help with marriage

[flowsta]

HI,

Basicly we a young married couple been married for a year and a half, got two you childrent 4 and 1 and a half. one night in bed my wife said that i dont turn her on anymore and that she loves me but not in love anymore.
we all know what that means. after going through her E mails i found E mails from an old friend (male) who she was talking to about sexual things that they would fantasize about. she admitted to me that she had kissed him one night out and that was all that had happened, she said he would listen to her and made her feel special. she then went to say she is disgusted in herself and has promised not to do anything like this in future. Our sex life still isn't that good as she says she hasnt got any drive in her,  I just want to know is it worth trying for or will this happen again? I love this woman and she tells me she sorry and loves me too. HELP

[specialmom]

Hi.  I've never heard that a woman has no sexual desire for the man who impregnated her to be honest.  But I do think that woman can fall into a 'role' at home that is caregiver, mother, house cleaner, cook, etc. and this makes her not feel very sexy.  Then she gets attention outside of the home and that DOES feel sexy.

I'm so sorry this happened to our poster---  you sound like you love your wife and your family and want to keep everyone together and I hope that this happens for you!  

Therapy would be really beneficial for a couple of reasons---  and I'm speaking of couples therapy as mentioned above.  First, it brings to the table that this 'affair' (which it really was) was very hurtful to you and trust has been broken in the relationship.  This is real and will have to be dealt with for you two to feel right together again.  She might want to be willing to let you 'check up' on her when you feel insecure and curtail being "out" at night as she was when the kiss happened.  I would say that a commited partner has to forego things that might lead to temptation if they are trying to stay faithful.  Example, a man with a wandering eye should probably not go to a bar at night with single ladies.  The other thing that therapy would be excellent for is to discuss why she felt the need to cheat.  Perhaps she was feeling not great about herself or disconnected from you for some reason.  Working on the issues that exist in the relationship as a whole help make the foundation of a union stronger so that someone stays faithful.  

This will take time to heal and can be an up and down process.  If she is sincere about working on this ---  then the both of you find a good therapist and do the hard work of repairing things.  Often, the cheaters want to just say "I'm sorry" and want to move on but this just puts a band aid on deeper problems.  Better to deal with everything fully.  

good luck and let us know how it goes!

[Kayannaboo]

Hi! I have actually heard that when a woman has a baby sometimes she has no sexual desire for the man who impregnated her. I cannot be sure if this is the case for you and your wife but I am guessing that it is something to look into.

I wouldn't tell you to give up your marriage due to her statement that she is not in love with you, I believe she means that she is not in love with you at the moment. She stated that the other man makes her feel special and so it also sounds like the spark from the relationship is pretty non existent. I will also say that this may be one of the reasons she is not feeling in love with you at the moment. Its going to be up to you (and her too) to light the fire in the relationship that has died. Its not only sexually but in other aspects as well. Do more things together that you both enjoy. Do activities, find romantic and creative ways to go about your everyday living. Make it more exciting.

I am hopefully that eventually she will fall in love with you all over and get back the man she married. However, if you have done all you can and she is not into it still -- then face the music. I agree with Londres, couples therapy is very necessary. You two get to talk about issues and lay cards on the table with a mediator present.

Take care!

Anna

[Londres70]

Well......it would be difficult to say if this would happen again or what the whole truth is behind this.  She has definitely had an emotional affair that came very close to a physical affair according to her statement of "only" kissing the man.  

Is she willing to go to couples' therapy?  I would recommend this and as soon as possible.  

What exactly has your relationship been like prior to all this happening?