Avatar universal

Telling a spouse about Herpes from affair

I had an encounter with a prostitute 9 weeks ago.  All STD test are  negative so far, but I am not totally in the clear for genital herpes.  I have had HSV-1 since I was a kid, but if I do end up being postive for HSV-2 what do I do?

My wife is very black and white.  Any encounter outside the marriage will unquestionably end the marriage.  This is something that terrifies me.  Although it is equally or even more terrifying to risk giving her HSV-2 because she doesn't deserve it.  I was the one that screwed up.

My doctor said it is possible that I could spread HSV to her from my childhood HSV1 infection.  She also said it is possible for the virus to appear in other areas.

Any help or suggestions are appreciated.
21 Responses
Avatar universal
There is no way around it.  You have to tell her and suffer the consequences.  If she leaves you b/c you cheated and got herpes, so be it.  Sometimes we just got to pay the piper, suffer a bit, learn whatever lesson was meant to be learned and go on with life.  Not much else you can do.  

If you were cheating on her, then something was wrong in the first place so I would say the relationship wasn't all that perfect.

Good luck.
Avatar universal
You've been posting about this since 9/11.  It has been well over a month and you still haven't told her?  Have you been intimate with her?
587315 tn?1333552783
You really should have thought of the STD risk BEFORE you put yourself and your innocent wife at risk.  Which "head" were you thinking with?  You need to do some serious soul searching, as to why you felt the need to cheat.  Maybe, your wife is more sexually repressed than you are, and you needed some added adventure, or maybe you feel like your lacking an emotional connection.  Either way, something was obviously missing in your marriage for you to be looking elsewhere.  If you really loved and respected your wife, you should've just watched some porn and called it a day.  You wouldn't have had to worry about an STD then!!
Avatar universal
You have only one choice, and that is to tell her  jo    
Avatar universal
Thank you, You are all correct.  

I have been able to avoid sex with her so far, but it is getting more difficult.  All the test show negative, but the time is still only 7-9 weeks, so I am not out of the woods yet on the HSV-2 thing.  I have begun meeting with a therapist, but a positive HSV-2 will remove any hope of saving the marriage.    

By the way, porn is what got me into this mess.  I was watching it from time to time and it got me thinking about what I was missing.  I started to escalate...Thus, the addictive nature of porn.   This is something I am talking to a therapist about.  Careful, porn can cause you to change the way you think and it is not always a good result.  Historically, I do not have a weak mind or will.
587315 tn?1333552783
Well, sorry I suggested porn, then.  I would not reccommend porn to someone that could get addicted to it.  Couldn't you have found another safe alternative?

Even though, you screwed up royally, I will give you credit for showing concern that you might transmit something to your wife.  Not to be evil, but, you should seriously think about whether you can be faithful or not.  If you can't, the only way that you can make "good" of this situation is to let your wife go.  That is the kind, honest, and nice thing to do is to let her find someone else that will give her the loyalty that she truly deserves, and not expose her to any STD's.
Avatar universal
It takes a strong person to admit thei mistakes, also I am glad that you said what you did about porn, because some people say it is harmless, and they can stop when they want bla bla     good luck  jo
Avatar universal
You've just confirmed my biggest fear with porn.  
568659 tn?1256139982
So, if the HSV-2 tests come up negative are you just NOT going to tell your wife that you cheated?
I hope that isn't your plan. If you don't tell her you are going to have this horrible guilt hanging over your shoulders for the rest of your life.
Avatar universal
How long do you have to wait until you find out whether you are clear?  You've managed to avoid having sex with your wife so far, can you avoid it much longer?

I must admit, I have to disagree with all the women who have answered you so far.  It seems to me like you love your wife and really don't want to damage your marriage.  You have recognised you have made a serious mistake, and by going to therapy you have acknowledged the mistake and are making steps to deal with your issues so it won't happen again.

You seem pretty certain that your wife will leave if you tell her.  So, if you value your marraige, and if you are DETERMINED that nothing like this will ever happen again, I wouldn't tell her.  It is in both of your interests that the marriage survives (plus your kids if you have any).  Learn from your lesson, move on, and never risk you marriage this way again.

As GRose says, you will have this guilt hanging over you.  Well, that's no fun, but it's the price you pay for what you have done, and you'll just have to live with it.  Telling your wife won't make the guilt go away, but it will make life worse for both of you if she decides to leave.
649519 tn?1232513359
There is always one thing I always said, a night of passion will cost you a life time of pain, I just hope you have the courage to tell your wife, I want to share this with you, I knew a person who was always faithful to her husband after 15 years of marriage, her husband decided to have an affair, after about 6 month the wife became ill, she went to the hosiptal, and found out that she has HIV, she was devasted, never thought her husband will do something like that, He gave her a death sentence, not knowing, just because he wanted to be with another woman, and it was only once that he slept with this woman, always remember it only takes one time, just thank God that it wasn't HIV that you got, or you never know, God Bless, and I hope you have learn your lesson
Avatar universal
ANYONE CAN BECOME ADDICTED TO PORN.  It is stimulates the same areas of our brains as any other drug.  So don't fool yourself.  I know that I have been annoying some of you with all my questions, but I have a need to know and frankly, I hope the guilt and shame I have will help prevent someone from making the same mistake.

It seems that my personal doctor (also my wife's) as well as my priest suggest not telling her as it is my cross to bear.  However, if I test positive, then it will be a cross we have to bear together. So those of you who are prayerful, say an extra one for me please.  

I can't undo what I did, i wish I could.  The type of activity I involved myself in, regardless of the positive/negative test outcomes, is causing my world to unravel.  I will have a very heavy cross to bear for the rest of my life.  Because I love my wife, I do not want her to have to carry the burden with her too.  If I test negative, then I will hopefully prevent the pain to her.  Not telling her is not about me and being selfish.   Frankly, telling her and ending the marriage, will be a whole lot easier for me.  It will be hard, but I would eventually get over it.  Looking at her each morning for the rest of my life, knowing what I did would be the most difficult punishment I could have.  
484465 tn?1532214032
everyone wants to blame their mess-ups on something, anything but it being solely their fault.  if porn is the best excuse you could come up with, no wonder you haven't told her.  i suggest you do tell your wife since you're letting it (the guilt) eat you up.  oh, and don't forget to tell her it was all caused because of the porn...whatever guilt didn't eat up, your wife will finish off!
Avatar universal

I am not blaming porn, if you've read my post I accept complete responsibility.  I made a choice and it was a bad one.  But if you don't think the things we do, think and surround ourselves with has an influence, then you should wake up.   My mistake is far deeper than simply watching porn, but sex addictions, porn addictions are real and they do assist people in making the wrong decisions.  Certainly there is an underlying cause, just like the drug addict typically started drugs for a reason.  That is what the therapist is for, to help me understand and to come to terms with whatever it is that contributed to my decision.  There is no question that porn played a large roll in getting me there.  Consider it like alcohol, the alcohol didn't make me drink, but it does keep the alcoholic coming back for more.  Then one day, hopefully, the alcoholic wakes up and gets help.

Porn doesn't know that I watched it, nor does it care. But it did contribute to a big mistake.  Like any addiction it starts of innocently, then escalates.  If something doesn't stop you or give you pause, then it gets out of control.  That is what happened to me.
640829 tn?1230996060
Tell her .. DO It! and don't lie about it being with a prozzie either. Man up and tell all.. if she leaves you then that's the price you pay with your lil adventure, right?
And don't transfer the blame all onto porn..you did this yourself.. no one forced you to get that prostitute, you wanted it and you did it. Now do the right thing...
Avatar universal
I say tell your wife if you all truly love eachother then you can work it out. If you can go over a month without sex with your wife and she don't think anything of it then it seems you all had problems before this inciddent happened. Tell her and apoligize, are you hiding therapy from her too. She is going to be madder when you have to tell her and you have waited months to do so because now it dont look like a mistake it looks like I am only telling you because I got a STD
Avatar universal
Ok, I've heard about the porn and the addictive "qualities" (mostly for men), but soft porn is just as addictive to women (like romance novels and the like).  But neither has to ruin a relationship, I watch porn with my significant other and other times I read the steamy passages from the romance novel, and we discuss our likes and dislikes in regards to what we saw or what we read.  When shared neither one will drive a wedge in your relationship, but unshared will.  

As for the HSV-1 and the HSV-2 while neither one is life threatening they are extremely annoying.  As a woman who has HSV-1 in the genital area since over 20 years ago thanks to a boyfriend who had a lip breakout the next day. It hasn't been easy as every new relationship I enter, I have to bring it up instead of going with the flow on some romantic event, this has ended many relationships but I wouldn't willingly pass it on to anyone.  Please do not pass it on to your wife, you wouldn't want her to have to go thru every relationship after you by having to bare her soul before ever being intimate.

Not sure how the tests are done and if they can truly distinguish what type you have until you have an active lession.  That is how they used to determine the type.

As for your relationship with your wife you will need to let her know, no relationship is without its trials, and this might be something that you can work out and then again it might not be something that she wants to work out.  You didn't mention children and if you have kids then it makes things even more difficullt.  I would talk to your therapist and then maybe schedule a meeting with a marriage counsellor and have the discussion in neutral territory.   Be prepared for the doghouse and even having two separate households and even for the eventuality of never sharing a household again.  Your wife will need time and space to deal with this.  Face the piper, if she loves you she will have more respect for you telling her than hearing it from someone else, or from getting diagnosed with something that she would never have come into contact with if this hadn't happenned.

Take this as a growing experience.

568659 tn?1256139982
I haven't read all of the posts since my last response, have you gotten the test results back on HSV-2?
Avatar universal
They were negative, thank God!

After much thought, I will not be telling my wife.  I will deal with the issues that led to this and she will be on that journey for me.   The added stress of the mistake, will simply make more difficult for the two of us to move forward together.   There is no need to hurt her.

I know many of you think this may be cowardly and maybe it is.  But I suggest that there is more than one right answer and that is for each of us to decided under the circumstances.  Frankly, not telling her will not be easy for me.  Some may say, "yeah right."  But I do not carry secrets well.  I will always know what I did and believe me it hurts.  Other men may not feel that way, but I am hurt deeply by my unfaithfullness to my soul.   I pray that my decision serves the greater good and my love for her.
Avatar universal
Hi, I know I'm in the minority here, but I think you have made the right decision (and I'm normally someone for whom honesty in a relationship is a VERY big deal).  I genuinely believe you are upset and hurting about what you did, you are being punished by that.  Your wife has done nothing wrong, she doesn't deserve to be hurt and punished too.  If you can move forward, work and focus on your marriage, and never do again what you did, then I think this is the best route.
Avatar universal
Porn has been a major problem for me since I was 8 years old.  It has caused me endless problems in my relationships, and psychological pain beyond belief.  
I got my girlfriend of 3 months pregnant about 6 years ago.  I married her about 2 years later.  After that time, I cheated on her numerous times with co-workers, casual encounters, friends and a couple of "call girls".  Stupidity, hurt, arrogance, and addiction all fueled this horrific way of living.  4 months ago, I slept with a younger co-worker; she gave me herpes.  I had the initial outbreak 2 weeks later while on vacation in Disneyland with my wife, 5 year old, and my in-laws.  Swollen lymph nodes, blisters, fever.  I broke down and told her.  The next week, she told me that she needed me to move out.
About a month later, I found a place to live.  She told me that this would be a trial separation, a time to work things out if we could.  2 weeks later, she slept with a co worker.  I went nearly suicidal.  She is continuing to sleep with him now...they're in a relationship.  I'm devastated.  I feel like putting a ******* gun to my head and pulling the trigger till it goes "click".  She was the love of my life.  

My suggestion; NO PORN.  Keep your head on straight.  Stay honest.  And by all means, don't **** around unless you get permission from your wife first.  Otherwise, you may end up with the same emptiness in your soul that I have; a life time of missing what you once had is way worse than a lifetime of missing what you think you could have.  
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