Please, I need an some opinions!

[beautifulbritty712]

I have been with my boyfriend on and off since I was 18 and I'm 22, but he's 35. His age doesn't bother me, but I think his relationship to the girl he was with before me made him so untrusting. He thinks all females lie and cheat, probably the same way I used to feel about guys before I met him. He doesn't act real jealous or anything like that or always accuse me of cheating, but we talk about everything and sometimes when we're talking this stuff comes up. He says he doesn't want to ever live with me because he thinks I'll "just get sick of him after a little while". He has 3 kids with his ex and used to only see them once a month or less. I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids? But recently since Ive been kind of pressuring him about this (I even told him I wouldn't let him be the father of my child so we would have to break up eventually) and now he's wanting to see his kids more. He has been taking them every other weekend and calling them during the week. But when I asked about his daughter's favorite color (her bday is this week and I wanted to get her a gift) he doesn't know. I asked what kinds of games she likes and what toys she likes and he doesn't know. I was able to tell him she likes baseball and soccer and I've only hung out with her a few times. He said he didn't know he was supposed to talk to his kids like that and I told him they're people too if he wants a good relationship with them when they're older they need to get closer now, so he said when they come over this weekend he'll actually talk to them instead of just going shopping and eating and letting them play etc. My questions are this- He seems like he's changing to be a really good dad and I've been thinking maybe this could be long term.... but do you think it's just because of my pressuring and maybe if we ended up with a kid and broken up he would be how he was before without me, or worse if he found a new girlfriend who didn't want him to be close with his kids? Or maybe he was reluctant to see his kids before because of his hurtful past with their mom? I am not naive, I don't believe in true love and I know people change, and while I can see myself being with him forever now, maybe he or I or both of us will be different in the future and not so compatible. We already fight a lot, but about stupid stuff and we usually only fight for a few minutes before we get over it. I am looking at this point for someone who will be a great dad to my child. I think if I plan to bring a kid into this world (which I'm not even positive about yet and would still be years in the future) it's my responsibility to give him the best life I can, including the best dad. I wouldn't really even care if I love the guy if I thought he would be a good enough dad, but do you think the guy I do love would turn out to be the father I hope for?

PS he said he doesn't even want anymore kids, three is enough. I was ok with that when I was younger but as I get older I'm changing my mind. I told him this and he said he would have one more kid with me, but not for a few years when his kids get older which is perfect because I think I'm still too young and I only want one kid. Now I am at the point I'm thinking I need to decide now to take him or leave him because it takes a long time to get to know somebody well enough to decide if what kind of person they really are (he still surprises me after 4 years) and it could take years to find somebody you like enough to even start a relationship with, so if I want a kid in 4 or 5 years I should have started thinking about this a couple years ago! If I'm wasting my time I can't afford to waste anymore. Please give me advice!

[mami1323]

Although Sam can come off as angry and bitter about his situation, he is very right.  A lot of women do use their children to hurt their exes in divorce.  Been there, have seen it done to my fiance and it only hurts the children.  Visitation and child support are separate issues in the courts.  So you have to understand, your father petitioned to get visitation that day your mom took him to court.  He is obligated to support you but he isn't obligated to be a part of your life.  My fiance went through an ugly divorce and was so afraid of having any more children because of the ongoing battle over his daughter and his ex-wife.  We did wind up having a child and when we had the most difficult moment in our relationship I refused to use our son as a pawn to hurt him.  No matter how bad things get between us, he loves his son and our son loves him and I will let him see his son as much as he wants.  But not a lot of women think like me.  Men are rarely given custody, unless the mother agrees on it or is neglectful.  My fiance gets to see his children twice a month from Friday night to Sunday night and that's every other weekend.  This is how it is.  So I don't blame your bf for not wanting to just jump into another decision about having a child without really thinking it through.  He needs to focus his attention on his 3 kids that he currently has a strained relationship with.  Seems that he's at least working on that.  Give him some time.  You are only 22, you have plenty of time to give him.

[beautifulbritty712]

Yeah I'm sure the reason my boyfriend told me he would have a kid- so he could have a kid with me is because he would never want a kid with me. If we had a kid and broke up I would be more than willing to let him have custody, as long as I thought he would do right for our child and I got visitation. You say Americans don't think of the consequences of their actions, I am thinking of the consequences of my actions and the possible results and you say it is wrong of me. Nobody is born with coping skills, they have to be developed and taught. I actually cope very well with my illness and lead a basically normal life. I am always looking to improve myself, and I respect your opinion that I shouldn't have kids but like I said it's your opinion, doesn't make it right. You know nothing about me, how do you say I would take it out on my boyfriend if we broke up? I don't think I said I am suicidal, I have had suicidal thoughts but I think a lot of people do, even people you would call normal. I know if a relationship doesn't work it is rarely the fault of one person, probably never. I may have a mental problem, I am not handicapped. You learned so much, but you presume to think everyone is the same? Just like in the books huh? Every person who is bipolar is irrational? Many people who are bipolar make good parents, if they know about their illness and learn about and take steps to control it. Maybe a more accurate example would be if somebody had an alcohol problem in their past, you think they shouldn't have kids because alcoholism runs in families? I guess you could go as far as saying short people or fat people shouldn't have kids because you don't like those genetic traits. You judge a lot of people, one thing doesn't make someone a bad person. Have you ever turned your eyes on yourself? You tell me all this stuff you think about me and you know nothing about me except what I have told you on here. I could say a lot about how you talked to me and reacted to me but I won't because in reality you may be a very understanding and compassionate person. Maybe if the subject of father's rights hadn't come up you and I would have been friends, who knows. I don't know what you've been through and I was talking to you because I thought- well this guy has a different point of view than I do, maybe I can learn something from him. But I don't think I have learned much. So respond how you want, call me whatever you want. If you can tell me something I'd be interested in learning about instead of telling me things you about me, and I guess you must know me so well by now, I will respond again, otherwise I won't keep antagonizing you as you seem to be getting very upset. As much as I've enjoyed our conversations I really don't want to be the one to make you have a bad day.


PS- I am very happy to be who I am, with the ups and down and everything in between. I am happy my parents had me at the time and under the circumstances they did. I am happy for the experiences I've had and the hard lessons I learned early in life, because without all this I would not be who I am today and I love myself. Being "normal" would probably be a lot easier, but I don't mind a little hardship because it will make me a stronger person in the end. Good luck with your kids and I'm sorry for messing with you a little, I know it was kinda mean and I don't want to be like that. I'm on here to get advice and try to help others if I am able.

[SeriousSam]

I am both an American, and a vet, and I have very close friends who have died in combat, and I work ith people in and for the government and more.  Plus I have a background in sociology, social work and psychology and have lived in eight countries for various durations so I think I am qualified to say that as a whole Americans do not listen, are insolent with little to be insolent about and generally live off the glory of a few without seeking to improve  themselves or considering the consequences of their actions.

RE: Genetics.  I would absolutely advise someone with an erratic genetic psychological condition to not be anywhere near kids, particularly since when you get a divorce or your husband (if/when married) divorced you, you have a higher chance of using them or taking it out on them.  You can't picture getting a divorce and letting your boyfriend have the kids right?

Plus you are suicidal by your own words which means that with the stress of possibly being bipolar themselves your kids are also more than likely be suicidal at sometime in their lives and likely not have needed coping skills.

With all the psychological issues you have, and as crazy as the world is, why do you think you have a right to have kids?  Because it will help YOU feel more stable? And then you have a repeat of what is going on wth you and your siblings?  Before you even think about kids or how suitable a dad is, considr if you get a divorce he is more likely than you to get custody because of your documentable history.

RE: dads.  The numbers you gave?  I notice you stayed away from percentages?  Less than 15% of dads get custody nationwide.  The sheer volume of numbers should say something about how skewed our country is and the amount of deadbeet moms.

Really I think your boyfriend knows what he is doing and if he ever does have kids, it probably will not, intentionally, be with you.

Regarding men and children?  You have no clue what type of subculture has developed because of how our country treats fathers and

[beautifulbritty712]

Well in the first place you don't have to call me indolent. My question had nothing to do with whether my boyfriend wants to have kids- where would you get that idea? What I wanted to know was basically whether he was acting differently for his kids' sake or for me? And I also know I might have times I would have trouble being a good parent because of my mental illness- which is why I want to make sure my child's father would be there emotionally through hard times. I need someone who is stable and loving. I think it is very important for me, probably more than mentally healthy people, to be careful who I choose to have kids with. Does this make sense? It would be a bad idea to throw two unstable people together and see what comes out of it, which is why I am so picky. As for bipolar being genetic- I am fully aware of this and have given it much thought. I might be a little crazy but I am happy with who I am and don't feel sorry for myself because of the hand I was dealt in life, I accept it and believe if my disorder passed on to my child I could teach him to accept it too. Would you tell someone who had breast cancer that she should never have kids because it can be genetic? Would you go as far as saying that because my dad's mother died of a brain tumor he shouldn't have had me because maybe the cancer gene will pass on to me? Well I will also accept that if it happens, life gives me what I get and I try to make the best of it. Would you say my dad should have denied me my life because I may get cancer in the future?

~Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?~
why should I be insecure enough to "do introspection?" I don't understand really but if you mean what I think then like I said I realize I may have issues which is why I need to be picky about who I have kids with.
~Re:  your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.~
I don't really understand this either, are you talking about me or my mom? Trust me I will be nothing like my mom. She put her boyfriend before her kids and I suffered for it and my sister suffered for it more than you will ever know. What exactly do you think took place? You seem to know more about this than I do I guess. I will be honest- I don't remember much but I have asked a lot of questions about it and the answers coincided with what I do remember, like my mom having to go through three different lawyers because the only cheap ones she could afford were not nearly as good as my dad's lawyer.

~I said to talk to your dad and boyfriend to find out what they really went through, and LISTEN carefully to what they say and what they do not say.  Most Americans do not listen very well they hear but do not listen. ~
I have talked to them and I don't understand what I'm supposed to be hearing they don't say, like I said I have a great relationship with my dad and he tells me what I ask about.... My dad never once, and he has told me about the long letters he had to write and the time he spent on hold for an hour and a half just to get hung up on, complained about what he went through to see his kids. I also went through this stuff when my former employer tried to deny my unemployment several times and I had to go to court for it several times....  Are you talking about the emotional pain he felt having his family torn apart? That was too hard? Well sorry but women feel that too at the end of a 10 year marriage. Also, why would you say bad things about americans? You are taking all of this way out of proportion.
~Personally this quote alone would make me hesitate having gone through the bad stuff " I started thinking that he's not the dad I would want to have kids with, what if we broke up, would he want to see his kids?" ~
Why shouldn't I consider this possibility?
    *  Number of marriages: 2,230,000
    * Marriage rate: 7.5 per 1,000 total population
    * Divorce rate: 3.6 per 1,000 population (46 reporting States and D.C.)
Should I act like the world isn't happening around me? Come on now, if you had had the forethought to consider how your girlfriend would react if you married and had kids with her then divorced, and when you thought of this you thought she would keep your kids from you, would you have married her? You don't ever wish you had considered this- then maybe, not for sure but maybe- you wouldn't have got hurt like you did. Maybe the woman you ended up with would want you to spend a lot of time with your kids. Hey maybe you would still even be married? I should jump into things without thinking of the consequences? Should I bet all my savings on a horse without looking at the odds? At least the savings I could earn back, you can't take back years of your life.

~Then talk to you mom, get her story. Then look up the old court papers.  They say that we become our parents, if we are not careful.  Are you sure that you won't beco,me your mom?  Read everything you wrote, Read the parts where you became defensive and ask yourself why they bothered you.~
I have talked to my mom, and I am not going to obsess about this enough to look up old court papers. The past is over- I try to learn from it and move on, or I actually may end up obsessing about it which is not good. I would love to be just like my dad, he is the most thoughtful, compassionate, caring, and generous man I have ever known. Being like a person does not mean you will repeat their mistakes to me, but you take on their personality traits or physical traits. Maybe some people but I try to learn from people's mistakes so I don't do the same thing myself. I am nothing like my mom, you could ask anybody who knows me and they will tell you I take after my dad so much. And where did I become defensive? I clarified my situation, then I corrected somebody who misread or misinterpreted, I'm not sure which. I don't feel the need to defend myself against anybody on here, think what you want about me. We all have our own opinions and are entitled to them. I won't judge you for judging me, I accept that as who you are and that is ok.

~you come from a broken family so does he, age differences, experiences and mindsets are already against you. ~
He does not come from a broken family, his parents may be poor but they are very happily married. He went through a broken family, but that is definitely not where he comes from.

~Plus sometimes it is not the "willing to get me anything" but "what would I give up for my child and what would I fight to deny her"  that is defining in whether you are a good parent and whether your children end up as spoiled rodents.~
Also very unclear to me- please explain...

~Census figures show only 57 percent of moms required to pay child support -- 385,000 women out of a total of 674,000 -- give up some or all of the money they owe. That leaves some 289,000 "deadbeat" mothers out there, a fact that has barely been reported in the media.~
Well since it is so sad I didn't google this I just did, and the same site said there are 2 million deadbeat dads. hmm. That is a higher number than the moms required to pay child support. Could this be because a lot of these dads don't want custody? they don't even help support their kids...

Like I said I will talk to you all you want about this, but I am not getting upset about this. You insulted me personally and you insulted americans, and still I am not offended because it is your opinion and you are entitled to think I am indolent and that americans don't understand things. I just wonder if we don't understand words as well as you, how is it you have misunderstood so much I have said?

[SeriousSam]

You will probably take this the wrong way but... I just read some of your other posts?  Are you shore you should become a mother?

First of all bipolar is genetic.  It is one of the mental illnesses that they have found a genetic marker for and I believe (could be wrong) that it is on the x chromosome?

If you have boyts of suicidal behavior, and all the rest of the stuff you posted you might not really be good parent material.  Or at the very least get all of that stuff completely cleared up in your head, medications stabilized befor you start passing that genetic material about and trying to raise a child.

[SeriousSam]

Back to you original question?  Leave the man alone.

Would he be a good dad maybe, in the end that's something he would have to decide. Something that you didn't say but should be insecure enough to do introspection is could you be a good mother?

Honestly the best parents most often have a great deal of doubt and try very hard, but to be a good parent very often you have to put what is best for who my kids will eventually be, and what do I just want because I would like it? And then make the decision that seems to usually be the least appealing.

We got on the subject because you wanted to know why your boyfriend  didn't want more kids.

Re:  your mom I still think even if you don't post it online you should have someheavy introspection about what took place and revisit as an adult before you create a relationship that is a sequel to their divorce.