Please, I need an some opinions!

[beautifulbritty712]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!

[peaceinknowing]

Although a lot of the back and forth drama throughout this thread has given me a smile here and there tonight, I felt the need to comment on your ORIGINAL question you posted way up above in regard to your boyfriend and what opinions you're asking for from the members here on the forums.

I have to say, that a lot of times people get very defensive when they get on here and ask a question as to what other people feel [a bit of advice, in other words] they should do when it comes to their relationship. When these people get the advice they don't wish to hear, the defense brick wall gets built up and drama is created between two people who are both hiding behind a computer screen. Lets all try and get along and focus on the fact that you're looking for advice rather than an argument, shall we?

After reading everything you've posted here, I feel it to be within your best interest to be 18 years old and have a good life. Not one that's allowed for you to be tied down to someone who waits up just to tell you goodnight over the phone. I mean sure, that's a sweet gesture of him to do this for you when you're unable to visit with one another; But the fact of the matter is, that not everything in this relationship is as honky dory as you're defending it to be. Otherwise, you never would've come to the forums asking for advice from the other members here. If I'm wrong, then I'll owe up to that - However, I think I just might have a semi decent point in what I'm saying to you.

This man is almost twice your age and will be eternally bound to another due to the fact that there are children involved with this other woman. Some people can handle this and some can not. Unfortunately, the majority rule tells us that more people have issues with this than not.

Also, I have to agree with what a lot of people are telling you here when they say that there is more than likely a good reason why he isn't dating someone of his maturity level and age right now. I know that this isn't always the case in situations such as this one, but once again it does happen more often than not. There are always three sides to every story when it comes to a divorce, and that is his side, her side and the truth.

Keep posting here and try and keep a positive attitude about things. Once again, it's not the best thing in the world to get extremely defensive with other people that you've come to for help. I noticed a few of your older posts on here, and this seems to be a trend where you come on the forum, ask a question, and then become fragile to the point of building a defense mechanism against what words of advice you don't wish to hear. Please don't view my words as attacking you right now, as I'm only an innocent bystander who has been on the outside looking in throughout this entire thread's time here on the boards. There's always going to be people who agree with you, and then there will be people who are going to give you their honest opinions whether it's something you wish to hear or not. The point is, is that you must try and keep in mind that YOU came to members seeking out their advice for you and your current situation.

Best of luck to you and yours, as I hope everything turns out for the best.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thanks, but I know he won't do anything legal about it unless his kids said it bothers them, but they are too young I think to realize what is happening. She never planned anything for the weekends, every time he wanted his kids she would let him get them. And they were always home. Now for the last couple months he has been taking them every other weekend and now in the beginning of july she started sending only 2 kids, that is not fair he only sees his kids a couple times a month. I think maybe she started doing this because their son lived w/ my bf before, now I think she sends one away a week so she doesn't have them all at once. She also has 2 other kids from her new relationship, so I can understand she probably gets overwhelmed at times.

[mami1323]

You can look at your bf's situation in one of two ways.  One, yes, she shouldn't have scheduled the party on his weekend.  If it's his weekend and she tries to dictate the scheduling or tell him that she wants her back early or whatever it's considered interferring with his visitation.  If they have a schedule in place through the courts and he has a written agreement he can take her back to court saying that she was interferring with his weekend.  He should write down and record all of the times she does do this.  It could build his case.  If he is consistent on the weekends he does have her he can then go to court and petition for more time.  Now here's the second way to look at it and please don't take offense.  Up until recently he hasn't been very good about seeing his children.  It may be because of her or it may be because he chose that but still he didn't see his children more than once a month.  Due to this, she decided not to bother working with his schedule and planned things without considering him since he wasn't really doing his part in his children's lives.  So now that he is, she is just used to planning things her way and doesn't really see things his way.  He doesn't need to keep the peace with her even though it's nice if their relationship is amicable for the children's sake.  If he feels that she is being unreasonable or is taking from his time, he can say something.  He can tell her that he knows she planned a party but it's his weekend and she really should've spoken with him first because he planned as well.  Make sure she knows that for next year things will be done differently.  Hope this helps a little.  The courts may not always side with him.  I know in my fiance's case, the judge was completely unreasonable and took her side.  So I think that's exactly what Sam is referring to.  Good luck.

[beautifulbritty712]

Thank you but attorneys are not an option. This case is quite different than a lot of others but I won't go into details about it because it is my bf's business and that I know he won't want me telling people about. Again, I am sorry I messed with you a little but sometimes I get carried away with things. I hope you can forgive me for it, I realize I was arguing just to argue and some people don't like that but I kept going even after I realized it is a sensitive subject to you, and I shouldn't have done that. Sorry again, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your situation.

[SeriousSam]

I work with several grandparent, and father's rights groups, but I really don't think you would click to well with most of them so it would probably not be a good idea to forward you to them as at least two of the better ones are run by fathers who kids have died at the hands of mom's  if you think I get upset you would heve them livid.

.  You might be better just checking out findlaw or a pay for site or better yet ask your mom to reccomend a good attorney.

[beautifulbritty712]

I realize how some women are- and now it seems his ex is starting to act like this but we will see. He wanted to take his kids last weekend, and it should have been his weekend, but their mom sent one of the kids to his grandma's house. He planned to celebrate his daughter's birthday last weekend, but their mom said wait until next weekend so you can have them all. Now he talked to her last night and she said he can take them to dinner sat. night but they have to come the same night b/c she planned a party and then the bday girl is leaving to her grandma's house. This upset him because he planned to have a little party himself on sunday, now he can't. He will work until 7, then he has to go home shower and dress and then drive 20 minutes toi get them. He didn't get the cake because he thought he'd do that today so he could have it on sunday, so I am going to get it for him while he's working. So he has about three hours to get ready, get them, go eat, and come home for cake and presents. That b doesn't even know I am going to get the cake for him, if I didn't he would have to do that too and have less time with his kids. I think she is doing this on purpose, why would she sent his son away when she knew he wanted them that weekend? Then say he can have this weekend even though she has plans for them this weekend? I guess she sends one kid to her mom's every weekend, shouldn't she do this on her weekends instead of his? I am not saying women aren't horrible, I know we can be just like men can be too. I am not saying it would always be easy for a  dad to get custody, but it is possible and dads do have rights to their kids. The things I said were taken out of proportion, maybe I said them poorly. I also said I was speaking from my experiences and everyone has different experiences, I did not say he was wrong about everything and I actually got a little too into this and was arguing with him just to argue, which I realize some people don't like and I apologized for upsetting him. I admitted I don't know a lot about this, and I would like to learn more. But maybe from someone who won't take things I say too personal. I do not claim to be right all the time and I know I am often wrong, so I was seeing if he would change my mind about it, which he didn't but maybe someone else could, or maybe they couldn't who knows? Anyway, and advise how to help my bf deal with his kids mom would be appreciated, or any comments anyone wants to share feel free I will consider everything. Maybe this was a mistake on her part though, or poor planning. I hope it doesn't become a habit, but if it does I will post a thing on here then to see what people think. Thanks for your input.