Help Please

[boogiefly]

Ok, my boyfriend of 15 yrs just told me that I wasted his life by being with him. We got together young, had a long distance relationship, he promised to be faithful and marry me. He was faithful but he started looking at porn all the time, and soon asked to have a 3some, which really hurt me. Then after a few years I agreed to the threesome. Then I cheated on him with a girl who I thought would be a good fit, but she wasn't and I was ashamed to tell him. Then I did tell him, and ever since, he is hurt, and I understand, but its been 4 almost 5 years since I told him. Then I had an epiphany...I was still hurt by what he did years ago. So the reason I had issues when looked @ other girls and watched porn is cuz of that. I told him and said I was sorry, and now he won't forgive me for having resentment. And now I don't know what to do to make him feel better. Its been 3 months since I told him my epiphany, and he just doesn't drop it. I asked what I can do to make it up to him and all he kept saying is that he wants to be irresponsible like I got to be. So I don't know what to do. Do I let him go out with other girls?

[Londres70]

Get some therapy as soon as possible.  

All the best.

[boogiefly]

You are right, I don't know the difference. This is the first and only relationship I have been with. I was only 16 when we got together, and before him, I had 6 other boyfriends, but not for very long (5 months at most each one). That is why a lot of things are so confusing for me.

[Londres70]

The adult thing "to do" is take care of yourself first.  Walking away because a relationship is unhealthy for you doesn't mean you aren't being "adult."  In fact, you are being adult.
Sometimes you should walk away even if you love someone for the sake of being healthy.

I don't know how you equate "faithful" with wanting a "threesome" and loving "porn."  I don't see how your weight should be a factor in determining staying with this man.  He is NOT the only man who loves larger women; I can garantee you that.  Plus, alot of other good men have jobs and pay bills.  What is so special about that?  A man should be able to do those things.  

Work and pay your own bills.  Why be depended on someone in the first place to take care of you?  

Alot of your thought process is r/t your abusive past.  Get healthy first and then you will see a difference between an "unhealthy" relationship and a "healthy" one.  I think you don't know the difference.  

Both of you need therapy and shouldn't not be together.    

[boogiefly]

Hi again.  I have been taking lessons, and have been getting better.  I just get really nervous.  Also, my weight is not only hereditary, but I also have PCOS, which I had since I was a teenager (when I WAS thinner) and it got worse when I turned 25.  I have been working out and eating right, and its slowly coming off, and I have been getting help with this syndrome as well.  I agree with  you, my thinking pattern is unhealthy.  I want to fix it and be happy.  I guess I just need to make a descision already.  I just love him so much.

[specialmom]

Yes, I think you should give up.  Whatever his past was (or yours)----  one has to progress in life.  You said he promised to be faithful  (which means to give up other women!!  including begging you to do threesome's so he can be with another woman) and to marry you.  This is not happening.  

There is a pattern that you may be falling victem to when someone has had some of the hurts you had as a young girl.  You may be choosing someone that can not fully love you.  It is fulfilling an internal psychological belief you have.  

The ADULT thing to do is to take good care of ourselves.  Picking partners that treat us right and we have a content relationship with is part of taking care of ourselves.  Being emotionally healthy is when we can say that this relationship is not working.  Yes, some relationships are not meant to be.

I contend that you need to figure out who you are without this guy.  If you are alone for a bit, you may begin to sort this out and be in a better position to make healthy choices.  And I would strongly encourage some psychological therapy for you because another common pattern to someone that has been abused is to put a barrier to others up . . . IE: weight.  

YOu can learn to drive, by the way.  Start taking lessons.  The instructors pick you up and teach you.  It is time to take your life over and not be held hostage by fear of 'this is good enough and the unknown is scary".  Sure it is scary but this is not a happy relationship and hasn't been for absolute ages.

I wish you luck but am worried about your thought pattern and that it is currently unhealthy.  This relationship is a product of that.  I hope you seek counseling on your own and are able to move on life and find TRUE happiness.  Peace and luck to you.

[boogiefly]

Hi, he had no girlfriends before me, just some girl he made out with and felt up the summer before we got together.  He dump her because he heard she like another guy. And he was abused by his dad; his dad used to beat him up for no reason all the time, and also, he was in foster care...basically, his childhood was a nightmare.  Mine was too, I was molested by my own uncle, and my mom was horrible to me because she didn't believe me and loved him.  So I moved away with my dad.  I want to take all this advice, but I love him.  Should I just give up because I am not getting my way?  Isn't the adult thing to do if you love someone is try to work it out?  Plus, I am large woman, and he likes large women, and I don't think I could find another man, who works, helps pays bills, and hasn't cheated (to my knowledge) and doesn't go out partying, that would ever love me. Also, I don't know how to drive, and he has been understanding about that and that's another thing I don't think someone else would be as understanding.  We also live together, so that will really complicate things. I just want to do the right thing, and I don't know what that is.  I want to be with him because he is smart, and funny, and he is so gorgeous.  I just don't know what to do.

[Londres70]

I am sorry to say this so bluntly;  You need to seek therapy.  He needs help as well, but unfortunately he refuses.  You all need to NOT be together.  Sounds very co-dependent (you depend on him to treat you like crap and he depends on you to abuse), creepy and unhealthy.  Plus, a bunch of goofy/weird drama.  

This man has TOTALLY warped your mind.  He has convinced you that you are the source of all his problems.  Well, if he feels that way then he SHOULD have LEFT you long ago.  Sounds like stays because he enjoys emotionally abusing you; which is what he is doing and you are allowing it.  I don't know what his past history is with gfs, family, etc. but there probably was abuse somewhere in the equation.  

Get out of this, get some therapy and move on.  

[perch101]

Boogie - this is not a good guy. Just maybe a small thing in the scheme of things,.... but you said in your last post to me he tells you the women he watches in porn are 'sexy'? He is TRYING to hurt and upset you. Why would a guy say this to his partner after watching porn?

Put this together with him obsessing about a thresome, and always wanting to 'even the score' and saying he wants  to 'behave irresponsibly' as you did ......he will ALWAYS hold this over your head....he will always act as the 'hurt' person who can do as he wants because he was 'wronged' and he will always torment you over it.  He is not a good guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you do? - these issues probably wont end unfortunately. You are still young enough that there is time to find a genuinely nice guy without this nasty petty streak that your current boyfriend has.

I know that sounds blunt.... but I think because you are in the middle of it you 'can't see the woods from the trees' as they say. But us reading it can....

Good luck and best wishes.

[mami1323]

You know, I haven't really been on much but it pains me to see that you are still posting the same issues over the same relationship.  Specialmom is right, this has been going on for WAY too long.  My advice to you will be the same as it was the other times you asked for advice.  Move on.  This relationship hasn't been healthy, EVER!!!  I feel like what is the point in even giving you advice if you won't take it anyway.  I hate to even sound like that but at some point, you need to stop asking advice and do something.  Only you can change your life.  You don't want to wake up one day and realize that you've wasted your life away with a man who really wasn't worth it.  Fifteen years is too many.  Sorry, but I feel like he will always use the cheating as a form of power over you.  He will use it to make you feel like you owe him something.  This way, he can belittle you and make you feel like you deserve it, since you cheated.  He was rotten to you way before you even did that.  I just think you should do some self reflection and re-evaluate your life.  

[boogiefly]

Thanks for your advice. I found it very helpful. I have tried to work on myself for the past six months and it has worked off and on. I guess I am not concentrating on myself as much as I thought.

[brice1967]

UGH.... I shouldn't take the "religious bait" but I've bitten.  I'm not knocking religion, but if religion were the answer, no religious people would have problems.  This is a human problem.  Humans, all humans are capable of making mistakes, even the holiest of the bunch.

Listen, you've been given loads of strong, valid information above regarding your issue.  If not for you, you've voiced his reluctance about seeing a therapist.  

The thing with forgiveness is, in order to be forgiven we have to be able to forgive ourselves.  Learning true forgiveness is probably one of the hardest lessons to learn because it comes from within.  You have to look at what you've done, embrace it, know it fully, completely own what you've done, and then be willing to walk away.  Also, the judging needs to stop.  He judges you, you judge yourself, you judge what he's done, and then you try to compare it all.  It just isn't necessary, and you'll never find forgiveness there.

Listen, you've got to quit looking at things and judging or labeling them as either good or bad.  There is a giant space between those two words.  There is no good or bad, there are just outcomes.  Some look better than others, sure.  But that's it.... what you learn from these outcomes makes the difference.

Him dropping it or you dropping it and just trying to move forward will produce more dysfunction.  If he is unwilling to see a therapist, you ought to consider it for yourself.  I mean no disrespect when I say this, but you sound really, really needy when you say that " you want him to love you".  A therapist, a good therapist is not going to judge you.  That is not their job.  A therapist is going to help you acknowledge your problems, address them, and help make you a stronger person.  You've got a lot of self doubt and self esteem issues.  

Worst case scenario for you right now is that this relationship does not work out, correct?  You need to really work on yourself.  Working on you will help you make it on the other end if it doesn't work out.  Also, woking on you can better help you help him with his problems.  This takes work on both of your behalves.  If one or neither of you will be willing to do the work, the relationship is doomed.  Get help for yourself, if nobody else.

[1spartan]

This may get me booed off the stage but that is the reason God instituted one man for one woman.... a few things to me keep relationships on very weak ground:  sex before marriage (any man that cannot show his love and respect for his chosen spouse by keeping himself under control is not a man.), not having a good bible believing church that you both happily attend (ths would've made a threesome or porn a non-issue) and it will help you thru tough times that all marriages go thru, and you must agree on your style of living... is to be outlandish, frugal, irresponsible, ect.  I truly am sorry for your troubles.... your can't change the past,  but you can walk thru the door of the local bible believing church and try to have a future.... all my best

[boogiefly]

Also, I just wanted to clarify something. Porn isn't the issue now, as it was in the beginning when he hurt me by looking at it. I have accpeted him for who he is. Also, I look at it with him now because of my curiosity about women. The problem was that he won't let what I did go. Also, he won't forgive me for being upset for a long time. See, I had thought I accepted that he looked at it years ago, but I didn't properly deal with it, so it had always bothered me, even after I told him he could look at it and I didn't care, but sometimes I would feel bad when he would say how sexy they were. Now it doesn't bother me cuz I realized I had this issue. So the problem is that he is mad at me for being hurt for too long. And for me cheating. I just wanted to know if anyone had any ideas how I can ease his pain.

[boogiefly]

I have tried to tell him to let this all go. And I have been working on myslef for the last couple of years, but he seems to go back to it all the time. I just love him so much and want to make him happy. I just want him to love me, and he says he does, or he wouldn't be with me. He says he uses the porn as an escape from the pain I have caused him, and a threesome has been his fantasy for years, even before he met me, but he didn't mention it until a few years in, so it was a shock. But I know part of our issues are my fault cuz I made a huge mistake, but I just want him to stop being hurt, and that pain I caused doesn't happen overnight. I really do want to make this work, and I DO want to go to therapy as well, but I feel also like they will judge me because I cheated on him with a girl. I just don't know how to make him forgive me and still want so much to forgive myself for this great offense.

[perch101]

I also don't know why you would want to stay with this guy who badgers you for threesomes and has a porn problem and holds resentment, but since you seem to be intent on staying with him.......

It must be SO stressful to be in a relationship where you are both constantly arguing about who 'has something on the other' who has done worse.

I think for this to be a healthy and enjoyable relationship you both need to agree that you've both made mistakes and will start again on a fresh page.

If this is not achievable....(and I have a feeling it isn't but you never know)  I would walk away. Or you will spend the rest of your life like this, with this constant insecurity and drama in your relationship...

[brice1967]

Honestly, pornography sounds like the least of your troubles.  There are a few levels of dysfunction in your relationship.  Some of it is your responsibility and some of it is his.  Worse than that, information I have gathered from the above posts suggests that this has been going on for quite some time.  Apparently neither of you is willing to offer any consolations, so that firmly lands you in this stand still.  Until there are changes made, you can safely assume that the relationship will remain as rocky as it is or continue to spiral out of control.

Both of you need to make changes, and both of you need to be on the same page.  A conversation between the both of you should cover if there is a chance that this can be worked out, or not.  With that, all options on working on this need to be gone over.

I agree with specialmom.  If he won't go to therapy, you go by yourself.  Why would you want to continue to live with all of this insecurity?  

[specialmom]

As I said boogiefly, you've had this issue with this man for a long long time.  How would being with another woman make him closer to you?  

My husband is not into porn.  I know because it doesn't bother me and he's never been interested in it.  He thinks it is funny and finds the people in it fake.  Does nothing for him.  

Anyway, at some point you two will have to move passed this.  You've been stuck with these same issues and questions for a couple of years at least.  

If he won't go to therapy, you should go by yourself.  I think it would help you a lot.  good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

boogie, there are plenty of guys out there who do not want threesomes and would not do what your guy is doing.  But even more to the point, even if there are not (you somehow seem to think this guy is normal), this guy in particular does not do you any good.  It's better to be free and on your own than to be with someone who has you tied up in emotional knots.

[boogiefly]

Kayannaboo, I have told him about those consequences, and he dismisses them and says I'm too much of a jealous person, and that as long as no one involved gets jealous, nothing bad will happen. He says he wants to have fun, and I have held him back because I didn't forgive him for the porn. Also, he feels he has the right to more freedom because I cheated on him when kissed someone else, and he feels cheated because he says I treat him badly.

[boogiefly]

How do you know all those guys don't? I thought mine didn't too (when he was my fiancee) and he really was. He used the internet and just cleared his web history and saved it to a disk or drive. I don't believe there is on man who doesn't look at it. All men do is want to see naked women.

[boogiefly]

No I have asked him about that before and he says therapists are full of it, and don't help people, that all they do is ask,"and how does that make you feel?", and they are a waste of time and money.

[specialmom]

Boogiefly, I think I've had similar discussions with you over this for the past year or two.  This has been going on for a very long time.  There is a bit of dysfunction to your relationship and I'm not sure what keeps you glued to it. Your boyfriend has been clamoring for a threesome for I don't know how long now.  And your last question was "should I let him go out with other girls?"  What are you talking about here?  How is that going to make you closer?  

Would he be interested in seeing a couple's therapist with you?  

[sweetpea03]

There are plenty of men who don't look at porn and there are many great guys out there. My fiance does not look at porn, neither do many of his friends. I would not suggest that you stay with a man who will hold what you did in the past over your head and use it as black mail to get what he wants. Do you really want that kind of relationship? I suggest you really just think about it and think about just being single for a while, then dating again.

[boogiefly]

Also, I feel like I am the cause of all of our problems and I really owe him.