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Avatar universal

Teeanger and Alcool

I would like to know how to react. My daughter who will turn 16 in a week when to a friend party (he turn 16 today).  His parents let them the house for his party, they said to all the kids there (35) that the house is their for the night and they don't want any drogue in the house but alcool is ok, they event bought the alcool for them.  I am wrong in thinking that this is illegal they are under age. How can she allow my daughter to have alcool in there house without my approval. My daughter told my that she did have alcool, I was really made and did not say anything because I did not want to say things that I will regret later. So tonight we will have the big talk with her.  How I am suppose to approch that, what I am suppose to said to her. That I am really desapointed in her actions. I don't know I lost.  Please I need some advises.
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Avatar universal
i'm so sorry for your loss beargizmo. that's my biggest fear as a mother...my kids thinking they know everything and doing it anyway. i've been fortunate and haven't had any friends who are irresponsible with alcohol. (my brother had a friend die on his 21st b-day...he did the notorious 21 shots in 21 minutes)
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Avatar universal
My heart does go out to you and trying to discourage other young people will maybe make your sons death count for something ya know! I lost a son to hiv/aids contracted from his antics as a teenager. Yes we parents do need to speak out! Yes Indeed. I also survived my teenage antics, but my son did not fare as well. If our experiences saves just one other kid out there it counts.
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176495 tn?1301280412
Thank you, Teko..fortunately I was able to fly to Atlanta while they had him on life support and talk to him, though I doubt he could hear me..I never cried so much in my entire life..but he was essentially brain dead when they took him to the hospital.

I just want kids to learn....they don't have to drink, or do drugs...yes, I did as a teen and even a young adult..but that doesn't mean I can't try to discourage young people from making the same mistakes.
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Avatar universal
Not sure I could've said it any better myself :o)  I completely agree with you.
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Avatar universal
With all due respect you speak as you have never had children, nor lost one due to irresponsible behavior. Being a parent is not a popularity contest, it is in fact being a parent. It is hard, it is painful and while doing it of course your child thinks your mean, dont understand and all that, it goes with the territory. There are laws. It doesnt matter if you do not agree with them or not. It is the law, you teach your child to obey the law and you as a parent show them by following the law as well. All teens sneak, lie and do whatever to be able to do what they want at any given time. Just because a 15 yearold thinks it is okay to have sex, I am certainly not going to say oh sweetie ok but you must do it here at home in your room and give her a condom and my blessing. There are always consequences of behavior and maybe some of us came out unscathed true, but graveyards are full of those that did not. I as a parent will do anything in my power to keep that from happening. So to me, your view comes across as tho you have never raised children. So you have to look at it from that perspective. If you break the law and serve my kid alcohol I will own your home, dont doubt it and I would not worry about what my daughters friends had to say about it or how embarrassed she might be. It would be something she never forgot I guarantee it.
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Avatar universal
my house is not sheltered by not allowing them to do illegal activities. they will know about, i will tell them about it then i'll show them the consequences of that. (most of my mother's side of the family was "rebellious" and...are perfect examples of why not to do it.)

and if they do act like that...there is military school. and my husband and i aren't afraid to ship them off. he is a marine and if they want "marine dad" to come out...that's fine. they'll get him.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think most who have allowed their teenagers to drink at home have found that to be very misguided.  You want your teenager to drink in your home---------  so be it.  But do not think for a second that it is appropriate to allow my teenager to drink in your home.  That is illegal and I would prosecute you.  Giving children values is important for them to make the right decision.  Assuming they will drink tells me that you've given up on that.
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Avatar universal
You clearly missed what I said, I didn't say "drink to fit in"

I said its more like someone would much rather have their kids in the SAFETY of their own home than out on the streets or somewhere else stupid. Its a proven fact that taboo things are a temptation, theres actual scientific evidence. So just because it didn't play an affect on you doesn't mean it won't to other people. I don't understand how you could call someone irresponsible without understanding the situation.

I drank before I was 21, I own my on business, I own my own house, I'm well off enough to retire when I turn 40. If I had kids, I would let them drink just as my parents did my brother and I. in their opinion, it was safer for us to be at home than getting drunk with people in the school parking lot. Rebellious kids aren't evil, they just need to be treated differently.

I've never been into drugs, not at all. I smoked some pot when I was younger but I could count the amount of times I've smoked it on one hand. I was never stupid about drinking, because I didn't have to be in order to drink. I never drove drunk, I never left my property drunk, neither did anyone else. Yet again, my parents, had that under control.

Your house, your rules fine. Once your kids get out of your sheltered house, they're gonna break your rules, and you'll punish them, they'll sneak out, you'll lock them in the basement. They'll kick the door down, and then lie to you. They'll lie because you won't lighten up. 16 years old is old enough to drink a beer or two at a friends house.  
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Avatar universal
i did not drink until i was 21, smoked for 6 months when i was 18 and have NEVER done illegal drugs. so yes...as far as that is concerned i was extremely responsible. VERY responsible. i understood what happened if you did those things. my mom drilled it into our heads the consequences of our actions. (not saying other parents don't...i just listened to my mother. she's wise and well....i knew what would happen if i didn't listen. i'd get an a$$ whooping whether i was 6 or 16)  and i never wanted to do it because i was told not to.

and YES his parents are extremely irresponsible! they provided minors with alcohol! illegal is illegal whether it's okay in your house or not. IT'S AGAINST THE LAW! law trumps rules in personal households. just b/c your parents let you drink does not mean other parents can say "well geez if so and so is sure go ahead fit in. drink till your drunk." no, that's not how all parents work. i absolutely refuse to allow my children to drink or smoke until they're of legal age. if they hate me for it, fine so be it. if they do it anyway...they will be punished. i don't care. i will do what i have to in order to keep my children safe (not to mention the legal reprecussions not only to those supplying the alcohol, ciggy's or illegal drugs but those that will happen to my children.)

as far as drugs i have absolutely no tolerance for it. none. i won't tolerate it from friends why would i find it acceptable for my children to do it? no, they do it. fine they're punished. they continue to do it and well i find a more severe punishment. if i'm seen as too strict...fine so be it. again i don't care. my children, my house, my rules. the law is the law. break the law and be prepared to handle the consequences.
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Avatar universal
All of you.
Listen to yourselves, were you perfect little teenagers who never drank, smoked, smoked some dope, any of that? I very highly doubt you were.

I understand you are pissed, your daughter went and drank with out permission, but the more you cram it down her throat that its not okay, the more shes going to want to do it. The more sneaky she will get, then shes going to lie to you, which will cause trust issues, which creates a hard family relationship.

This boys parents, are not highly irresponsible, no not in any way shape of form, although it might have been illegal, so was all of your first drinks! What you need to understand is their mindset is, "Oh geez, We don't want him out on the streets getting drunk where he could get in trouble, I would much rather have him here where I know he is safe." The fact that your daughter drank there doesn't make it the boys parents fault, it was her choice, I bet a few of the kids at that party opted to not drink and they stayed sober all night.

When I was a kid, we would have fires on my back property, kids that wanted to drink, drank, kids that wanted to stay sober did so. It was never a huge deal. You need to relax and ease up on your daughter, instead of having this "big talk" offer her a freaking beer. Sit down and talk to her over a beer, I bet she would be thinking "wow mom, I'm glad we got to do this" opposed to "jesus christ, my mom is so lame and controlling" Then her sneaking out her window to go to the "boys" house anyways.
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Avatar universal
I have been where you are at, unfortunately I found out way after the fact and really could do nothing about it at all.  Personally, not only do I find it irresponsible for adults to supply children with alcohol I find it loathsome especially for other parents to make descions like this for other parents!  It is beyond rude and irresponsible.  Not every parent has the same rules and I think all parents should respect that and make sure they are not over stepping their bounds.  It is illegal to boot so already over stepping the law bounds.

I do agree getting law involved could have negative repercussions for your daughter at school; however, if people are silent when these things happen they only continue.  And next time a child could be seriously harmed.  This is a hard descion to say the least.  I wish you the best.
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Avatar universal
Jim I am so sorry for you! That had to be awful. But since you have experienced this up front and personal, Wow! what a witness you are!

Children as well as many adults simply do not realize how dangerous it is. Teens especially and college kids are more prone to binge drinking! Not to mention girls who drink drinks that have been tainted with drugs. Very Scary! Very Serious!
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176495 tn?1301280412

My 26 year old son died after consuming too much alcohol, passing out and essentially drowning in his own vomit.  Doctors told me that this is not a pleasant way to go..remind your daughter of the dangers of binge drinking or over drinking and do your best to discourage her from drinking at all..the risks and dangers are just too great.


Jim
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Avatar universal
Thanks everyone who took the time to answer my concern.  We talked with my daughter last night and it when pretty well.  She told us exactly what she drank and the she was still in control of herself.  We told her that she is no longer allow to go to party until she gain our trust again. She will still have her 16 birthday party at home this weekend by we will be at the house (at first she want the house for herself and friends for couple hours).  Will see how that will go and go from there.  Again thanks everyone that help.
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Avatar universal
I guess I'm coming from a different perspective - I'm in the UK, and laws are different here.  18 is the limit for buying alcohol and drinking in a public place, but there is no restriction if you are in a private place and an adult has bought the drink for you.  In some European countries there is no legal minimum age.

My opinion is that I wouldn't have a problem with a 16-year-old drinking some drinks (nothing stronger than wine), IF the drink is supplied by a responsible adult, and IF they are drinking under the supervision of that adult, and IF that adult restricts them to no more than a couple of glasses, ideally as an accompaniment to food.  Actually, I'd say it's probably OK to do that starting at 14 or 15, with a weak-ish beer or cider.  That will be a far more controlled and sensible introduction to alcohol than the alternative - preaching and lecturing that it is evil and dangerous (which translates to exciting and naughty fun in the teenage mind), then letting them loose, uncontrolled by more experienced adults, at age 18, or 21, whatever the local legal limit is (or sneaking it at a younger age).

In your specific case, I'd still be unhappy, since leaving a house-full of kids with a large supply of alcohol unsupervised is damned stupid and irresposible.  But it'd be a mistake to over-react.  What good will calling the police actually do?  The irresponsible parents are unlikely to get more than a ticking-off, but you'll have damaged your relationship with those parents, and your daughter will get a very hard time from her friends because her parents snitched.  Your daughter will hate you for that.  If you have to do something, speak to the parents in person, but don't involve the law.

As for your daughter - like someone else said, you should be grateful she's honest and open enough and trusts you enough to tell you that there was alcohol there, and tell you that she drunk some.  If you reward that honesty with a big lecture, she may just decide not to be so honest next time.  At this stage in her life more than any it is important that she feels secure about trusting you and being able to confide in you.  Of course you should talk, and share you concerns, but I feel that lecturing and yelling will be counterproductive in the long term.  But it's hard to advise - everyone has a different style of parenting and relationship with their child, and while I feel my approach works with my kids, I'm sure other kids would just ignore that approach if their parents used it.
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Avatar universal
Hi, yes, your are correct 16 is illegal to be drinking alcahol and the owners of the house can be immeditely arrested and charge for permitting liquor with underage kid (possibly law suit from the parents of the other kids also).

The home owner's are to be contacted by each parent and warned that if it is true they permitted liquor to underage minors, the authority will be conctacted  (just to scare the hell out of them and think twice, before permiting minors to party in their home with liquor).

As for your daughter, find the right time to sit down with her and tell her how disappointed you are in her judgment and that you felt you taught her better than that. She is to be grounded and privilages take away at your own discretion. Tell her that if this behavior is repeated, it will not be tolerated and you will contact every single parent to contact the authority and press charges against this family. Tell her you want to know her every move and that you are on to her and as a result from her poor judgement, she will be treated as such and not be trusted (then decide what privilages you are to take away from her, grounding, no friend visit, not phone, only to school and back, until she earns your trust)....good luck.
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Avatar universal
Where I come from it is illegal and would be considered adding to the delinquency of a minor. I would be mad as well. If any of those kids left the party and/or anything had happened to them the parents who gave the alcohol would be liable and can even lose their home. It is a big deal legally.

As far as your child drinking, it is good that she is honest with you, but she also needs to realize how dangerous alcohol can be. That is a tuff one because if she wants to drink she will find a way so I would show her horror stories and statistics about kids drinking and how it can kill and at the very least become a nasty addictive behavior that can haunt you the rest of your life if not very careful. I think I would summ it up by telling her it is agains the law, therefore against the law and no exceptions. It has been my experience that teens generally tell you what they think you want to hear and then when they get with their peers, it is a different story. My girls used to tell me about what other girls were into and years later I found out they were talking about themselves! Grrr! Just use your mom instinct is all you can do.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh.  I'd be so upset.  Parents that set up other people's kids to drink are so irresponsible.  I would talk to that family and tell them how you feel.  I'd consider letting some of the parents of the other kids know as well.  And I'd educate your daughter on some things that could happen.  Good luck----------  that is hard.  I understand that you don't want your daughter to be shunned by her school friends . . . but maybe these aren't the best friends to have.  
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Avatar universal
thank for taking the time to answer my concern.

I'm from Quebec, Canada and the legal age is 18.  My husband would like to call the police but does want to create some problem in school for my daughter. You know kids at that age how they can reacte.

You can be sure she is no longer allow to go to that house ever.

I will see after our talk how it want.
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Avatar universal
i'm not sure where you are from, but if it is the states yes that IS illegal. either way ...if your daughter is a minor and you don't want her drinking they have no right telling her she can. if you have proof...i would suggest contacting the police. what they are doing is beyond wrong. even if it was just for a party. if i'm not mistaken in most countries the youngest age for drinking is 18. (at least that's what i was able to find...i think one or two has the legal age at 17)

if you don't want to talk to the police i would suggest not only talking with your daughter but also the boys parents and let them know that you do NOT appreciate them telling her she could drink and not to do it again. it might be a good idea to not let her hang out alone with the boy or at his house. his parents have proven to be irresponsible and untrustworthy.
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