Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[Carly1306]

I think him saying you're not being affectionate enough is just an excuse to make it seem okay for what he done. Like you'll think 'oh poor him, it's my fault for not being affectionate enough so this is why he's had to go elsewhere' - absolute rubbish. If that were a problem, he could bring it up with you and you two could work on it as a couple. There's just no need to go looking elsewhere.

If it is your worry that he'll do it again, or get better at hiding then that really does show that the trust is most definitely gone from your relationship. He broke that trust, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve it back either. It's not fair on you to have to be in a relationship where you would always doubt yourself and if you're being affectionate enough or always wondering where he is, what he's doing and looking at everything to see if it's suspicious or not. That's no way to live, and you deserve so much more than that.

Everything you're feeling is completely normal for what you're going through, so don't think you're alone in those thoughts. Not every man is a cheater. I think it takes someone very weak, to cheat. And do you want to be with someone who is weak like that? He might feel guilty or bad about what he's done, on some level. But he obviously can't feel that bad about it, otherwise the guilt would have made him stop.

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.  I went through this with my husband.  It was over 3 years ago and he had a long term affair.  About a year and a half, with a girl who he met at his job.  He was a personal trainer and she was a member at the gym.  When I found out about it, my world was crushed.  We had been together for 5 years, which is a lot less time then you and your husband, although the pain still intense.  He cheated while we planned our wedding and all throughout my pregnancy and I found out when my son was 9 months old.  It is so hard to decide what you want to do.  Especially right when you just find out.  You go through so many ups and downs.  So many different feelings about it all.  One minute you feel like you love them, the next you despise them.  You want to stay and then you think it easier just to walk away.  My husband truly regretted cheating on me.  To this day, he feels remorse for it.  It caused so much pain and made me doubt him as a person.  Do I believe in once a cheat, always a cheat? No.  I do think people can change.  I don't think it's a mistake. I think an affair, especially an ongoing affair is done on a consious level.  They plan it, they know they are lying in order to sneak away.  Those things aren't a mistake.  I do think though that just because they do it that one time, they can realize how horrible it is to watch the person they love in so much pain, that they won't want to do it again.  The only problem is us believing it won't happen again.  I won't lie to you and say, yep, you will trust 100% again.  You won't.  But you will get to a better place over time.  The doubt will be there but it won't take over your mind.  You will eventually learn how to put the affair in the back of your mind.  You will learn to deflect the thoughts of the affair so that you can go about your day without letting them take over.  It takes a very long time though.  The first year after an affair is the hardest.  I to felt like a fool for taking him back and staying.  Now I feel it was the best thing ever.  My son has his father, I have my husband and we are a much stronger couple.  He's matured a lot, he puts his family first now.  You will fall in love again as long as your husband shows remorse, regret and has patience.  I also think you and him should go into counseling.  That was the first thing we did after the affair.  It is very hard to work things through without professional help.  Plus, you don't ever want this to happen again and a therapist can get to the bottom of why it happened and how to make sure it won't happen in the future.  Perhaps your husband was being honest about the affection.  It isn't an excuse at all, because he should've communicated that to you instead of cheating, however I wouldn't discount his reasons for it.  Maybe in his mind, you weren't being affectionate.  You both will have to work on things.  He will have to learn to come to you with his feelings instead of looking elsewhere.  Please know though that him having an affair has nothing to do with you though.  Even if you weren't as affectionate as he would've liked.  It's his responsibility to tell you.  Him having an affair was his character flaw.  Your husband will also need to be fully transparent for trust to be regained.  You need to KNOW that it's over with this woman.  Wondering if it is isn't enough.  I wish you the best of luck.  Please feel free to message me if you would like.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree that the trust is gone.  
Can it be rebuilt?
Who knows?  (probably not......not completely)

This has Forever changed who You thought You were Married to.  What You have to determine is if You can live with the new issues that His affair now brings to Your table.  You have a 20 year Marriage and 2 Children.  No one just "walks away" from all that.  You must realize You are going to be Sad and Unhappy for a long time to come - whether You leave, or whether You stay - this has changed Your world and it will take a LOT of work, on His part as well as Yours !!   If He wants to stay in the Marriage I would give Him the ULTIMATUM of counseling - it doesn't matter if He doesn't "like" it !!  OMGolly, You don't like it either !!  but He didn't give YOU a choice in this matter.  Who cares what He likes right now??  He EARNED it!!  This is His "consequence" if He wants to save His marriage.  

Please, whatever You do - don't let Him make You feel that He did this because of You.   It's NOT about who You are - it's about who HE is.  Anyone who cheats has less Character, less Morals and fewer Standards than those who do not cheat.  No one cheats to "fix" what's wrong in a marriage and then finds a way to make You feel it's Your fault!!??  
(if You were broke and hungry - would it be Your fault if He sneaked around behind Your back and robbed a bank?)

Good luck to You from the bottom of my heart

[Londres70]

Well, he definitely needs to get some type of counselling with you or on his own.  Don't let him try to put this on you as he is RESPONSIBLE for his own behavior.  Sounds like some kid (4 year old) saying "My hand made me steal that toy."  REAL men discuss issues not go out and cheat.  

Plus, you shouldn't go comparing yourself to this woman.  Prettier, thinner, etc. has NOTHING to do with men cheating.  Hollywood starlets are getting cheated on too even AFTER all the liposuction, face-lifts, etc.

All the above posters have given alot of good insight.  As I stated earlier I have never personally experienced this, but I have friends and family that have and the ones that tried to stay and work things out have had alot of difficult times.  

[Fool2011]

I would like to believe that there is some hope in saving a 21 year relationship, but I just don't know. It affects my every day life to the point where I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. At first I was taking a lot of Benadryl just so I could sleep and not think about them together. I sit at work and do a poor job because my mind is elsewhere.
I agree with making him go back to counseling. Who cares if he doesn't like it. I don't like the situation he has put me in.
I've been worried about what my financial situation would be like. It would be bad. He makes so much more than me. He would end up with a girlfriend and live comfortably on his income while I struggled.
I don't know, I am just all over the place.  I'm just trying to find a way to get through this and don't know how. I've talked to five others and it wasn't til I talked to my sister that I finally had some strength. When I found this site I was happy that I may actually get some advice from people who have been in my shoes. All your comments have helped me. Lol I still have no clue what the hell I want or what I'm gonna do, but I at least know I'm not crazy and there's always someone to talk to.
Thanks again. Even though I don't know any of you I'm glad to now have you in my life and to know you're there when I need to talk. :)

[TTinKKerBBell]

I so Completely and Totally understand the Emotions You've described.  Dealing with my Husband's affair(s) was one of the Tallest Mountains I have climbed.  My Husband never stopped having affairs and it included Friends and Relatives and although my Pain was indescribable it still took me 15 years to take control of my life. I would never wish You to suffer this way for 15 YEARS but. none the less, I would encourage You to take Your time, don't make a rash decision.  I would insist that He join You for counseling but whether He goes or not, whether the Marriage survives or not - You need the counseling for YourSelf.  Does He want the Marriage to survive?  If so, counseling would be a small "price" for Him to pay - not to mention the Benefit OF and the Necessity FOR the Survival of His Marriage.  What He did is a terrible, terrible thing - He just shot You through the Heart AND the Gut - You need medical attention (counseling) - and it would be Helpful to Him also!!  If He's truely remorseful He will do this for the sake of His Wife AND His Children (They are affected too!!)
Good Luck