Just an update he did leave me a message today saying he knew that I was sorry. He did not wish to discuss the incident. It was water under the bridge. He wished me a safe road trip to the east coast andstated after I thought about it I could call him and talk. We were to meet on the east coast in about a month for some road trip travel 2gether and possible picking a spot to find a house to rent and live 2gether. Your thoughts on any of this would be appreciaated Annie.
Thank you for your message Annie. Hopefully I have learned something from this experience. By the way I did leave a message apologizing for the incident on his voice mail.
In our 50s and 60s, a lot of other people have been in our lives, and we might indeed still care about a lot of them. That's part of being human, and is a sweet part of it. Expecting him to hint away someone who is sick in hopes that she will stop calling is just not gracious. (Realistically, if she is seriously ill, how is she a threat? It doesn't sound like he wanted to date her. If he is a smart man, if you are this way about someone who is down to 75 lbs. and in a walker, he's going to look forward with concern about your reaction if he runs into an able-bodied and well-preserved ex who he still generally likes.)
I'm sorry that he said it was none of your business in a way that hurt your feelings. A lot of what you are writing here, however, seems like you've been more or less keeping emotional score already, and it sounds like this conversation was just the finale of a series or conversations. If he did not giddily announce to all and sundry that you're dating and he's deliriously happy, I'm sorry again. It really sounds more like you wanted him to feel a certain way as demonstrated by his behavior, versus just behaving a certain way, but you can't make someone feel that way if they don't, or act that way even if they feel it. If he didn't (for whatever reason, avoiding trouble with a crazy ex being a good reason), hinting to him or parsing out conversations at length with him weren't going to inspire him to feel it.
It sounds like he's been pretty clear that it is over, but if you ever do get another chance to try with him, you should decide whether his style is something you can live with or not, and if not, look for a man who is emotionally exactly what you want.
Good luck!
I see your point. It's just coupled with the emotionally connected problem the week before I guess it made me feel that he was more emotionally attached to her and therefore could not be more emotionally attached to me, which of course hurt. I just don't understand when he got the call he just didn't say it was her and left it at that. But to say to me with a tone that he did not want to talk on the phone and it was none of my business just did not set right. Why not just say it was her probably calling with test results...I know she is ill and have never said anything about their calls.
I do think you were out of line. You should not have acted like a teenager if you are in your late 50s. It's too bad he thinks you would have diced and taken apart the conversation piece by piece, but that's sure what you did after he didn't answer the phone, so maybe he has it right.
I have an ex-friend who is super-crazy now, probably manic depressive though I don't know, and I would be happy to know how to walk the tightrope with her (being distant enough so she doesn't think we're best buddies but not so overtly rude that she starts stalking my house, which I'm kind of afraid she's capable of). My husband gets impatient that I ever talk to her when she calls, and mostly I avoid her, but sometimes she catches me and it is not easy to find that balance so she will leave me alone. (The risk is that she will get obsessive if I start to brush her off more clearly.) Given that experience, of trying to stay civil to an old friend who is no longer entirely easy to know, makes me empathize a bit with what your boyfriend was trying to do.
In your shoes, I would have simply sympathized with your boyfriend in his difficult position. I would not have chosen his refusal to answer a phone call to demand to know why he has never told her you are in his life.