Advice

[adviceplease763]

I hope it's okay that I've posted this in another forum topic but I would just like as many opinions as possible.  Is this normal, am I crazy, any suggestions for improving this situation or is it just never going to happen (too late).  Thanks for any thoughts.

Been married almost 20 years with 3 kids -- elementary to high school.

My husband is mostly supportive and provides well and is a good dad.

He has a bit of a temper but usually cools down fairly quickly.  We have one issue that comes up sometimes and just becomes unbearable.  Before we met I had a boyfriend for about 2.5-3 years and we slept together.  My husband knew this and we dated for 4 years before we got married.  But every so often he gets really angry about this and makes me feel like an absolute horrible person.  The biggest lowlife in the world and says it was a mistake that he married me.

I love(d) him but I just don't know how much more of this I can take.  The first years there was no talk like this but since growing our family he just gets on this every so often and it will be weeks of misery.  I guess I've probably stayed because it always got better and we had a family and I wanted to stay together and didn't want to hurt our kids.

Tmes have been tough and I don't know if I could financially swing to leave and take care of my kids.  He is spiteful to others who have done him "wrong" so I am a bit afraid he would torture me at the expense of the kids.  I do not have family to speak of, so I don't have support in that regard.

Most importantly I don't know what would be more detrimental to my kids.  They are mostly shielded from this (they see dad being angry at me but don't know why) so do I just try to get through the rough patches or is the writing on the wall?

I do have regret but I also don't think I am deserving of the attacks I am receiving.  I know he had several "partners" before me.  I haven't ever asked for details nor have I wanted them.  I just accepted that it was before me and had nothing to do with me.

Any opinions would be helpful.

[shell921]

to me it's a deal breaker if your spouse refuses to go to therapy or to talk about problems. nothing can ever get resolved if this is the case. i feel bad for you. this is a real mess and unless you leave you are stuck with a huge problem. sometimes when women leave, men will shape up. maybe you need to tell him you are going to live apart from him until/unless he agrees to therapy. seeking help via therapy is s sign of strength and he should be willing to do everything he can for the sake of keeping his family together. he has got a lot to lose if he does not TRY.

[adviceplease763]

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think I can get him to talk to anyone about this.  It is a sore subject and shameful for him (only what I've done 20+ years ago, not anything he did). And I do think depression is a factor but he will never admit it.  He doesn't believe in therapy and most problems are other peoples faults (in his eyes) anyway.

I just wish I had known it was going to be such an issue before we got married and before kids.  It just seems to be so much of a bigger issue the last few years and I just don't know how much more I can take.  But the kids are happy and are mostly unaware (definitely on subject matter)  so I just don't want to "mess" them up.  I just dont know.

Again, thank you for your replies.  

[brice1967]

I'll try this again.  I've tried to post 2 times and for some reason it is not posting.

Obviously, it is not logical that he is upset over something that happened before he was in the picture.  He had a life of his own before you, and I'd guess something traumatic happened there... no clue as to what it is.

I agree that a 3rd party would be beneficial.  Besides a member of the clergy, perhaps the family doctor could step in for an assist.  Nobody knows you like your doctor and he can certainly get you in line to see the appropriate professional to diagnose and address the issue.

The man sounds as depressed as I was.  His symptoms sound just like mine.  Here's the key... he has to want the help and I believe a guy has to hit bottom, just like an alcoholic or a junkie does.  Everybody's bottom is different, and everyone puts in their own level of dedication to getting themselves better.  Bottom line is, he has to want to get help.

[myown2]

I think you need a 3rd party in on this whether you can get him to go for therapy or maybe speak to a Pastor. This is in his head and I don't think he is going to change by anything you say unfortunately because in his mind your the problem and he's fine. Not that you really are, but in his head you are, so that's his reality.

But anyhow even if you don't belong to a church, Pastors are there for the Community not just the people who belong to their church, so there's no need to feel awkward for any reason, and they hear just about anything you can think of so there's no need to feel embarrassed or anything. Even if your Husband won't go with you, I think it would help if you could  talk to someone who has helped others in similar situations..

Good luck.