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Should I Keep My Other Love or Walk Away?
I am 46, and have been happily married for 25 years with 3 nearly grown kids; have been and still am, wildly in love with my husband. A year ago, I met a man that I became friends with, then became attracted to. I grew to love him dearly, and I am "in love" (romantically) with him.
My new man and I have a very deep and healthy, loving & sexual relationship, whereby communication is our first priority. I cannot see myself without him. My husband loves me dearly, we make each other very happy and we have an entire life together that I do not wish to change. He does not know, nor suspect anything. My other man and I are extremely discreet and sensitive to both our families/spouses. My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years). He does not wish to leave his partner neither. We have never been outside our marriages before, so this is no frivilous thing...nor is my question(s).
He and I are so alike, we have so much in common (that we do not have with our spouses) and have such simple, happy fun together.
Can I honestly maintain this long term double life that we have committed ourselves to?
Should I walk away from my wonderful OM because it's the "right thing to do", not because it's what makes us happy and complete?
My new man and I have a very deep and healthy, loving & sexual relationship, whereby communication is our first priority. I cannot see myself without him. My husband loves me dearly, we make each other very happy and we have an entire life together that I do not wish to change. He does not know, nor suspect anything. My other man and I are extremely discreet and sensitive to both our families/spouses. My OM married young and does not not have a very happy nor fulfilling marriage (his is about 20 years). He does not wish to leave his partner neither. We have never been outside our marriages before, so this is no frivilous thing...nor is my question(s).
He and I are so alike, we have so much in common (that we do not have with our spouses) and have such simple, happy fun together.
Can I honestly maintain this long term double life that we have committed ourselves to?
Should I walk away from my wonderful OM because it's the "right thing to do", not because it's what makes us happy and complete?
nimble, I don't think anyone thinks you are an "evil person" but in fact, what you are doing is evil. It's evil - not in the sense of demonic satanism, evil in the sense that is completely devoid of good. Completely.
You are standing on a railroad track, the train is coming right at you and you don't even see it.
You are standing on a railroad track, the train is coming right at you and you don't even see it.
Because your husband is not dead. That's all I have to say. I think what you are doing is disgusting.
Actually I have one more thing to say....you can try your hardest, the both of you to rationalize your affair so to not feel the guilt but what does that say about you as a person? Sociopathic behavior to say the least.
Your relationship with this other man feels so good, so right, that you feel that it can't be wrong, it can't be evil. You don't think of yourself as a bad person, so what you are doing can't be bad. You and this other guy work so well together, how could it be wrong to be with him?
Well, these are all justifications that you have made so you don't have to feel bad, or guilty, about what you are doing. Be honest with yourself - if, a year ago, someone had described to you the situation you are now in, would you have approved? Would you consider that behaviour reasonable? Would you think it OK for someone to continue both their marriage and the affair like this? Let's make it more personal - if the woman you were a year ago had heard that your husband had been doing something like this, how would you have felt?
What you are doing seems to be pretty common in people who have affairs (and however you would like to describe it, that's what this is). No-one wants to think of themselves as a bad or selfish person. So they adjust their values and beliefs to match their behaviour. Lo and behold, that behaviour becomes OK! I know this, because I've seen my (now separated) wife do exactly the same thing. If she could have accepted that her behaviour was wrong, and had to stop, and she was sorry for it, I could have forgiven her and we might have been able to re-build our marriage. But she still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, even after I found out, the only thing she feels guilty about is the fact that it hurt me - and our marriage is irretrievably over.
Yes, people whose marriage ends, through death or divorce, do go on to find new partners. The fairy tale that there is just one person out there who is perfect for us is b****cks, there must be thousands of people out there who could be a really good, compatible partner (if that wasn't the case, most of us would go our entire lives without finding someone special, and the human race would soon die out). So, yes, it is entirely possible that there is someone out there who is potentially an even better fit for you than the person you married. And, as you have found, it is quite possible for you to be in love with two different people, and for them to be in love with you. The fact that it is possible to love two men at once, does not make it OK to do so. You made a commitment to one man, you either have to stick to that or break it.
I hope you make the right choice.
Well, these are all justifications that you have made so you don't have to feel bad, or guilty, about what you are doing. Be honest with yourself - if, a year ago, someone had described to you the situation you are now in, would you have approved? Would you consider that behaviour reasonable? Would you think it OK for someone to continue both their marriage and the affair like this? Let's make it more personal - if the woman you were a year ago had heard that your husband had been doing something like this, how would you have felt?
What you are doing seems to be pretty common in people who have affairs (and however you would like to describe it, that's what this is). No-one wants to think of themselves as a bad or selfish person. So they adjust their values and beliefs to match their behaviour. Lo and behold, that behaviour becomes OK! I know this, because I've seen my (now separated) wife do exactly the same thing. If she could have accepted that her behaviour was wrong, and had to stop, and she was sorry for it, I could have forgiven her and we might have been able to re-build our marriage. But she still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, even after I found out, the only thing she feels guilty about is the fact that it hurt me - and our marriage is irretrievably over.
Yes, people whose marriage ends, through death or divorce, do go on to find new partners. The fairy tale that there is just one person out there who is perfect for us is b****cks, there must be thousands of people out there who could be a really good, compatible partner (if that wasn't the case, most of us would go our entire lives without finding someone special, and the human race would soon die out). So, yes, it is entirely possible that there is someone out there who is potentially an even better fit for you than the person you married. And, as you have found, it is quite possible for you to be in love with two different people, and for them to be in love with you. The fact that it is possible to love two men at once, does not make it OK to do so. You made a commitment to one man, you either have to stick to that or break it.
I hope you make the right choice.
I feel for you. I have been very attracted to another man. Treats me like a 'queen'. But I WILL NOT have an affair with him. The pro and cons don't add up. My husband knows how this other man feels about me and how I am friends with him. He is able to help me past most of it. And remember, No marraige is perfect and you would only be trading one man for another 'unknown' You think it is simple and and fun together but that is because you don't have to make any major desitions together. No grocery shopping. No night after night the same man to look at and everything else that goes with a marraige. Plus 'the grass is always greener on the otherside.' You made a mistake when you let this friendship go to physical. That is a binding that is VERY hard to get over. When I get to feeling like my relationship is going someplace I don't want it to I STAY AWAY for awhile. You have yourself in a very hard spot that is going to take alot of work and forgiveness to both men in your life, to get over it. You will feel like your heart is being ripped out. Something new is very exciting. Something secret is even better. You need to do something to shake up your marraige. Try something new. Take chances at being 'caught' with your HUSBAND. No doubt he would like it! I give you my best and may you find you way through this dark tunnell called life.
How are you concerned with the "the right thing" or are you guys sensititive to your spouses? That part I don't quite understand?
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