Boyfriend had a baby while i travelled home

[myownbff82]

Will put myself out there for judgments as i feel awful and believe i had it coming. I have been in an abusive relationship for 13 years and it took me a long time to realize and leave that one behind. My ex-husband wanted to travel the world and suggested that we would have an open relationship so he would be able to sleep around. He actually did and i accepted because i saw it as an escape from him. It happens that one night i met someone and we liked each other. I was upfront with him though and said i was married and that we had an open relationship. He obviously didnt care as he wanted to get in my pants. We ended up connecting a lot and i actually asked my husband to divorce. In the meantime this man finally told me that his "roomate" was actually a wife who he was in the process of getting divorced. It took me as a shock but ok. Until one day she wrote to me saying she was pregnant. He denied and said she was lying, she was not pregnant and she wanted to divorce too - they hated each other and he said he married her to help her with her citizenship blahblahblah a mess. I believed him. 2 months after we started our summer dating my ex- husband came back from the corner of the planet where he was and told me he had slept with 5 younger gorgeous girls but that i had broken the rules and started dating. But i wanted to divorce him i said. That i didnt think it was fair for him to travel for teo years ******* around while i worked and provided. He made me captive, stole my phone, started comunicating with everyone including my family as if he was me. It was a mess. I resumed hurting myself like in the past with him (i would take pills to at least go to the hospital, but lie i was just sick so ppl wouldnt think i was trying to hurt myself) i cut my arms and got very depressed. I decided to go to one, two, three doctors and was diagnosed with bipolar type 1. He would threaten me and that guy and say he would kill us both. In the meantime, since i had no phone and didnt memorize my summer boyfriend home i couldnt talk to him, when i finally got it i contacted him and told him what was happening. We met in secret to talk. He said he had slept with his wife again but she had left their house since they were still in the divorce process. Anyway i was trying to get rid of my crazy psycho husband but given the years of manipulation and also confusion i decided to try again. He wanted to force me to do stuff sexually that made me sick so we fought until he was banging my head against the wall and i was screaming hysterically. From that point on we agreed we needed to split for good. I left my home and finally contacted the other man saying i was not with my husband and he told me he was not with his wife either. So we met and started dating. Around valentines day following year he said he needed to confess something to me. That he actually had a newborn with his "ex". So he lied about her not being pregnant. I forgave him cuz he was with her not me. But two months later i had a change of heart and said i could not do that. I was destroying a family, but he said that they were not together he would never stay with her, she was dating someone else and he loved his son. I stayed. Time went by and he moved in with me, his son started coming by and it was all fine. My psycho ex-husband agreed to officially divorced (since he had someone 10 years younger, one of his "five" flings). Everything was kind of adjusting so i went to visit my fanily abroad and my boyfriend now stayed in "our" apartment caring for my pet. He also maintained his old apt because he could not break the lease he said. When i returned things were amazing. I paid for trips, i made more money so i usually picked the bill. But he was changed. He was getting frustrated and upset with every little thing i did. It really hurt me. So one day, about 10 months later i received an email from his still to be "ex-wife" stating that she had another baby... I confronted him and he admitted that while i was abroad he got drunk and slept with her "using a condim and she probably used the confom to get her pregnant!?"  I was devasted cuz he cheated, but at the same time for anyone looking from outside i was the ***** cuz she was still his wife meanwhile he was living with me for 1.5 years... Anyway, i forgave him dont know why, maybe cuz i gave up so much for him, i really loved him. Time went by and 6 months after he still didnt see the baby, he is still "finalizing CS and divorce". I started feeling sick and found out i have a asc-h result on my paps and needed to do biopsy. But when i went to do it i found out im pregnant and the doctor advised waiting for the second trimester and then if it is bad we "talk". Well, now im having feelings that i should not be with him that he is a lier and cheater. He admitted he was frustrated in the past because of the secret he was keeping cuz he knew i would leave him if he told me what he did and he said he thought i was sleeping with my exhusband when i was actually really getting divorced. Something he still couldnt do cuz of the new baby CS. I have been to the psych ward with all this craziness. Gave up my BD meds. Lost my job after disability. He always got money from me but rately paid back now he is trying cuz im broke and depressed and he complains about my mood. Im so lost i feel like disappearing. I know this is all too crazy, my life was always a mess, not sure what to do. Just wanted to vent i guess. Deeply sad... Feel dirty, i hate myself.

[Nighthawk61]

Sorry to hear you are so unhappy. I too think that you should be by yourself, get back on your meds and talk to a therapist about what's made you so unhappy with these two men. Neither scenario has been supporting your own good mental health. You can find a man that is fully respectful of you, but i think that you need to find some distance from these two relationships in order to do that. You need to clear your head for sure, and regain your composure and ability to love yourself. Then, you will be free to press a restart button, and try again. 3 times a charm. You have to do some work to be able to make that statement a reality though and reset standards that any  male suitor would have to live up to. That would take some dialogue on your part and the best place to do that , is with a therapist.

Friends are also important, to be able to talk to. Please feel free to private message myself or anyone here. We'd love to be able to support you in any way we can.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  I'm so glad you found us and reached out as I know that can be hard.  I'm very sorry you are hurting and all of this has happened.  Please know that people get into a life that they eventually realize isn't working and that you aren't alone.  

Now, what kind of advise are you looking for?  I can be truthful and say that I'd love to see you have a re do from what's been going on the past few years by starting over.  No ex husband in the picture (that was horrible, truly).  And no new live in boyfriend with another family, lies, etc.  

Could you live alone for a bit to clear your head??  This in my opinion would be the best thing for you right now.  Tell me what you think of that and we'll go from there hon.  Hang in there.  We can change our lives when motivated and you sound motivated at this moment.  Take advantage of that for a happier life sweetie.  hugs