms of personalities (a sad but very telling thing).
My question to you is: why are you with this man?
I can see why he's with you... you're young, single with no children which equals no or little baggage.
But, him? He's got a lot of baggage. And, that's only what you know of him, now.
I say, look for someone who is closer to your age, who hasn't fathered and is presumably supporting 3 kids, and isn't so down on women and relationships.
You should be having fun; not saddled with the concerns of a man who doesn't appear to be much of a "match" or "catch."
So, you don't know if or how he'll change... for the better or for the worse.
So, what you base yourself on is what you know, right now.
And, from what you described, you're with a man who's 13 years older than you
(which isn't too bad); is somewhat distrusting of a woman's fidelity (not a good thing); says that he doesn't "... want to ever live with [you]" (a negative thing); and has
3 children who he knows little of in terms of personalities (a sad but very telling thing).
My question to you is: why are you with this man?
I can see why he's with you... you're young, single with no children which equals no or little baggage.
But, him? He's got a lot of baggage. And, that's only what you know of him, now.
I say, look for someone who is closer to your age, who hasn't fathered and is presumably supporting 3 kids, and isn't so down on women and relationships.
You should be having fun; not saddled with the concerns of a man who doesn't appear to be much of a "match" or "catch."
TRUST. This is what it all comes down to and as a guy who has been there somewhat, I think I'll throw some feedback in now.
Not having anything to do with your kids and not wanting to have more.
First of all it is difficult if you have an even vaguely disgruntled ex to have even mediocre access to ones kids and in a country where 85% of women say that they want their ex completely out of their lives, except for the money, it is a wonder that more men don't walk away from their kids after a divorce.
In this case it sounds like he had three kids with were with the same woman and I would guess that he had started to put distance between them probably so he couldn't be hurt again. There is a reason that they say a divorce with kids is more stressful than a death psychologically and that is because a death has some degree of closure divorces have the same stress if your ex gets jollies out of it of a death stretched out over decades.
That having been said why would a man want to go throught that more than once? I would let him know that you understand his agony and see if he would be willing to look for a good counselor for MEN who specializes in divorce trauma.
So far as age, I can almost guarentee that most of the women on medhelp would have little problem with it were the sexes reversed. Heck I'm in my thirties and I would rather have pockets dug under my skin and have salt placed in their before I would date a woman of my own race, of similar age! American Caucasian women have a generally unhealthy attitude of the value and permanence of males. But that's just my general view of things. And BTW before anyone comments, I usually date women older than myself at least about the thirteen year age difference at this time of my life. May change maybe not but at least the baggage is healthier and the women seem to not be quite self absorbed in general.
But back to trust. He does talk to you about stuff that is generally hard for a guy to talk about, and I would suspect that he might even be somewhat tender emotionally to you. (If you can comment on this it would be appreciated) but his self confidence seems really low and I would say he is probably afraid of the pain of having more kids and then being relegated to being a visitor in their lives. If you care for him give him time and encourage him to talk to you and maybe see a counselor but don't be pushy about it at first.
LOL and regarding his daughters favorite color? This year I couldn't tell you my youngest daughters and I gp with her to shop for clothes, shoes purses etc and even have made jewelry etc with her.
One more thing? There are no best dads, no best moms, but rather good listeners who think and then decide when or when not to compromise. I wish you luck
Not having anything to do with your kids and not wanting to have more.
First of all it is difficult if you have an even vaguely disgruntled ex to have even mediocre access to ones kids and in a country where 85% of women say that they want their ex completely out of their lives, except for the money, it is a wonder that more men don't walk away from their kids after a divorce.
In this case it sounds like he had three kids with were with the same woman and I would guess that he had started to put distance between them probably so he couldn't be hurt again. There is a reason that they say a divorce with kids is more stressful than a death psychologically and that is because a death has some degree of closure divorces have the same stress if your ex gets jollies out of it of a death stretched out over decades.
That having been said why would a man want to go throught that more than once? I would let him know that you understand his agony and see if he would be willing to look for a good counselor for MEN who specializes in divorce trauma.
So far as age, I can almost guarentee that most of the women on medhelp would have little problem with it were the sexes reversed. Heck I'm in my thirties and I would rather have pockets dug under my skin and have salt placed in their before I would date a woman of my own race, of similar age! American Caucasian women have a generally unhealthy attitude of the value and permanence of males. But that's just my general view of things. And BTW before anyone comments, I usually date women older than myself at least about the thirteen year age difference at this time of my life. May change maybe not but at least the baggage is healthier and the women seem to not be quite self absorbed in general.
But back to trust. He does talk to you about stuff that is generally hard for a guy to talk about, and I would suspect that he might even be somewhat tender emotionally to you. (If you can comment on this it would be appreciated) but his self confidence seems really low and I would say he is probably afraid of the pain of having more kids and then being relegated to being a visitor in their lives. If you care for him give him time and encourage him to talk to you and maybe see a counselor but don't be pushy about it at first.
LOL and regarding his daughters favorite color? This year I couldn't tell you my youngest daughters and I gp with her to shop for clothes, shoes purses etc and even have made jewelry etc with her.
One more thing? There are no best dads, no best moms, but rather good listeners who think and then decide when or when not to compromise. I wish you luck
Maybe I should have said more about our relationship. He is committed to me- we spend a lot of time together and talk a few times a day on the phone if we don't see eachother. I was in a very bad situation and doing very bad things when I met him and he kind of helped me out of it and took care of me until I got on my feet. Now I have a job and we work different shifts (I work 2nd, him 1st) and he will stay up until I get out of work when he used to go to bed an hour earlier so he can say goodnight to me. If he goes out with his kids while I'm sleeping when I wake up he asks what do you wanna eat? I'll go pick it up for you. If he doesn't have his kids to feed he'll wait for me to get up until he eats so we go together. If I call him and say I need a new outfit, shoes, clothes, new earrings, basically anything and need a few extra dollars he doesn't hesitate if he has the money. I also do a lot for him, I get paid the day before him, usually when he just put the last of his money in his gas tank, and when I go cash my check I go get him pop or an energy drink to bring to work and some chips or something and I'll leave him a few dollars to buy breakfast at work in the morning. This morning he had to work (yes on saturday), and because I am a night person and stay up usually all night, I cooked lunch for him then I picked up mcdonalds for breakfast and we ate together. He gave me a kiss and left for work. I prefer older men because I have seen and done more than most 22 year olds and have had enough instability in my life that I need someone who's already stable. My experience is that young guys haven't experienced enough and still want to do things that I wouldn't want my man doing. They're still unsure of what they want in life, like I still am, and may change their mind in a second. My boyfriend rarely drinks, and usually it's with me if he does, doesn't go to the bar ever, does no drugs and has already experimented with them and is not interested. When he hangs out with his friends he usually invites me to come, even if I don't. He asks me to get on the phone with his brothers who live out of state so I can get to know them. We talk about everything- our relationship, his kids, his and my past (which I really talk to no one else about) the things we want in life. Sometime we joke around if one of us won the lottery what we would buy eachother. We even talk about life and death and heaven and hell. He has told me he's never known anybody he talked to like he does me and I feel the same way. The way I see it, he is committed, he's a lot different than when I met him and he is trusting me more. I accept him how he is as long as he isn't always mean and accusing, which he is neither. I know people go through things that make them how they are and everyone is different. It's also not just women he doesn't trust, it is men too. He has a hard time trusting his friends I think he definitely trusts me more than them. He's told me things his ex did to him and if someone did that stuff to me I'd be untrusting in my next relationship too. I realize this is some baggage but I feel if we stay together we could work through it- and it's not like I don't come with my own baggage. I am bipolar and when sometimes my family can't even stand me he will deal with me and be there for me. Sometimes I get paranoid and think he's always lying to me and out to get me, which I do even with my sisters and parents, but he waits it through and will be there for me and hold me when I cry- even if it's him I'm mad at for no reason. Really we both have our issues but we've figured out how to work them out for the most part and how to deal with them. I think our relationship is as healthy as it can be between a bipolar person and someone who is emotionally damaged.
What I'm worried about is can he be a good dad? I don't want just a decent dad, which he's always been, I want my kid to feel he's got the best dad in the world. I should have mentioned also that while he was only seeing his 2 kids about once a month his third actually lived with him. Also, their mom rarely picked up the son who lived with his dad. He has always paid child support for the two but the third recently decided he misses his mom and wanted to live with her again. His dad was very hurt but I talked to him about how sometimes kids, especially if they were raised mostly by their mom, need their mom sometimes and he did not do it to hurt his dad and he needed to put his kid's wants and needs before his own. Which is what brought up the subject of him seeing his kids and me thinking I wanted a better dad for mine. Now he sees them every other week. We got them on the 4th and went to the fireworks. And as for not knowing his kids well, he was not raised like most of us. He's not american and where he came from they have no gas, no running water. They heated their house with a wood stove. He has had very little schooling because he had to start working at a young age, and I really think he just never learned from his dad how to interact with kids. He was raised in an environment that what you mostly worry about is how you'll buy your next meal. No govt help no medicaid. If someone got sick they could just die and nobody but their family would care because everyone is too worried about helping their own family survive. I see how he is from where he's from, but he seems like he wants to be a good dad to his kids. When I tell him what I think a good dad is, he tries to be that. I think there's more to being a dad than putting food on the table, which is what a dad does where he's from. What I want to know is without my influence and maybe if there was someone else influencing him differently would he stay a good dad? I can see he has changed but will he stay this way? I have no doubt if I had a kid with him in a few years he would do more than a lot of dads do. He'd be there financially and physically but I want more than that.
What I'm worried about is can he be a good dad? I don't want just a decent dad, which he's always been, I want my kid to feel he's got the best dad in the world. I should have mentioned also that while he was only seeing his 2 kids about once a month his third actually lived with him. Also, their mom rarely picked up the son who lived with his dad. He has always paid child support for the two but the third recently decided he misses his mom and wanted to live with her again. His dad was very hurt but I talked to him about how sometimes kids, especially if they were raised mostly by their mom, need their mom sometimes and he did not do it to hurt his dad and he needed to put his kid's wants and needs before his own. Which is what brought up the subject of him seeing his kids and me thinking I wanted a better dad for mine. Now he sees them every other week. We got them on the 4th and went to the fireworks. And as for not knowing his kids well, he was not raised like most of us. He's not american and where he came from they have no gas, no running water. They heated their house with a wood stove. He has had very little schooling because he had to start working at a young age, and I really think he just never learned from his dad how to interact with kids. He was raised in an environment that what you mostly worry about is how you'll buy your next meal. No govt help no medicaid. If someone got sick they could just die and nobody but their family would care because everyone is too worried about helping their own family survive. I see how he is from where he's from, but he seems like he wants to be a good dad to his kids. When I tell him what I think a good dad is, he tries to be that. I think there's more to being a dad than putting food on the table, which is what a dad does where he's from. What I want to know is without my influence and maybe if there was someone else influencing him differently would he stay a good dad? I can see he has changed but will he stay this way? I have no doubt if I had a kid with him in a few years he would do more than a lot of dads do. He'd be there financially and physically but I want more than that.
Thank you that is how I feel, he is very tender towards me and I can definitely understand what he's going through with his ex. He seems like he really wants to be a good dad and really wants me to think of him as a good dad. I never told him he was a bad dad or anything like that, I've always told him he's a great dad. I don't want you to think I'm cutting him down. I just told him he's not like my dad, and I want my child to have a dad like mine. I love my dad more than anyone and he's always there for me. He's seen me through some very bad times and always does whatever he can for me and I talk to him about everything. We are so close and I just hope to find someone who will be close to their dad like I am with mine. If i told my dad today I really liked something but it's too expensive I would probably get it for christmas. My dad tried to get custody of me and my sister when my parents split up but didn't so he saw us every other weekend and on tuesdays and thursdays. I realize there are probably very few people like my dad out there and the chances of finding one are very slim, so I think I just answered my own question. If he's willing to even try to be a dad like that I think I need to at least let him have the chance. Thank you all, your opinions really helped me realize what a great guy I have, problems and all.
Actually there are quite a few dads like yours but more often than not they are left broke, broken, and broken hearted by a very broken system that believes in the myth of maternal instinct, and sadly, a majority of mothers who put their desires on equal or greater par than the children's desires or needs.
So sadly in a more than unequal country where men have no rights they give up.
So sadly in a more than unequal country where men have no rights they give up.
Why do you think men have no rights? I don't know where you live but here men have just as much a chance of getting their kids as the mom. Just like if the dad refuses to pay child support and the mom has to bring him to court to get it, unless a parent is abusive toward the children the court will give them at least visitation, which if the parent with custody doesn't allow they will get in trouble. Why is it that some parents are willing to and sometimes have to fight for the support but it is too hard to fight for visitation in court? My mom told the judge my dad was trying to kill her but he still ordered her to bring us for visitation. We had to meet at a grocery store to get picked up and dropped off. Also, the reason my mom was given custody instead of my dad was my choice. I was the oldest child and they told me I could decide where to live, and being the kind of person I am I said I wanted to live with my mom because she needed us more and my dad id stronger than her. So what is it about this whole custody thing that's so unfair toward men?
And I don't want you to think I'm saying anything about you, I realize things may be different where you're from and there may very well be more good dads than I think, I just an speaking from my experience and having a lot of male friends who don't do much for their kids. I actually met someone who was celebrating having his something like 8th kid because here if you have too many kids the court won't make you pay child support. I just think your kids should always come first and if you dont want to see your kids because you dont wanna see their mom, there are ways of picking up and dropping off you won't ever have to even speak to eachother.
In the U.S. & England men have almost no rights when it comes to getting custody, or even having visitation enforced. I believe the stats are less than 20% if they are married and kids are male also, less than that if the children are female or the parents are not married. NO MATTER who the reality of primary caregiver is.
Mothers percentagewise are more likely to be deadbeat parents yet fathers are more likely to end up with it as a jailable offense. In a custody matter in America fathers have to spend 5 dollars for every 1 a woman will be charged for the same results but she is more likelt to be able to get free legal assistance.
I am curious what/where you are from that you think things are so equal?
Mothers percentagewise are more likely to be deadbeat parents yet fathers are more likely to end up with it as a jailable offense. In a custody matter in America fathers have to spend 5 dollars for every 1 a woman will be charged for the same results but she is more likelt to be able to get free legal assistance.
I am curious what/where you are from that you think things are so equal?
Why did your mother "need" you? A no fighting for visitation is not the same as fighting for child support, many courts will have the states attorney represent them for child support THIS does not happen for visitation.
Check your facts.
Check your facts.
I'm sorry but you are never going to find someone who is a perfect father or a perfect partner. No one is perfect. This guy sounds like a great man and you are just focusing on one aspect of him. I think it's kind of ridiculous how you are focusing on how he is as a father when you do not even have kids or want kids at this point in your life.
You said he was raised in an environment where the father's role was to only be a provider. But you just expect him to automatically go against his nature and the way he was brought up without any influence from anyone else? He can't change his ways unless he knows he is supposedly doing something wrong(in your eyes at least). Which to be blunt I think he was being a great father just by providing for his kids because there are many fathers out there who do not even do that so cut the guy a break!
Clearly he cares about you since he has made an effort to change his fatherly ways when you brought it up. The guy is willing to change his views on parenting and the way he was brought up to make you happy, so that in your eyes he will be a better father. What more can you ask for?
As to your comments about your dad, I'm a little confused. You say your dad was the greatest dad and you're really close to him, but then you say that your mom told the courts your dad tried to kill her???? Was she telling the truth? If so why would you think a man who tried to kill your own mother is such a great guy??
You said he was raised in an environment where the father's role was to only be a provider. But you just expect him to automatically go against his nature and the way he was brought up without any influence from anyone else? He can't change his ways unless he knows he is supposedly doing something wrong(in your eyes at least). Which to be blunt I think he was being a great father just by providing for his kids because there are many fathers out there who do not even do that so cut the guy a break!
Clearly he cares about you since he has made an effort to change his fatherly ways when you brought it up. The guy is willing to change his views on parenting and the way he was brought up to make you happy, so that in your eyes he will be a better father. What more can you ask for?
As to your comments about your dad, I'm a little confused. You say your dad was the greatest dad and you're really close to him, but then you say that your mom told the courts your dad tried to kill her???? Was she telling the truth? If so why would you think a man who tried to kill your own mother is such a great guy??
my relationship with my father has nothing to do with hi relationship with my mom. I don't know who was telling the truth but their relationship is not mine, so why is that so confusing? My dad never treated me wrong. Also, I think if more people had the forethought to consider what kind of father someone will be before they have kids together less people will end up with kids dads who don't want their kids. Do you plan on meeting someone and getting to know them and what kind of person they are enough to have kids with them in a few months? That's what's wrong with so many families today, and why so many kids suffer because their parents didn't consider everything that needs to be considered. Like I said, if I need to meet someone else to have kids with it could take years. Should I wait until I want a kid so bad I don't care who the dad is? I am not saying people cant meet and have kids together and it will work out well, but is it wrong to want to be sure? This is a commitment that will last a lifetime whether I regret it or not. And if you read what I wrote you will see I said he was a good father, but not the kind of father I want my child to have. Actually a lot of the things you said to contradict me were the same things I said in different words..... I also never said I want a perfect father because no one is perfect, nut I have qualities I want my kids dad to have I'm not sure my boyfriend has. I never said anything about a perfect partner, our relationship is anything but perfect but I love him and will try to stick it out with him, since like I said I decided all I can do is trust him and give him a chance. And I also said (or implied) I don't want him to be a better father for me, I want him to do it for his kids. If he is doing it for me and we have a kid and then break up who will he be acting for? Sure not me. What will make him treat my kid how I want his dad to? Also I never asked him to change I just told him he's not the kind of father I want for my kid. He asked why I told him he's a great dad, which I wrote above and apparently you did not notice, but he's not like my dad and I want my kid to have a dad like mine. The only thing I asked him for his kids sake was to see his kids more. The rest he is doing himself, with my help but I am not forcing him. Is it wrong that I think if I bring a kid in this world my responsibility is to give him the best life I can so he can grow up and be a healthy member of society? When I decide I am ready to have a kid I know I'm deciding to put someone before myself for at least 18 years. When I have a kid I know my needs will go after the needs of my child. I think if more parents went into this with this state of mind a lot of kids would be a lot better off. So go ahead and hate on me for wanting to be responsible and think this completely through. I won't be sitting home alone with a two year old wishing I hadn't jumped into something I wasn't ready for with someone who disappeared when I was 6 months pregnant. And about the child support and custody, both my parents paid for their own lawyer. And the same lawyers dealt with both things. You say stuff about the United States, do you not realize most of this stuff is actually decided by the state govt.? The US has laws, but the states all have their own laws which may be different. Like I said, this is how it works where I'm from. I think the free legal assistance is determined by income, not by the sex of the parent. I'm not sure about for custody or support cases, but I know thats how it works for criminal cases and I'm sure it's the same. And unless the court has a good reason to deny visitation I have never heard of them doing this. I have a friend with a history of drug problems but he was still granted supervised visitation. He did drug tests every week and eventually got unsupervised visitation, then he actually got custody. He went to court multiple times and paid for it all himself, while paying for child support and his rent and all other bills. I guess his kids were just worth it to him. The courts want the kids to have both of their parents! Maybe you had a bad experience and maybe you would have to pay lawyers and what not to get custody, but how is this any worse than a mom caring for 3 kids alone and the dad ran off? It would be hard, you might not have money for a while, but at least when court is over you will have what you want and things will get easier. Would it be right for a mother to give up and drop her kids to the state because she can't afford to support them alone and the dad is gone? Why should a man give up on his kids because of a little financial hardship? Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it!
And all I said is men do have rights, you say they dont. Why do you get upset about this? Then you change to men have a harder time getting custody, visitation, etc. That's a lot different than no rights.
sorry I dont know how to edit, but as far as going to court, getting in contact with lawers, and all the letter writing and dealing with friend of the court fighting for child support is the same as fighting for visitation. And I'm sure people who have to pay their own lawyer don't just give up on getting child support. It is a pathetic excuse to abandon your kids!
You have absolutely no idea what your talking about! Talk to your father and you boyfriend and this time listen to them.
wow what do you mean this time listen to them? this is stuff i learned from my dad. What am I so wrong about? I'm sorry for whatever bad experiences you had to make you feel this way, but this is my experience and my family's experience and my friends and their families have experienced similar things. So because you had a different experience than others that means you are right? I just asked my dad about it and he said his visitation was granted at the same time my mom's child support and custody was determined, he didn't even have to go back to court! How do you presume to tell me you know more about the laws of a state you dont live in, you don't even live in this country! Really say what you want, think you have no rights, and keep feeling bad for yourself. That will get a lot done.
And I am curious, what percentage of mothers are deadbeat parents and what percentage of fathers? You seem to know so much about this, but I know several people who are single mothers with no support from the father but I only know 1 man who takes care of his kids without help, and their mom is dead. I would also like to know where you found these percentages, as I would be very interested to see them myself.
I have two kids. Niether of which were planned. Me and my husband had no idea what to do with kids. I would never have thought that my husband would have been as good of a father as he is because my husband wasn't even sure he wanted kids. But my son came along and my hubby completely changed. He took responsibility for him and yeah he didn't help me too much with the diaper changing etc but he worked extra hard so that i could stay home and take care of our child(which is what i wanted to do) he made the effort to provide for our family and before our son came along we both had jobs and both used our money for whatever.
That to me is a good parent. He sacrificed his wants to make a better life for all of us. And this was a man who would go out and buy and do whatever on a whim because that's how he was raised. Now he saves money, opened a college fund for the kids, and hasn't bought anything for himself unless it was necessary in 2+ years.
Sorry for the book, but i just wanted to give you an example that people can and do change.
And anyways, now that i re-read your first post i want to add this.
The guy told you he doesn't want anymore kids(and at 35 i'm pretty sure he knows his own mind by now) and you obviously want kids. If he does not want anymore kids then wondering about how good a father he will be in the future is completely useless. I mean he could change his mind, but I doubt he will.
That to me is a good parent. He sacrificed his wants to make a better life for all of us. And this was a man who would go out and buy and do whatever on a whim because that's how he was raised. Now he saves money, opened a college fund for the kids, and hasn't bought anything for himself unless it was necessary in 2+ years.
Sorry for the book, but i just wanted to give you an example that people can and do change.
And anyways, now that i re-read your first post i want to add this.
The guy told you he doesn't want anymore kids(and at 35 i'm pretty sure he knows his own mind by now) and you obviously want kids. If he does not want anymore kids then wondering about how good a father he will be in the future is completely useless. I mean he could change his mind, but I doubt he will.
Just google deadbeet moms... It's not any secret.
Here is part of one article though...
Single dads are sick and tired of being labeled "deadbeats" when it comes to paying child support. And data suggest they have good reason to be upset.
The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts.
Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.
That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures.
Men who are due child support are also getting tired of deadbeat moms' excuse that they can't pony up the money, and some courts have responded.
California lawyer Eudene Eunique in February was denied a passport because she was $30,000 behind in child-support. Instead of spending money on visiting her family in Mexico and on business contracts, the appeals court ruled Eunique�s money should go to her kids.
Here is part of one article though...
Single dads are sick and tired of being labeled "deadbeats" when it comes to paying child support. And data suggest they have good reason to be upset.
The percentage of "deadbeat" moms is actually higher than that of dads who won't pay, even though mothers are more consistently awarded custody of children by the courts.
Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.
That compares with 68 percent of dads who pay up, according to the figures.
Men who are due child support are also getting tired of deadbeat moms' excuse that they can't pony up the money, and some courts have responded.
California lawyer Eudene Eunique in February was denied a passport because she was $30,000 behind in child-support. Instead of spending money on visiting her family in Mexico and on business contracts, the appeals court ruled Eunique�s money should go to her kids.
Here is another thought. Why did your mom "need" you? You do realize that if your dad is the person that you said he is the chances are that your mom tried to use an OP to get custody as it requires none of the burden of proof that most crimes do.
And yet another post! This is the start of a post on Medhelp! Read all of the first line!
Boyfriend's Sex Drive
by ladylee, Nov 15, 2006 12:00AM
Tags: frequency, relationships, Kids, sleep, Work
My boyfriend has custody of his 2 young children and since the mother has taken off due to non-payment of child support and fear of being arrested, my boyfriend and I have very little time for love making.
Boyfriend's Sex Drive
by ladylee, Nov 15, 2006 12:00AM
Tags: frequency, relationships, Kids, sleep, Work
My boyfriend has custody of his 2 young children and since the mother has taken off due to non-payment of child support and fear of being arrested, my boyfriend and I have very little time for love making.
Yes, he told me he didn't want anymore kids when we first got together and I also didn't want kids. When I got older and mentioned I wanted a kid someday he said he would have one more baby with me, but in a few years when his kids are older. And I am happy the situation worked out for you and your husband, but this situation is different. My dad also was like your husband, actually he had a daughter older than me he has never even met. When I was born though, for some reason he was ready and has been the best father since. But I don't have to wonder if my boyfriend will take responsibility for a baby if we had one, I know he would because he did with his other kids. But to me there are things much more important than money. I'm not wondering what kind of kid's dad he will be to me, but what kind of father he would be to my kid..... does this make sense? Some of my best memories with my dad have been when he was laid off and broke. We would rent scary movies (the old ones) and make homemade popcorn (the kind you get a giant bag of for like a dollar and will last forever) and just hang out. We talked about everything, made fun of my spoiled step siblings. He put me and my sister before everything. Maybe I should have been more clear- having monetary support is important, but I also want a dad who will be able to create the kind of relationship with my child that I have with my dad. If I had a good enough job to pay the bills and put food on the table and clothes on our backs, I wouldn't care if he was a stay at home dad as long as he is loving and affectionate and attentive to his kids. Does this make better sense now? Maybe it would have been better to say a different kind of dad than a better dad.
Why is it your business why my mom needed me or what happened with them in the custody hearing? Like I said, they left the choice up to me about where I wanted to live. If I had said with my dad the court would have granted custody to my dad, with or without my mother's accusations. These people aren't completely stupid, they know people will lie to a judge to get the results they want and as far as I know without proof or witnesses an accusation doesn't often hold up in court........... I really don't know how we even got to this subject from your declaration that men have no rights, they obviously do. You forgot to put the numbers for the deadbeat dads besides the percentages......... I'm also pretty sure every kid has a mom and dad- so for every mom there has to be a dad right? So if there are 289,000 deadbeat mothers out there, how many deadbeat fathers are there? LOL and I never said there aren't dads who take care of their kids alone or moms who are bad moms, I am not stupid. All I said is you highly exaggerate when you say men have no rights for their kids. Do you deny this? I hope you don't get upset about this whole conversation or take it too seriously, but we can talk as long as you want I love to hear the opinions of others about controversial things and I like to hear why they think these things- and hey maybe you can still change my mind about it. I openly admit I don't know that much about the subject, just what I've seen and experienced. You could be right for all I know, but I don't think so......
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