What do I do now?

[Red931]

I am a chronic pain patient and my wife recently left me. I have had 15 surgeries in the last 3 1/2 years and had to retire from my 23 year career as a police officer. My wife had not been sleeping in the same bed/room with me for the past 7 1/2 years of the 9 year marriage. My wife is severely bi-polar and may even be schizophrenic at this point. I don't know because she would never share any information about her psychiatric care. What I do know is that she refuses medication from any doctor that suggested it and then changed doctors until she found the fairly inexperienced one she is with now.

I have been told that there is nothing I can do to help her because she refuses to get the proper help that she needs. I have also been told to move on because life with her would have just become worse because of it.

What should I do? She has already filed for divorce.

[Red931]

Thank you all for the support. You guys are also correct in that we were just living under the same roof. She would become very abusive and if I would defend myself verbally she would twist it around and make herself a victim. She also used my pain medication as an excuse. The truth is that I didn't want to carry on a charade any longer so I didn't go out anywhere with her anywhere anymore.

We went to marriage counseling with her. The therapist could only come up with telling us to go out more. (What an idiot.)  My soon to be ex-wife also has a best friend that is a therapist so she was manipulating the process.

It is definitely a blessing in disguise and I do have a great support system and have people to talk to.

Merry Christmas to all.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry.  It must feel like a complete betrayel after living with her through all of her psychiatric issues and lack of intimacy to then have HER leave you while you are trying to put things together after your surgeries and while in such pain.  

I agree that she has already left and filed for divorce so there is really nothing you can do.  I personally think it sounds like you two just existed under one roof together for many years as it doesn't sound like a close relationship.  

And I will say that if she has mental health issues and will not treat them to their fullest, then she is incapable of having a real relationship.  

Have you sought any therapy for yourself just to talk through some of the feelings you are having?  I think that chronic pain sufferers can often be or become depressed and this complicates the pain issues.  So make sure to take care of yourself in this regard.  I'd work on increasing your support system if you can.  Join some church groups if you have any affiliation with a church of some sort.  Keep a journal to write out feelings as you have them.  It helps set the thought free a bit.  Call friends and family.  Ask for support.

I wish you luck and peace.

[teko]

If she has filed for divorce, there is nothing you can do except accept that it is over. It sounds like you have both been thru the ringer and maybe this is a blessing in disquise. Altho it may not seem like it at this moment. Look at it as a fresh start. There are people out there that can love you thru good and bad times and not bail when the going gets rough. I bet you find one too! Good luck and Merry Christmas to you.

[Red931]

Thank you. You are correct in your assessment. This woman knew nothing of the vows she took. It is no surprise as this was her second marriage. She goes through the same cycle in her life over and over again. She has been doing it since her teenage years. She always had a good excuse for her behavior.

There was even a quack on here (Dr. Pomerance) that gave her advice to leave me without even knowing the situation. Some people will do anything for a buck.

[imanaddict]

First off, I'm sorry you are dealing with so much pain emotionally and physically. It's hard enough to have to deal with the problems associated with pain and surgeries, but to not have your spouse love and support you during that time is unacceptable. It sounds as if her leaving may be a blessing in disguise. Whoever told you that there is nothing you can do to help her is correct. We can only help ourselves and others can help us, but only if we allow them. Ultimately, it is up to us though.

It may not seem like it now because it still hurts, but eventually you will be able to be happy again and hopefully find someone else that will love you the way they should (through sickness and health, etc). Right now, focus on yourself and getting yourself better. Keep family and friends around as much as possible. Especially during the holiday season.