Trust Issues / Changes in Love Making

[honestly777]

This is my first time asking a question online, ever.  I'm looking for advise from someone who may have experienced the same type issues or if not just to get an outside view.

My husband & I work for the same company.  I have been there 9+ years and he's going on 3 years with them.  He is the manager over the project and I am the manager over the office.  I work from my home office majority of the time and have to pay visits to the office to make sure everything is running as it should be yet I have daily contact with my assistant and other co-workers.  

There are 3 women and my spouse in the office, not counting myself.  I have worked with one of the women for approx 11 or so years and have never really had a problem getting along with her until about a year and 1/2 ago.  I notice that this person and my spouse get along quite well.  There have been times that I have been in the office and will catch glempses of them smiling a lot at each other and when they notice me looking, they stop.  This woman and I never had problems or personality conflicts with one another until now but she has made some rude comments about/to me that I don't think she would have ever made before.  This person and I have always gotten along, until my spouse came on board.

I try to always do small gestures of kindness for the gals at work, gifts, etc. that's just me.  I am not around them daily but have daily contact as my job calls for this.  Why would this particular person feel the need to make smart remarks to me and why do I get the feeling that this person and my spouse have more than a boss/employee relationship?  I have asked my husband about it and he says I'm wrong and that he doesn't want to hear about it and that I am obsessed with this person because I keep bringing up the same issue.  My feelings won't go away about the un-easyness I have about this issue, why??

I have prayed about it, I have put my marriage in the Lords hands for him to handle.  I just need for someone to explain to me why I keep feeling there is something more there that no one wants to admit??

It just feels good to get this out in the open with someone besides my sister-in-law and spouse.  A different view on the subject would be wonderful.  Confirmation on what I think would be good also.

Just as a bit of background information, my spouse and myself have a tremendous amount of stress from our jobs, homes, etc. so I know that plays a part in all of this.  I have noticed that our love making is different.  My husband says he wants the love making to last longer so he doesn't concentrate on the 'feeling' he has just on making it last longer, but, he doesn't finish if that makes sense.  Why would he really do this?  There is no fear of getting pregnant, my tubes are tied and we are married for goodness sakes so it's natural to release inside your wife.  What is going on, if anything, or am I just really paranoid about everything??

I know something isn't right, things have changed and he talks hateful to me at times.  What I don't want is to continue going over the same issues with him, I only want peace of mind so I can concentrate on our marriage and family.

Please, someone tell me what this all means.

[honestly777]

Thank you for your prayers, I need them.

[honestly777]

Ladies, Thank you both for your input and God bless you both on your pregnancies, babies are wonderful.

If I find out that my spouse has crossed the line our marriage will end, I would not be able to trust him again.  I would have to find a way to forgive him but could'nt live with him.

I believe that he is pushing me away but that may be me being paranoid over this woman and her attention to him.  I am hoping that more time with him alone and more openly expressed feelings and so forth around our co-workers will strengthen what he should already know about me in that I love him.

I recently worked in the main office this last Friday and I still get the same feelings I always do when I am around them, uneasy feelings.  I am trying real hard not to hate this woman and have to pray that I can overcome negative feelings for her, but I have them.  I still see her as trying to flirt with him or at the very least make me think she is.  I honestly feel the tension when I am there with the two of them.  I'm pretty straight forward and am having a hard time not approaching her but that would be wrong on several different levels the major one being unprofessional as it is a work place.

The biggest mistake I ever made was giving our corporate office my husband's resume and suggesting him take the job.  I never really thought it would have implications as it does now.

My husband has to live on his own morals and not let others come between his marriage and family, he alone is responsible for this, not me.  I think about this but still have that nagging feeling that his heart is not totally mine anymore.

I did ask him if he was in love with another woman over the weekend and it made him mad, but he said no.  I approached him about the love making issue and he didn't want to discuss it.

My husband is going on 50 this year, why would he mess his marriage up and want to start over at this point in his life?  I am younger than him.  This woman is 45 and has been married to 'her' husband for 29 years but seems 'not' happy.  This person has made comments, nasty comments about me having everything and they are unfounded statements.  I have worked hard for everything I have and for my family's future, she has no idea of what she is talking about.  This woman thinks she can have it all if she is with my husband but she has no idea.

[SeriousSam]

I am not an athiest but I believe in the aesop's Fable that says Hecacles helps those who help themselves.  Also I've seen to many peoples lives made into hell by people who watch for "signs" from god.

Personally the fundamental doctrine of Christianity is free will and I tend to believe faith and hope are necessary but that the signs are usually misinterpreted.

As Robert Heinlein used to say "Cassandra was treated to mercifully"

[waitingwithhope]

I think your new approach of paying attention to him will certainly either cause him to realize what he has or at least make him feel guilty for doing what he is doing. Don't feel bad either if his co-worker gets more irate that you are there, etc. You are HIS wife and therefore she should respect that. You will know if he is doing something if you start trying to spend more time at work and send him things and the gifts get pushed to the side or he protests about the gifts or if he seems annoyed you'd be showing up unannounced. If he was pleased with the attention, then he would welcome the affection and be pleased to show off his great wife and her gifts.

Your gut is always right, especially when you've prayed about it. It is good that you put it in God's hands because I do believe that God will resolve the situation one way or another. Pray for wisdom above all else and that God leads you to take whatever action is necessary.

Also, the fact that he is not involved in a church anymore will make him more likely to not have a moral compass and less likely to feel convicted in his heart. Is there any way you two can start having a prayer together at night? Even though that does not replace a church, it might help draw you together. Plus, he needs some male friends who he can be accountable to...I would encourage him to get involved with any male friends who are christians and who would offer him a christian perspective. I know of a situation where my DH saw what was going on with another friend of his and he really helped him see what he was doing was wrong and how it would affect his family and spiritual growth, etc. The man stopped his ways and reconnected with his family.

I will be praying for you because what you are going through is difficult. Don't second guess yourself though. There is too much evidence you already have that "something" is going on even if it is not concrete or hasn't reached the level of physical, your husband seems to be trying to draw apart from you so that he can pursue something.

All the best....

[BabyHardiman]

I was reading down your post as you were typing your last comment.  I think that your new approach is exactly what your marriage needs.  It is a difficult combination when husband and wife work together.  You pretty much live for your job, even at home.  

Can I ask if you have thought about what you will do if he is having an affair with this woman?  

I ask myself that question all the time.  My fiancee is a very attractive, hardworking, kind, humble man, and he works in the home remodeling business.  He has quite a few women that call him for work and such and it's really hard to not focus on the "what if's", there are soo many out there.  I know it is very unhealthy to think about or worry about your spouse cheating or even the thought that he or she is "thinking" of cheating.  Keeping the spice in life is a good thing for us all to do for our partners.  As Doctor Phil says "What you fear you create".  

[honestly777]

Thank you, that is very good advise.

I'm going to fix my husband's new office up with a nice boquet of red tulips (he loves tulips) and a nice gift as a suprise for him on Tuesday, when we move to our new location.  I need to adjust my schedule and grab him for lunch or even take him lunch more often.  Make my presence known more and pamper my husband.

We have no family pictures together, only pictures of the kids.  We need to get one made and have it in the office as a reminder for everyone of the union we have.

One thing is right, if a man feels he is being neglected in any way and another woman shows interest it is a bad combination.  We have such a busy life with two homes, work stress, family/children that we don't have the 'us' time we need.  I think it is time I get our family involved and start finding some us time without children, work, etc. get back to the reason we chose each other.  

[honestly777]

I will do that, pray for the answer.

My sister-in-law, my husbands brother's wife, is a Christian also and told me I needed to turn my marriage over to the Lord and let him deal with my husband.  She told me to leave it all to the Lord.

I am having difficulty turning it completely over because I still feel I need to do something and not just set and wait for my husband to listen to what he is telling him.  My husband is extremly hard headed and it could take a while for him to hear what the Lord is saying to him, the damage could be done by then.  Right?  

I was saved and baptised almost 6 years ago.  My husband didn't like the preacher so we stopped going to church and things have been tough ever since.  I have not gone back myself but continue my studies on my own and talk with family and friends that have the same beliefs as myself.  I pray for my husband as well as myself and everything else but mostly him.

I know I have much to learn.  I wonder if we had continued going to church together if these issues would have ever come up and if I would have ever lost trust in my husband?

[RockRose]

honestly777,  I'm interested in your prayer life.  I teach high school Sunday School,  and am a devout Christian.  I believe firmly in the power of prayer.

BUT.   In your first post I kind of sensed that you made a decision to turn your marriage over to the Lord,  and what will happen will happen.  I never,  ever agree with that.  That's the language of people who know they are in trouble and don't want to take any  action,  they just give up their free will and decision making power because they don't want to act.

Your last post,  about making the truth known to you,  is more positive.  In my history,  I ask for a sign,  and a sign is delivered within 5 minutes that is UNMISTAKABLE.  

Since you mentioned prayer,  I wanted to follow up.  Pray for a sign.  You obviously don't have to follow it,  but in my experience,  the sign will be crystal clear.

Best wishes.  I still think your instincts are correct.

[honestly777]

Thanks to everyone very-very much for the information.  This is exactly what I need because I don't know what to do.  

I really don't have the extra money to hire someone to research this for me.

I have no concrete evidence that anything has taken place physically, it is hard to get that information when I do work in and out of two offices and have a 4 year old I take care of on top of that.

My spouse is very educated and has the common sense to boot, so he is not going to leave me much to go on.

The woman likes him, to what extent, I don't know. I have known her for quite some time and she has a thing for men in management positions, this I have seen first hand when I was in the office every day.

I have been trying to make more trips in and out and I don't think anyone really likes that.  I do need to make suprise visits instead of making it known that I will be stopping by.

The feeling is deep in my gut, this is true and it makes me ill.  We have such a wonderful future ahead of us to think he would risk 'everything' for someone else at this point in his life doesn't make sense.  

I have noticed a difference in the bedroom for quite some time and have mentioned it to him and it only proves to irritate him when I do.  The closeness we used to have after love making is gone, that is what I notice the most.  This thing about not 'finishing' makes no sense and he has explained that as trying to make the love making last longer.  I don't believe this for 1 reason, if you want it to last longer, do it more often.

I do love him and want a future with him.  I bust my butt working on his home (our future home) and it would devastate me to find out there is no future.  It would further devastate the children.  My oldest has already been through a divorce and never really bounced back from it.

All I know to do is investigate more, pray harder and believe that the Lord will either make the truth be known or fix what is broken, perhaps me.

I greatly appreciate the input, and welcome any information on how to get to the bottom of this.  

I want to trust my husband as I did when I married him and devote my mind to our future and children, not the negative.

[waitingwithhope]

You've prayed about it...and it seems your gut is telling you something is happening. Obviously confronting your husband or the other woman won't work because they both seem to be responding defensively to any suggestion that something might be going on.

When people have nothing to hide, they don't and I really don't think either person would react the way they are, unless they did have something to hide. While it could be just at the emotional stage, that is still cheating to some extent.

Try paying some surprise visits to the office and, if possible, take your hubby out for lunch more often or schedule things to see if he seems "busy".

Men leave a trail somewhere--email, phone, receipts--something. They also change their behavior when they are lying or trying to cover up. Sexual problems in the bedroom is rarely about sex and more about the relationship. Guilt might be causing this or maybe he is thinking of the other woman when he is with you and feels that it is unfair to you to in some strange way and he backs off.

Trust your gut and see if you can get some concrete evidence somewhere. Also, if you still are suspicious and it is a trust issue, present it to him that "you" have the problem and need marriage counseling and you need his support in going. That way, maybe he will reveal what is truly going on.

[spade22]

In my opinion, you have no real evidence to support the fact that your husband is having an affair either physical or emotional other than a "gut feeling".

Your husband and your  female colleague smile at each other and then stop when you
are looking - this could be quite harmless (I think my husband would do the same thing if I saw him smiling at another women - especially one he works with). You say that the female colleague has clearly changed toward you since your husband has been working there - two possibilties (other than an affair taking place) that I can think of to explain this are that:
1) She is attracted to your husband and is therefore starting to resent you.  This does NOT mean he is having an affair nor would even contemplate having one.
2) She is jealous of you or your situation (something you have noticed yourself)- this may have nothing to do with your husband.  For instance, as you said, it could be the fact that you can work from home  that is bothering her, or it could be the fact she thinks some nepotism is taking place.  Perhaps she is scared that her whole performace at work is under direct scrutiny from your husband and he is passing that information on to you, the boss - she could be scared for her job.  
What I am trying to say, there are LOTS of possibilities to explain some of the things you have noticed.

That being said, I would certainly speak to your husband about the fact your love-making has changed.  This is something you should be able to both discuss openly - ask him why he doesn't ejaculate in side of you anymore.... what has changed from HIS view point?  He should be able to give you a direct answer on this one especially if he is innocent.  However,   "if" he is/was having an affair, he may be concerned he has contracted an STD or has gotten into the habit of pulling out to prevent pregnancy.  I think the way he reacts/answers this question could give you some insight into the situation.

Have you noticed any other unusual behavior w/ your husband?  Coming home late, working at odd times etc?  Have any of your other colleagues mentioned anything?

The only other thing I can suggest is that you prehaps spend more time at your work office.

[RockRose]

You sound very level headed and observant.  Trust your instincts!   Do you have the money to hire a private detective?

[honestly777]

Can I stop this from going any further?  This is his employee we are talking about and they are both at risk of being terminated should any of this be true.  I can't check his finances as we have separate accounts and his mobile phone is a company phone.  We have a very young child together and I have an older son.  He keeps telling me we will have our future in the country home, he has much to loose if any of this is true so why would he risk it??

[mayflowers]

It really sounds like some kind of office romance going on here between your husband and this woman.  It may just be emotional at this time and maybe nothing physical has taken place yet, but it really sounds like something is going on between those two.  Even having sex with you, he is holding back, which could be guilt.  He loves you but he's done something or feels something for someone else and can't quite reconcile whatever it was in his head so he's paying enough attention to make you think everything is alright but really it's not.  He's not giving you his all.

Sam has some good advice for looking at expenses but I would also check emails and cell phone bills too.  

Once you know for sure what is going on, handle whether you want to stay with him and work things out or leave and get on with your life.  Good luck with whatever you find and decided to do.

[honestly777]

The attention is not there, quite the opposite, I have to ask for it.
The love making has changed and definitely this particular woman in the office is not acting the same around me as she used to, we actually used to get along wonderfully, not now though.

We have two separate accounts.  He had a home when we married (older home that needed TLC) and I had one.  We live in little house I had and are working on his so we can move in it somewhere down the line.  Have never combined the financial side of the marriage so tracking anything would be impossible.

I know this person at work is jealous though, because of my position with the company, being able to work out of two offices and still run the one she is in, and being married to 'her' boss.  I have confronted her on it and of course, nothing concrete.

[SeriousSam]

Some signs of affairs, you can look up more.

1) sometimes your partner appears more attenative.
2) More Experimentative.
3) People treat you different etc.

Just look this one up.  Also who handles the checkbook balancing etc.  See if there are unusual expenditures.