Some advice needed

[MasterIncubus69]

Hi,

I hope you will at least share some advice ?

We have now been married for 20 years.
Before we got married she used to be a real sexy wild lady that knew how to attract men to her. And she had the body and looks too!
To give you a clear picture (hope it helps ?), we had sex at least every second day.
After 2 years of dating we got engaged.
I got a little more posessive over her then, cos we were talking getting married after all :)
I was a little worried one night at a close friend's birthday party when she almost went too far with his friend - what started as a little naughty dancing act almost led her to loose complete control that night. Luckily another friend pulled her away.
Then we got married another 6 months later. And yes, sex was still good - at least every night or morning.
A similar incident occured at her sister's birthday party and I was upset to the point that we immediately left for home - He actually had his hand up her dress! But is was from too much drink, so I learned a BIG lesson that night!
I started to realize that she had an incredible dangerous sex mind when I caught her allowing a young guy at a prize giving event to see parts of her underwear - I was helping to hand out prizes.
It was quite innocent and led to nothing luckily.
With this in mind I did not bother to complain as we had great sex more than often.
BUT, then 7 years ago I realized she was having an affair already for the last 2 months - she suddenly went back onto the pill. With her work I was never able to pick it up as she was away every now and again; and she did not change much towards me.
It came out that she was regularly away for weekends with this guy and they had sex every morning, lunch and even directly after work!
And then she would make love to me too!

Since then she has become more quiet and we only have sex about 2 to 3 times a week.

I miss her being so sex crazy, but am a little scared also that she would loose it again?

Then there is another problem that has also now arised with me this time.

I don't understand it, but I somehow "like" the idea of her past with this guy (and maybe others too), but then again not.

Help ?

Ed

[specialmom]

Well, I'm sorry you had a bad week.  I am a fan of self examination.  Now, when things are going bad and there is dysfunction in our relationship------- and we internalize a mutual problem and make it our own fault---- well, that is not a healthy thing to do.  I think you and your wife both have some issues.  When you say thinking of your wife having satisfaction elsewhere--------- is this a good thing or a bad thing.  If it is a bad thing and upsetting, well, that is a typical response.  If it is a turn on--------- not so great.  But remember, we can think about whatever we want ------ we just can't act on it.  

Therapists are like anything-------- there are good ones and bad ones.  At the very least, a therapist would help you organize your thoughts so that you can work through this (whether they help you with strategies to do so or not).  I would go ahead and make an appointment.

I hope it gets better!

[brice1967]

Interesting point and conclusion that youve come too.... the thought that you could be the biggest part of the problem is intriguing.  (There are problems within my relationship and it is me, not my wife, as the one with the problems)  I used to blame my wife for our issues, when now I know that it was all me.

I understand your reluctance to talk with therapists.  The key in doing this is to find a good one, who can listen and give tools to deal with your issues and not be judgemental at the same time.  Therapy is the best thing (besides my wife and kids) that has ever happened to me. You keep looking back to the past because you havent effectively dealth with this issues, and a good therapist will help you do so.  My therapist has been a good go between.  She's offered an unbiased ear to let me vent to, and then has gotten to the bottom of my problems and has helped me deal with them.

Have you considered asking your wife to join you in therapy?  This could be something that you can address together, and effectively learn more about each other.  I thought I knew everything about my wife after 20 years and essentially I wasnt even scratching the surface.

[MasterIncubus69]

I had a tough weekend!
I think that I am very much the biggest part of the problems.
I am struggling to understand myself and need some answers quick, but I dont have to much trust in councellors etc when it comes to problems like I think I see in myself - why the heck do I keep thinking back on the past?
Why do I entertain thoughts of my wife finding satisfaction elsewhere ?

[specialmom]

Well, I wouldn't think that it is you as she loves you and is married to you and you do still have a sex life.  Some just need that "outside" attention and kind of feed on it.  It is because they are hurting inside (and they are usually not even aware of it) and they are doing quick fixes to feel better.  Using sex in that way is like using it as a drug.  It is unhealthy.  She may have a tremendous urge for attention as well as it feels powerful to bring about desire like that (and good to one's ego and hey, sex feels good, right?)------  it often back fires.

I think that I agree that someone who is a lady or gentleman in public but free with their partner in the bedroom is a good thing---------- the problem with your wife is that she was free in public as well.  

Good luck this weekend and let us know how it goes.

[MasterIncubus69]

Specialmon, thanks!

Could it be that I am the reason behind this - that she might be more attracted to others ?

And please hear me - I am not pointing fingers here.
She is special.

When I was young, a friend used to say that a man needs a woman who is a lady in front of others, but like a hooker in the bedroom - meaning no limts.

Always thought it made sense, but I am now carefull.

Will try work things out this weekend.

[specialmom]

In theory, why be married if you are going to open yourself up to intimacy with others.  Open marriages usually fail.  I wouldn't go there.  

I guess it is okay to have fantasies and with that anything is fair game as you aren't living them out ------------  and everyone likes to think of their partner as attractive, sexy to others.  I'm sure that is a turn on.  But I think leaving it at that is the best policy.

The reason why I suggest therapy for your wife first is this--------- if she is feeding an internal need due to past pain-------  unless she addresses it, the pain is still there.  Many over sexualized women have some emotional injuries.  I always feel it is better to heal those rather than leave them be to fester.  I understand though, not wanting to rock the boat right now.  Keep the idea of therapy in the back of your mind for her.  And really, I think most couples do well with therapy to understand where each other is at with things.  Getting on the same page can make for a happier couple.  

Wish you luck!

[MasterIncubus69]

Thank you WarriorMomma...

I sense a little aggression but I will take it on the chin, because I know I am part of the problem here.

But I am looking for a sensible way out.

I only enjoy the thoughts of her with the past guy - dont even understand why myself.

But I also dont think I am ready for an open relationship.

Unless of course it is the only way forward that benefits both of us. But than again fears come up of possible divorce...never say never ?

[WarriorMomma]

I miss her being so sex crazy, but am a little scared also that she would loose it again? Then there is another problem that has also now arised with me this time. I don't understand it, but I somehow "like" the idea of her past with this guy (and maybe others too), but then again not. Help ? Ed

See if she is interested in an open relationship, if YOU can handle it.

[MasterIncubus69]

Thanks for your advice, answers.

Yes, you got my question sort of.

Well, she has quieted down...so she dont see need for therapy.

In fact, to be honest - I am a little scared to trigger anything at the moment.

[specialmom]

Oh boy Ed.  You two have had quite a history.  I'm not exactly sure what the question is though.  Are you saying that you prefer her to be sexually charged up but when she is like that she cheats on you and takes things in general to far with other men so you are wondering if you want her sexually charged or faithful and not as into it?  I guess that is a personal situation.  I would be very afraid with her history that she is not being as sexual with you and is still cheating-----------  I'd have a very hard time trusting her.  

For me, it would not be a good trade off.  I'd rather have sex less and have a faithful partner than one who liked to share all she had with the masses as well as an intimate affair with another person.  

Don't know if this helped but again, not sure what the question is.  By the way, women act like this because they were possibly sexually abused at a young age.  Has your wife ever considered therapy?