Relationship Advice - From people who have experienced loveless relationship

[Jana_1978]

I'm with my partner 15 years, we have 2 wonderful children together (10, 5) (we never got married) get on OK but argue quite a lot on front of kids, shouting your are loser your a ****** and it upsets the kids a lot, he gets very bad anxiety from the arguments which takes him 2/3 days to get better from, then it wont happen again for a few months, sleep in separate bedrooms and don't have sex, he is very frustrated but I tell him to go pull himself and he will be fine, its been 5 years and before that it was 3 years without! We don't find each other attractive, I don't hug, kiss, no contact, (I give all my love to my kids) if he tries to touch me I push him away, I grew up where this was normal with my parents but he grew up in a very loving family so I think he still finds this hard and he gets mad and frustrated, I have in the past kicked him, hit him with sticks etc, spat in his face when he makes me mad

Should we move apart or stay together for the kids, my daughter gets quite upset if I even mention it to her, I really don't know what to do, he makes good money so it is possible to have 2 apartments but I'm afraid to be alone and he pays for everything so its quite nice not to have to worry about money or stress, I work part-time for 3/4 hours as a teacher helper and have the summer off!

Thank you and looking forward to some feedback,

Jana

[AnnieBrooke]

I am glad you have the financial resources because you certainly  need the therapy. A family life where there are toxic remarks by one parent about the other or about the kids is a really bad environment. If your husband gets tired of your rejection and insults he will take away the nice house and credit card and you will have manifested the very life you do not want in a small apartment. So you might as well work on being more sweet, and it sounds like since this anger and rudeness is so ingrained in your communication style, you really need to fix it with the help of a professional.

[dominosarah]

Do you treat your children like you do their father?  I have a feeling your anger gets the best of you and the kids get the brunt of this.  You may not kick them or spit in their face but to do that sort of stuff in front of them and then discuss your marital problems with them is very damaging to them.  I was a raging alcoholic/drug addict while my kids were growing up and if you think for one minute they arent affected you are wrong.  My kids are grown now with families of their own and they still carry the scars.  We are close now but that came with a price they had to pay.  To stay where you are at because of the money is wrong and it will backfire on you one way or another.  Get some counseling as you do deserve to be happy.  Life is too short to be living so miserable. I wish you the best~

[AnnieBrooke]

Jana, I did not want you to think that I was saying you are a bad person, I assume this is all the result of your victimization when you were a defenseless child exposed to anger and out-of-control fighting. That said, you are a mom now, in a position to say the chain of violence stops with you, for the sake of your children's futures. I can't stress enough that anger-management counseling is a well-known commodity in therapy, with techniques that are proven and useful. A good therapist will know how to help you learn the tools, and this will be good for you in your whole life overall, not just with the guy with whom you had the children. Nobody, neither you nor your kids nor your guy, deserve to be yelled at and to be frightened of someone's out-of-control temper. You also mention being afraid to be alone, which is the flip side -- a child exposed all her life to other people's temperamental outbursts with no control over it, will be afraid, and that puts many limits on her life just as much as being unschooled in managing her own temper does. If you can learn other ways to handle your emotional reactions, your anger and impatience, you will begin to be less afraid also, and all of those things will make you feel happier about yourself. Only good can come from you getting counseling. Ask your regular M.D. for a referral if you don't know any counselors or therapists.

It is also not a problem to tell your daughter that you are doing this, though do not unburden yourself of all the gory details to her, she is too young. For her own future sake, after seeing all the anger and yelling, it can only be good for her to understand that you are taking steps to learn more peaceable and constructive behavior. Kids forgive us for our faults if they can understand we are actively seeking to change, and if we do change it is a wonderful lesson for our children in the fact that it is possible to reach out and find assistance. Please do this, it is very serious for all of you.

Annie

[Jana_1978]

Thank you all for the comments, these were very useful!

FYI - My parents never really fought/argued on front of me, it was a case they wouldn't talk to each other for weeks and he would put my mother down the same way I put my partner down, it was just a normal way of life.

I dont love the father of my children but I love the house and my lifestyle so I'm not really willing to give all that up to live in a small apartment somewhere and use my own credit card as I never pay for anything he has given me a card, we talk sometimes and go to parks with kids, lunches with them all pretty normal but I wont let him touch me or have me for sex as I'm not into it, even though he asks me probably 10 times a month for something but i said NO, go to bathroom and sort yourself out!  Also most arguments start when I'm shouting at the kids that they need to go to bed or are watching tv, then he gets mad as he is very protective of the kids so he doesn't want me shouting at them or upsetting them at bedtime or going to school, so this is the cause for alot of arguments

[CurfewX]

I'm curious - how do you think he would feel if he read what you wrote here: "I dont love the father of my children but I love the house and my lifestyle so I'm not really willing to give all that up to live in a small apartment somewhere and use my own credit card..."?  That is blatantly using someone.  I'm surprised he is still with you, honestly.  He's being used for his money, he gets no affection or sex, and is physically abused by you.  Yes, what you are doing by kicking, hitting, and spitting on him is physical abuse.

I'm really shocked that he puts up with all of this.  He must really love your children, but I won't be surprised if he eventually calls it quits, especially if you are as angry with your children as you are with him.  I don't know as I don't live there.

[AnnieBrooke]

It is totally not normal to hit your spouse with a stick, call him a *******, spit in his face. It is not normal for you to do that to anyone. You need to do a better job of taking responsibility for your anger and learning to control it.  I would guess your whole family is afraid of your temper, your children included. That is no way to live and no way to show love for the kids. Even being so cruel to their father is no way to show love for the children..

Disagreements should be mild and in a talking tone of voice, not violent and shouting. You say you are used to it and think this is normal. It is really NOT normal and you should not be used to it, your family poisoned you for being in a relationship by modeling bad ones. (It's almost a form of abuse, to do this to a child.) The thing to do is decide what you want for your children, because this is exactly what you are doing to them now. For your own sake, and especially for the sake of your family, you really should look into getting anger-management therapy.

Can you be happy if the two of you split into two family units, with perhaps two apartments in the same building?Or would you still be the same yelling, degrading, hitting person you describe you are now? I'm just worried that if you didn't have your husband around to scold and degrade, you might start on the children. If you think you would be happy in your own place, would the kids live with him or you or both? (That is why I was suggesting apartments in the same building, it makes sharing the custody much easier and more logical.) Also, what if your spouse found a new lady, would that not bother you since you don't ever touch, hug or kiss him and don't find him attractive? What if they had children?

I think you need to change the status quo for sure, but possibly you could start with counseling and then decide the rest of it from there.

[specialmom]

I must have skimmed over the kicking, hitting with stick and spitting part.  I misread that to be what was experienced in her childhood.  So, that does  make this a bit of a conundrum and when people lose control to that extent, it tends to rock the whole house.  Yes, egg shells even if this is not the daily norm anymore, it probably has a life long effect.  But wonder how you (the poster) will function if you've had financial freedom because of your partner's job and you will now be required to pay your own way.  There is spousal support and child support but rarely does life not change quite a bit financially when a divorce happens.  That brings stress.  You will need to find healthy outlets for your frustration so that when these inevitable stressors occur, you can be safe around the kids.  anyway, complex issue and I hope it all works out.

[specialmom]

Well, listen.  It's never ever a good idea to have volatile moments with a partner in front of kids.  Shouting and name calling is not okay and is an issue of impulse control with the parents. It does normally take two to fight like that in front of the kids and rarely is it all one person.  I'm sorry though that this is happening in your relationship.  Clearly, that is damaging to your kids.  Whether you leave or not, you need a very strong and stern conversation with your spouse that this can not happen anymore. That you can take deep breaths, go for a walk, write the thoughts in a journal but you can not shout it out in front of the kids  period.  ever.  period.  


This sounds like a toxic home environment.  And you should NOT talk about this with your daughter.  You and your partner decide what you are doing and then tell her.  You don't talk about being unhappy, that their other parent causes you to be unhappy, etc. like she is your confidante.  Kids so grow to resent that.  They DO want their parents to be together.  I firmly believe that.  And if the couple is silently unhappy, the kids are just fine with the two of them under one roof.  But if you two are making scenes in front of them, making sure they know you are unhappy (talking to them about it, etc.) then it begins to make your adult problems THEIR problems which is so not fair to a child.

So, I guess it is time to either change what is going on at home or go ahead and split up.  Be the best parents you can be apart.  And try to be excellent co parents even if you weren't good spouses.  What often happens if a couple separates and then continues the fight split up with venom and anger and that then makes the split so miserable for the kids.  Don't do that!  Be friends with your child's other parent so you can coparent effectively.  

Anyway, sorry it has come to this.  It's hard stuff. But if it is a toxic home life now, then you need to change it.  because the cycle repeats (as yours did from your childhood to your adult relationship).  good luck