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Trouble accepting stepson
I am aware that what I am going to say here is selfish and... wrong... so please dont just bash me and tell me what a horrible person I am. I am looking for some positive advice or reassurance or something.
I am engaged to be married. No date has been set yet. My fiance has a 2 year old son.... with a married woman. Although the issues with this woman are unimaginable, I dont want to make that my main point. My problem is that I am having a REALLY hard time accepting the fact that he has a son. My fiance has had almost no part in this kid's life until a few weeks ago because this woman's HUSBAND thought the kid was his the whole time. So it's all been this GIANT secret. And now that they are getting a divorce and the paternity tests are in that it is my fiance's son, he is SOOOOOOOOOO excited and happy and wants to see him and be a part of his life and yadda yadda. But it's all so overwhelming for me all of a sudden. And I'm extremely bummed out because WE are getting married and we're supposed to start our OWN family and have our OWN children. Now my fiance is experiencing all these 'Firsts' with this other kid and his mom. First word, first cute thing this, first cute thing that.... I am having a very hard time being understanding about it. I guess I dont get why, after never having anything to do with him for 2 years, he wants to now. It's complicating our relationship SO MUCH. Now we have to deal with his EX and this kid that suddenly appeared. I just dont know why..... why he cant just move on and be with me???????? It's tearing us apart and I dont think it's something I can handle. I'm only 25. He's 31. I never imagined dealing with something like this. Am I a horrible person if I can't find it in me to deal with this?
I am engaged to be married. No date has been set yet. My fiance has a 2 year old son.... with a married woman. Although the issues with this woman are unimaginable, I dont want to make that my main point. My problem is that I am having a REALLY hard time accepting the fact that he has a son. My fiance has had almost no part in this kid's life until a few weeks ago because this woman's HUSBAND thought the kid was his the whole time. So it's all been this GIANT secret. And now that they are getting a divorce and the paternity tests are in that it is my fiance's son, he is SOOOOOOOOOO excited and happy and wants to see him and be a part of his life and yadda yadda. But it's all so overwhelming for me all of a sudden. And I'm extremely bummed out because WE are getting married and we're supposed to start our OWN family and have our OWN children. Now my fiance is experiencing all these 'Firsts' with this other kid and his mom. First word, first cute thing this, first cute thing that.... I am having a very hard time being understanding about it. I guess I dont get why, after never having anything to do with him for 2 years, he wants to now. It's complicating our relationship SO MUCH. Now we have to deal with his EX and this kid that suddenly appeared. I just dont know why..... why he cant just move on and be with me???????? It's tearing us apart and I dont think it's something I can handle. I'm only 25. He's 31. I never imagined dealing with something like this. Am I a horrible person if I can't find it in me to deal with this?
I still believe that a man that has cheated behind another mans back would bother me, no matter how much i cared, remember it was a long affair, and he did not have any qualms about going behind, the mans back, than being up front about it, I do feel for the child it i not his fault, but i still think he is to me that means he had no integrity, but i do wish you luck in whatever you decide, just do not mistake lust for love luck jo
Lazylegs is NOT feeling resentful of the child, in case you are still not aware of this.
If you cant accept this child now, you need to think of the child and not Marry him he needs a Mother for his son , not someone who feels resentful, the child wont be happy and he is important Let your Fiancee go to find someone who will take him and his child with Love in their hearts.Incidently being "Bummed" out ,your words in the first Post, does sound very resentful.
Thank you so much for the wonderful, supportive (mostly) posts and advice!
I do want to clarify that no, I do not have ANY personally hurturl or resentful feelings toward the actual child himself. Not at all! It has nothing to do with him, he's an innocent little 2 year old boy. It's the fact of the matter. That's all.
And I know that by describing my fiance's past and relationship with his son's mother is going to inevitably make him sound like a horrible person... But... there's nothing I can do about giving off this one-sided, biased vibe about what kind of man he is. There's obviously more to him and our relationship but I understand how you all feel.
We have a lot to talk about.... I dont even know where to start in sorting out my thoughts and feelings about all this. I've been trying to write. But it's very very hard for me to really grasp what I'm thinking and what I want to say. I just have NO CLUE how to handle this. I truly appreciate any advice and thoughts you guys give. It really is nice to hear other people understand my feelings and have made it through things like this! Thank you so much.
I do want to clarify that no, I do not have ANY personally hurturl or resentful feelings toward the actual child himself. Not at all! It has nothing to do with him, he's an innocent little 2 year old boy. It's the fact of the matter. That's all.
And I know that by describing my fiance's past and relationship with his son's mother is going to inevitably make him sound like a horrible person... But... there's nothing I can do about giving off this one-sided, biased vibe about what kind of man he is. There's obviously more to him and our relationship but I understand how you all feel.
We have a lot to talk about.... I dont even know where to start in sorting out my thoughts and feelings about all this. I've been trying to write. But it's very very hard for me to really grasp what I'm thinking and what I want to say. I just have NO CLUE how to handle this. I truly appreciate any advice and thoughts you guys give. It really is nice to hear other people understand my feelings and have made it through things like this! Thank you so much.
I have to agree with everyone else. I have always felt that if someone would cheat on someone else, why wouldn't they cheat on me? So, I feel like if he would sleep with a married woman, that he could cheat on you on the future.
As for the child.......Just remember that it is not the child's fault and he is the totally innocent party in all of this. He cannot make decisions for himself and is depending on all of these adults around him to do what is in his best interest. And in all of this, he has lost (I assume) who he has known as his dad for the past 2 years. How confusing and sad for a child. My youngest child is 13 months old and adores her dad. I cannot imagine if he was just not in her life all of a sudden. If you truly feel resentment, that could be past on to an innocent child that never asked to be put here. And that's not fair.
So, just think long and hard about what you want to do and if you are ready to accept this child and his mother into your life, because he/she will be there for the forseeable future. If you don't think you can handle that (in particular the ex), I'd move on.
I wish you the best of luck.
As for the child.......Just remember that it is not the child's fault and he is the totally innocent party in all of this. He cannot make decisions for himself and is depending on all of these adults around him to do what is in his best interest. And in all of this, he has lost (I assume) who he has known as his dad for the past 2 years. How confusing and sad for a child. My youngest child is 13 months old and adores her dad. I cannot imagine if he was just not in her life all of a sudden. If you truly feel resentment, that could be past on to an innocent child that never asked to be put here. And that's not fair.
So, just think long and hard about what you want to do and if you are ready to accept this child and his mother into your life, because he/she will be there for the forseeable future. If you don't think you can handle that (in particular the ex), I'd move on.
I wish you the best of luck.
WOW...My BF has two 8 yr old sons and I have to say it was HARD for me to suck that up. (we're very happy now, but it took time - and I KNEW about them from the start) In my opinion you guys need to go into some serious counseling before you even consider marriage. He IS a cheater and a liar, even if he is also kind and generous & funny.. ?
: { Sorry. My main concern, beyond losing the "firsts" and the jealousy of him already having created a family without you in it, is the ex.
You can say he doesn't want her, and that he stopped sleeping with her when you came along; but she was/IS his best friend of over 6 yrs and at some point he found her sexually appealing enough to cheat with her. That would be of a MAJOR concern to me. In fact, sans the child, I would be uncomfortable with them having contact - so the fact that she is permanently in his life and has 16 more guaranteed years to work on him makes me very doubtful.
I am not an expert though, so I STRONGLY urge actually all THREE of you to go to a family thearpist so that all lines are drawn and clear. He can tell you anything he wants about what he and she say to eachother, but it doesn't mean it's true... From the mouth of a liar often spew lies.
So sorry, good luck.
: { Sorry. My main concern, beyond losing the "firsts" and the jealousy of him already having created a family without you in it, is the ex.
You can say he doesn't want her, and that he stopped sleeping with her when you came along; but she was/IS his best friend of over 6 yrs and at some point he found her sexually appealing enough to cheat with her. That would be of a MAJOR concern to me. In fact, sans the child, I would be uncomfortable with them having contact - so the fact that she is permanently in his life and has 16 more guaranteed years to work on him makes me very doubtful.
I am not an expert though, so I STRONGLY urge actually all THREE of you to go to a family thearpist so that all lines are drawn and clear. He can tell you anything he wants about what he and she say to eachother, but it doesn't mean it's true... From the mouth of a liar often spew lies.
So sorry, good luck.
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