Stepfather with Autistic son - help and advice for step parents.

[hippymusicman]

My step son has become very violent and aggressive over the past 6 months. He has been diagnosed with Autistic spectrum disorder, Autism, depression and is currently undergoing counciling for mental health problems. He is currently being home tutored as he has been violent to both pupils and teachers ath the local mainstream school. Josh is 12 years old, he is 6ft tall and his emmotional age has been diagnosed at 7.
We have finally received his statement of special needs and are waiting on a place in a local special school.
Josh always defers to his mum and does not listen to me. This is in all apects of his day to day life - wether disipline is involved or general discussion.

My question is this - my wife and i have different ideas on how cope with joshes problems - it's her way or no way - and we are on the point of separation. Is there anything we can do or someone we can talk to to help us. She is very very protective of her son and becomes angry when her view is questioned. It is always me on one side and the two of tem on the other.

Is this the point where i say - time to call it a day and move on ?

I have been a part of my step sons life since he was 7.

[bluebloodgirl88]

Oh my gosh I am in the very same boat as you!  I know it's 5 years later.  I knew my step-son (not quite my step-son yet...I am engaged to get married to his father).  I knew him since he was 6 and knew something wasdifferent with him since I got to know him.  I suspected Autism and was right.  He is almost 10 now.  I am the kids main caregiver.  Their Mom is a crack head that gets visitation rights and continues to infest all 3 of my step-kids with lice.. I am the only one that treats the kids for lice...plus with having a child of my own age 3 almost 4 and seeing the negative effect these kids are having and bringing to my own blood child and how I get treated for all I do to take care of these kids.  I am so close to walking out on them.  To me, it's not worth it especially when it effects my own child.  I would rather be single at this point.  I know if it wasn't for my step-kids my fiance and I would work out.  But knowing that my step-son will always need someone caring for him(which would be me), makes me realize it's not worth it. I gave up my dream job for these kids... only to get disrespected and used.  Before falling inlove with my Fiance,  he didn't have primary custody of his kids, in fact..I didn't know he had kids starting out.  I never thought we would end up with them, my fiance's ex and ger boyfriend's really ruined these kids.

What all have you two tried to workout between your relationship?

[teko]

I have a grandson on the spectrum and I can tell you that everything specialmom is telling you is true. This boys mom knows what works and what doesnt and why. You must trust her to handle him and to maybe teach you as you go. The violence can be a problem with autism and if not handled in the correct way you can make the situation way worse than it need be. This is a challenge for the biological parent and absolutely frustrating for a step parent and for the child. This child must have constants in his life, schedules, needs to know what is happening and when. He cannot communicate with you the way you think he can. If this is going to be a major issue that you cannot handle, then you need to consider that now. I hope it all works out.

[specialmom]

Oh, get ready to be mad at me.  I appreciate your efforts to help this child and think it is admirable when a step parent steps up to the plate to help raise their spouse's kid.

My suggestion to you is to read everything you can on autism and understand it.  Things that would work for your typical child will not work for an autistic child.  Discpline is completely different.  I have a child with a developmental delay and it is hard work caring for him.  All the parenting books for your average kid do not apply to a child with challenges.  And your step son is not only autistic but has mental health issues as well.  That is quite a mixed bag and a complicated situation in terms of dealing with him to improve behavior.  You really need to accept this and understand that you are not going to just know from your past experience how to handle him.  Research autism.  Research depression in adolescents.  Open your mind to the possibility that you do not know how to handle this based on what you've seen work for other kids.  

Back to the problem at hand though.  My rule of thumb for mixed families is that when their is conflict between a husband and wife over parenting the other's child, the step parent takes a back seat.  You may talk to her about approaches to problems but stay out of implimenting them.  You may not appreciate that advice but it is time tested to help keep the drama down.  Your role is one of support.  You support her in her efforts to help her son.  You support him in being a positive influence, a safe and trustworthy person in his life.  You can also support your wife in that she is probably scared to death.  Being the responsible party for bringing a child into the world that has significant challenges is an emotional test of character.  It hurts on a level that is hard to describe.  You have worries that other parents don't and it follows you everywhere you go.  When you try to imagine a child's future that struggles, it can be overwhelming.  Whether she tells you about these feelings she has or not, I'd not doubt for a second that they are there and supporting her in a loving way through that would help the relationship tremendously.  Not saying you don't, but your post reads of one that I disagree on how to discipline vs. the issues surrounding a parenting an autistic child.  

So assuming you follow my above advice (do your homework and research all you can on autism, depression and other mental health issues he may have, support your wife emotionally, take a back seat to her in terms of understanding that your input is important and valid but that she is the final say and the one to implement it, and being a safe, trustworthy friend to this boy)----------  then I think that counseling for you and your wife would be a good idea.  It is a lot to take on.  It can cause tremendous stress on a relationship.  The divorce rate for parents of kids with disabilities is throught he roof because it is hard to deal with.  But you can do it if all get in the right frame of mind.  

I wish you, your wife and this boy good luck on the journey.  

[CA25]

Hi.... I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your step-son... It is not fair to you that your wife doesn't consider your views on how to discipline him. I suggest that you start praying on your own and asking God to show you what to do...He always lead us in a direction we should go!!! I don't think you should call it quits just yet. She needs you and the boy needs you as well. Hang in there. You can also take him to church. Get him involve with activities!!! Sometimes He may just may need some friends to hang around with!!! God bless and let me know how this turns out.