Aa
Venting!
When I finally thought we were over this we aren't! My fiance and his brother have a really hard time saying "no" to their mother... for some reason everyone is so afraid of her! Well I'm not and that's probably why she doesn't like me and I think she is a horrible mother and is never there for her children (just like his dad). Well our dogs stay at their house and it is only because she offered and said she wanted them there until our lease was up and we can find a place that allows 2 dogs. I have no problem David (my fiance) cleaning up after the dogs in anyway that is totaly fine and understandable. Well she keeps asking him to clean her whole damn house! I'm sorry but NO! There are 4 other boys there that can do so. When David is home (even when we aren't staying at his house) his mom calls him to clean her bathrooms and kitchen.... Sorry but NO! He doesn't live there and it doesn't pertain to the dogs. He has an alcholic 23 year old brother that has a college degree and sits at home doing nothing with his life... he is more than capable of cleaning his mothers house since he lives there. Or his 15 year old brother, or his 15 year old cousin that is staying with them... or his 7 year old brother is old enough to help. But for some reason eventhough they live there... they can't be bothered! This is what makes me so mad, but David can't just simply tell his mom NO! Grrr... I'm just venting but his family is a joke!
Sorry should have spelled it out. I learned that term on the divorce forum. I was calling him my ex until I was corrected and told until we are divorced he is still my husband or my soon to be ex (stbx).
Yes you would be amazed at what you can learn on google! LOL!
Yes you would be amazed at what you can learn on google! LOL!
lol. this is like my mom. she 'traps' my husband asking him to stop by her house after work(it's on the way home) to bring something minor. everything being along the route of him coming home anyway, so he always says yes. but then, she gets him there and keeps him for hours. with him being the meek, loving, pushover of a sweetheart he is, he does all of it. errands, clean up, fetch that, fix this, fix that, take this back, go buy this and that but my 23 yr old brother that lives at home does nothing! when my husband finally gets home, he has no use or energy for us --and he's MAD!!! i have this fuss w/ him often b/c i just want him to stand up and tell her NO b/c he even gets mad at me when i tell her no for him. good luck w/ your situation
My parents have my brother and I and have never asked anything of us now that we don't live at home. They both feel they shouldn't since we don't live under their roof. My mom and dad are more than capable to do whatever they need on their own, if they ask I'll be willing to help if I don't already have plans that were made ahead of time... My mom would NEVER ask me to clean her house since we don't live there... my mother pays my schooling and rent and she would still NEVER ask for anything in return. She pays my schooling and rent because she can and wants to and shouldn't do it for something in return. Davids mom said she would watch after the dogs because she could and wanted too... but I guess wants things in return. But that's another thing before we even had the dogs she made him clean her house... so it clearly isn't the dogs... I just don't get her! I have no problem if he helps her do the dishes after we have eatten dinner or if she asks him to grill for a party with advance notice but the fact is that she has him clean her WHOLE house at time and when she wants it... it is now or she is already pissed!
I am sorry you are so frustrated. I wish I had some great advice to make it all better...but honestly...I don't. What comes to mind when I read all of this is how lucky you both are that you are in a position to help out a parent. Yes...it would make it nicer if she seemed grateful rather than demanding. I wish I was able to do more to help my mom and hubby's as well. I have to wonder...if you are so adement about him standing up to him mom...what will happen if and when your mom needs some help? Will he be willing to stand behind you and help her out? I am sorry to ask since I have no way to know is your mom is alive or not...so please don't take offense. I am only speaking of how reading this made me feel....and I wish there was more I could do to help out our mom's....but then again...they are grateful and not demanding in anyway. Maybe that is the big difference. I hope you are able to find some balance....for your sake as well as your hubby. He must feel so much pressure...from both of the women he obviously loves so much.
My stbx husband was and is a mommas boy. It doesn't change. My stbx is still controlled by his momma and so is all of his brothers. She has damaged him emotionally and I blame her for a lot of his bad qualities.
Good luck with things changing after the marriage.
Good luck with things changing after the marriage.
I think it's ok to always be willing to help our mothers with certain things they might need. But when they ALWAYS need something and you can't say no like your future husband, it does become a problem. He doesn't complain or say no because like you said, he doesn't want to have hell break loose at the house for his brothers. Having respect for a mother is one thing, but not standing up to her or not being able to say no is another. He shouldn't feel obligated to do anything. If it gets her that upset if he says no, you know there's a problem and so does he or he wouldn't be scared to say no, right? Having one of those mother -in-laws myself that doesn't respect me and is controlling, I understand you. But like others have told you in this post, think about it because if he's like that now, it'll be a miracle if he changes just because you're married. I have been married for 4 years and my husband still has trouble standing up to her when it is necessary. Don't feel guilty because her behavior bothers you. You're entitled to get upset if she is the way you say she is, but you must remain respectful to her and let your husband handle her. That way they won't have anything to hold against you. Talk to him about it to make sure he agrees with your point of view. Everyone has a breaking point though and if you feel that you will reach yours soon, just avoid being around her by yourself.
If you have a son with him I hope he will teach his son to respect you as much as he respects his own mother. I think it is sweet what he does for the woman who gave him life.
Does he complain, or is it just you?
Does he complain, or is it just you?
I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be the one who will be upset the rest of your life. And not just until his mother dies. This is about him. Like RR said, don't bank on marriage changing anything significant for the better. People are normally on their best behavior BEFORE marriage--not the other way around. What you are seeing is what you will be getting.
You shouldn't have to work so hard and look to the future for things to be better. That is honestly not how it's supposed to be. But I do know from the many posts you have posted about various issues that any advice you get from those who have been around a while falls on deaf ears. But that's ok. It's out there nonetheless. Consider it--or not.
I do wish you the best, too, though.
You shouldn't have to work so hard and look to the future for things to be better. That is honestly not how it's supposed to be. But I do know from the many posts you have posted about various issues that any advice you get from those who have been around a while falls on deaf ears. But that's ok. It's out there nonetheless. Consider it--or not.
I do wish you the best, too, though.
RockRose~ I love him with all of my heart and he is a great man just is too nice! That isn't a horrible problem to have. He mainly does it to make sure his brothers don't have to deal with his mom being pissed. It is very nobel of him for doing so. His mom doesn't know how to act because none of his other brother or himself (until me) has brought anyone home. His mother will just have to learn to get over it or she will be upset the rest of her life.
K - this Christmas will be interesting, you're right. I think you're wise to make your request that he stay at your family for Christmas Eve, then sit back and observe what he does, and how he handles his family's pressure.
The rule of thumb about marriage is you find a guy you love who behaves like a man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You don't find a guy you love, notice real problems in your relationship or his behavior, and bet your life that he will change once you're married. He won't. Things will be the same when you're married. See how he behaves now, this Christmas, and know that is the pattern your life will take.
Best wishes.
The rule of thumb about marriage is you find a guy you love who behaves like a man you want to spend the rest of your life with. You don't find a guy you love, notice real problems in your relationship or his behavior, and bet your life that he will change once you're married. He won't. Things will be the same when you're married. See how he behaves now, this Christmas, and know that is the pattern your life will take.
Best wishes.
Babypooh~ We have talked about how things will be when we are married. And there are only 2 things that I ask and he knows that these things are so huge that if they don't happen and if they aren't enforced it is enough for me to talk away. So I think he knows how clear I am on that one and we have talked about other things as well. I think once we are married it will be easier for him to stand up to her. For some reason his mom gets very very mad if anyone "disobys" her or says no to her or anything like that. She holds a grude for EVER! I think that's part of the reason he just does it, eventhough he isn't there often, if he makes her mad then it's hell in their house for his brothers. It will be interesting to see because this year for Christmas eve he is in our name drawing with my dad's side of the family and I told him that since he is he should be there the whole time. (His mom usually calls him off to church like an hour into it) We agreed that he would just go to church in the morning or later that night or the next day. But I know his mom is going to flip out that his isn't at church the second she wants him to be, so it will be interesting to see if he hold his ground.
Grose~ He knows that it will be a big huge mess if things don't change once we get married. He has said it will be different when we are married and I do believe him, but to what extent I don't know. Honestly once we are married and if I don't see much of a change I have no problem sitting down with his mother and saying hey look here he is my husband first and second your son.
Grose~ He knows that it will be a big huge mess if things don't change once we get married. He has said it will be different when we are married and I do believe him, but to what extent I don't know. Honestly once we are married and if I don't see much of a change I have no problem sitting down with his mother and saying hey look here he is my husband first and second your son.
Well in that case, I don't get why it is his responsibility. He really needs to learn to stand up to him Mom. I agree with the others, you need to talk to him about this before you too get married. You need to be on the same page.
Have you and your fiance talked about how things will be when you get married? Have you asked him if he's going to keep going over to help out his mother or if he's willing to say no to her once you're married? Remind him that once you're married, you become his family and his main priority. Things will probably get worse between you and your mother-in-law, but as long as you and your new husband are on the same page about how to go about his mother, then it'll be easier. If he's not willing to change that then you'll always have problems and should reconsider marrying him. Good luck.
Grose~ The dogs actually don't shed hardly at all... I shed more than they do! lol.
AgiesMom~ Actually we are at home with the dogs 3-4 days a week so yes I have grown VERY attached to them and will NOT get rid of them at this point, so that isn't an option!
RockRose~ I don't think it will be as big of a problem once we are living back in town at our own house with our dogs. There are quite a few things that will change once we are married and living back home in our own house. His family wont be too happy with it but we have both agreed that is what has to happen. I don't really feel like I do or need to control my fiance, I just don't like his mother one bit and don't like how she takes "advantage" of her own children.
AgiesMom~ Actually we are at home with the dogs 3-4 days a week so yes I have grown VERY attached to them and will NOT get rid of them at this point, so that isn't an option!
RockRose~ I don't think it will be as big of a problem once we are living back in town at our own house with our dogs. There are quite a few things that will change once we are married and living back home in our own house. His family wont be too happy with it but we have both agreed that is what has to happen. I don't really feel like I do or need to control my fiance, I just don't like his mother one bit and don't like how she takes "advantage" of her own children.
ok my computer has a mind of it's own.....
I was saying that I do feel bad for you that it is almost like a competition between you and his mom.
I was saying that I do feel bad for you that it is almost like a competition between you and his mom.
The only reason I can understand you soon to MIL asking DF to come and clean is if the dogs shed a lot. If that is the case, then yes, he should help out with sweeping the floors.
I don't know how you feel since DB doesn't have a Mom but I do feel bad for you that
I don't know how you feel since DB doesn't have a Mom but I do feel bad for you that
You were willing to find the dogs a home in June, why not now? It's not like you could have bonded more with them since they don't even live with you.
I agree with RockRose--she'll have to relinquish control. I don't think that will happen. You'll be battling over your fiancé with her until she dies.
I agree with RockRose--she'll have to relinquish control. I don't think that will happen. You'll be battling over your fiancé with her until she dies.
K - I think you have really great potential. I think when you are 40, you will be very financially successful, and you will live in a nice house. You have great drive and self-discipline, and you are forward-thinking. You get things done.
Your fiance is a mama's boy. The chances that you can change him from being completely dominated by his mother, to being completely dominated by you, are long odds, but not out of the question. You stand a fair chance of making that happen.
If you are looking for a self-motivated, confident leader of a man, he isn't it. Maybe that's not what you want, honestly, maybe you want a man you can dominate and if his mother would just relinquish her power and you could take over, all would be well.
I know this sounds rude and mean, and I don't mean it to be - I mean it as a heads-up to you. This is a dynamic of women who choose mama's boys to marry - they are very powerful, and kind of want weak men, and it all works out if the mother's influence can be squashed and their own influence can take over.
Best wishes.
Your fiance is a mama's boy. The chances that you can change him from being completely dominated by his mother, to being completely dominated by you, are long odds, but not out of the question. You stand a fair chance of making that happen.
If you are looking for a self-motivated, confident leader of a man, he isn't it. Maybe that's not what you want, honestly, maybe you want a man you can dominate and if his mother would just relinquish her power and you could take over, all would be well.
I know this sounds rude and mean, and I don't mean it to be - I mean it as a heads-up to you. This is a dynamic of women who choose mama's boys to marry - they are very powerful, and kind of want weak men, and it all works out if the mother's influence can be squashed and their own influence can take over.
Best wishes.
babypooh~ I have spoken to him. He seems to think that it is okay that his mom asks him to clean her house. He thinks if he can he should and the only reason he says that is because he knows his mom will be pissed and then life for everyone in that house is hell. His mother disrespects me all of the time, sometimes I'm lucky if she even says hello when I walk in the door. It's just frustrating, I love my fiance so much and wouldn't give him up for the world but his family makes it awful hard. Our lease is up in June and we will then have the dogs, I can't get ride of them.
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