Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

[Fool2011]

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[specialmom]

I'm late to the post but the members here have taken good care of you.  I wish you well on your journey and peace in your heart.  

[shell921]

agree with londres--counseling. he has to go. insist on it. no all men do not cheat but i think over 50% of them do. he needs to understand what hurt and pain he has caused you and unless and until he does you get can't past this. please insist he go to counseling. the only people you should try and get even with are the people who have HELPED you. revenge is never sweet and will make you feel bad about yourself.

[shell921]

mami says  "I also think you and him should go into counseling.  That was the first thing we did after the affair.  It is very hard to work things through without professional help.  Plus, you don't ever want this to happen again and a therapist can get to the bottom of why it happened and how to make sure it won't happen in the future..."

and i so agree with this. you MUST INSIST the two of you go to counseling. he owes that much to you and your marriage - whether he wants to go or not. he is afraid of getting chewed out by a counselor. too bad !!  he needs to go. insist.

[mami1323]

You are NOT crazy!!!  Believe me, I understand that feeling.  So many thoughts are running through your mind but it's not because you're crazy it's because the person you dedicated your life to has betrayed you.  Shattered your life.  Every day is going to be a struggle for awhile.  I read your other post and I'm sorry that your husband isn't doing what he's supposed to be doing right now for you.  If he was serious about making changes then he would do whatever it is you ask of him right now.  Which means going to counseling, giving you access to his phone and not getting frustrated when you can't forgive him right now.  Forgiveness comes in its own time and it can't be forced.  It took me almost 2 years to forgive my husband.  I would pretend each and every day and I would put on a facade as if I was happy.  I faked my way through our lives every day until a year ago.  When I finally let go of the hurt and said to myself that I would not let these 2 people control my happiness.  I will not allow myself to be the victim any longer.  They both had moved on.  She was dating, on match.com and going on vacations, eventually moving away, he was happy because he had his family still and I was the only one who was struggling.  It didn't seem fair to me.  I took back the power that was taken from me.  If your husband doesn't want to work on this, which means doing whatever it takes to make things right then you need to take care of yourself.  You go to therapy without him.  Perhaps if you work on you, you will find yourself knowing that you don't really need him.  

[Londres70]

Mami's words are very empowering and speak the truth.  Absolutely!

[el_em_en_oh]

I've been cheated on, and once the trust is gone, it's gone.

Whether you've been together for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years... trust lost is trust lost. And in your case, 21 years worth of trust lost.

You guys might go to counseling, and he might truly be sorry and remorseful, and might honestly never cheat again... BUT,

a) will you ever be able to trust him fully again?
b) are you okay being with a man that you don't fully trust?
and
c) will your heart ever be satisfied by anything he says or does, ever again?

There are more questions I'm sure I could add to the list, but those jump out at me.

The question isn't a HIM question, it's a YOU question.

Can YOU live with it (assuming he's willing to work on it)?