Passwords

[PassionFlower09]

My husband changed all of our passwords and won't tell me what they are .I always had access to them.  I told my aunt who is a therapist. She said to let the jerk keep them. Open my own, and don't tell him the passwords. She said I need to start living my life, go out with friends.

I am trying to do this, but it still hurts when someone you love hurts you . I feel like Have been pushed to the edge of the earth. My husband is a stranger to me guys.  He is really an enemy. I don't understand.

All I can do is prepare myself and move on with my life. But my heart is torn into pieces.  When will this hell be over?

PassionFlower

[PassionFlower09]

RockRose and Imanaddict

Thank you.

[RockRose]

PassionFlower - I really wish you well.  Thank you for such a gracious response.

Your posts are painful to read - it's clear that you are in a lot of pain.

Prayers that you find a solution.

[imanaddict]

I have read most of the comments but not all so forgive me if I say something that has already been said. I, too, think a therapist will help you get through this difficult time. Your aunt is a therapist, and although she is a family member, she is trained to help deal with these situations, and she is someone you can trust. Hopefully she will give you unbiased advice..LOL! The anger that eats you up inside is obviously not healthy and it has to be released. I feel like a broken record when I say this because I've said it on 3 other posts today, but accept what you can't change and work on moving forward. I think you will be able to heal once you are away from him. Right now, you are still smack dab in the middle of all the issues, he's right there throwing them in your face everyday. I see why you're so upset, that is not an ideal situation. It will remain the same until something is done about it. Either leaving, or he does a 180 and decides to work on the marriage.

[PassionFlower09]

Thank you Special,

I inadvertently gave away so much of my power  and respect over the past years. Now I have to fight to get it back. I will never let it slip away again- maybe I will end up alone or maybe not, but I will never let this happen again.

PassionFlower09

[specialmom]

ha ha PassionFlower------ hence, we all know you are smart!

I just want you to know that I think you are brave and that as you take steps in whatever direction that you feel you need to go in, we'll all be backing you up!  good luck

[PassionFlower09]

By the way, I really can spell the word hence ( not hince).
PassionFlower09

[PassionFlower09]

Thank you everyone for all your advise.

I am seriously taking all your advises to heart. I have a plan for myself now. It is hard sometimes-hince my emotional posts. I am glad that I can talk to you all.

Thanks to you too RockRose. I, like you can be very direct sometimes. I guess at the moment I read your second post I was just feeling a little vulnerable. Please continue to reply to my post. Sometimes, the truth hurts; and the world is not sugar coated. So thank you for caring enough to honestly express your thoughts to me.

PassionFlower09

[lovemykids465]

I am so sorry you are still going through this. You need to do what you feel is right. I know you love him but he does not sound willing to change and sounds like he is not willing to work on this relationship. Why not try a trial separation? It will either scare the crap out of him and he will be willing to get help or maybe it is what he wants and if so why stay with someone who is not there with you emotionally?

[carojay]

I think your husband sounds like an extremely controlling person and unfortunately you cant help people like that but you can help yourself. I have found controlling people are not really in control of anything. It is not up to anyone to tell you what to do as we are not living your situation but I believe finding happiness is what we all want in life and if you are not happy with how your situation is there are many avenues to help you through it to make whatever decision you need to make. I found in my own situation that I had to almost have a break down to leave my situation but I am all the better for it and have found myself and my happy place. I wish you all the best and all I can say is never be afraid to make it happen for yourself to be happy.

[RockRose]

PassionFlower,  go back and read through your old posts.  I've said this to you once before - I think you forget what you say.  

And when I said Marriage isn't a suicide pact, that doesn't mean either of you is about to commit suicide.  It's a metaphor.  It means you don't have to stick it out whether it kills you or not.

And now, I will respect your request that I never post to you again.  I realize that I have struck a very sore nerve,  and I wish you well in deciding how to move forward with this problem that you've been stating for months that hasn't been resolved.

Best wishes.

[mami1323]

Passionflower I think it is time to really figure out if you must stay or go. I've said it before you can't stay with someone who is 1. not helping to rebuild trust after they broke it and 2. if you are too angry to forgive. Forgiveness isn't easy after a betrayal but it can happen if you are ready to let the past go and move forward with a fresh slate. If you can try to enjoy your life with your husband and push those painful thoughts to the back of your mind. Otherwise what would be the point of staying in a marriage where you don't care for eachother. That's what I believe RockRose was getting at. Your husband doesn't seem to want to help you heal and that is what's causing your anger to linger. My thoughts on that are because of that things will always be tense. You will constantly be bitter and eventually the marriage will crumble. I think you've given it a chance and the first year after a betrayal is always the hardest on the relationship but by the end of that year you should be able to decide whether you should leave or stay. Whether you can move forward with him or without him. From my honest opinion this marriage has run its course. Although its really up to you to make that decision. Good luck.

[teko]

I have not read all your other posts, but from this one, the anger and hurt stands out.It would appear that not only is the trust gone, but respect as well. IMO, you can learn to trust again if both parties are willing, but the respect appears to have never been there. Altho I agree some people can survive infedelity, many cannot. I cannot, I would not even consider it and maybe that is why it has never been an issue for me. People coming together as helpmates is a great thing. It shows respect and room for each other to grow together. Relationships that form where one is dominate or controlling of the others actions and way of thinking is a different story. These relationships rarely work out longterm. If you cannot treat each other as equal parts of the relationship and show each other the respect due, it is simply time to walk.

PS. I have known Rockrose for years, and she does not post unless she has something she feels needs said. Sometimes when we ask for advice, we must remember we asked for that advice, not based on what we want people to say. She is not a hurtful person and more often then not is right on the money.

[specialmom]

Sara is right, Passion.  That is a question that you will have to ask yourself.  One of the reasons I keep mentioning therapy is that it may help you sort it all out.  My thought would be that through counseling, you will have a clearer idea of what you want and a better ability to communicate it.  

Picture someone you dearly love.  For me, it used to be my wonderful niece.  Geez, I love that girl.  Then I had my boys.  Well, picture this person that you love with all your heart and are protective of.  Picture them living your life.  What would you say on their behalf?  What would you want for them?  Sometimes it takes picture that to know how we should respond.  We tend to not be as caring and loving towards ourselves.  But we deserve that same protection and love.  You need to give it to yourself.

I am pro marriage.  I think couples owe it to their vows and each other to do whatever they can to salvage things.  But what I read in your posts is that your husband does not fully participate in the healing.  So it never heals.  He either gets onboard or you must take some drastic steps.  That is just my opinion.  

No one can tell you how to feel or what to do.  This is your life, your relationship, your heart break.  I don't think Rockrose meant to hurt your feelings.  She  may write advice bluntly but it is from the heart to help (my observation over time.).  You are vulnerable and suffering though and this is painful.  I don't think you are quite ready to leave and that is fine.  I always have hope that things will work out for people within a marriage.  I think you ARE at the point of seeing this may not.  And therapy will help you work on the emotions of this.

Wishing you the best of luck and strength and peace Passionflower.

[Sarajmt]

A long time ago, I had to ask myself if I were better off with my husband or without him.  I think it's time for you to do the same.  It can't be a quick decision made in anger but you must really think it through.  Whatever you decide is your business.  And no one else can make that decision for you.

For me, I was better off.   What is best for you is for you to decide.  

Good luck.
Sara

[PassionFlower09]

RockRose,

I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to understand how I feel or how it feels to be in my place. There is no Suicide pact. NO one is going kill themselves.  

I am trying to forgive but it is hard.  I am having trouble with it.

I have not decided to not be nice or be nice to anyone. It is not as trivial or  as sophomoric  two teenagers having a quarrel. It is much more. No one is dedicated to ruining anyone's life. The situation is not trivial as you make it sounds

You don't know what kind of relationship we had, so I guess it hard for you to offer advise without making it seem like we are two piffling people.

It is easy for you to give a flippant synopsis of what I  have written.

From now on please refrain from responding to anything that I write.

Sorry in advance if I misunderstood you.

PassionFlower.

[RockRose]

PassionFlower,  you do need to  leave.

The only reason to stay is if you had made a decision to forgive,  or really try to,  and really try to heal your relationship.

To stay for the purpose of making him miserable is wasting both of your time.

I don't know all the stuff that's gone on,  but from what I remember it's your desire to hurt him as badly as he's hurt you,  and you've tried to think of ways to do that.  And now he's again locking you out of email and you've decided you don't want to be nice to him.

Marriage isn't a suicide pact.  It's a ridiculous waste of precious time on earth for the two of you to be dedicated to ruining each other's lives.

[PassionFlower09]

I will go to counseling for myself. To hell with my husband.


The bottom line is that I should probably leave. I will probably have to .

My husband hurt me, and takes no responsibility for it. All he says is that I am insecure, and he had to lie to me. He now wants peace in the house. He wants me to stop  starting quarrels, and to me the nice me again. But i can't be that .  

I can't be that. I feel insulted, and taken advantage of.  I am really angry. I know my disatisfaction and the arguments that I have started out of anger have not been productive. But I feel  that he has no right to be happy and dandy when he caused me  so much pain.  

He has said  on many occasions that he doesn't give a F******* about my feelings. I finally believe him. My heart is torn out. I gave more than 10 years of my life to someone who can just disgard me and say hurtful and mean things to me because they are angry.  I can't accept it. He is no longer someone that should be in my life .

He can have those B**** 's he sacraficed my well-being and heart to help.  I will heal,and get better. But I guess it will be without him. As he once said to me when I was upset about his interactions with these ******,   " you can't make someone love you". he was right. Only that person can  make up their minds to be good to you. I am done asking. He doesn't want to treat me the  way I should be treated. He hurt me; and I am not going to beg or plead.He made his choice and I am making mine.

[specialmom]

Yes.  I can say in all sincerity that I have seen with my own eyes MANY couples recover from infidelity.  Both partners have to be willing.  But if the heart is in it, amazing things can happen.  

[penswriter]

that's you.

some couples are willing to go to therapy and counseling to try and fix their marriage or relationship. if the cheater is trying to save what they have, isn't cheating and is truly remorseful...then why not work on it? if they are just saying "oh i'm so sorry i'll never do it again" but continue then i believe it's time to leave.

[SeriousSam]

Once a cheater always... Cliche's don't really solve problems ar even, quite honestly encompass the whole of any situation dealing with people.

That being said you can't believe someones changed until you see proof.

[penswriter]

now that is something entirely different. a serial cheater is obviously someone who will never stop. someone who gives you an std...forgiven..eventually. trusted and staying together...absolutely not.

but i think some people do learn from their mistakes. my father cheated on my mother after i was born. she left him, he saw me once a month. we had no relationship what so ever until after i was married with my own kids 23 years later. he changed.  he never cheated again and despite us not having a relationship he's trying to makeup for it and he and my mother are "friends". so i do believe some people can change and do. not all mind you and some should never be trusted again....or be in a relationship.

[penswriter]

i don't necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater but in some cases yes. if the pattern keeps repeating itself...then yeah.

[penswriter]

i'm with rockrose.

sometimes you just can't change people. if he continues to change passwords and be secretive i'd be upset to. have you tried suggesting marriage counseling? if he doesn't want to try to work on the marriage and keeps being a total...jagoff...maybe the best thing for you would be to go your own way. to find your happiness. nobody deserves to be hurt by someone no matter who it is.

[RockRose]

Passionflower,  I am really hesitant to post to you because I feel like this board,  and the support you get here gets in the way of you doing what you need to do - which is get out.

You've got a huge string of posts all basically saying the same thing - he's done something very hurtful,  and you want advise on how to make him stop that or in some cases how to make yourself not feel anger so that you can continue to stay in this losing situation.

You even have a post back in April saying he'd changed all the passwords.  But now here you are saying it again 6 weeks later and you sound surprised.

I think this forum is fabulous for most people,  but I think in this case it's giving you just that little bit of support to stay locked in a time wasting relationship.

There is another way to deal with this besides the two ways you are hoping for - to change him, or somehow come up with a trick to make yourself stop feeling bad.  

You don't ever seem to consider the most obvious solution - get out.